pafp THE THINGS YOU LEARNED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG — jealousy

[betonyfrost]

Clanrock leaves a shadow that stretches further across camp than it stretches from base towards the sky—a strange illusion that Betonyfrost watches with only a mild interest. Her mind is elsewhere; always elsewhere, always where it returns. She thinks of Chilledstar, she always thinks of Chilledstar, and her heart flutters in her chest as it has done since she has been young. She thinks of Chilledstar and for a brief moment she is so consumed by her anger that she feels nauseated.

Betonyfrost hasn't always been patient and she hasn't always been calm but anyone else in her circumstance—in love, in painful love—couldn't be expected to behave with a fraction of the willpower Betonyfrost has possessed over the countless moons. She has the occasional slip up, but asking for perfection from her was akin to telling a kit to leave alone a loose tooth.

And then she sees Chilledstar and in a moment—in a single lapse—Betonyfrost's chest freezes. She forgets on occasion the magnitude of her want; she forgets how small she is, when compared to that. And Chilledstar will deny her this. They will look at Betonyfrost and reject her, gentle and firm and terribly, terribly cruel. Her heart aches with the memories of it: how Chilledstar could be so cruel to Betonyfrost as to deny her one chance at happiness, how then Betonyfrost is the only one to see the cruelty in that, and how impossibly, achingly, it seems to be directed at Betonyfrost alone.

"You," Betonyfrost spits. She hadn't remembered she was in the shade, not until after she's blinking sunlight from her eyes in pursuit of Chilledstar, "Do you look at me and see a fool? Is that what you've taken me for?"

//please wait for @CHILLEDSTAR.

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 31 moons | tags​

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[CHILLEDSTAR.]

they weren't really sure why they were expecting one day. one single day where they're not being bothered or messed with. one day where they're not being blindly accused of something, especially when they have no idea what the hell it is. they slow down their pace to turn to betonyfrost with a cold smile, though for someone like her it could be mistaken for being genuine.

"oh, hello, betonyfrost. oh yes, yes, it is a rather wonderful day. a nice one. yes, not too hot. not too cool. maybe we will see some rain. oh what's that? how am i? i am going rather good! my shoulder isn't hurting too bad right now and I'm not d–"

their eyes shrink back slightly before they just shake their head, dropping the smile, dully blinking at her. of course. is there anyone in this stars forsaken clan that isn't so self absorbed. so worried about their own feelings and never the feelings of others. selfish. selfish. selfish sniveling kits– their tail lashed back and forth and back again.

"what is it now? what have I done that pissed you off so much, huh? what? what!?"

they all but hissed. they may have been a bit quick to react but they can't even really say they care. she always did this. always took things too far. why couldn't she just see, for once, that not everything was done to hurt her? not everything done was about her, especially when it came to what chilledstar was doing? her delusions were going to get her in trouble one day.

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[SHARPSHADOW]

Whatever was going on between Chilledstar and Betonyfrost at any point... Sharpshadow didn't bother unravelling, for the sake of his sanity. He remembers a bit from when he was younger, something like... lovestruck freak and poor, uncaring reciepient, but if the tides have changed at all by now, he didn't know. He didn't really care either. He was made to care when out of the blue, Betonyfrost is causing a scene, which is in character. It's in character for more than her— but that's not important.

She isn't the subject. She isn't the one who would inevitably be ridiculed, here. And so she should stand aside. Do her part as a set - in - stone member of the ShadowClan collective. If it wasn't obvious before, her name made it even more so. Linger. Stare. Judge. That's what she is meant to do, as a ShadowClanner. Betonyfrost does this pretty wonderfully, herself. With an extra bit of the inane for flavor.

Sharpshadow is poised like the snake he is. " She probably dreamt of you putting a bug in her nest last night, " he mutters.​

 

[MARBLEPAW]

Betonyfrost’s hiss causes Marblekit’s ears to collapse against her skull. She has a difficult time forgetting the harsh snarls the gray tabby had cast in her and Sycamorekit’s direction, even with Lilacfur’s explanation, that she’d done it because Siltcloud had hurt her. Had killed her daughter. The pale tawny she-kit suppresses a shiver now, as Betonyfrost slinks from the shadow like some demon and eyes Chilledstar boldly; her mouth is fixed into a smile that saps warmth from the air. “You,” she hisses, blinking sunlight from her eyes, “Do you look at me and see a fool? Is that what you’ve taken me for?”

Marblekit’s paws begin to shift nervously. Chilledstar responds initially with kindness, but the accusation clearly takes them aback. The ebony leader’s lip curls, and they demand to know what they’ve done to so-upset Betonyfrost. Marblekit pads next to Sharpshadow, listening to his murmurings about Chilledstar putting a bug in Betonyfrost’s nest. Her eyes round with curiosity. “Is that true? Did they really do that? I’d be upset if Sycamorekit or Branchkit did that to me.” She can’t really sympathize with Betonyfrost—but she could at least relate to being annoyed, she supposes.

『 out of character. 』 ✧･ﾟ:* 『 about. 』

• ooc: —
• 
• Marblekit, she/they w/ feminine and non-gendered terms.
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — 4 moons old, ages realistically on the 1st.
  — mentored by n/a ; mentoring n/a ; previously mentored n/a
  — shadowclan kit, formerly a rogue. siltcloud x lilacfur, gen 3.
  — currently mated to n/a.
  — penned by Marquette.
  
  
  sh fawn tabby with dull green eyes. courageous, curious, introspective, observant, judgmental, snarky.
  
  

​

 

[betonyfrost]

Other voices join Chilledstar’s confusion, distant to Betonyfrost’s ears. They don’t understand her anger—of course they don’t understand her anger—and it serves only to double it. Her vision is narrow and black at the edges; in the center of it is Chilledstar.

“I’m not a mousebrain as you’d like to believe,” She knows she leans forward only by the shift she feels in her shoulders. It feels nice to push into Chilledstar’s space, it makes Betonyfrost feel justified in this, “You’ll spend your time with any molly that flutters their eyes at you as long as it isn’t me, right? I’m just—just so loud and repugnant and whatever else you’d like to think I am!”

Closer still—Betonyfrost wishes Chilledstar would strike her, she wishes for a scar: just another mark from a clanmate to join the others on her face. “I was good before you! You can’t hate what you’ve made me!” Her voice cracks—strain, rather than emotion, “This is because of what you—” —you, you, you, you, always you, you— “—put me through!”
​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 31 moons | tags​

 

[THORNPAW]

Shouting was all it took for Thornpaw to rush through the camp's entrance, abandoning @FORESTSHADE and her catch just shy of the prey pile. Easily she spotted the spat unfolding, catching the latter half of Marblekit's distressed mewls. For a moment, the youth hesitated as Betonyfrost pushed into Chilledstar's space, her words falling like poison.

Thornpaw's ears flattened dramatically, and her bi-colored eyes wandered to the kit settled beside Sharpshadow. She couldn't decide whether to interject, distract Marblekit, or stand quieter than a mouse. Betonyfrost always seemed on edge and mouthy at best, but this felt too far.

Prioritizing those more vulnerable was always the right course of action. Well, at least she hoped so. Sliding up to Marblekit's side, the blonde apprentice put on her nicest airs, aiming to lightly bump their shoulder with a feathery tail. Attempting to block out the rising tensions just before them, she cut through it with a small smile.

"Hey, why don't we go play a game somewhere else, hm?" Her voice was rough and a bit rushed, but she hoped the smaller of the few would be tempted. It was an ill-timed distraction, but Thornpaw didn't like where this current scene might lead.

OOC; mentor ping for being outside camp hunting!​

 

[SHADEPAW]

Shadepaw was no stranger to rough-edged voices in camp, but Betonyfrost's venomous tone was something special. They had grown wary of her after she snapped at Lilacfur's kits. When Betonyfrost drew herself out of the darkness, starting up at Chilledstar, Shadepaw's ears flew back but their whiskers angled out. Their gaze flickered between the two, trying to understand the back-and-forth that was rich with a history Shadepaw hadn't been told. Some sort of... romantic drama, maybe? Not just over a silly dream, as Sharpshadow's dry comment suggested.

They looked to the Lead Warrior, hoping for some sort of clue to what was going on, but ended up getting distracted by Thornpaw trying to usher Marblekit away. Probably a good move- who knew if Betonyfrost's ire would swing to the little tabby again? "Oh, yeah, I can ask Ferndance if she has any cool trinkets to play with," Shadepaw added as she pattered over to the trio, hoping to make the idea of going off to play a game just a smidge more appealing. Still, her attention was caught up in the scene unfolding before her. What mollies had Chilledstar been entertaining the attention of, if any? What had Chilledstar apparently put Betonyfrost through? The argument seemed so personal, it raised the fur on the back of her neck. She certainly wouldn't be interfering- not her problem, not her business, even she wouldn't tell a leader and a warrior what to do. Curiosity trumped discomfort, though, and she whispered to Sharpshadow, "What's going on with them?"​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

she makes them uneasy. no one else had the power to do so as easy as she does but they remember her first confession. the way she pinned them to the ground and practically demanded for them to love her back. they can't. they won't. she does not love them. thin line between love an obsession seems to be blurred in her view but it's so clear and bold to chilledstar. no other explanation. she's selfish and rude and arrogant. everything revolves around her, and they cannot stand that about her. she's in a clan that would gladly die for her, live with her, be there beside her and yet she chooses herself. over and over again, she chooses her. why? why would she want to be so lonely? and how does she not see that she is, indeed, lonely because she can't sit and think for a second how her actions fuck with others?

"betonyfrost."

they refuse to let their unease blind everyone from reality. they are leader. they are leader first, and foremost, and they refuse to let betonyfrost get in their face to intimidate them. over what? this supposed she cat they spent time with? she's always so damned cryptic. they don't know who she's talking about. and honestly, it did not matter. betonyfrost does not control chilledstar.

"knock it off. you are causing a scene. furthermore, whoever I spend time with is none of your business. or anyone else's for that matter. I am the leader here. not you. I make the laws around here. not you. you and i have spent plenty of time together. you are the only one who cannot see that because you let your feelings blind you to reality. now back up out of my face. I do not wish to do something I will regret. especially not with the young watching."

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[betonyfrost]

There is an authority to Chilledstar's voice that wraps so tightly around Betonyfrost's name. It is a balm: cool water on a hot day. Betonyfrost doesn't shrink away from Chilledstar—the subtle shift backwards and the slight dip of her nose towards the ground are not a concession to anything. Her heart still beats with force enough that, had Betonyfrost been focused on such things, she would fear it may burst. Her mouth moves around her clenched teeth; the hinge of her jaw remains locked. It is not—will not be—a concession to anything.

The mention of young watching—Betonyfrost's face swings towards Marblekit without her volition, and then scrunches as if she had caught a sour scent. Young, that thing is called, as if there aren't a countless number of words that would be better suiting. It aches her already broken heart that Chilledstar would rather protect Marblekit's feelings than address her own; there wasn't an amount of lowly begging or shouting or even calmly speaking that would make Chilledstar listen to her, and yet Siltcloud's spawn was given courtesy.

Somehow, Betonyfrost thinks, she might like Chilledstar less for this.

"You've regretted every moment with me," How simple it would be if Chilledstar would stop being cruel—if they said what it is that Betonyfrost lacks, or the parts of her that are excess, so that Betonyfrost might at least know where to start with herself. Instead she is left guessing and wallowing in the persistent thought that it might just be something inherent to her. That her repugnancy is set into her bones, and that it has been since birth.

"Fine then," Betonyfrost spits and backs away a step, two. The distance feels inexcusable after standing so close, "Fine. I'll go sulk while you pray the mud finally swallows me and everyone else can go on with their happy little lives without me." The distance widens another step, two, and then Betonyfrost turns to make good on her word, wilted ears pressed flat to her neck.

//out >:}

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 31 moons | tags​

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[SHARPSHADOW]

Marblekit's cute enough that she shouldn't have to taint her eyes with the sight of Betonyfrost's ugly mug. Looking at the two of them— the spirit of a gossiping queen very nearly overtakes her. Of course Marblekit doesn't know yet that Betonyfrost completely makes up every single thing she's ever been mad about. Makes it up, or... or causes it her damn self. " No... I'm sure not even Dream - Chilledstar would stoop so low. " She's totally lying, but maybe it was the only way Marblekit would understand. In the end, it's probably for the better that Thornpaw tries to shepherd her away, especially as Betonyfrost... does her thing.

He thinks— he thinks Betonyfrost is a perfect collection of each of ShadowClan's problems, wrapped up in flowers and all. She argues against no one. Fights against nothing. And it's all about her; all about how much they hated her. Maybe they did hate her, but it was all her own doing. She's been this way since... since...

She's startled out of her glowering by Shadepaw's approach. And maybe— should she be embarassed? Embarassed that she's more like a clanmate to gossip to, to this apprentice, rather than a Lead Warrior? What would a Lead Warrior even of in this situation? Tell them to break it up? LIke helll he's doing that. And - and Chilledstar doesn't need defending, or anything. They'd probably send her to get the rest of her ears gnawed on by a bear. She doesn't care, she decides. She doesn't care.

" With them? More like with her, " he whispers back. And this isn't fitting the be nicer bill Chilledstar laid out for them all those moons ago, but Betonyfrost broke it first, didn't she? " It's all one - sided. It always is. She's been doing this for forever. " She's barely involved, but she's bristling as if she is. That's normal, though. Normal of her. The way that she stares at her own paws is normal too.

You've regretted every moment with me. She dares to sound hurt, as if her words didn't come true only because she did stupid things like this. She can't stand her, can't stand her. He wants to tell Chilledstar he can't stand her, but that's not a very Lead Warrior thing to do, or whatever.

" W-what happened to her? " when it's all over, he dares to say. And he stares at his own paws.​

 

[MARBLEPAW]

Betonyfrost’s venom spews and foams around her lips. Marblekit’s fur prickles at the back of her neck as the she-cat postulates, simpers, and accuses, as her voice strains and then breaks into fragments. There’s something almost eerie about the display, though the she-kit cannot put her feelings into a coherent line of thought. Two of the apprentices—pale-pelted Thornpaw and tabby-furred Shadepaw—approach her, the former offering to play a game with her and the latter suggesting they seek Ferndance to see if she has any trinkets to play with.

She nods, grateful to get away from the scene erupting before her tiny eyes. “Okay! I’ll bet Ferndance has something cool to play with,” she tells them, shuffling her paws in the dust. She casts Sharpshadow, and then Chilledstar, a lingering glance before she follows the apprentices away. It seems she has decent timing—Betonyfrost’s last outburst leads to her stalking away from the scene she herself had created out of thin air.

『 out of character. 』 ✧･ﾟ:* 『 about. 』

• ooc: —
• 
• Marblekit, she/they w/ feminine and non-gendered terms.
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — 4 moons old, ages realistically on the 1st.
  — mentored by n/a ; mentoring n/a ; previously mentored n/a
  — shadowclan kit, formerly a rogue. siltcloud x lilacfur, gen 3.
  — currently mated to n/a.
  — penned by Marquette.
  
  
  sh fawn tabby with dull green eyes. courageous, curious, introspective, observant, judgmental, snarky.
  
  

​

 

[FORESTSHADE]

She'd been in the middle of telling a super funny joke to Thornpaw and @FLINTPAW when the shouts reached them. The lead warrior freezes at the sounds, alarm pricking her ears and before she can say anything, Thornpaw is off into camp. "What is it now?" She mutters over her shoulder to @STRYKER . Stars, she looks like a damn kitsitter with all of these 'apprentices' surrounding her. She supposes it should be a compliment that Chilledstar trusts her with training so many cats, and truthfully, it has been nice to have the constant job and company!

She slips into camp, but all of the voices muddle her thoughts. She can smell Sharpshadow nearby and gravitates to his side, confusion warping her features. "What's going on?" She mews curiously, hearing the last remnants of Chilledstar's anger and Betonyfrost's retreating spits. Some blow-up between the two, and she missed it? Fox-dung! I always miss the good stuff!​

 

[BLACKSTRIKE]

➼➼ Returning from a hunt is the perfect time to settle down and rest, finally. Stryker trails behind Forestshade with renewed vigor despite his aching paws, tail held high and eager—his stupidly uncomfortable moss nest is practically shrieking his name from across the camp, and it’s all he can do to keep from gazing longingly at it from here. Only a few more moments, and he can crash into it for a quick nap…

The sound of shouting breaks through the beckoning of his desired naptime, and mismatched eyes narrow as he turns to look at what the commotion is. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but when he glances over, there’s two cats who seem to be facing off against one another. An argument is definitely taking place, and when one of them raises their voice he can hear their indignance quite clearly. Forestshade turns to ask what’s going on, and he casts his mentor a quickly glance. "I dunno," he replies quickly, a shrug punctuating his words. And truthfully, he can’t really tell what’s going on. Animosity between individual ShadowClanners continues to surprise him, even after he’s lived within their ranks for nearly two months now. He isn’t sure why it still surprises him. Maybe he’d just sort of expected them to be more… united? "The gray one, with the, uh, the ears? She’s mighty pissed at Chilledstar." Her name evades him, but he thinks of the conversation—more like interrogation—that they’d shared, and shudders a bit. She’s intimidating, for sure.

"Somethin’ about… spending time with mollies who aren’t her?" His voice has dropped to a murmur, unwilling to bring any negative attention his way. But still, his curiosity gets the better of him. "They mates or something?" He really needs to catch up on the goings-on around the clan if that’s the case, because he didn’t even know Chilledstar had a mate. Much less that they were mated to whatsername, and were apparently… unfaithful? He’s got the story twisted somewhere, he thinks.

➴ i think i found a home

• ooc: —
• 
  STRYKER ❯❯ he/him, former carrionplace loner
  ➼ thin black and white tom with mismatched blue and yellow eyes. calm and nonchalant, difficult to anger.
  ➼ currently on a probationary period; shadowing forestshade.
  ➼ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted
  ➼ penned by foxlore

​

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[CHILLEDSTAR.]

chilledstar only rolls their eyes when betonyfrost speaks. they cannot to pretend that they stand her any longer. she tests and tests. pushes and pushes. she is the cause of her own problems. her own strife. she's been through a heartbreaking thing but so many of the things that happen are because she doesn't know when to stop.

"i regret nothing. don't ever presume i do."

she storms off, having a temper tantrum and chilledstar cannot truly say that they care. their tail lashes back and forth and they grunt, listening to the words of the bystanders. they mostly don't respond, but they do visibly recoil at the thought that they might be mated to her. as if. they're not that crazy, nor have they ever been. she is a woman with an obsession, and chilledstar just happens to be the cat that is at the forefront. why? they still don't know.

"absolutely not. she is not nor will she ever be my mate. if she tells you that, she's a fucking liar."

they're so angry at the thought that it takes them physically grounding themself to calm down enough.

"my mate is dead. and somehow she thinks that gives her some chance with me. I do not nor will i ever want her like that. do not speak on things you know nothing of."

they spin around, facing away from the crowd.

"maybe go do something useful instead of watching someone's meltdown in camp."

// out !

———————---***i try to live in black and white***———————---​

but i'm so blue✧ i'd like to mean it when i say i'm over you

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

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