tell it to my heart | snowpaw

[Howlfire]

Monster.

Murderer.

Those were the words Howlpaw had not so long ago screamed to Snowpaw as she had barreled into him and knocked him down. She had been angry then. Grieving for the sweet sister so suddenly cut down in front of her. Snowpaw had been the one to land the killing blow but that had never been his true intent. It had always just been a cruel, unfortunate accident.

Since Morningpaw's death and the incident with Snowpaw, Howlpaw had gone out of her way to avoid her fellow apprentice. With Snowpaw having kept away from camp after her encounter with him it had been easy for a while but after his return, she had struggled. Every time she saw him, her emotions threatened to bubble to the surface once more. It had gotten better after a while, though she had scarcely spoken to him or acknowledged him unless she needed to. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things but it was an improvement on her feelings of wanting to claw him or yell in his face whenever he got near her. Things had once again changed after Coyotepaw's recent return. Snowpaw's words had reached her more than he could know. She had been surprised by them but oddly touched too. Although they had been spoken more to the returning Coyotepaw and to her father, they had affected her too.

And it was because of those words she decided to seek him out. For what she didn't really know at the time. All she knew was that she needed to see him. To speak with him. Although what they would even speak of was hard to say; the mere thought of engaging with him beyond their apprentice tasks admittedly made her want to clam up.

Howlpaw finds him alone in the apprentice's den and seizes the opportunity to finally have that much needed second confrontation. "Snowpaw," She calls out to him with a clear and direct voice. Howlpaw lingers in the entrance of the apprentice's den, watching him with unblinking amber eyes, and waiting for his response before approaching him more in earnest.

@Snowpaw ​

 

[Snowpath]

Coyotepaw filled him with irritation, he wished he could throw himself at the other and they could once again fight out their differences but the issue was too deep to be shaken on such a level. The fool left them when they would have fought for him, come back after causing a fight that could have otherwise been avoided. But he knew deep down it wasn't fair to blame him, fearful as he'd probably been at the time. He didn't pity him for his age, they were the same...he was not a child because then that meant Snowpaw was as well and he did not feel as such.

He looks up slowly from battering his nest with his paws, trying to break in the bracken and moss so its softer; his old nest had been cleaned out when he was gone and he couldn't tell by who or why. Other apprentices making the call or a warrior deciding they needed the space? Who could tell, who cared.
The sound of his name often felt like a curse now, maybe he was given it aptly without either he nor his mother thinking so. Snow killed, it was nice at first when leaf-bare began but its chilling grip made life harder for others and even ended more than a few lives. The blue tom answered the call, ears pinned back and unable to stop the involuntary flinch he had when he spotted Howlpaw standing there before him almost unblinking. What did she want? She had made herself very clear on how she felt about him, about what he did and he in turn had tried to give her as much space as possible so for her to come actively looking for him filled him with dread.
Snowpaw did not back down though, even hesitant as he was, he tilted up his chin and answered, "Yes?"
​

 

[Howlfire]

She's not sure what kind of response she expected from him, but she is glad when he lifted his chin and answered her plainly. Despite the tension between them it was good to know he wasn't going to dismiss her, at least that would make things easier in this discussion...she hoped. "I wished to speak with you," Howlpaw responded, taking a few steps towards him. She hesitates for a moment before fully committing to sitting somewhat close to him. "I wanted to apologise for what I said and did to you back when Morningpaw died," She said softly, gaze flickering to her paws for a moment. "Grief makes us do strange things but I recognise now it was wrong of me to lash out at you in that way. I can't forgive you for what happened of course, nor absolve you of any guilt, but I think I'm at a point now where I can recognise what you did was an accident."

A long sigh escaped her mouth as she admitted that and as she took stock of the situation she noted that she found herself trembling. "I don't want us to be enemies, Snowpaw," She said, looking at him intently to gauge how he was feeling during all of this. ​

 

[Snowpath]

He almost steps back when Howlpaw moves, uncertain of her intentions but after a moment it becomes clear she means no harm. At least, she didn't want to fight him right now and he could breathe easier knowing this. What he didn't expect was an apology, what he didn't expect was understanding to any degree. He had fully expected her to hate him for the rest of their lives and he would not have blamed her if she did; Snowpaw knew what he'd done, accident or not, was not so easily shed. Time would not wash the blood from his paws nor the memory from anyone's minds and he could excell as an apprentice and be the best warrior SkyClan ever beheld and he would STILL carry this weight. It was eternal, it just got less heavy as he woke up each day.
Golden eyes widened, the strange and overwhelming urge to cry filled him to the brim but he choked it down; despite it all he still had his pride and he didn't think the burst of emotions would lend itself to helping Howlpaw's opinion of him.
"I...don't want to be anyone's enemy." Let alone the enemy of a grieving family, he knew that if something had happened to Figpaw, Greenpaw or Violetpaw he would be just as righteously outraged as Howlpaw was, he would probably be less forgiving. He would not have been so quick offer a truce as she had.
"...thank you. I know I...I know it....it's never going to go away." Nothing would bring Morningpaw back, "But I just...I won't waste it. I'm going to be better. I'm...going to try harder. For her...for you. For everyone."
​

 

[Howlfire]

Despite Snowpaw inviting herd forward to speak, it is hard for Howlpaw to judge how the apprentice would react. Perhaps once she might have had an idea, but with how isolated and withdrawn they had been from each other, she simply could not say how he would react. Would he snap at her? Refuse her apologies? Ignore her?

All the possibilities swirled in her head until Snowpaw said he didn't want to be anyone's enemy before thanking her for her words. "Good," She said softly, upon hearing his pledge to be better. "Be better. Learn from this experience and carry it with you...as I still do." Blood on the snow, Morningpaw's dying breath, Howlpaw threatening Snowpaw, the warrior code... "Morningpaw wouldn't want me to hate you. I want to do better for her sake. Even though she would understand my anger she wouldn't want me to hold a grudge at you forever."​