private THAT DEVIL WHISPERED LIES [bugpaw]

[FALCONHEART]

𓍊𓋼 Losing one’s mentor to forces outside their control is hard. When his own mentor had died, Falconheart had been a wreck for… weeks, even months. And sure, he’d found the body, but he’s been able to shrug it off pretty well, he thinks—at least there was no blood, at least there was no gruesome murder scene for him to see. Bugpaw… can’t say the same. She’d had to see it all: the hollow eyes, the whole gory mess, the blatant violence that an unknown cat had enacted upon Morningcloud. And the way she’d cried… the way she’d collapsed before even reaching her mentor’s fallen form, the way she’d wailed. It’ll never leave him, will it? The sound of his little sibling making sounds that should never come out of the mouth of a cat so young… it echoes in his ears even as night falls, and it keeps him awake and wide-eyed despite his best efforts.

Eventually, the warrior calls it quits, giving up on his attempts to fall asleep. With a subdued yawn, he hauls himself to his feet, glancing through the shadowed den to find his mother’s form curled into her nest. Safe. The white highlights of her fur is the only thing he can see in the dark, but there’s no blood. No reek of death. She’s safe. Everyone is safe. On careful paws he picks his way past limp tails and curled bodies—breathing, twitching, alive—until at last he’s free of the suffocating den. He steps out into the open air and takes in a deep breath, some of the tension leaving his spine as he spots a familiar figure situated not too far away. This isn’t the first time they’ve met like this, but it’s certainly worse than last time.

"Hey, Buggy…" he greets his younger sister, his voice a murmur in the night air. Why she’s outside of the apprentice den or why she’s up so late, he doesn’t bother to ask. He knows why. He remembers her words—if only she’d been there, if only she’d gotten her chores done quicker, her mentor wouldn’t have died alone. Falconheart grits his teeth at the idea, selfishly glad that Bugpaw hadn’t had a reason to be out on patrol with Morningcloud at the time. I can’t lose any of you. Mom can’t lose any of you. "I’m… I’m so sorry," he blurts out suddenly, his voice coming out strained and shaky. No apologies can bring back what she’s lost, no words can fix the hurt that she’s feeling, the hollow place that’s been left behind in her life. She’d been so happy to been mentored by Morningcloud—she doesn’t deserve this.

When his own mentor had died, he’d found ways to pin the blame on himself. For being too young to help, for being too afraid to get close once his mentor had fallen ill. "It wasn’t your fault, though, okay? You could have gotten just as hurt, and I… I’m glad you’re still here. What happened was really… really bad, but Morningcloud—she’s probably up in StarClan with Dad, smiling because she’s happy you weren’t with her." Morningcloud wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.

heaven knows 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 how hard i’ve tried

• ooc: @Bugpaw !
• 
• FALCONHEART ❯❯ he/him, thunderclan warrior
  ⭃ shorter than average cream tabby with white spotting. seems gloomy and has few friends, but is a hard worker and never neglects his duties.
  ⭃ son of flamewhisker and flycatcher ; brother to stormfeather, scorchedpaw, bugpaw, sunpaw, squirrelpaw, sparrowpaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted
  ⭃ penned by foxlore

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