STEADY WE RIDE | chilledstar

[FERNDANCE]

For four moons, she had never left her kittens' sides. Sleepless nights clawing at shadows, being delivered prey by an apathetic guard who hadn't even given her the privacy to tell them of all the wonderful things outside the walls. She'd been under no illusion about ShadowClan's mortality rate, of the traitors that had taken kittens before, it was why she'd tried to let them be born in some place secret... someplace where cats like Granitepelt couldn't hurt them. The mother's trust had been regained for a time, then, she'd returned to camp after a long hunting session to be told that her daughter had snuck out and was maimed by the wilds as a consequence. Her first stop had been to the medicine den to comfort the cinnamon tabby, to tell her she should be proud she'd saved Singepaw's life instead of crying that she should've done more, to stay with her until the poppy seeds lulled her into sleep. Then, with paws stomping against the ground, she stormed towards the Leader's den where she knew Chilledstar would be licking their own wounds. She didn't wait at the entrance, instead, she pushed right in, thoughts racing faster than WindClan's hares.

"Why?" Her whispering voice was less like a lullaby and more like a kettle reaching its boiling point, a rare anger brewing in her heart as she stared down the leader before her. She should have said something before, but the pride that had glimmered in her clanmate's eyes had muted her as much as the anticipation of abuse thrown her way. She knew it'd been selfish to submit to fear, even more selfish to feel relief that she could see all the things she'd missed out on again when they were apprenticed. Her whimsy seldom harmed anyone but herself, now, it had put two kittens in danger and that funny feeling in her stomach returned with a vengeance. Someone had called it guilt, another anxiety, Fern just knew that she hated it, and was starting to hate the cats that put it there to begin with. Unsheathed claws wormed past the earth under the oak tree, grateful to grip onto something tangible within the river of nonsense surrounding her. This behaviour wasn't as funny as hers. "Why did you take them early from me?" Emerald eyes met blue, unwavering despite how dry they'd become. "The whole forest agreed that they weren't ready to be 'paws, I would've sto— This is— is the Warrior Code a lie?"

She'd never given the silly thing much attention until now, rules that put restrictions on others made no sense to someone who'd lived thirty of her moons in a lawless family unit, dangerous to someone who'd only ever seen bans as temptations. In her fury, she also looked for guidance: should she be worried that the rest of ShadowClan had abandoned it? Should she take matters into her own paws to keep just one rule afloat?

@CHILLEDSTAR.

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

they knew it was only a matter of time. they blamed themself, too, but that wouldn't much matter to an angry mother, would it? they wonder if duckshimmer would be the same way? would she storm right in and spit angrily in their direction, fire blazing in her eyes just as it does with ferndance? in some messed up way, they're glad to see her taking something so seriously. they just wished it hadn't been the result of their own foolishness. still... it's nit as if they could have stopped this. not when they've done everything to prevent it aside from the one thing that's spoken– kept them as kits until six moons. it wasn't like they were apprentices in any other way besides title. they weren't allowed to leave camp. they simply were pushed from the nursery to the apprentice den, and now could clean ticks off elders. faux-apprentice to get them ready for the world outside but what did it matter if they left early, anyways?

their ears flicked back and forth as they met ferndance's own green gaze. their tail lashes behind them and they don't say anything. they wait for her to be finished. she has every single right to be upset, but she will not talk to them like this. upset or not, chilledstar is still the leader of shadowclan and they're not perfect by any means of the word, but they did their damnedest to keep their clan safe. they wonder, would she yell at smogmaw, too, or is this anger reserved just for them? if they didn't feel bad about it, maybe they'd feel special.

"the code was made for a reason. i agreed to it. kits should not be allowed out of camp before 6 moons."

they state, nose twitching their nose, watching her paws carefully. they did not trust anyone this angry in their den– not after the last time.

"they were only meant to have a name by title... not by privilege. they were meant to be watched carefully, trained only slightly as our marshes are not kind to us. it was supposed to prepare them for when they did turn six moons, and they finally could leave. i... didn't mean for this to happen. this wasn't supposed to happen and i will say sorry until I've lost my final life. however,"

they stand up, rolling their shoulders and standing defensively, teeth only slightly showing.

"i understand your anger as it was your own that got hurt, but do not barge into my den and speak to me as if i am some kit. i am your leader. yes, I can admit that I was a little hasty. but is it not still your responsibility to watch your own kit? i can admit my faults in bloodpaw and singepaw being hurt. can you admit your own? your kits were not taken from you. they were in the apprentice den, where they should have been. I didn't see them sneak out and neither did you. or their mentors. maybe this could have been prevented if they were still in the nursery, but only the stars know that."

they clear their throat, tongue licking over their whiskers.

"their mentors, and the rest of the warriors, are just as much at fault. do not blame it all on me. i already know what wrong I've done."

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 44 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[FERNDANCE]

Ears flicked at Chilledstar's choice of words - kits should not be allowed out of camp before their sixth moon. Her mouth grew as dry as a drought at the twist of words, limbs tense with a guard suddenly raised. She listened with a bitter smile, wanting to believe this had a good ending, wanting to believe that she was just mistaken... that Chilledstar had forgotten the very code they'd agreed to in a fit of pain and nothing more. Then, they blamed her, and bicoloured fur turned red in a vision that understood why Granitepelt had torn their throat out, why her brother had been so quick to turn on their leader. StarClan did not make those in power special, it was their egos that fueled the lie - she saw before her a cat just as ugly as the warriors who'd called her a traitor for having kittens in Leafbare. "You..." Foxheart. Crowfood. Rot in a maggot-filled belly, stain beneath crushed eggs. Words weren't enough to describe how disappointed she was in Chilledstar. "I was on patrol, my new responsibility after you decided that my kittens were 'being prepared' for the same thing. You're not a parent, you don't know how much trust it takes to let others take care of your own and how painful it is to have that trust betrayed."

She blinked, and found the world had suddenly become blurrier, her face suddenly damper with tears she'd refused to show in front of her baby girl. That uncomfortable pit in her belly had turned into a full boulder and, should she need to spit it out one day, she could only hope it would land on top of Chilledstar's face. "I'm asking you to listen, and answer, not as a kit but as my equal. I will not let this happen again. Bloodpaw was failed, but Morelkit, Gigglekit and Branchkit won't be. They don't need to be 'prepared' with titles, that's so unserious that I'm surprised you haven't demoted yourself for it. A kitten could fly out their mama eyes open and teeth formed and still not have enough time to prepare to be an apprentice. I do blame myself, but only for being too scared to stand up to you before kittens got hurt." The creature before her, limbs poised in case she should strike, posture lacking any pride, did not scare her today - should her family need to leave the marshlands, she knew that they would be safer for it now.

Her weight shifted, the silent ultimatum making the air feel tepid around her. The feather upon her back felt heavy with the burden her kittens had put on her, she couldn't take them away from the only life they'd ever known, which meant doing everything in her power to make it a better life. Ferndance didn't know when her tail had began lashing, or when she'd kneaded the ground so much she'd created little divets, or when the idea that laws didn't have to be all bad had sunk into her skull like a worm. Time was incomprehensible as fierce eyes stared upon fierce eyes, the rise and fall of her flank beginning to slow from acceptance. "Promise me my youngest won't be apprenticed early, if not for the cat you despise, then for Needledrift."

​