private to be what you might have been ; blazingpaw

[DOEBLAZE]

"Blazingpaw." Bobbie's voice is dull, made low and raspy by choked - back tears. Her apprentice's fiery tabby pelt nearly glows in the darkness of the medicine den. It reminds her of a different pelt glimmering solar against the moss nests and hollowed walls, a different name on her tongue, and she snaps her mouth shut so fast that she bites her cheek, tastes blood. Her eye is a sunken hollow carved into her head, the other swathed in cobweb and the meager herbs Dawnglare has been able to spare. "You're out of here soon, aren't you?"

A couple cats have commented, when they thought she couldn't hear them, on her remarkable functionality. Bobbie would explain it to them if they would let her. If she doesn't think about it, it doesn't hurt so much. It's been hurting less and less, actually, and she thinks soon it will dwindle away. So long as she doesn't think about it. Never mind the cold, dark world the absence of the red and the blue has left her in. It reminds her of the caves on the journey, the gnawing hunger—her appetite has not been good—and the way that world turns into nothing ahead but pitch - black.

Nothing ahead at all. There will be no brisk mountain air and blinding snow to emerge into this time. A dull green eye skates over Blazingpaw's nearly - healed wounds and she remembers guilt. "I suppose someone else will have to train you for quite a while." The kits. The only reason she bothers to eat the prey everyone keeps bringing her, to stay here in this medicine den instead of just walking out into the snow and never returning. "I'm sorry about that."

// @BLAZINGPAW !!

"speech"

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[BLAZINGHEART]

YOU TELL ME THAT YOU NEED ME — The voice of Bobbie reaches his ears when she calls his name and his back's turned to her, the bright pelted apprentice makes no move to face her unable to look at her marred appearance and a part of him wishes to ignore her not answer to pretend that he's asleep. The sound of his own name making his throat tighten remembering who he had been named after and his little heart aches knowing that his grandpa would never see him become a warrior who had only seen him battered after the rogue attack, tiny needle-like claws dug into his nest feeling fear and anger washing all over him. "I am," Blazingpaw decides to answer in a quiet voice almost a whisper when the words slip out from his throat, his frown growing larger when the lead warrior mentions how someone else would have to train him for a while and she apologizes to him.

Several words pressed at the tip of his tongue... Some were bitter and angry and hurt yet when he speaks once more its defeat "'S fine... What's the point..." His once loud, bright voice threatening to become softer and duller, "He won't be there." Blazestar would never be able to lure him away from trouble with stories again, he'd never get to press his smaller frame into the fluffier one of his grandfather, and he had no grandparents left. Blazestar nor Little Wolf would not ever see him become a warrior, announced at the gathering, and he found himself missing a bit of both even if he knew one more than the other. He would be able to leave the medicine den tomorrow but he feels all the excitement and promise of being a warrior of Skyclan starting to crumble away at his paws, the fresh memory of the rogues attacking his sisters present at the forefront of his mind.

Maybe if he was kinder... Dawnglare would allow him to stay longer but then again he thinks of Bobbie and finds that he doesn't want to be near her either. Perhaps a new mentor would do him a lot better even if it was temporary, "Hopefully... My new mentor will be able to teach me a lot..." A lot more than you. He says quietly letting out a small breath looking at the walls of the medicine cat den and pressed his feathered ears against his head, the tattered one feeling odd against his helm but he ignores it knowing that the scars on his face and the back of his head was worse off "I hope... You... recover well." He decides to say finally.

YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME 𓆩✧𓆪 AND I KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT

• 

• 
  ✧ longhaired red tabby tom with green eyes
  ✧ 5 moons old; ages the 28th every month
  ✧ sexuality unknown; too young
  ✧ son of coyotecrest and howlfire
  ✧ brother to wolfpaw and hawkpaw
  ✧ currently being mentored by bobbie
  ✧ easy to befriend ; oftentimes quick to anger
  ✧ "speech", thoughts, attacking
  ✧ peaceful powerplay allowed

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[DOEBLAZE]

I am.

His reply is brief and clipped, a near - whisper accompanied by a frown visible on his little face. It appears that in Blazestar's absence, nobody likes her. Slate had told her to stop making her mate's death and her own maiming all about her, Orangeblossom hadn't bothered to conceal her suspicion, even her own kits crept around her as though she were some great monster. Perhaps she was. She paints the back of her closed eyelids with Harrierstripe spilling his life out of his belly.

" He'll— " Her throat hurts and her jaws snap shut with a hard click of teeth before she tries again. " He'll be watching from StarClan, " she offers helplessly, her own voice as emptied out as her apprentice's. Which she barely deserves to call him, given that she'd hardly taught him anything except how to get hurt. Tears creep up on her, threatening to spill out of one jaded eye, and she tastes blood as her ragged cheek is bitten once more.

" I hope so, too, " she whispers, voice cracking and threatening to spill. His new mentor, not his temporary one. Could he make it any clearer to her? She didn't need it made clear that she had nothing left in this StarClan - forsaken world. She already knows. " Thank you, Blazingpaw. "

" speech "

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[BLAZINGHEART]

YOU TELL ME THAT YOU NEED ME — When Bobbie speaks once more telling him that Blazestar would be watching from Starclan, he feels his snout scrunch up and his lips pull back in a silent snarl. He didn't want his grandfather to be in Starclan, he wanted him here with him and the rest of his family... With his children and hell, even Bobbie. "I want him here." A soft hiss comes forth from his jaws with his feathered ears pressed flat against her helm and he lets out a sharp breath, he shuts his eyes tight not daring to say anything else in that moment not wishing to tear verbally or lash out at anyone not even his mentor that sought him out now. "He should be here..." Blazingpaw utters quietly in a voice that ached with the hurt that he felt now, his chest tightens knowing that he hadnt even been able to attend Blazestar's vigil and share tongues with him due to his injuries. Small claws slip from sheaths as they tear into his nest, he sniffles quietly feeling hot, angry tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. The tabbied tom breathes sharply closing his eyes as tears rolled down his face and he curls up in himself.

"It's not fair." He says sounding slightly like a kitten complaining about being sent to bed early or being scolded for whatever reason, his ears twitch when Bobbie whispers that she hopes so too that his temporary mentor would teach him especially when he hadn't learned anything or been taught though he realizes that he had been harsh with some of his words to her. He bites down on his tongue pushing his head underneath his big paws, closing his eyes once more, and another breath slips through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry, Bobbie..." A mere whisper of his own before he curls into a tight ball and pushes his face into his feathery tail, there was no other words that he can offer her. The way he falls silent is enough to give the clear message that this talk was over and it was due to him deciding that.

YOU TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME 𓆩✧𓆪 AND I KNOW THAT IM RIGHT

• 

• 
  ✧ longhaired red tabby tom with green eyes
  ✧ 5 moons old; ages the 28th every month
  ✧ sexuality unknown; too young
  ✧ son of coyotecrest and howlfire
  ✧ brother to wolfpaw and hawkpaw
  ✧ currently being mentored by bobbie
  ✧ easy to befriend ; oftentimes quick to anger
  ✧ "speech", thoughts, attacking
  ✧ peaceful powerplay allowed

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