Dusk bleeds slowly towards the horizon, shreds of purpling cloud whipping frantically towards the place where she knows the sun goes to drown, driven there by the ferocious winds that have set everyone's fur into disheveled ( or more so than usual, in her case ) tufts and howled through the trees all day. The very sight of the golden sun turning molten - red, beckoning a field of stars out to play, makes Doeblaze hurriedly bid Cloudypaw goodbye and hustle out of the camp's bramble - lined mouth, even though the crown of the sky is still a splendid plumskin blue, not even close to moonrise.
" Johnnyflame! " she calls hoarsely when she catches glimpses of a faux - torbie pelt through the stoutness of the pines, pushing her protesting shoulders a little harder until she catches up to him. Doeblaze is surprised she caught him at all, to be honest; @Johnnyflame has been leaving camp earlier and earlier with each passing sunrise, or so it seems anyways, ever since Silversmoke had vanished in a confusing mess of fur and scent and ripped throat. Catching her breath with quick inhales, the tabby's eye softens to sunwarmed beryl and she mrrows, " Mind if I walk to the border with you? "
She lets silence hang in the air a moment, filled with the sharp fragrance of pine needles broken under their alternating pawsteps and the soft trills of birds hiding in the boughs above—she makes a mental note to try and retrieve one of them on her way home—refocuses on the conversation she aims to have. Her motions in it should be as light as her pawsteps on a thin bough, she thinks. While she and Blazestar had been more open about their relationship, and further along, than the torbie's bizarre attachment to Silversmoke—or at least she thinks it's like that, if the way they'd been playing around before had been anything to guess—his is no doubt an absence felt painfully by Johnnyflame.
" How're you holding up? " Doeblaze finally mrrows gently, polished jade eye sliding towards Johnnyflame. She tries to keep her face smooth, but she can't help the crumple of worry that tucks itself into the corner of her eye like a promise. In a way, she wonders if it's not almost worst, being uncertain of Silversmoke's whereabouts—for though it had been a long and mutilating process, she herself has something like closure, finally. She adds, voice newleaf - tender and free of judgement, " I mean, anyone could see you two were close. "
MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."
Coming to camp each day had never bothered Johnnyflame before. In the first week or so of his joining he’d been anxious about being away from his twolegs for too long -what if they needed him, or some stray started causing trouble at the nest while he was away?- but he’d never been frustrated about having to be in the forest. Skyclan had always been something to look forward to, a thing of enjoyment and fulfilment for the bobtail.
And yet lately, he couldn’t seem to get away fast enough.
Every moment wasted within Skyclan borders was a moment taken away from his search for Silversmoke. He’d become a downright menace in twolegplace, journeying deeper than he ever had before. Climbing garden fences, peering into twoleg windows, chasing down any black and orange cat that caught his eye- he’d become the very terror he used to guard his own nest from. He’d gained quite a few new scratches and bruises for his troubles, and had likely made enemies of half the cats in twolegplace by now, but it would all be worth it if he could get even a fucking shred of closure.
Somewhere out there, somebody had to know something.
A part of him realized he was neglecting his responsibilities- that Sangrias training and the clans wellbeing should have come before anything else, and yet… he couldn’t bring himself to re-organize his priorities. All he kept thinking about was Silversmoke telling him he hadn’t always been a clan cat, and that his life before the forming of the four groups had been one where he could only depend on himself. And it pissed him off, cut him right down to the bone, because how the hell was that fair? Johnny had secretly promised Silver right then and there that he would never let them suffer by themselves again, and it was eating him alive not knowing what happened.
He didn’t even notice the second set of paws following him out of camp that afternoon, long before the sun was set to go down.
When he heard his name, there was the knee-jerk reaction of ‘oh shit, im in trouble’, a teenager caught trying to skip class. But in the same breath that fear turned to a stubbornness that hardened him like stone.
It didn’t matter what anyone thought or said to him. He’d given Skyclan everything since the day he’d joined, and he wasn’t going to be scolded by anyone for making the choices he was making. ]i\Nobody[/i] was going to tell him how much he was allowed to sacrifice for Silversmoke, even if he came up entirely empty handed at the end of it all.
”Mind if I walk to the border with you?”
He regarded her with a weary expression, so unlike the one he usually wore. His change had been abrupt and open for all to see, no attempt at making it a secret. Silversmoke was gone and Johnnyflame was pissed, caught between his grief and a refusal to accept it. As gruesome as he may have sounded, he wanted to see a body. He needed solid, concrete proof that the spotted tom wasn't coming back, otherwise, how was he supposed to justify giving up on him? Especially when so many others had disappeared only to come back?
”So long as you aren’t planning on lecturing me.” he reasoned, having already caught several looks and passing comments from other cats about ‘the kittypet losing his nerve”. At this point he was expecting someone to try cornering him over it, but to be fair he didn’t really expect that cat to be Doeblaze. Not after everything she’d lived through.
So he doesn’t protest when she falls into step, continuing his quick pace back toward twolegplace. He wasn’t expecting to see the worry there when she spoke, asking him how he was holding up, noting how close he and Silversmoke had gotten. The past-tense in her words was just another twist of the knife lodged in his heart, another note of finality in a song he refused to hear.
He’d never spoken openly to anyone about Silver before. The closest had been that time he’d been gossiping with a clanmate about crushes and admitted to having one- though he’d never outright said who. But was it even a crush at this point, anymore? Wasn’t it enough by now to just admit what he knew was the truth?
Because alive or dead, Silversmoke was loved. Completely, and unwaveringly so.
And maybe he was just tired of holding it on, or maybe Doeblaze looking at him with such compassion was enough of a safe space for him to break, but for some reason he wasn’t able to swallow down the painful lump of emotion that threatened to choke the words trying to form on his tongue.
”Not great.” came his unsteady voice, his attempt at a chuckle weak at best. ”I'm so stupid, Doeblaze. Had every damn chance in the world to tell him how I felt, and now it might be over for good." He couldn't help the sniffle that came then, or the wetness in his eyes. "I keep wondering when the last time anyone told him they loved him was and-"
And how it was so unfairfair that someone as smart and dedicated and loyal as him didn't hear it on regular basis, every damn day of their life.
But life was unfair.
Just as he knew it was unfair to complain to Doeblaze like this, especially given what she herself had lost. He and Silversmoke hadn’t even been mates, and might not ever have been. He certainly hadn’t built a life or a family with the tom like Doeblaze had with Blazestar. But a part of him still hoped she understood. That she wouldn’t judge him for what he’d been doing or what he might do in the future. Because it felt good to finally talk about it, and to do more than just stew in his own thoughts. Even if talking about it would never change how things were left.
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