private timed grenade // moonshadow

[hyacinthbreath]

When she'd awoken in the herb-smelling nest that Dandelionpaw her had laid into, she had no memory of what had transpired that day when Periwinklekit got sick. Perhaps it was better that way, she wouldn't have done anything of that sort in her right mind. Her body is heavy with sleep, and despite Dandelionpaw's complaints for her to remain laying down, Hyacinthbreath didn't think she'd be able to any longer. Rumors were spreading, and Hyacinth was nervous about them- she'd said something she wasn't supposed to.

She hovers first, around the nursery, wondering if she should call for the shade-furred molly herself or just sick her head right in. It was rude to do that, though- wouldn't she just smack Hyacinth in the face for intruding? For such a fierce lead warrior, Moonshadow brought Hyacinth to her knees quite easily. There was no argument, no doubt about that. Moonshadow was in charge when it came to the kits, and Hyacinth had broken their promise.

"Lun- Moonshadow, can we talk? Alone?" She finally speaks up, voice wavering yet soft- nervousness evident in her eyes.​

 

[Moonshadow]

ALL THE KING'S HORSES​

---

Dark sapphire jewels would spark to life amidst the inky black of the nursery. Lifting her head, the former heiress would rise noiselessly from her nest, being careful to not disturb her sleeping loves. She would slip out into the open, her expression stoic and unreadable as blue met violet and she would slowly blink at the lead warrior in expectation.

"Is there something I can do for you, Hyacinthbreath?" There was no warmth in her tone, as most of her affection for the silver lynx had seared away from her heart the moment she had been asked to keep their children a secret from the clan. She had been used once, and to allow it to happen to her a second time only made the Black smoke feel humiliated. ​

 

[hyacinthbreath]

Hyacinthbreath flinches at the lackluster, stoic tone that Moonshadow uses- that tone was reserved for those she held no regard for, no love. Once, they had been friends- close friends who depended on each other when they needed it. She chews at the inside of her cheek nervously, her heart aching with familiarity. Despite her exhaustion, Moonshadow looked just as beautiful as she always had. Her fierceness was what drew her close, made her want to grow closer to the molly. Her own weakness for company was what put Moonshadow in this position. She's lost in thought for a moment, gaze softening- around Moonshadow, she wasn't Lead Warrior Hyacinthbreath. She had always just been Hyacinth, a cat aching to be seen by those around her.

And she had thrown that all away for her own pride.

Coward. Hypocrite. Liar. The voices sang in the back of her mind, and Hyacinth couldn't help but to agree. That's all she was now.

"I'm sorry. I'm.. I'm so sorry, Moonshadow.." She speaks softly, as to not wake the kits sleeping not far from them. Her paws clench at nothing, a few kneads to the grassy ground to comfort herself. She was alone in WindClan, and she had done this to herself. Pushed everyone away, pushed Moonshadow away- her kits, she denied them. She was nothing to them of her own accord, and the reality of that hit hard. "When you told me you were pregnant with my kits, I.. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't expecting to become a sire. So I.. Do what I do best. I ran from that truth." A mewl, pitiful and regretful- though, she knows how headstrong Moonshadow is. This wasn't enough. Even if she were to forgive her now, it would take moons before she let Hyacinth back in. She knew that.

"I never meant to hurt you. I'm.. I'm scared, Moonshadow. I'm scared of what could happen if the kits knew I was their sire. Who could take advantage of that. People are vengeful in this world." A paw brushes over the ground, her eyes meeting blues once more. She grows lost in them, her legs weak at the look in them; like unforgiving waves crashing an embankment, destroying everything in its fury. She was so small in this moment, a wilting flower on the precipice of that embankment, waiting to be swept up just like the rest. "I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I wasn't at the birthing, I wasn't.. Fuck, Moonshadow, I've fucked everything up.." A soft whimper leaves her, and Hyacinth tries to take a step forward, to get close to Moonshadow. "I'm so sorry, Moonlight. I am.. I'm so, so sorry for abandoning you like that. For abandoning our kits." ​

 

[Moonshadow]

ALL THE KING'S HORSES​

---

Moonshadow listens, the reserve she had learned to master as a child held tightly to her psyche as she fought to keep her expression unreadable. Hyacinthbreath apologizes and gives her excuses for why she did what she did, for why she asked Moonshadow to keep their affection for each other secret.

It's the nickname that causes a chip to her armor, eyes widening ever so slightly as her memories trusted her back to that night, to that moment that had caused all of this. Her eyes would close, and she would take a deep breath to settle herself once more as the beautiful silver lynx before her whimpers and steps closer.

She could not break.

She would not break.

Not again.

"Intentional or not, I was hurt by your choices, Hyacinthbreath." The black smoke finally speaks, her tone a touch more gentle but still stoic. She does not step back or move away, instead she opens her eyes once more; sitting tall and proud and looking as strong as she once did when her parent's kingdom was destined to be hers and her reign was ensured by her birth. "I hear your words, and I accept your apology as a courtesy of our past friendship. If you choose to right your wrongs and attempt to be a part of your kit's lives, then I may even begin to forgive you. But know this," She would rise to her paws then, looking at the lead warrior with an intense look of both caution and warning, "I do not speak for the kits. They had a right to have both parents as they grew. You stole that from them. Whether they choose to forgive you for that is entirely their choice, and I will support whatever they decide when the time comes."

Moonshadow would look Hyacinthbreath over in silence, allowing her words to sink in for a few heartbeats before meowing softly, "Was there anything else you required of me, Lead Warrior?" It was clear enough that the former soldier had reverted back to her former training, addressing the silver lynx by her rank instead of her name was both a polite sign of respect and a hint that the molly was still being held at a tails' length.

The black smoke silently wondered if they could ever go back to the way they had been. ​

 

[hyacinthbreath]

She can see the way she straightens, building her own little walls between the two of them. No matter how close Hyacinthbreath walked to Moonshadow, she would not budge- she was impenetrable, and Hyacinth finds pride in her resolution for a moment. Nevermind the rejection, the denial- she was standing up for herself, and Hyacinth couldn't be more proud of her. She stops then, seating herself- keeping that space between the two of them. If that was what she wanted, Hyacinth would give it to her.

Moonshadow speaks her feelings, tells her of the hurt that she caused- Hyacinth remains silent. She can't help but be flooded with guilt, but she accepted it. This distance was for her to brave alone, and she was fine with that. She would suffer, but she would remain and work towards what she dreams of. A place to belong, a family to take care of. She would do everything she could. If you choose to right your wrongs and attempt to be a part of your kit's lives, then I may even begin to forgive you. Hyacinth's ears perk up, and she lets a sigh leave her lips- but too soon, she's holding her breath again. I do not speak for the kits. They had a right to have both parents as they grew. You stole that from them. Whether they choose to forgive you for that is entirely their choice, and I will support whatever they decide when the time comes. The weight of her words hits her like a brick, and Hyacinth feels her legs weaken further- threatening to fall out from under her. She nods numbly, watching as the queen stands up and gathers herself. "I'll do my best. I can't fix.. Everything, I know that. But I will do my best. They will know the truth soon, when Periwinklekit is well again. It will be up to them to decide what they will do after." She meows in finality, giving into the mercy of the ex-princess; she should have ruled that kingdom, sat upon that throne. But would they have met, then? Would their kits exist, if she lived so far away? If she never came to WindClan?

Was there anything else you required of me, Lead Warrior? Hyacinth shakes her head, giving in to the distance for now. Lifting her head, she shakily rises to her paws before she turns to leave. The two women have never been one for many words, after all. "I want to be better. Someone you can proudly stand beside, one day. But that is not who I am right now, I have not earned that. Until the moon never rises again, I promise you, Moonlight." She meows softly, before she turns to walk back to the nest she slept in alone, away from the others. Solitude, her greatest enemy. She spares one last glance at Moonshadow for the night, before she finally disappears into the shadowy grass.​