THE ANATOMY OF HEARTBREAK \ quillstrike

[TWITCHBOLT]

Twitchbolt was always worried about something or other- but Quillstrike was a cat who held some innate ability to make him worry about something other than preservation. He knew the sadness that Quillstrike was inevitably feeling wasn't going to kill him, but... what sort of friend would he be if he just left it there? After a barrage of losses, Quillstrike had been there for Twitchbolt, had helped get him through it. It was time to return the favour. But... even if there was no debt, Twitchbolt knew deep within him that he'd still be doing this.

A squirrel clamped in his jaws, Twitchbolt wandered back over to where he had instructed Quillstrike to wait, and placed the prey at his friend's paws. It was a more isolated area of the camp, a part that favoured a quiet conversation. "We're gonna- hang out 'n have lunch together, okay?" he said, doing all he could to show the chimera that he wanted to be there for him, even if it wouldn't instantly fix anything. He couldn't imagine what the other tom was going through; Thistleback and Honeysplash both gone, disappeared into the night, scents petering into Twolegplace... the latter stopping more definitely than they other. At least they knew where Honeysplash had gone, he supposed, even if she hadn't said goodbye. Thistleback, though... that was a complete mystery. And it was no small feat for Twitchbolt to guess that Quillstrike's pain burrowed deeper than he was letting on. They'd both lost their mentors, now- but at least Twitchbolt knew that Daisyflight was dead.

He settled at Quillstrike's side, pelts brushing, and olivine eyes moved to notice a displaced bluejay feather, settled at a precarious angle along Quillstrike's spine. He nudged the feather with his nose, neatening it. A sigh pulled softly from his lungs. "Talking about stuff with you tends to- to make me feel- feel better. But you don't have to- have to- to talk about it, if you don't want to." He supposed it was best to start off by giving his friend the option, at least. If he'd rather them talk about anything other than it- that it being, the undoubtable grief that Quillstrike was likely feeling- then Twitchbolt gladly would.

\ @QUILLSTRIKE ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[QUILLSTRIKE]

DARK BLUE, DARK BLUE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM?​

---

Quill had come to the conclusion that physical pain was a far easier burden to bare in comparison to emotional pain. He'd take the sting of paws worked raw, or muscles screaming in protest after one too many training session- hell, even the violent battering of claws against flesh or jaws clamped tight around his throat was better than what he'd been feeling the last few moons. At least he understood those things, had clearcut answers to 'how' and 'when' and 'why'.

Emotional wounds gave no such closure, he found.

Instead, they festered far beneath the skin where no herb or balm could sooth the ache. If a cat was lucky then maybe, over time, they'd find themselves with a callous grown thick enough to dull it all to something more bearable- but for Quill that time had not yet come. The chimera felt heavier these days, burdened with the knowledge of things he wished he didn't know while cursed to never find the answers to the things he did want to know. Like, where had Thistleback gone? Why had he left? And what had made Honeysplash choose to return to the twolegs? Had it been something Quillstrike had done? Had he been a bad mate?

The only answers he had though were to the basics. Thistle and Honey were gone. They'd chosen to leave. And Quill felt was left feeling bad about it no matter what direction he approached it from.

The first few days had seen him slip into something familiar- a quiet, blank slate with eyes gone distant. He'd zone out at random or forget what he was doing, and talking to him was nearly impossible. He'd fell into autopilot before he could stop himself, a machine that simply followed the orders he was given and repeated the same routines he always had, only now there was no interest in interacting with anyone.

But that hadn't lasted long.

By the third day Quill had snapped back to himself, but with his sudden awareness had come an attitude that didn't usually sit so openly atop the toms shoulders- not since his early days as an apprentice, before meeting Thistleback. He was impatient and standoffish, a force of nature just waiting for a reason to unsheath his claws or snap at someone. The rumors didn't help in the least, apprentices and nosy queens who chattered about the missing shecat and the angry tom left behind. They wondered just how bad things had been that a happy, sweet girl like Honeysplash had up and abandoned Skyclan entirely in less that a moon after becoming mates with the odd, temperamental chimera. Hadn't he almost killed someone, once?

Hearing that kind of shit just made him angrier, which in turn only fueled the rumors more, until Quillstrike had withdrawn completely from the majority of his clanmates- not like before when he'd been hazy and lost to his thoughts, but physically, choosing to avoid them all whenever he wasn't called for patrols and opting to do the majority of his work alone.

The only cat who found themselves an exception to his irritability and forced isolation -of course- was Twitchbolt.

While Quill didn't seek him out anymore (some cruel, foul-mouthed thing told him there was a reason Honeysplash had left him, just like Twitch had tried to leave him after he'd first announced he had a mate) and it left him feeling far too guilty to actively ask the other for their company, jut in case it was true that they didn't want to be around him either. To their credit though, Twitch didn't need asking.

The brown and cream tomcat sought Quill out on their own, and since the chimera still didn't possess the tool necessary to tell the other 'no', it wasn't hard for Twitch to pull them into things like hunting patrols or listening to the older warriors talk about 'the old days'.

Or sitting in an abandoned spot in camp to wait for the other warriors return.

Quill wasn't really sure why Twitch had told him to sit there and to wait for him to come back, but the hulking feline had done as he was told regardless, haunches settling against the ground and mismatched eyes watched the other trot off toward the freshkill pile to snatch a squirrel up.

"We're gonna- hang out 'n have lunch together, okay?"

His mind supplied a memory then, of a time when the roles between them were reversed and it'd been Quill bringing them prey, the two of them sharing his nest as he tried to bring some kind of comfort to his grieving friend. Was that what Twitch was doing now; trying to comfort him?

His heart warmed in a way he wished it wouldn't, still determined to remain bitter in the face of his mates apparent betrayal. Stars- could he even fucking refer to her as that anymore? Mates? Surely not.

"Yeah, okay." he agreed, even though he wasn't really in the mood to do such. It was hard to say no to Twitch though, even more so when they were settling in beside him and leaning over to causally fix the feathers woven into his fur. It made his rebelling heart want to quiet, if only for a bit.

"Talking about stuff with you tends to- to make me feel- feel better. But you don't have to- have to- to talk about it, if you don't want to."

He took bite of the squirrel to purposefully avoid having to give an immediate answer. Pretty much every part of him was against talking about it. He felt humiliated, like his trust and feelings had meant nothing, and all the rumors weren't making it any easier, everyone wondering if he'd had anything to do with the cheerful shecats sudden decision to abandon her family and home. Talking about it felt like admitting they were right, like he was okay with just shrugging off his armor to show the world just how badly he'd been wounded beneath it. Habit told him exposing those kinds of soft spots were dangerous- and yet, as he sat there chewing his food, he couldn't find it in him to see Twitch as anything dangerous to him.

You didn't think she was dangerous to you either, though, and look at you now.

He pressed against the body beside him softly, a reassurance that they weren't being ignored as he sorted through his thought.

"There's not really much to talk about, is there?" he said after finally swallowing his mouthful of prey. "I fucked up somehow, and she left. That's really all there is to it." he shrugged, not knowing how to continue on the subject of the shecat. "And Thistle.. I don't know. I don't think he'd just leave without a reason, but obviously he had one. He could still come back one day though, I guess."
​

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skyclan - male - 16 months (Feb 17th) - bisexual - homoromantic - a very tall, dark chimera tomcat with mismatched eyes and several scars. has bluejay feathers woven like spikes along his spine and neck.

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

Twitchbolt had not been deaf to the rumours, and had shot death-glares to those he had heard whispering about it. In what world was it anyone's business except Quillstrike's? The clan could grieve for Honeysplash's disappearance, her choice to leave- but the circumstances of her departure were ones only she knew. There was venom in Twitchbolt's stare whenever he set it upon a gossiping queen and immature apprentice, and he had made a point of it to stay as with Quillstrike than he had always been. Than he would always be.

He pressed softly back, a silent patience- despite his dithering, his twitching, there was impatience- instead, within his wide eyes lay a watchfulness that his friend would recognise. Listening, waiting- and if Quillstrike said he didn't feel like talking, then they could just sit and eat in silence, like they had- hundreds, must be hundreds, of times now. More than ever, he wanted to show Quillstrike that he was there. Would be there unless some ungodly force ripped him from the roots of the earth and hurled him into some unseen dimension beyond StarClan.

It was, for once, not borne of that selfish feeling. The one that had left him stuttering, had thrown him into an immature rage at the sight of Honeysplash and Quillstrike's union. No, it simply stemmed from the care he held for the chimera, steadfastly. The comforting feeling of being wanted, of wanting, that Quillstrike had forced upon him all those moons ago. That care, it had latched onto him and had never, ever, let go. At first he'd misunderstood it, trying to rip it off- but now it was as much a part of him as the knots in his pelt.

Quillstrike's tone was as flat and direct as ever, even with this. Something he surely struggled with, something that anyone would feel betrayed and shattered in the face of. His expression softened, twitches seizing his eyelids for a moment. "Mmm-mm-maybe that is all it is to it. But- but it doesn't make it right, 'n doesn't make it... your fault, dude. She- should've said something to you." The last thing he wanted to do was demonise Honeysplash, especially with the horrible part of him that had felt so betrayed at her happiness- at their happiness. But... he could not deny it was a baffling thing to do. One that confused him in concept, because- he could never imagine leaving Quillstrike. A self-centred perspective, but one he could not shake.

And... Thistleback. A mentor-apprentice relationship that had bloomed from a punishment into something greater, something that gazed toward the sun and stretched its leaves into the atmosphere. His teeth chattered for a moment, thoughtful. "I don't- I don't think anything could keep Thistleback away from- from SkyClan for too long. But..." he hesitated, a sigh pushing through his lips. Was he even doing this right? Comforting? Or was he just making it all worse? Did Quillstrike even want his opinion? What right did he have to think when he didn't know them like Quill had, when he hadn't...

"It's hard, to not know." He admitted- a stated fact. Quillstrike liked those.​

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[QUILLSTRIKE]

DARK BLUE, DARK BLUE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM?​

---

Despite his apprehension to talk about it, he couldn't deny that the validation felt nice- like he wasn't going fucking insane for thinking the same thing- even if he'd been pissing her off, she should have said something before just bailing on him. He found himself nodding slowly, his apprehensions on the tip of his tongue.

"So.. I must have fucked up pretty bad if she just left, right?" he asked, casting a nervous side eye toward his friend. "I think I have a problem with that; not realizing when I'm upsetting someone." he admitted.

He must, if this kept happening- first with Twitch (despite their claims they could never lose him), and now with Honeysplash (who actually had). Stars, he was going to have major trust issues after this, wasn't he?

"You have to promise to tell me from now on if I'm doing it." he added after a moment, a sharpness to the words that he hadn't intended to be there, and in apology he leaned over to quickly lick a stray patch of fur flat behind their ear before continuing more softly. "I just don't want to drive you away too. So even if you think it'll piss me off, just tell me, okay? I'll get over it."

At the mention of his old mentor he hummed in agreement. Thistleback would never abandoned Skyclan without a cause, and nothing would keep him from coming back.

"He's probably dead."

It was something he'd been considering for a while now. He could see it being the most liable option- that Thistle had gone into twoleg place for something and then met his end at the hands of a dog or twoleg or the thunderpath. He didn't want to think that the tom could fall to something like that, but then again it probably wasn't wise to put them on a pedestal either. Thistleback was as mortal as any of them, no extra lives to keep him on his feet.

​

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skyclan - male - 16 months (Feb 17th) - bisexual - homoromantic - a very tall, dark chimera tomcat with mismatched eyes and several scars. has bluejay feathers woven like spikes along his spine and neck.

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

A soft sigh was all that left him at first, slow-release, aquiver with his eternal shakes. All he cold do was listen- listen to Quillstrike put this on himself, a choice another cat had made. A choice she had made without the courtesy of an explanation to anyone. It was not simply Quillstrike she had not told, but her family- Orangeblossom knew as much as the rest of them. He shook his head, but it was a slight, barely-noticeable movement.

You have to promise to tell me from now on if I'm doing it. Twitchbolt closed his eyes for a moment as the chimera leant in, flattened some of his ever-scruffy pelt. A small smile settled on his lips, but it was short-lived, fatigued. I just don't want to drive you away too. Guilt raked through his stomach again, a flash of pain that spasmed his eyelid. That he ever would... that he could, even. That capability didn't exist within him. Every part of him wanted to assure Quillstrike that he could never with every ounce of breath he had left within him. And what was stopping him?

"I promise," he murmured, locking eyes with the chimera. He wasn't done, though- his mouth shuddered open again. "But I also promise that you'll never drive me away. I need you to understand that, Quillstrike." There was a slight fray of tearfulness in his tone, a passion that the head steadfast, a feeling that he would never shake. "Even if you make me mad, or- I make you mad. I'll always get over it, too."

He leant more of his weight against Quillstrike. Reassurance. Or something. "You're my best friend." Or something.

Quillstrike's thought, his theory about Thistleback's fate... Twitchbolt sighed again, heavy and long. Dead. It almost seemed impossible, but... "Maybe." He couldn't say he hadn't considered it. There was point in hoping, but... point in acceptance, too. Which way to go had an uncertain answer, though. A lump rose in Twitchbolt's throat. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth." He kept himself pressed against the chimera's side, glancing up at him. "I'm sorry it all happened at once." No time to get used to it- to come to terms with one of them. Two, whipped away in a blink of the eye. ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[QUILLSTRIKE]

DARK BLUE, DARK BLUE, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM?​

---

"Even if you make me mad, or- I make you mad. I'll always get over it to.

Your my best friend"

He was trying so hard to swallow down his feelings, because it shouldn't have hurt so much to hear such nice things. It shouldn't have hurt to feel such nice things, and yet Twitchbolts steadfast declaration of friendship made his heart feel like it was going to explode in his fucking chest. He wasn't built to feel such levels of gratefulness and adoration, and it filled every part of his soul to the point where he could feel it wanting to spill out of him somehow- in tears he'd never allow himself to shed, in words he didn't know how to speak.

How could he ever express it to them in any way that would even come close to doing it justice?

Looking down at the other, he didn't think he'd ever be able to. Definitely not with words, at least.

"I'm sorry it all happened at once."

"Thanks." he replied, knowing Twitch deserved the recognition. Nobody else gave crap. Nobody else was out here trying to keep him from falling apart. "Maybe it's better this way though. At least it's all over at once and I can just move on instead of it being dragged out."

The only silver lining he could see- aside from one other thing.

"At least I still have you."

He looked at Twitch then, really looked at them. This cat- this random, weird, storm-loving, twoleg-hating cat, was all he had left in the world that made him truly happy. Maybe that was all he needed. Fuck being some cats mate and starting a family. Fuck trying to open himself up to others who were just going to screw him over in the end. Twitch was all he really needed to be happy anyways, wasn't he? Any other cat could walk off the planet and no matter how much it hurt, Quill would survive it, so as long as he had Twitch at his side.

"Here- one sec." he said, turning away to reach over and pluck one of the bluejay feathers from his spine. He turned back to the other with it clutched gently in his teeth, and then leaned forward to carefully intertwine it into the fur by twitches ear.

"There." he said when he finished, leaning back to look at his work with a faint but pleased smile. "So that people know whose best friend you are. This way you can keep me with you even when I'm not around."

[/i]​

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skyclan - male - 16 months (Feb 17th) - bisexual - homoromantic - a very tall, dark chimera tomcat with mismatched eyes and several scars. has bluejay feathers woven like spikes along his spine and neck.

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

The gratitude was appreciated, met with a smile, a genuine one. Subdued, still, given the content of their conversation- and he kneaded mismatched paws as he listened, gaze subtly flickering across the chimera's face. All he could do was nod at Quillstrike's solemn conclusion- maybe, maybe, it was better this way. Better all at once than dragged out, if it truly had to happen. Still- he knew very well what it was like to lose something so much sooner than you had expected, with no opportunity to prepare. There were still a lot of things he wished he could say to Daisyflight, to Tidespin, to Ravencall... and though he and Quillstrike were opposites in many ways, he would bet they likely shared that sentiment.

At least I still have you. The words suspended themselves in the air, spinning on a delicate thread; Twitchbolt met Quillstrike's asymmetrical eyes, and felt familiar warmth spreading beneath his fur. His eyelid twitched, but he didn't falter for once- he held onto that feeling, keeping it safe in his chest instead of shoving it a thousand feet underground. "You always will," he assured him, crooked tail curling a little tighter around his own flank. There were many things in the world that Twitchbolt doubted, but this- this was not one of them.

Twitchbolt hadn't expect the look they shared to linger for so long- when the chimera turned away for a moment, he felt a vague flicker-flame of disappointment, but one that was soon snuffed out. It was an illogical feeling, anyways- one he knew he shouldn't have, knew was impossible to resolve by any other means than simply getting rid of it- but he couldn't help but feel it, every time Quillstrike met his eye like that, said things like that. He couldn't help but see the future he'd always imagined, one with Quillstrike by his side, braving every hardship alongside him. In moments like this... it was foolish to think so, but it didn't seem impossible.

He startled a little at the touch, the slightest breeze of breath, but he didn't flinch away- he immediately settled, his heart assured that he was safe. The kindled fire in his chest stayed, stayed, stayed. Sustained and glowed in a grin; he'd always joked about wanting his own feathers, had always admired how they looked on Quillstrike- it felt oddly meaningful to bear one now. "I... I-" and he cursed himself for stuttering, "Fff- finally rival you in awesomeness," he finished, eyes alight with humour, voice a-crackle with the hoarse mirth he withheld for many- but never for Quillstrike. "Thank you," he said earnestly, condemning inwardly the quickened pace of his heart. "I- I just wish I had something for you. If you- strain your ears, you'll always be able to hear me yelling." Something of a joke, but- he meant the first half, at least. He supposed he and Quill had caught that bluejay together, at least.​

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