private THE WAY I REALLY AM [mizzlepaw]

[berrypaw]

༻✦༺ It's all too clear that she's… forgetting things. Her earliest days of kithood used to be so clear, so vivid—now they are only clear in terms of feelings. Berrypaw can remember the warmth of something like fur pressed against her own, and the gentle smell of home. She can remember the vague thought of a mother, a scruffy black-and-white shape. She remembers a warm, fuzzy brown cat and cries of gr-ass, and she remembers the unease of spending her first nights in the wilderness. But in between the remembered scents and sights and sounds, there's something that's been lost.

One thing that has stuck with her, though, is her. The idea of who she is, who she should be, stays constant. Until… it doesn't. One day, Berrypaw is a girl. A molly. A she-cat. And then, the next day, something changes. Shifts. The idea of being anything besides a girl had never occurred to her before, but suddenly it's appealing. If she were a tom, or even something in between, would she be stronger? More intimidating? Would she feel more normal?

Berrypaw doesn't know how to approach the subject with her mentor; she wouldn't want to, anyway. The only cat she wants to talk to about it is Mizzlepaw. So when she gets the chance, when it's only her and her brother, she takes it. "Mizzle, can I… talk to you?" Her voice is soft, hesitant. She knows exactly what she wants to tell her littermate, but what if he thinks it's… strange? Berrypaw doesn't think it's strange—Rumblerain also isn't a tom or a molly, but they still seem to have some kind of solid identity. What if her shifting, changing feelings are too weird for even Rumblerain to accept? That's why she's asking Mizzlepaw first, she guesses. "It's important," she tacks on, with a flicker of her dark tail.

kore kore 𓆩✧𓆪 fauna and flora

• ooc: @Mizzlepaw
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• BERRYPAW ☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ she/her, apprentice of duskclan
  ☆ small white apprentice with a black dorsal stripe, black paws, and blue point markings fading up her forelegs. eyes are mismatched blue and green.
  ☆ daughter to edenberry and rumblerain ; sister to mizzlekit
  ☆ mentored by rumblerain
  ☆ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted
  ☆ penned by foxlore

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[Mizzlepaw]

The only thing on Mizzlepaw's mind is that his paws ached, long gone were the days recounting memories spent with Berrypaw and their little family far beyond the reach of this summit. The only thing that is a vivid memory is the fact that Berrypaw's name isn't really Berrypaw, the actual word starting to be scrubbed from his memory. It's hard to keep a memory alive when no one else knows it, Ari still stands strong, he knows that isn't her proper name but it's the one thing that has stubbornly persisted above all else. That isn't the only thing on his mind of course, he thinks about how he can keep the clan strong. How to please Privetfrost (which seemed like a sisyphean task all on it's own). Berrypaw and Raindrop came to mind, how to please them (it was easier to think of what may make Raindrop happy versus Rumblerain). Least of all is thoughts about himself, who he is what he is to become. If he is really living as himself or rather a hardening shell, an empty husk.

All he knows is that he doesn't fit quite right, there is a detachment from the sole pronouns that he clung to as a kit. Those thoughts are quiter, spent on days where he isn't worrying about DuskClan or the state of his paws. Today is one of those days, it's not at the forefront of his mind but it echoes quietly. That must just be because this is one of those fleeting moments where he can spend time with just his sister, no adults watching over them at least not to his knowledge. It lessons his worries a little, makes it much easier to show off that youthful boyhood that once shone through his actions with ease. "We're talking now aren't we?" He grins and laughs, boisterous as always.

It's clear that's not what she meant, clearing his throat he is quick to tack on "of course, Ari! I'll always listen" he never wanted to make her feel like she wasn't listened to. That seemed to happen enough back when they were smaller, surrounded by unfamiliar people who disregarded a phantom of a name. "Soooo what's up? You know you can tell me anything!" He hoped she knew that, surely she did.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ✦ ‎Army dreamers ☾ Mammys hero ✦ ‎

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• MIZZLEPAW ✦ he/him, DuskClan apprentice.
  ✧ A small scrap of white and black fur with tireless energy.
  ✧ Son of Edenberry and Rumblerain || Brother to Berrypaw
  ✧ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted || underline and tag when attacking
  ✧ speech is #dbcbed
  ✧ penned by Juice || ouijeejuice on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

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[berrypaw]

༻✦༺ Her littermate's presence never fails to soothe her, a balm against even the most frayed of her nerves. He's bright and joyous, even when it's cold and harsh and the world is worse than ever for them. "Yes," she breathes, her voice tinged with a puff of breathless laughter. Indeed, they're talking now, but not about the thing she feels like she needs to talk to Mizzlepaw about. "Ummm, do you promise not to be mad?" She doesn't think he'll be mad, because it isn't something Berrypaw would be mad about if he told her the same thing. But she's found herself poor at making predictions for others' behavior, so she would hate to be caught off guard by his disappointment.

Shaking out her fur, she steels herself to say what she needs to. "Okay, okay. Um, have you ever felt… weird? About yourself? Like… you aren't what you say you are?" Her bicolored eyes widen slightly, alarm overtaking her expression. She isn't making any sense, she knows. But she presses on anyway, shouldering her way through the explanation that feels like it's being dragged out of her. "I don't really feel like I'm a girl. But I don't know what I feel like. It's kind of like… I'm everything? At the same time, and at different times. Does that… make sense?" Does that make sense, she asks, instead of Is there something wrong with me. In truth, she hasn't given it much thought outside of acknowledging the wrongness of being a girl, and the simple joy she'd found in experimenting with what she calls herself. He, like Mizzlepaw. They, like Rumblerain. Oh… she remembers her parent, and how she hasn't told anyone but Mizzlepaw about the wrongness.

"Please don't tell Raindrop. Okay?" It's spoken as a plea, whispered quietly between them. She doesn't think—couldn't imagine it—that Mizzlepaw would deliberately do something like that, but he might accidentally let it slip at some point.

kore kore 𓆩✧𓆪 fauna and flora

• ooc: —
• 
• BERRYPAW ☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ she/he/they, apprentice of duskclan
  ☆ small white cat with a black dorsal stripe, black paws, and blue point markings fading up her forelegs. eyes are mismatched blue and green.
  ☆ child of edenberry and rumblerain ; sibling of mizzlekit
  ☆ mentored by rumblerain
  ☆ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted
  ☆ penned by foxlore

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[Mizzlepaw]

There's an unease that comes from her question, the answer is intrinsic and breathed with ease. "Of course! You'd never make me mad" he teasingly bumps his shoulder against hers. Ignoring the slicing winds between them, so harsh that it dries his eyes until rapid blinking attempts to repair it. Paws crunch in the snow as a shiver crawls up his spine, he makes a show of it, chattering fangs and all. When Berrypaw shakes out her fur he finds himself compelled to listen, this was something serious after all. He knew when to reel it in, face falling into a neutral expression the young tom nods. Showing his littermate that she has his undivided attention.

The question is alarming, only in the sense that it seemed she was able to see through him for a moment. A glimpse into his inner self, hesitantly he nods. Eyes brimming in sympathy in reaction to how alarmed Berrypaw appeared while she spoke. There's a moment where he tries to intake what she said, letting the words wash over him. It's confusing but it makes all the sense in the world simultaneously. "I think it makes sense… You're not happy just being a she-cat?" He tries, hoping that he's understanding what she's saying. That's what it sounded like to him, unsatisfaction rooted deep within the core of herself.

It's something that he understands, emerald green eyes try to seek out if he's saying the right thing. The last thing he wants is to upset her after all. "I won't, if you don't want them to know then I won't say anything!" He thinks he can do it, he struggles with lying sometimes but he's been steadily improving. There seems to be a reprieve in the storm, as if the weather itself momentarily approves of Berrypaw's decision. It spurs his own motivations, that quiet voice at the back of his head growing a little louder in this quiet moment. "I… Don't wanna be just a tom" he decides on saying, uncertainty lacing his words and an uncharacteristic fear gleams in his eyes.

It feels weird, to be so upset around his littermate. Not aimed at her by any means but he's not used to being so honest and raw. It's a little too vulnerable for him, he doesn't like that he's unsure what he's doing. "I think… that going by they might also be nice" he admits softly, they like Raindrop and they like a parent who is a mix of whites and blacks. It's scary to put himself out there like this but Berrypaw had taken a risk with telling him so it felt right to share his own mixed feelings on self-expression.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ✦ ‎Army dreamers ☾ Mammys hero ✦ ‎

• 
  
  

• 

• MIZZLEPAW ✦ he/him, DuskClan apprentice.
  ✧ A small scrap of white and black fur with tireless energy.
  ✧ Son of Edenberry and Rumblerain || Brother to Berrypaw
  ✧ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted || underline and tag when attacking
  ✧ speech is #dbcbed
  ✧ penned by Juice || ouijeejuice on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

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