private THE PRESENCE OF INVISIBLE THINGS ✿ crowpaw

[DOEBLAZE]

when she seeks crowpaw out, it's with apology written all over her face. as his mother, she's painfully aware that she has not there when she should be, and she is sorry. sorry for this, and a hundred other things; sorry for disappearing for a moon and a half to places unknown, sorry for taking a second mate. sorry that her duties as a warrior, as a lead warrior, inevitably tear her away from the kits she'd once cradled to her belly and whispered broken promises to.

most of all, though, she's sorry for what she hasn't done. that when her children had looked at her with faces still padded with innocent kitten-fluff, not gaunt with new age and tragedy as they are now, and asked her where's our dad?, she hadn't given them an answer. that when the other fathers visited the nursery, she hadn't given them an explanation for why they only had her. bobbie's new relationship, still cautious and fresh, has not entirely dispelled the phantom ache of the last.

"crowpaw?" she mews, blinking worried green eyes at him. she knows she looks unfamiliar, standing before him now—collarless, newly muscled, freckled with white—and smells unfamiliar, of snow and distant lands slowly fading. "i want to talk to you, please," she says, tinged with pleading. when had they become so distant? bobbie exhales sharply and adds, "it's about your father."

only the sun has come this close ✿ ( only the sun )

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  bobbie ; lead warrior of skyclan
  x. she/her ; 42 moons ; tags
  x. small, scarred lilac tabby and white she-cat with green eyes
  x. played by dejavu
  x. mother to lupinepaw, crowpaw, and drowsypaw.

​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

Crowpaw expects only Silversmoke to seek him out. Things are rocky with Lupinepaw, so he doesn't expect her to come and find him. Not after the harsh words they spat at each other. Maybe Drowsypaw would look for him, but he isn't sure. Ever since they became apprentices all they've done is drift apart and now the gap between them has grown to the point where they've become strangers. The first one to abandon them was their mother. Guess we all take after her after all. At the call of his name from her lips, he refuses to look at her. She's met with a snort "Are you sure you aren't mistaking me for Lupinepaw?" She's your favorite after all. Always has been. Even if his words are laced with hatred at the name of his sister, he is aware Bobbie knows who is. She had once cared for them. Even if they all shared the same colored pelts, she always knew who was who. That was one thing she could be counted on, yet it brings him no satisfaction.

He's being cruel towards her. You're not being cruel enough. He shoves the thought down and slowly turns to face her. "I'm surprised you remember my name." She is different. Has been different ever since she became a warrior, away from them. Now, she's become a stranger. No longer is she the mother who bore a red color, who was thin, who had white freckles, or who caries an unfamiliar scent. Just as he is no longer the small mewling kit latching onto her leg, whining about how loud everyone was. The small scar on his lip screaming at her that he unfamiliar as well. When she pleads to speak with him, he's met with a scowl and a roll of his eyes. "So now you want to talk to me?" Bobbie would not miss the bitterness behind his words. The bitterness of a child who wanted his mother to at least look his way.

Funny. Now that he's given the attention he's always wanted, he rejects it. Do you want to talk to me because you're sorry or you want me to do something? He would stare at her, waiting for to continue. If an apology came from her lips he would walk away, he swears on it. Instead, she mentions his father. Hazel eyes widen in shock. Their father was a taboo topic. He remembered when they had asked her and every time she would not indulge. She would move on, and from her refusal he knew he was a horrid tom. If he was still a kit he would've asked her a million of questions. Oh, how he wanted to know every little thing about him. His name. What he looked like. How he was like. If he was strong. What his favorite meal was. Things like that.

"Why?" His voice trembles. "Why now?" Did you know how much I wanted to know when I was a kit?! His expression alternates between sadness and confusion. "You never... You never ever wanted to speak about him. Every time we asked, you said nothing. So why do you want to tell me now?"

 

[DOEBLAZE]

Guilt washes over her, drowning her in its swamp-thick waters, spread through with strands of gilded regret. Bobbie has spent so long repairing the gashes to her heart, collecting up the dark blood staining her and waiting for the tender spots to lose their soreness, that she has forgotten that she is not the only one with that crevasse. She has lost a mate, yes, but her children have lost a father—and she realizes now that in her efforts to shield them, she has only left them with more to wonder and more to lose. The shame chokes her like bile and Crowpaw's words are proof enough. Bobbie inhales, sharp and acrid as spun glass. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner. I didn't—I wasn't—" She's gasping past the smothering weight of her own excuses. She's painfully aware of it, a pain as clear as the swelling and invisible moon. How can I expect to help my Clanmates when I can't help myself? Help my children? The revelation steels her and she finds the words again. "When you and your siblings saw the other fathers visiting the nursery, when you asked me about him....I didn't—I didn't want you to feel less without him. Less for what he'd done."

"I thought it was better if I didn't tell you. I thought it was better if I just tried to make up for him. But it was—" Bobbie's voice cracks like thin porcelain ice, and she swallows hard before she continues. "It was hard, trying to be two parents for you. Trying to be enough. I wasn't, I wasn't trying to keep you in the dark. I thought it was better." She looks down at her paws, feeling the tenderness of that old wound being pulled.

"Do you want to know? What he did?" She says finally, shuffling her paws. Her voice is bittersweet and decaying. "I don't want you to think it's your fault."

i'm a moon ☾ ( constantly chasing you )

• 

• 

  bobbie ; lead warrior of skyclan
  x. she/her ; 42 moons ; tags
  x. small, scarred lilac tabby and white she-cat with green eyes
  x. played by dejavu
  x. mother to lupinepaw, crowpaw, and drowsypaw. mate to blazestar.

​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

An apology? That was unexpected. So much so he raises a brow, befuddled. Had he been younger maybe he would have forgiven her instantly, given her a hug and tell her it's alright. Unfortunately he no longer held the same level of innocence. The smoke tom is at a loss for words. His mother apologies once more and before he can get a single word in she is explains herself. He finds himself waiting listening to every word, every excuse she has to offer to him. And when she's done he remains silent to finish gathering his thoughts. Her pained voice still has power over him, but he refuses to back down and forgive her easily. Perhaps that's why he refuses to acknowledge her apology.

"I didn't feel less without him. If I met him know I would try and kill him, so that's a good thing." A small comfort for his mother. That back then she was his entire world and that there was a time where he truly felt loved by her. As for what he had done, the tom only has a vague clue. It's difficult to feel less for something he doesn't even know the full story of. Heck, it's hard to care or feel the same level of emotions towards his father as his mother does. The tom is a stranger to him that just so happens to share blood. If she told him right now to his face that he died the worst death was mauled by a fox or something, he wouldn't be wailing over his death.

She also seemed to think all of them were completely in the dark. As if none of them could take a hint. They did stop asking about him after a bit. He's spoken to Lupinepaw and Drowsypaw alike. All of them have come into agreement whoever their father was is an awful tom who had hurt their mother badly. A cat that had either abandoned them or died. Either way he hurt their mother and asking her only brought sadness. "Even though you didn't tell me anything I knew he was bad. You always looked so sad, and I learned it was better to pretend not to care or notice." He remembered the silent relief in his mother's eyes when he would look at her and ask her questions that didn't revolve around his father. There was something else she must know. "I won't lie there were times watching everyone else with their dads made me sad. All I wanted was that experience. A dad who would come and ruffle my fur and ask if I caused you any trouble. Whatever dads do. I wouldn't know." All I ever wanted was for you or him to look at me and say I'm glad you were born. I love you so much. That's all I need to be happy.

And then, she is mistaken once again. I know it was hard, the three of us weren't exactly easy kits. As soon as we became apprentices you ran off with your new freedom. You must have thought, finally. His mother became a different cat once she moved into the warriors den and let's not forget he saw her with Blazestar in passing. She didn't notice him, too busy with Blazestar. "You never asked what any of us wanted. I bet Lupinepaw or Drowsypaw haven't told you how they really feel either," he answers with bitterness. One may argue that none of them had any right to tell her what to do and they would be correct, but it wouldn't have hurt if she simply told them her thoughts and what she thought would be best for them. To listen to each of their thoughts and come to a decision that was a middle ground. He is then reminded of Fireflypaw who is also hurt by his mother. Not that her being with Blazestar was terrible, but it seems like neither of their parents thought of asking them how they would feel. They chased their own happiness without a thought towards their children. Maybe they think it'll work out. Or maybe they never thought about us at all.

The offer was there. To finally know everything he wanted. However, that's not what he really wants to know. He wants to know if he is and his father are the same. If that is why she prefers Lupinepaw or Drowsypaw opposed to him. Perhaps it is unnerving to her how cold his gaze is towards her or a even a little disturbing by his lack of blinking. Her final words are desperate. "You're too late." There was already too much he messed up. I'm already broken. From the very beginning he knew he was strange. Cherrypaw someone he still considered his friend even though she hadn't spoken to him in moons taught him how to be a little more normal. There were days he had wished he was more like Lupinepaw or maybe if he hadn't been born then all of them would be happier.

Nevertheless, the apprentice makes it clear he doesn't want to talk or want reassurance that it's not his fault. If this was not his fault then other things were. Namely Lupinepaw, whom he yelled at and she in turn called him a freak. "I want to know everything about him. His name, what he looked like, what he was he like... Everything." If anything, she has his full attention. The only way she would cause him to turn his back on her is by lying to him. If she didn't want to talk about everything then he wanted his name and what he looked like. That alone would suffice.