sensitive topics the law of cycles ☀︎ birth/death

[Sunfreckle]

TW: Kitten death (stillborns), trauma and panic attacks

The first time he had kits his memories are not of the pain or discomfort but the joy at having them at his side and mewling delightfully; finally brought into the world after moons of simply being a thought, a passing idea, mere whimsy. His kits filled him with happiness, he remembers touching his nose to each one, naming them one at a time with Rabbitnose’s occasional suggestion that may or may not have been judged before they both came to an agreement.
Dovekit, for her white pelt. Frecklekit for her many spotty marks. Mossykit for her dark coat. Mousekit for her tiny ears and pitched squeal. Sparkkit for his brilliant red coloring just like Sunfreckles own. The agony of kitting itself faded to a distant echo, he hardly remembered it but now it is all he can focus on. There is no lightheartedness inside him at the first rush of pain that clamps like teeth around his midsection, he feels no thrill at the knowledge they were soon to come into this world. He only feels horror, fear, remorse. Sunfreckle cries out, less in agony and more in despair, he doesn’t want them to exist-he wants them gone-they had already died and he was to deliver corpses to ThunderClan; the most minimal purpose he could have and he could not even afford his clan that. He could not even protect the smallest life. Part of him almost believes he deserves to suffer in silence but a gasp escapes him and he selfishly calls for help despite himself but perhaps too late; things were moving a lot quicker than he expected and he is only faintly aware of the shadows flitting across the den mouth as cats move in; shrouding him in darkness as he is suddenly gifted the knowledge at last on whether the litter had made it.
Yes and no. He knows something is wrong quickly, counts in his head and shuts his eyes tight and wonders why everything was so much sharper and more clear than it had been moments before. One, two, three, four…
His nest is a sea of red, matching his pelt in a brilliant sheen but there is no vibrance in either, he had not groomed in days, he is a tangled shell of the cat he was before with no desire to correct it or move otherwise. A punishment befitting him, he feels a sudden numbness he was not prepared for lace upward from the base of his spine into the back of his throat like a bolt of lightning. ‘I’m going to die.’
His heart pounds in his head, he hears his name and isn’t sure who is saying it but their voice is a gentle whisper with a sharp tone, muffled beneath the waves crashing over him and smothering him back down. Sunfreckle does not remember the pain piercing him so sharply he blacks out, but the pain itself lingers well after…

Green eyes snap open, he is awake, he is alive; an exhaustion clings to him that tries to drag him back into the dark and inky depths of sleep and yet he is suddenly and alarmingly aware of tiny paws and tiny mouths near him and for a moment he does not react.
What had happened-he had blacked out, he thought he was dying, he had probably been dying-he didn’t know anymore. There were four kits, four kits, one gone, two gone…were they all dead? Is he to be haunted by the ghosts of the kittens he failed?
Sunfreckle is standing then, the sudden shift of movement sending tiny forms tumbling over into the nest to mewl and cry with empty stomachs and no warmth; his legs shaking as he backs himself into the furthest corner of the nursery with wide-eyes to get away from them. Like a shield his tail flicks out, curls in front of him covered dried blood and lacking its usual luster and he huddles like some unclean and cryptid thing away from the cries of the spirits demanding him.

---

[Ooc]
PAFP - @Rabbitnose
Tl;dr cause I don’t like writing descriptive birth threads and prefer being artsy:
Sunfreckle nearly died kitting, had four kits and two didn’t make it.
Medicine cat tags: @BERRYHEART & @LICHENPAW
Kit tags: @RAINBOWKIT & @sunshinekit .
​

 

[Rabbitnose]

Rabbitnose was nothing but stress and anxiety in the days following up to the birth of his kits. He couldn't stop worrying. He had gotten dizzy a few times and needed to lean on someone, been made to sit down for a second to catch himself. He wasn't trying to be a nuisance, but he had never been so scared and stressed in his life. He still pulled his weight, still went on patrol and brought home prey, but it was noticeable, the difference. No smiles, no silly quips.

He was returning with a mouse when he heard Sunfreckle call for help. All at once, everything happened so quickly. He dropped the mouse immediately, leaving it near the entrance as he bolted for the nursery.

"Sunfreckle- I'm here!" He said, taking his place by his mate. He was scared. Panicked and scared.

He tried to gently reassure Sunfreckle as the process went on, but the pool of blood is what made him break. Tears welled in wide, terrified eyes as he tried his best to keep his cool. He couldn't lose it here.

"Hang in there, you're okay- You're going to be okay, you're almost done-" His voice was strangled with emotion. "Don't leave me..." He pleaded. Begged. He couldn't live without Sunfreckle. He trembled as he held him to his chest, holding him gently and close.

Rabbitnose nearly did faint from it all, but he fought against what his mind wanted and stayed conscious. His face was wet with tears and his thoughts were nothing but a mess of white noise now.

And then, it was over. Four kits, two of them gone before they even had a chance to live.

Its not fair.

He watches as Sunfreckle gets up and...Leaves the kits. "S-sunfreckle..."

He is left with his kits as Sunfreckle curls up in the far side of the nursery. He stares at his mate and his gut twists at the sight of him. He looks terrible. Feels terrible, he knows. A squeak pulls his attention away. He looks down at the kits....

"H...Hey...." He says to them, struggling to sound cheerful. He encircles them in his forelegs and grooms each one, even the dead ones. They deserved that much.

He looks them over. "I guess.... I have to name you, don't I...."

He takes a moment to look at them. One reminding him of morning sunshine, and the other, a rainbow after a sun shower. He closes his eyes before speaking again, nuzzling into the tiny bodies against him. It shouldn't have been like this. All four kits should be here. This should have been a happy occasion, but it was turned into a horrible, terrifying experience that left likely everyone scared. For Sunfreckle, for the kits. He didn't know what to do. The kits needed milk, they needed warmth....

He opened his eyes on the white furred kit with silver and golden markings. The one that reminds him of a sun shower, the sun peaking through the clouds after the rain. "@RAINBOWKIT...." Rainbow, for the beauty after the storm.

He looks to the other little blue kit, another tortie. This one reminds him the sunlight over the trees, dew still clinging to the forest as it wakes. Cool spring mornings that turn to warm days. "@sunshinekit......" Sunshine, for morning light that brings the world to life.

And then, he looks to the ones they lost. A soft blue tortie, their colors much lighter than Sunshinekits. "Softkit...." For the softness of their color and coat. He feels sick as he looks upon the remaining one, one that resembles him. Tears fall from his eyes again and his ears flatten against his head.

"And Sweetkit." For the sweet dreams he hopes they will have among the stars. "Because I know thats what you two would be if.....If you were here."

He looks away and squeezes his eyes shut, freeing tears that so quickly replaced the ones before. "They need.....They need someone to feed them...." He says, opening his eyes to look to Sunfreckle. "S-sunfreckle.....?"​

 

[& RAINBOWPAW]

So very little about this world was familiar. And the biggest thing— presence he's known for moons, comforting weight; the thing he feels he should be drawn to is no longer near. It is seasons away in his minutes - old mind, and the gap grows further the longer he feels his limbs and the new ground below him. He does not understand.

He does not understand enough to feel resentment toward it, either. The world is white noise, damp bodies— two still— and the voice of a tom he did not know yet. It would be moons yet, before he'd have the desire to ask why? So for now, he only mewls. Shrill, but not overbearing. He cries out for something, anything, and that in itself he would not know the meaning of.

A warm tongue rasps atop his head and he falls silent, content with this for now. He feels his siblings and a much larger head pressing into his. He would not think as such, but this is what he wanted.

Unbeknownst to him, he is named. He is Rainbowkit. Three others gain names beside him, but he would only know one of them. He lives and he breathes, and he would not think it, but he knows that he is hungry. The silence would not last forever, and eventually, he mewls again.​

 

[MOUSENOSE]

Mousepaw knows Sunfreckle has been struggling. He has rested in the nursery, but his eyes are haunted, afraid, and although Rabbitnose has spent as much time with him as he could have, there is no chasing the darkness. She has willed herself to visit him, to bring him prey he picks over or won’t eat, to tell him silly stories about something she had done, somewhere she had been, to brag over catching a leaf from Silverlightning’s pelt—but nothing has been able to cheer him up.

She’d been out of camp when Sunfreckle’s kitting had begun. By the time she slips through the gorse tunnel with her mentor by her side, it’s over. Someone pads past her, carrying limp, tiny things that do not move. “Wait… what…” Kits. Dead kits, kits who had not survived their birth. Only one queen resides in the nursery.

She feels sick immediately, her belly hot with nausea. “Oh, no!” Her cry is shrill. Sunfreckle’s worst fears had come true—he’d lost them. He’d lost his kits.

She can just make out the patchy blue and white fur of Rabbitnose in the nursery, and she breaks into a sprint to skid to a halt just outside. “Please, please tell me he’s okay,” she cries. Mousepaw isn’t prepared for what greets them when they poke their nose through the ferns, though.

Two kits in a matted red nest, squirming, crying. Rabbitnose hovers over them, his face clouded with sorrow, and in the corner, panting and terrified, is Sunfreckle. Mousepaw is astounded—she’s never seen her father look that way, neither of them. Acidic green gaze falls to the mewling, writhing shapes in the moss. “Two of them lived,” she whispers. “Oh… Sunfreckle, please, they… they need you, they’ll get cold!”

She crouches over them, her eyes wide with astonishment. A little tortoiseshell with fur like her own, and a kit with brilliant blue and gold striping. She breathes over them, marvels, and whispers, “I’ll keep you warm, too, until Sunfreckle is better.” They curl their body around them. There is no milk she can give them—that is something her father will have to do once he calms down—but she can give them warmth, and sisterly love. She looks up at Rabbitnose, wondering if he can bring Sunfreckle back to the kits who lived.
​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[Marigoldpaw]

Marigoldkit didn't make a peep in the nursery while Sunfreckle was kitting. He was admittedly curious about the birthing process, but now wasn't a happy moment. It was easy for him to fall into doubt too, wondering if any of the babies would make it. Part of him also wonders if maybe that was a blessing, as he sometimes thinks that maybe it would be better if he didn't survive.

He knows it's not a pleasant thought, and it's not one he has ever revealed to anyone, but in his mind it was a reasonable one. He still feels like a stranger in ThunderClan, even though he's been fully welcomed. Maybe he won't ever truly feel like a member, but he never felt like he belonged in the presence of his birth mother, either. He was labelled as a problem child from the moment he became aware, and it's stuck with him. Was bringing their lives into this world cruel? He doesn't know.

For a moment it almost looks like the lead warrior wouldn't make it, but he does. If anyone did belong, it was him. He's glad there will be no heartbreak there. The kits, however...he feels like he can't rest as he patiently awaits the status of them. Unfortunately, two don't make it. He shakes his head sadly despite his previous thoughts. Even so, two of them do make it. It was not all in vein. He cheers, despite his worry.

When Sunfreckle awakes next, he's quick to panic, which Marigoldkit isn't shocked about. What he doesn't expect, however, is for the almost immediate rejection of the two living kittens, as he finds his own corner to shrink into. The babies whine, their other father names them in place of his mate, and their older sister comforts them instead. Feelings come rushing back to him, of his mother leaving him to starve while the other four ate. Bile raises in his throat as the sour memories come back to haunt him.

He decides in an instant that yes, these two deserved to live. Their lives were important, and he would make sure they didn't have to grow up feeling the way he does. The older kitten leaps over to Mousepaw, and he gives her a look. "Let me..." He doesn't say anything more, and also wraps himself around the even tinier kittens, draping his tail over them to warm them.​

​

 

[sunshinespot]

[ mobile </3 ]

Though a child arrives wailing, air hitting their lungs painfully at first bite, it's not enough. Though chunky, stout limbs flail and a slightly too-big head lifts and wobbles before falling once again, it's not enough. Sweet eyes remain shut and bellies remain empty as their birth giver shuffles away, the distant pain of his circumstance creating a wall betwixt him and his surviving two. The world's cool air only lasts so long before a circlet of warmth is provided to them once again, voices beyond muffled but hopeful, positive. And for how little enough the two surviving kittens seem to prove to the poor, spiraling father, as are the poor few who attempt to remedy the situation.

They are named Sunshinekit - a softened moniker gifted for a spot of positivity. They let out a feeble cry, hardly in response though aptly timed. Much of what they experience is too new, and even as they understand too little of it, they find the capacity to dislike it. They sprawl in beside Mousepaw, paws pressing against their older sibling's arm though they make no clear effort to suckle from it. At most, Sunshinekit makes their displeasure known; perhaps they aim to spend most, if not all, of their distaste in their first hours of life. Perhaps the rest will come easier afterwards, as with their negativity spent so soon they'll have little to utilize in their coming youth.

​

 

[LITTLE WOLF]

Watching her friend go through this inner torment was difficult. To stand by and know there was nothing she could say, nothing she could do, that would heal the loss of a child, it was torture. She could only do her best by offering to groom his pelt when she could, bringing him prey when he hadn't even asked for it, be by his side even if he didn't want her to. If he pushed her away she would go, but she would be right there ready to pick up the pieces if he asked. When Sunfreckle gives birth to his kits she is outside the nursery waiting, wanting to give the two their privacy, but as soon as she hears cries of kittens come from the den she heads in, surprised to see Sunfreckle in the corner, as if shying away from the bundles of fur squirming and mewling in the nest. She looks at him for merely a moment, unsure if her comfort would be welcome or if he would hiss and tell her to go away. For now, she decides to give him space.

Mousepaw all but begs Sunfreckle to come comfort his kits and Little Wolf's heart nearly breaks in two. She cannot imagine the pain her friend is experiencing... "They're gorgeous Rabbitnose and their names are beautiful" she says, choosing to come to the white warriors side "If Sunfreckle is... unable to feed them we can find another queen who can it'll be okay." she reassures, green eyes peer at the red tom for a moment before returning to look at the two kits who are now squirming around, searching for milk and finding none and then the two that are still. "Morningpaw, please watch over these two" she says quietly. Later, she would help them bury them but for now, she would mourn and celebrate with the rest of the clan.
​

 

[BERRYHEART]

He had feared Nifty's kitting would be a difficult one- had prepared Freckles for the moment best he could, low warning given that what they would see might be less than a miracle of new kits. It was impossible to tell, and had remained so even past the belly-wound's healing; and the red tom had appeared to resign himself completely to the most pessimistic and soul-shredding option. Berryheart hated to have to watch, but in truth could offer nothing than the assurance that his wounds were healed, and that a future for his kittens still lay in the cards.

The blood phased him scarcely as he worked, standing by and tending to his duty until all was done. Four kittens, two of which writhed and moved, two of which had joined the stars. Berryheart's chest grew heavy upon seeing them, and he lifted his head to the sky for a moment, askew eyes fluttering closed in a silent prayer. They would be met well with kin and ThunderClan brethren, there.

Nifty moved quickly, despite the strain he had just been under- the brink he had just kissed with his paws. Berryheart's eyes narrowed at the sight, but he resisted the flaring urge to shout and stop him. He could not understand, could never understand. He would not pretend he knew what was going through Nifty's head at that moment.

He looked toward the ginger tom, huddled in the corner. "Don't hurt yourself further," he said softly, a slow blink obscuring his eyes for a moment before his ever-watchful gaze returned to the kittens, huddled now by an older youth to keep their warmth. His sister's verdict elicited only a silent nod from him, concern standing as a lump in his throat that stopped him from saying any more.​

PENNED BY PIN ☾​

 

[Sunfreckle]

The den was suddenly so loud, but everything sounded muffled and obscured as though he were buried deep beneath the earth like the very kits he'd brought into the world would be soon. Sunfreckle stares wide-eyed, pupils blown out and expression one of fearful uncertainty as cats filtered in one by one and he stared at the nest he'd died and resurrected in, his grave marred red and the sounds of kitten squeals continuing to haunt him. Green gaze flits to Rabbitnose's face at his pleas but he remains shaking and silent in face of them-their kits are named and he wants to scream, demand they be taken away so he did not have to see his failings so blatantly there any longer. Concern tightens faces, fretful voices call for him to come back and he wonders why-why-why did he have to go back when there was nothing there but death and rot and a reminder of his own frailty, his own foolishness. Cold-hungry-kits...
The red tabby huddles further into his corner-he didn't know what they were talking about-was he being mocked for his false litter, was he being ridiculed for bringing only limp and motionless bundles of fur to place before ThunderClan. The long haired tom trembles, head still ow and the mewling had not stopped yet, he shakes his head as though that will put an end to the noise but it does not, he still hears them whispering from the stars and crying out for him. His kits-his kits all gone. Warily he watches Mousepaw and then Marigoldkit clamber into his abandoned nest, murmur quietly to the tiny bodies blessed with names so perfect he wanted to cry, cry so hard it hurt, cry so much he felt empty and devoid of tears ever again.
Little Wolf joins them, shoots him a look so full of pity it makes his stomach churn; would Morningpaw come and get them? The four of them? Carry them away in the way he would never get to? Tote them by their tiny scruffs to somewhere better-why was he STILL hearing the squeals of kittens, loud and almost deafening now-was a cruel trick being played on him? Was he to sit here and suffer it until he drifted to sleep at long last?
Sunfreckle rose to stand, teetering on three legs and wobbling forward to perch at the edge of the moss and flattened bracken, peering down at his daughter and the point form of Marigoldkit and his eyes widened and then narrowed in horror and then suspicion. Moving...
They were moving. He had spent so long not feeling them, not knowing that they were there that he had blocked it off; had refused to allow even the idea they might survive. The tabby's tail lifts and he steps over the tortie form of Mousepaw to settle himself back into the nest opposite her, the mewling kits caught between them all tucked into red fur and nearly vanishing from sight. Sunfreckle continues to say nothing, ears pinned back and eyes wide and unblinking as he stares downward; shock and disbelief still too overwhelming for him to focus. But...they were moving.
​

 

[Rabbitnose]

. He smiles softly as Mousepaw approaches and helps him keep the kits warm, and then at Marigoldkit as he joins in as well. He gives Mousepaw a nuzzle and a lick on the head.

"This is your big sister, Mousepaw!" He says quietly to the kits. "She'll teach you how to be cool, just like her." He adds, smiling at his daughter.

"And Marigoldkit will be a great playmate!" He added. He appreciated his help too. He will make a great warrior, he thinks.

He is thankful for Little Wolf's company, and finds it just a bit easier to get through this painful moment with her here. He knows she understands what he and Sunfreckle are going through, and her support brings a little clarity back to him. Everything would be okay.

"They deserve beautiful names, after everything.... They made it despite the odds being against them." He says. "N-not to say the other two were weak....." He quickly adds on. " They're only kits, after all.... I hope they receive just as much love in Starclan as they would have here." He continues, eyes welling up again.

Another queen to nurse the kits.... He frowned at the thought.... It should be Sunfreckle.... But looking once more at his mate, he understood that it might be necessary. He wished he knew what to say...

But to his relief, Sunfreckle came back to them. He settled down with them, and Rabbitnose nudged the kits to his belly.

"See, Sun...? They're okay. These two.... They made it..." He said. His voice trembled. "They're alive...."

He pressed his face against his and sighed shakily. "It's going to be okay..... You're going to be okay."​