- Feb 14, 2023
- 444
- 94
- 28
MY WORLDS ON FIRE, HOW 'BOUT YOURS?
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT AND I NEVER GET BORED."
The loss of Silversmoke had a dark cloud that refused to leave the bobtail alone. If love was meant to set your heart ablaze, he was most certainly suffocating in the smoke of it now as love gave way to smoldering anger and grief. The regret of things left unsaid and undone.
Why wasn’t there a body?
It was a question that played on repeat in his head, echoing louder and more persistently than the rest. He knew that sometimes cats were just never found, but he’d learned well enough from cats like Thistleback and Honeyflame that gone didn’t always mean forever. And the possibility of Silver being out there somewhere, too hurt to come back, or locked away like the shelter cats had been…
If Johnny died and somehow made it to Starclan at the end, only to learn that Silversmoke had died waiting for his clan to come for him- he would never forgive himself, would turn around and plummet from the stars to serve his afterlife in gravesoil with the worms and the rats where he belonged.
”Orangestar, can we talk?” he asked, lingering in the entryway to her den. Slate was out- he’d made sure to time this right, though in hindsight he supposed it didn’t matter if the tom found out. They’d all know soon enough.
Five days. And not a single clue beyond what was found on the border during the initial search. Five fucking days and they still hadn’t found a body. Any other cat short of his apprentice and Johnnyflame would have dealt. Losing a clanmate was always a bitter pill to swallow, but this? It went beyond the typical camaraderie of belonging to the same clan. It was personal, and painful, and he hardly knew what to do with it. Regret and anger boiled over in him on the daily, fighting for control of his thoughts.
But nothing outdid the restlessness.
He’d never been eager to leave Skyclan at the end of each day, but now? His paws couldn’t carry him away fast enough. They hated dragging him in each morning, stubbornly stalking twolegplace long past his usual arrival time in camp. They carried him back well before dusk as well, itching to be back on concrete where he could search for answers.
He’d hoped that if he gave it time, the urge would lessen and he’d come to accept it as he had so many others.
But five days had passed, and they still hadn’t found a body. And that was apparently all Johnnyflame needed to keep stubbornly dragging out the inevitable.
”I’m sure you’ve noticed I haven’t been in camp as much lately.” he began, voice rougher than usual from his morning and nightly interrogations in twolegplace. ”I’ve been.. Busy.”
His jaw tensed as he thought about how poorly his search had been going, of how it left him virtually exhausted from sacrificing his sleep only to have nothing to show for it. But he couldn’t stop. If anything, it wasn’t enough. He needed more time, more freedom to extend his search radius. He needed to be honest with himself and his leader.
”I’m not gonna be around as much for a while. Might be a few days, might be a lot longer.” he paused to shrug, because in reality it didn’t matter. He’d go until he got his answers or until his heart was just too worn out to keep looking. Either way, he was prepared to take the time. ”I'll still be here enough to keep up with Sangrias training, and I'll still hunt for the clan, but- but my days are gonna be cut short going forward."
He drew in a steadying breath, but there was no part of him that felt true fear or regret- not when it came to this.
"So with that in mind, I’d like to step down, please.”
It was a wound on top of a wound, because anyone who knew him also know just how much it meant to him to be both a lead and a daylight warrior. He loved being able to show that it was possible for cats like him to achieve, and giving it up was like yanking out a pivotal part of himself and burying it alive, kicking and screaming to stay.
But Silversmoke was important.
”I can keep it up til the next meeting if you need me to, but.. t’s not fair for me to hold a rank like that if my hearts not in it, and-” he wasn’t going to cry, he’d told himself he wouldn’t and he was determined to stand by it. ”- and I just can't do it right now. I'm sorry.” he forced out, eyes unable to meet those of his leader.
It was the not knowing that was truly the worst part of it, and Johnny wasn’t sure how long he could be made to wait.
@Orangestar
