stay back, for what | gloom

[koispots]

Koi doesn't like existing, sometimes. She wishes things could go back to normal, wishes Her destiny could have been something kinder, softer, irritably her ear twitches. What was the point of stumbling across Peachpaws body? What character did it build to witness a death of a fellow apprentice just barely older than her? She had to take care of her dying mother and two brothers, never once said anything bad and yet the stars still threw dust in to her eyes, blinded her while she was down. Her lips pull back to a snarl as she rises abruptly, stalking towards the entrance to Beesongs den. She’d get her answer one way or another-

He wasn’t in. She doesn’t realize until shes fully in that instead of the cinnamon medicine cat, theres a smaller, more familiar cat in his place. "Gloom." she greets awkwardly, monotonously, anger already subsiding. She doesn’t know how to fix this after bursting in all puffy and angry and so she gingerly turns to leave before she looks over her shoulder. "Sorry… Uh, care to join me? For food." the least she could do was take Gloom out to eat after her silent outburst.

/ @GLOOMPAW
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"speech"​

 

[GLOOMPAW]

Gloompaw remembers it all. It's the brutal part of it, every single hair on Peachpaw's body is in her memory. Like time had made this perfect snapshot for her. She doesn't talk about it -- gets upset when others try to mention it around her. But it is there. Not repressed but unsurfaced. In the background of the river, Koipaw and Crappiepaw are huddled, brushstokes of fear painting across their faces.

They're the ones who would understand the most. But she can't. She can't bring herself to approach them.

From the wall of the den she can see the other molly approach. Already, she's attempting to find some hue of crimson staining Koipaw's silky fur. Upset, looking, seeking. At least it is not towards her. Looking back to the meager bits of her work momentarily, she wonders if there is a cure for things like this. Glancing back at Koipaw and her lips pinched back, she knows there is none.

Almost startling at the sound of her name, her short ears perk. Like receding floodwater the tortie's features are already dying down. Hopping to her paws, she nods, eager to get fresh air. "Yeah, let's go!"

Footsteps slowing as she catches up to Koi, her eyes dart from the ground up to the other apprentice. The prey pile is hopelessly dwindling, and stuck between wondering which prey she'll choose and which thing or cat was the target of Koipaw's anger, she pauses, hovering over the half-frozen pieces. "...Were you looking for someone back there?" It'd been like a lens had been placed over her mismatched blue eyes temporarily, meant only towards something or someone.​

 

[koispots]

Her chime makes Koi's shoulders slump forwards, eyes already softening. How could she stay mad? How could she, when she had almost turned anger not meant for the other upon her? Eyes press shut, screwing tight, block out the thoughts before she falls apart in front of the other. "What are you feeling up to?" not that theres much choice in leafbare. Fish only,, maybe. Koi... Had not taken a glance at the pile before she had burst in.

Glooms already picking through it, whiskers twitch in amusement. Subsiding the feelings that have clouded her for so long she almost feels normal, for once just an apprentice. It's... Nice, being besides a friend. Isolation is all she knew how to do, seething, loathing. Eyes press shut once more.

"What?" the question startles her, ignites a fear inside. What if Gloompaw had found out she was going to demand answers from Starclan? No. She wasn't doing anything bad. And, and she needs to talk about it lest she wants to blow up once more. "Don't tell anyone." she thinks the only one in the whole clan that truly knows her problems is Buck, the in and outs, the intricacies.

After all, they're both women cut from almost the same cloth. Her anger is hers.

"I was looking for Beesong, I-" would Gloom think of her as weird? "Wanted answers. Why the Stars keep turning against me." she feels small as she moves to sit besides Gloompaw and its weird to think of herself as towering but thats exactly what is going on. She has to look down. "But its silly." clamming up once more, nevber can she bring herself to be fully vulnerable. It would be akin to rolling on her back and baring her stomach for knife sharp claws. "How has your work been?" change of subject, easy, dodge the heavy atmosphere. Bring something softer.
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"speech"​

 

[GLOOMPAW]

Gloompaw considers the choices, more carefully than maybe anything else in her entire life. She settles for a fish that will keep them both from starving, and jabs a paw at it before taking it up. Maybe the anger had been hunger-driven, but she isn't so certain of that. The fever in Koipaw's eyes seemed far too determined for it to be simply explained by leafbare's most common pangs.

When Koipaw startles, and asks her for confidentiality, she nods with all her energy. This is a vow of secrecy, of silence. It will never pass through her lips for another cat. Dropping the fish between them, Gloompaw listens, ears angled forwards. The stars... had turned against Koi? That was possible? And why her? She didn't deserve the grief of being shunned by their ancestors.

But, instead of claiming Koipaw was wrong, that it had to be something else, Gloompaw gets upset. Not at her friend. Never at her friend. But at the stars, for making her even think she's been abandoned. They worked in close quarters with her. She will shake them from their inky mount if it means they'll apologize to Koipaw.

Lost in the revelation of it, her voice is distant when she echoes in protest, "Not silly."

And before she can let this go, before she can delve into the next topic, she needs to let Koipaw know: "I can go with you, if you try to find Bee again," Gloompaw murmurs. If she'll allow her. She didn't have to face this alone.

Picking at the fish, she talks with her mouth full. The air was still suffocatingly heavy, yet lighter at the spoken words. "It's been so busy. So many cats getting sick or hurt." She doesn't want to see Koipaw as a patient in the den. She hopes she's not pushing herself too much on patrols. This is a new breed of emotion, and she stamps it down. "It's busy for you too, yes?"​

 

[koispots]

Not silly, she says, but why does Koi still feel like it is? Gloom is a fresh of breath air, a twinkle of moonlight in a shadow sky. Koi can't help but look, fearful that Gloom was just saying this to comfort her, but the expression she has on says otherwise. Is this what it feels like to have someone by my side? Someone in your court, someone to talk to? It's relieving, stress melts away in to quiet content. Perhaps, truly, perhaps... She can bare her stomach, her neck, her insecurities.

Why is she so easy to talk to? Her fur prickles along her spine. This wasn't supposed to happen. She... Was supposed to be ruthless in her manners, snarls and seething anger, so why has she let herself feel so soft?

Head shake. "Maybe later... Thank you." and she does appreciate it, it leaves a feeling of warmth in her chest. Her ear-tips burn in... embarrassment, at the way she had been acting before and Koi is sure that its the cold winter wind thats making her shake beneath her pelt. Weak, her mind screams but a deep breath clears it. "Doesn't help that they have a knack for getting hurt." her whiskers twitch in amusement, her own version of a joke. Long has it been since she has truly felt alive but right then and there does she finally feel it, the blood, her heart, everything that makes her something.

Her cheeks are burning. Sheesh... This isn't right. Eyes screw shut and as quickly does the feeling come does it fleet, she shouldn't be feeling so weird about this. Friendly conversation was never her forte, including pre-Peachpaw. The other quickly brings her out of her feelings with a muffled question. "Busy for me? Oh... Uhm, yes. Lightning has me working a lot. We've been sparring a lot lately." eyes steal a glance when she knows they shouldn't. Gloom is content on eating and... Perhaps this is what shes been working so hard for, a perfect life for her friends, a life where they can be free of danger. All of her aches, pains and bruises stop hurting for just a few seconds and the world collapses in on itself. This made it all worth it.

"What- What do you think your full names gonna be? You think you'll get it soon?" gasping for air, scrambling and desperate, she doesn't want the conversation to end. Koi's own ceremony isn't far from now, either. It'd be weird to have her warrior name first but she isn't sure how long medicine cats train. Beesong didn't seem to train for too long, but perhaps the very stars that had excluded her included him? That... Would be a nice thought, knowing they didn't turn against everyone she liked.
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"speech"​

 

[GLOOMPAW]

Gloompaw, out of the corner of her prey-focused vision, sees the very end of Koipaw's small glance. Mere milliseconds, and yet she feels seen, intently watched, more so than any cat who'd ever glared at her for antics. But this was good. Better. She rebounds the look with a longer one of her own; a molly prone to staring, but she feels oddly... shy, looking back at her friend. Like this was some secret language, suddenly known, memorized in the very back of her mind.

And she would be content to be there as long as Koipaw needed, silent and talking with eyes. There's no real urge to do anything but be there and exist with her. Gloompaw pauses from stooping to take another bite, instead focusing her full attention on the calico. A breath of a laugh, a truth spoken from Koipaw's lips. She barely has the ability to do anything but focus on the slight twitch of her whiskers, feeling this vast feeling, until she was sure they would both be consumed by it.

When Koipaw mentions her sparring, the work an apprentice must put in to become a warrior, her jaw clenches. She hopes Lightningstone isn't pushing her too far, isn't taking her energy and time away (though deep down, she knows other things are to blame for that). Out of all the thoughts for Koi, worried and miscellaneous, she thinks one word over the rest: Strong.

The feeling doesn't have time to fade nor loses intensity, a grip on it, the topic bouncing. She feels it persisting, and she lowers to the ground, resting her belly on the earth. Another quiet movement, a reassurance. "I hope something neat. Like Gloomfang or Gloomstrike. But I don't think it'll be very soon -- Bee said theres a lot of stuff to learn." Progress was being made, though, and she could only hope it was fast enough. "How about you? Do you have an idea of what yours is gonna be?" She could imagine Koi's name being similarly brave, but she was pretty enough to be named for her beauty, too.​