private SUBTERRANEAN ‧₊˚✩彡 BOBBIE

[CROWSIGHT]

The black smoke knows nothing of his mother's actions in wanted to close the distance between them. Neither Oddgleam or Owlheart have told him. They certainly ask questions, but he never considered these questions were asked on behalf of his mother. After all, he assumed his mother did not care about him. For a long time it seemed she didn't consider him her own. Had this been a couple of moons ago he would bear hatred towards her. Refuse to see that she was just as flawed if not more than him. Nevertheless, there was still some bitterness that remained when it came to her. I'm not sure I would stop feeling this way... When he thinks of his mother, the first things that crop from the crevices of his mind are not the times in which she smiled at him fondly. The first things that crop up are loneliness and abandonment. Of his mother running off with Blazestar as soon as her children were made apprentices, never looking back. She hadn't noticed him, did she? When he would watch in the distance as she glowed with Blazestar, as if nothing else in the world mattered or existed.

And when he was sick? She didn't visit him, not as much as her favorite child Lupinesong. He waited. Waited for a day she would come up to him and ask him even the simplest questions. It hadn't come. What did arrive was the day she decided to leave on the journey. Everyone deemed her a hero, but he couldn't and wouldn't. The decision she made solidified the notion that she didn't care about him. He didn't want a mom who would run off and become a hero, he just wanted her to stay in camp. To talk to him. To finally look at him and give him just a little attention. In the end he grew exhausted of waiting for something that would never come, but as a result he found others who saw him. In Silversmoke, who stepped up and became a father to him. In Fireflyglow, who never berated him and listened to his woes with understanding. In his partners, who accepted his flaws and still wanted to be with him.

Nowadays he found himself perfectly fine without her. His avoidance was no longer on purpose, he simply didn't have a reason to interact with her and it wasn't as if she actually approached him. However, with Orangestar appointing his younger brother Lionpaw as his apprentice, there was a reason to converse with his mother. The last time they had talked... It was about Owlheart wasn't it? He remembered asking her for advice on the matter, seeing as she was the only one he knew at the time with experience with love. Unfortunately the topic at paw is not love, but it is a more serious one. Though, telling his mother about what Skyclaw had told him about Blazestar has not crossed his mind.

When he approaches her, he greets her as if she were a stranger. Come to think of it... This would be the first time she would get to stare at him, noting the new addition (besides his damaged eye) of white spots on his face. "As you know, Orangestar has appointed Lionpaw as my apprentice. I have no intentions of letting my feelings get in the way, so you don't need to worry about the mistreatment of your son." He has yet to realize the gravity of his words. What matters is making his intentions with Lionpaw known. "I will not coddle him because he is my younger brother. Whatever he asks, I will answer honestly as I've always done. No matter how much the truth hurts." There is one thing that persists when it comes to training Lionpaw into a fine warrior. It is destroying his ridiculous notion of becoming a lion. The tom will never become a lion. Not in the way Hollypaw has envisioned. Not in the way Bobbie has envisioned. And not in the way his father, Blazestar envisioned. It will be Lionpaw alone who will decide and it will be his task to help his brother in becoming the lion he wishes to be.

"That is all I have to say about the matter, mother. Is there anything you would like to discuss? Concerns?"

// @BOBBIE plops this thread for you!​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

Her son has long been a mystery, one that her arduous efforts with claws she hadn't known were bared had only served to further tangle; twisted and twined until their relationship had become a thorny mass of bramble she didn't dare to touch, fearful of a spike speared through tender paw or bared heart. Now . . . now she thinks she can glimpse things through those briars, see shreds of where things had criss - crossed into this unmanageable thing, but she's still afraid to reach out. To risk another thorn - lined tangle around her own heart, itself held together by barbed thornbrush.

In a way, her very real neglect of her second litter had been a cursed sort of blessing, the paper - thin, near - translucent silver lining this: the slightest of illuminations into where she had gone so wrong with Crowsight, off - course in a way that hadn't seemed to happen with her other two. Looking back . . . looking back with the knowledge of the six - moons rule to come, with age and experience and visceral hurt coloring a worldview that was once glowingly, blindingly white with cheerful innocence . . . she can see, in fuzzy lines, where she had steered off - course. And she knows now . . . it's not just Crowsight she had failed so; no, Lupinesong and Drowsynose had been hurt, too, their effects hadn't just been so ( painfully, painfully, painfully evident ).

Devoted to her Clan, a devotion that renders her justice - blind to this day, she had left them behind . . . incidentally, accidentally, but still; she had left her children by the wayside in a way she hadn't meant to, and the hurt she feels now is merely a consequence. One that she should've expected. One she should have been able to avoid a second time . . . but she hadn't still, had fallen short in the way she always did. Grief was a second blinding, one accompanied by a literal strike of well - deserved agony, and it had left her numbed not just to her son's troubles, but to everything, the raised lines of her ribs against her side more than proof enough of that; proof, but not justification.

" Crowsight, " she greets when he pads up to her; her tone is carefully weighted, but her lone eye is not, scanning the damage to his face, the ( much - unwanted, she's sure ) resemblance to her he's now attained. They do not share a pelt color and they hardly seem to share a word these days—but now they share a loss, at least, and it certainly seems appropriate. Also appropriate is his topic of discussion; a practical issue, the handling of Lionpaw's apprenticeship, and it's true that it would be a lie to say she hadn't had concerns when he was appointed her tortoiseshell son's mentor. The tabby considers it, shredded ears flicking back and forth rhythmically, keeping time with her thoughts.

Is there anything you would like to discuss? Certainly. There is much she'd like to discuss with Crowsight, much she'd like to explain, to apologize for . . . but none of it is related to Lionpaw's training, and she doubts he would want to hear it. The ideals he'd laid in place don't seem objectionable; no coddling, no bias, whatever he considers the undisclosed truth . . . it's hardly unorthodox. So she, albeit unconsciously, looses a heavy sigh, half - mourning the family the two of them could have been, and replies in a blue - hued voice husky with tears long dried, " Nothing I think you'd want to hear, nor is it really . . . relevant. So . . . I suppose not. "

OOC : WAAAAAH

♥︎

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[CROWSIGHT]

The lack of response is peculiar. Nevertheless, the black smoke presses on. She is listening, evident by her gaze. In the past he would've leaped for joy. His heart would swell and he would beam at her, finally reassured that she had loved him. Now, as she looked at him, he felt nothing. She was too late. It would take more than looking at him with all the love she could muster. As for what it would take? Crowsight himself would not know, for he assumed she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Oh, how wrong he was. In any case, a simple apology would not cut it for him. It would be slow and painful for both of them. After all, ever since his run in with Skyclaw, his brother... He decided he would be better. He's uncertain about whether or not he would be able to rebuild the bridges he burned, but he would not cast them away. Not as he had done for moons. However, in this moment....

Whiskers laced ion annoyance twitch. "Are you me?" Clearly there is something you want to say to me, so spit it out already! "Mother, you don't know what I think. Just as I can't know what's on your mind. The only way we can begin to understand is by asking. I will decide whether or not what you have to say is relevant." Perhaps he is coming off as cruel and demeaning towards his own mother, but that is far from the truth. The young warrior simply has no idea how to talk to his own mother anymore. The mother he had known was long gone and what remained was a husk. Despite the loss of sight in his eye, he could still see her anguish. An anguish he had almost caused his partners by allowing his feelings to cloud his judgement.

Love was something he thought impossible for the likes of him. Love was reserved for Lupinesong and Drowsynose. The ever so popular and well liked molly and the most gentle heart. What was he? He was mean and broken. A mistake. Mistakes shouldn't be loved, and yet he was. Not just by his partners, but by others. As much as he refused to acknowledge it, the world time and time again would give him what he sought. Truth. He was his mother's son. The manner in which he loved, the strength he bore when those he cared about were in danger, and even to the white spots that had spread from his face. There was no telling how far it would spread, but that didn't matter.

"I asked if there was anything you wish to discuss. I will ask again. If you do not take the chance, then I will take my leave. Mother... Is there anything you would like to discuss?"​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

A hazel eye is glass - hardened as it regards her, similarly glazed, hidden by some veneer of stoicism that conceals any glimmer of affection . . . or, indeed, such a spark never existed in the first place. It pulls a weary sigh unbidden from her chest . . . how long has it been since anyone but three kits too young and blinded by innocence to know better looked at her that way? Moons, at least, for she thinks the last time she felt such a warming glitter in another's gaze, it was swirling deep in pooling blue.

" Oh? " she remarks wearily. The prickling of his annoyance, of his sharply bitten words, is a small pain in comparison to the great one she has invited in merely attempting to speak to him. The weight of her failings is enormous, and never does she feel it more acutely than when she speaks with the one she'd failed most . . . or perhaps second most, after . . .

. . . She's so tired.

" Is it even worth apologizing? " She mutters on her next exhausted exhale, lonely eye flicking upwards from the slump of a shaggy head to take in his face . . . hungrily, as if she anticipates she might never see him again. Exhaustion weighs down her sentiment, exhaustion and long - held bitterness, mingled with disgust in some horrible cocktail . . . disgust with herself, of course, never with the bristling young tom before her. " We both know what I've done. Or haven't done. "

OOC : —

♥︎

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[CROWSIGHT]

Whiskers twitch and a nose scrunches, "I despise your reasoning." As much as he's grown, his temper is still a wild beast at times. What has become manageable is the venom that drips from his words. It was made possible with the help of Fireflyglow. "You mean to say I am unworthy of an apology because it will not make the rift between us close? As always, you're only thinking of yourself." However, even with the new found control of venom, his words echo bitterness.

"Yes. I'm certain you don't know how I feel at all, though I am no longer surprised. I've given up on you understanding long ago." The black smoke could turn and leave his mother to wallow in misery, but he decides not to. In the past he would've screeched at her and called her the most sickening of words, leaving a storm in his wake. However, with the support of his partners and what had been going on with the Skyclaw situation... He's made the decision to try not to close off his heart entirely to his blood. I'm not foolish to believe they would welcome me with open arms and everything will be alright. We've done nothing but hurt each other.

A sigh escapes his maw. "I do not hate you, despite all the pain you've given me. I simply hate what you've done. I would've liked an apology, even if I wouldn't forgive you for the things you've done. An apology to me is acknowledgement. Is it not worth telling your son that their pain has been recognized? That even if you don't truly know his pain, you understand just a little? That you took the time to think of another rather than yourself?"

The air between them has shifted. It's uncomfortable. The fur along his spine prickles, demanding him to move. Move far away from the jaws of a unseen predator. Move he does, black and cream paws touch as he towers over her. The touch is sudden, he wouldn't be surprised if she flinched. A choice needs to be made. Whether to tell his mother all the wrongs she has committed towards him, regardless of how unintentional the harm was. Hazel eyes gaze upon green, unflinching.

"Mother... I am sorry for making you think I hated you. I was angry. Angry you never looked my way and took it out on you by ignoring you. I thought you would come talk to me, but you never did. That made me sad. For a long time I thought I never mattered to you. Blazestar, Lupinesong, Drowsynose, and... Everyone except me meant everything to you. I can't forgive you for making me feel so alone all those moons. I wanted so much from you, but I gave up. I can't keep waiting for you, hoping that you'll finally understand. Finally look my way."

Crowsight has given her numerous keys to the answer. His answer on what has happened between them and what his true desire was. Now it was up to her to figure out what she will do with those keys. He refused to hope any longer. Bobbie would show it through action and he would respond in kind. "I've decided. Decided not to push our family away. However, I will not pretend there is nothing wrong between us. If you would like to share a meal together someday, I won't be opposed to it." A small genuine smile curls from his maw. How long has it been since she's seen it? There is a bittersweetness to it all. Before Bobbie is given a chance to collect herself, he opts to lay beside her. Nothing more would be said from the black smoke. He would leave if she asked him, but for now he would lay beside her.​