pafp Tear it down |camp| Tear it down around my head

[Snowpath]

Snowpaw was not a quiet cat because he was shy, he wasn't even that quiet really but he did have a tendency to not speak at lengths when he was thinking things over. He had been alarmingly silent today, uncertain and at odds with himself. A part of him was still bitterly annoyed at being so blatantly attacked in camp, another part of him acknowledged that all cats had their limits and it was his own fault Coyotepaw had been pushed to his; but he stubbornly clenched his jaw because it was easy to feel bad for the other apprentice's dying mother with her nonjudgemental gaze but her stern words. He was struggling to give that same sympathy to the other tom, he knew he was wrong now and he knew he owed an apology but he clung desperately to his small sense of pride despite it. Life would be easier if he was a bird like he was in his dreams, he wondered if he could reclaim that sensation of flying like he did before when he dove for the hawk that grabbed Burnkit, but he also knew he'd gotten lucky. A fall that high would kill a cat normally. Snowpaw gave a huff where he lay at the edge of the apprentice den, the white flower between his paws looking out of place on the cold ground. He wondered if it was a daisy, flowers were so strange sometimes and hard to tell when they mostly looked alike. The blue tom wondered why his mother had such a delicate sounding name when she was anything but. The deputy was strong, capable, his golden gaze glazed over with indifference as his breath shook the white petals. Feelings were stupid. He was tired of feeling.
The talk with Leopardcloud left him feeling strangely exposed and he wanted to burrow back into his nest and sleep but he had to go and fetch moss soon, clean the nursery...other fun and exciting punishments for his brawl with Coyotepaw. Maybe he was still sore he hadn't gotten to get a good lick in before it was broken up.

@~Deersong~
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[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) "Snowpaw." The familiar quiet meow of his mentor would float over him; should he look up he would see her standing before him. Yet the normally content and whimsical molly looked worlds different this day.

Deersong looked exhausted, her fur typically so sleek and well-groomed was scraggly and unkempt. Eyes that usually glittered with affection and amusement were now dull and as if she had not slept properly since the day of her apprentices' tussle.

The smile on her maw was almost a ghost of her old one, trying too hard to appear ok and yet clearly still upset over the events. "How are you today, star child?' Her nickname for him rolled off her tongue like usual but the heartbreak within it was almost painfully evident.

The cream and mocha molly truly did feel as if the blame for what had happened should fall on her because she had been training Snowpaw longer. Because she was supposed to be his role model and the cat who was supposed to teach him how to be a Skyclan cat. So indeed this outburst and hurtful words had been because of something she had done. She stood there and watched the tom before her, and her mind once again wandered to whether or not it would be better for him to be given a new mentor, perhaps some cat who could actually do him some good. ​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )

 

[Snowpath]

He looked up, expression darkening at the sight of his mentor being so downtrodden and he knew he was partially to blame for that, he knew what he'd done had upset so many cats and he felt foolish that he'd even done it now; he really didn't understand the world like he thought he did and it was frustrating. A hard lesson, but he supposed it was necessary even if his pride refused to acknowledge that. "I'm....here, I guess." He couldn't say he was okay, what he was doing was essentially sulking but he'd spoken to the others so he felt he deserved to wallow in his own self-pity just a little.
With a careful scoop of his claw he lifted up the tiny white flower and offered it out silently to the cream molly before giving a sigh.
"...I'm sorry I disappointed you." He had very much taken the fact he had such a great mentor for granted. Deersong would never treat him bad, she wanted him to treat others well and he had let his own fear and anxiety manifest in anger and he'd made assumptions he shouldn't have to rationalize it. Maybe it was some part jealousy as well, Coyotepaw was doing so well as an apprentice and he felt he himself was slacking even if he was told otherwise. That an 'outsider' was achieving past him...yeah, it might have been jealousy as well. "....maybe I need some more rocks, I..." He'd never admit to his fear out loud, but he wondered sometimes if maybe he was not as tough as he felt. "I told...Coyotepaw sorry, but if you want me to stay an apprentice longer I'd understand..." Not that he expected she wanted anything to do with him right now after what he'd said and done, lead warriors must have other things to be stressed over than just their troublesome apprentices if her tired state was anything to go by.
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[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) Deersong would watch him, ears flattening against her slim skull as he gave a less than promising response to how he had been doing. Her claws would grip the earth beneath her as she struggled to find words to comfort him with when a white flower suddenly entered her vision and she blinked just in time to hear him.

"...I'm sorry I disappointed you."

The molly would sit frozen for a few heartbeats before tears began to stream down her muzzle and cheeks. The drops would land on the flower that had been presented to her and as Snowpaw continued, she couldn't help but shake her head in defeat, shoulders sagging as she held back the sobs that threatened to break her, "N-No Snowpaw..." She would clutch the flower to her chest as if placing it close would stop the guilt she was constantly feeling, "You have nothing to apologize to me for. I should be the one saying sorry to you..."

Looking back down at the flower she would meow weakly, "I haven't been a good mentor to you...that's been made clear to me. I should have...spent more time with you. Trained you more...something." The last word was hissed out lowly, but it was clear that she was scolding herself now, "I thought we were close enough for you to talk to me about things you were having a hard time with, but...I was wrong, and I'm so sorry..." She would look up to meet her apprentice gaze now and she continues, "You're not happy here...are you?..."
​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )

 

[Snowpath]

Oh, he didn’t expect her to be so upset-but it turned out it wasn’t because he’d caused her such stress but because she was blaming herself. Snowpaw rose to stand so he could next to the cream molly, leaning lightly into her side in silence for a moment as he tried to articulate his feelings. He looked at Deersong, eyes wide and fully mystified by what she was saying before asking a very pointed question, “...why are you apologizing for something I did?” What he did-it had nothing to do with her, if anything it was his own failing as an apprentice that he didn’t follow her teachings more, that he’d ignored what she taught him in favor of getting angry.
“...I…I’m not some kit…the things I do and things I say, I know it's all me. It's my fault.” He wasn’t just a reflection of her, he was his own person even if said person was not what he should be.
“You’re….you’re a great mentor and I’m sorry I didn’t realize before or appreciate you, because I made you look bad…and I shouldn’t have done what I did.” Snowpaw blinked, eyes watery but refusing to cry because he was still stubbornly holding onto what little pride he had, “...you’re not going to request a new apprentice are you?”

It was her last question that made him shuffle his paws in place, scuffing them into the earth anxiously, “It’s…not that I hate it here….” It wasn’t-he liked his clan. He loved his family. He adored his mentor. “....I just feel like it's too small sometimes…I want to see more of the world…and I…I guess it’s getting to me…a little.” It had never occurred to him to talk about these feelings because he didn’t see a point in it and he wished he didn’t feel so strongly about it that it affected his mood and made tiny slights set him off. But maybe he should talk more. He’d always been on the quiet side so it was hard to imagine himself being open with his thoughts because most the time he didn’t think anyone would appreciate hearing them.
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[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) As Snowpaw leaned against her side, the lead warrior would wipe away her tears and sniffle as she gathered herself once more, looking down at her apprentice as he spoke. At his question of her requesting a new apprentice, Deersong would not hesitate to wrap a paw around him and attempt to hug him tightly, "I could never, Star child. You're one of a kind."

Now that she was a bit more pulled together, she would listen to his answer to her own question, nodding along softly as understanding touched her features and she couldn't hold back the soft chuckle that float from her, "You always did seem like a little adventurer. Climbing high up all those trees."

Deersong felt her mind already starting to try to find ways to make him happy, trying to figure out what could possibly be done to sate his thirst for seeing the outside world. An idea struck her mind and she meowed softly, "Maybe we can put our heads together and think of a way to fix that, hm?" She took a deep breath then and seemed a bit happier than she had been just a few minutes before. "So, do you have any chores left? I can help." ​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )

 

[Snowpath]

He didn't normally like affection, barely tolerated it from his own mother most the time because being coddled made him feel like a kitten but he permitted this without much of a fuss because; well frankly, he'd been an asshole and he owed Deersong at least this level of complacency.
When she mused about his tree climbing he gave a slow but silent nod of affirmation, he liked it up there. He liked being above the world, looking down, the exhiliration of gazing out across the sky to the world unknown unraveling before him that he often dreamed of traveling and roaming but would always find himself grounded back in reality. Snowpaw blinked when she began to comment on how to go about letting him indulge his wayfarer ways and he offered a rare smile at that. He didn't deserve her, he was very aware of it, but he decided then that he loved Deersong and he was going to do his best to make her proud and knock over anyone who ever tried to upset her-even if it was himself again.
"I'd like that." The dappled tom said, perhaps a bit too sheepishly than his usual tone, but he carried on and shook his head, "I finished...the bedding in the elder's den already. I....Leopardcloud's looking....a lot worse..."

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