- May 29, 2023
- 232
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It has been two moons now since Robinheart lost her mate; two moons of aching loneliness that scars her heart and mists her eyes if she thinks too much about unruly blue pelt and grassy green eyes. They say time heals all wounds but the tortoiseshell queen struggles to believe such an adage. Would she even wish for this wound to heal?
It's so unlike the searing pain of a broken bone, the sting of split and bleeding skin, the agony of bringing new life into the world.
The wound of a lost love burns just like the discovery of love itself.
It is the transformation of butterflies in her belly to moths drawn to the flame of grief. She feels and she feels and she feels. Anger, sorrow, longing, loneliness… joy. Joy is newly blossoming within Robinheart's mind - it is the glimpses of Brookstorm she sees in their children day after day. Yes such sights are enrobed in bittersweet tang, but at the core is a sense of joy.
Moonhigh and all of camp is asleep, save for the odd soul or two standing guard. Uneven strides carry the queen from the medicine den, her ears briefly folded against her head at the glimpse of Beefang and Moonbeam slumbering within the same nest. Young love does not bother her, truly, but it's not easy to gaze upon yet. Silently she finds herself at the water's edge, cricket song and the dance of fireflies bringing back so many memories. Citrine eyes gaze down into the glassy depths and she can almost imagine the reflection staring back at her is not her own but Brookstorm's.
"Hello my love," she whispers to the reflection, knowing well it is her own but choosing to pretend that it belongs to her starbound lover. "I miss you. Two moons without you has felt like an eternity… but also entirely too fast," the tortoiseshell continues as she eases herself onto her belly with a soft groan. Her muscles protest against too much movement, having spent a moon mostly stationary so that broken bone could mend. "Our kits are growing up quickly. I-I catch glimpses of them every now and then. They play with the other kits and eat prey now and talk and… a-and… they look so much like you." In a world where Brookstorm abandoned them and had not devoted herself to Robinheart once more this could have been devastating constant reminders of abandonment. Fortunately their path had diverted away from complete separation and they grew back together in trepid anticipation of their growing family. Seeing pieces of Brookstorm in Rivuletkit, Redkit, and Algaekit did not spark regret, rather a bittersweet fondness for their missing parent. A sadness cloaked in excitement for the day they learn who their mother was and how much she meant to Robinheart (and how much she cannot wait to see Brookstorm again one day).
"I've been in the medicine den for a moon now. There was a dog… it got into camp and was going after Rivuletkit," the memory still makes her heart hammer in her throat, her adrenaline race at the growing danger, "I knocked her away and took the full force of its attack… m-my leg… Moonbeam assured me I will still be able to use it, but it won't be as it once was." She tries not to think about the offset angle, the way she limps to get around, the constant dull ache. "The price I paid for being selfish and not handing our daughter over to you yet, I guess," she murmurs with a warble, a gentle smile gracing her maw as she swipes away the moisture gathered at the corners of her eyes.
The stars reflected in the river shimmer brighter, the moon a luminous halo above her head. "I have had far too much time to myself this past moon - time to think about my future. When I return to the nursery I will only have a couple moons remaining as a queen… I thought about going down the path Apricotflower chose, becoming a permaqueen once our children are apprenticed," her breath hitches in her throat, "but I asked Moonbeam to help dry up my milk supply so to gain it back I would have to fall pregnant again… and I-I don't want that. I don't want anyone but you," but that is impossible now, goes unsaid as Robinheart stares at the water, at the twinkling stars above brought down to her level for as long as she could stay by the river's edge. "My best bet is to return to the life of a warrior, but I know it'll be an uphill battle to relearn how to hunt and fight… what if I never build myself back up to the warrior I once was? I'll admit I was never as talented as you but… I don't know, I guess I want to be good at something. I want to make something of my life - to make you proud of me, to make Riverclan proud of me." It felt like so much and yet so little to ask for; a rekindling of ambition lost to the sands of time too little too late.
She spares a glance over her shoulder, to the medicine den she has called home for a moon, will continue to call home for a moon longer. Robinheart is keenly aware of the herbs that perfume her pelt now. Of the locations of various leaves and cobwebs and berries the pale medicine cat keeps in stock. The dedication Moonbeam has to her clanmates, such patience and kindness wafting from the moggy. Citrine eyes return to the reflection staring back at her and she softly sighs. "I've been thinking about asking Moonbeam to take me on as her apprentice when she completes her training… I think I could be a good medicine cat one day. But I'm not sure if she wants an apprentice anytime soon. O-Or if StarClan would even accept me as her apprentice," Medicine cats weren't to have kits, but what of cats who had had kits before being chosen for that path? Robinheart is uncertain of whether that counts and she doesn't feel quite ready to make her thoughts known to anyone other than Brookstorm. "All I know is I would be happy helping my clanmates and serving my leader in a way where my leg won't slow me down or hinder me. Perhaps it is an unattainable idea… a distant dream dreamt by someone whose life has been turned upside down," a frown crests her maw and she lowers her head to touch her nose to the water's surface. Ripples disrupt her forlorn expression and she tries to put on a brave face as her head rises once more and the water stills.
Forever trying to keep her mate from worrying about her.
"Whatever happens in the coming moons happens. I've learned I cannot sway the decisions of StarClan, I can only continue down whatever path they put me on. But I hope, my love, that you continue to watch over me - watch over all of us - as we navigate the changes to come." Their futures hold so much uncertainty but Robinheart knows one thing is certain: she will continue to live each day with exceeding amounts of love in her heart.
After all, she did make that promise to Brookstorm two moons ago.
[ penned by kerms ]
