private toy soldiers ;; pollenfur.

[hyacinthbreath]

@POLLENFUR

After the incident with Emberfang and Sootstar, Hyacinthbreath hadn't been too keen on staying around camp often unless it was to check on her children and Moonshadow. While they weren't mates, Moonshadow did mean the world to Hyacinthbreath. If she wanted Moonshadow to love her, she had to work towards that; their children were a mutual responsibility that they both had decided to raise together- but only if their children wanted Hyacinthbreath in their lives like that. She hadn't been there for them when she should have been, so she didn't blame them if they were hesitant. She was only lucky that it was her who told them, and not a gossipy WindClanner. One thing's for sure, WindClan's cats were nosy as hell, but they didn't get themselves involved in others business. They didn't say a whisper to her kits about their true sire, and they didn't ask them about it. She was graced with that fortune, at least- she was able to do the right thing on her own time, though she would suffer the consequences with acceptance.

When Pollenfur had escorted Emberfang to the borders with Duskfire and Weaselclaw, Hyacinthbreath had been tasked with keeping an eye on Emberfang's family. In her own terms, that meant making sure Pollenfur was okay first before checking in on the others when it wasn't so suspicious to Sootstar. She was loyal to her Queen, but something about this situation disturbed her for some reason. Why was it, that when Pollenfur looked at Hyacinthbreath like that back then, did she hesitate; all the could think about was that night in the rain with Pollenfur, when all they had to lean on was each other. She had opened up to Pollenfur that night about her past, she could relate to Pollenfur like no other. There was a mutual understanding between the two friends. Neither would talk about that moment of vulnerability shown between them unless it was to each other.

Hyacinthbreath makes her way through the tall yellowing grass of the moors, tail flicking behind her as she catches a glimpse of tortoiseshell fur in the distance. Pollenfur is sitting atop a higher hill, watching the sun set in the sky as night began it's slow climb. She flicks an ear as she moves closer, clearing her throat so Pollenfur knows she's there. The wind is barely breezing through, but when it does, it sends a nice chill down ones spine. Leaf-bare was coming soon. "How are you faring? I can only imagine the pain you feel, Pollenfur." She meows softly, a moment to give the molly time to breathe. To adjust to her presence; she's not sure if she's a welcome presence in this moment, not after what went down that horrible day. "I.. I didn't get along with Emberfang because of my own reasons, though- I am not much better than Sootstar herself on that note. I've let you down, Pollenfur. I'm sorry."​

 

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

She's drawn away from camp again. Away from the eyes that meet hers and then dart to the left. Away from the murmurs, the whispers. She does not want to hear Emberfang, hushed and soft from a cruel mouth. She does not want to hear Honeytwist.

Pollenfur wants to disappear. It's truly what she wants to do. And yet, she remains, anchored, as ever, to these moors that have become her prison. WindClan, indeed, has become a cell, a chain around her ankle. Lemonpaw and Melonpaw look at her, the last bastion of familiarity, of hope, and her pelt crawls under their hopeful gazes. Brightshine, Marblebelly, Mallowlark, Echolight -- oh, her heart aches for them, too, but she can't stand to be around them.

She feels suffocated by those that remain here, and she wants to be free.

A familiar scent, one that is both comforting and terrifying, lays soft on the wind. Floral and sharp, astringent. Pollenfur acknowledges her lead warrior with a dip of her head, but her sleepy golden eyes are clouded with internal pain that roils away in her guts.

"I can only imagine the pain you feel, Pollenfur." She twitches an ear and meets the other molly's violet-blue eyes. "Can you?" Her voice is low, harsh. "I'm not sure I can imagine it myself."

She digs inside for a moment, letting the silence stretch taut between them. To her surprise, she finds she is not angry with Hyacinthbreath. She is not even disappointed in her. Her feelings are so complicated, tangled like the cobwebs her mate used to keep in her den, but ineffective at staunching the blood pouring from her soul.

"Why am I still here, Hyacinthbreath?" Her gaze locks onto the horizon. "StarClan. Do they intend me to stay here for some... infernal reason? Or is it just my damned, idiot heart?"

A tear burns like ice at the corner of her eye. It leaks and soddens her cheek fur. "I want to be free," she whispers.

- ,,​

 

[hyacinthbreath]

Hyacinthbreath doesn't waver at the bitter drip in Pollenfur's voice, she never did- Pollenfur was an emotional being at heart, but she kept her emotions internalized until they burst free. Until it flooded her body, and leaked out; wreaking havoc on her own soul. That night in the rain, she had seen Pollenfur for what she was: a damaged, broken-hearted molly who only wanted a home to belong to. Hyacinthbreath takes a few steps forward, hesitantly moving in to attempt to brush the top of her head beneath Pollenfur's chin. She asks the question of the year, and Hyacinth hums as she settles down beside the molly, watching the sky turn blue and black with night.

"For your family, hanging on to what you have left, I suppose." She responds in blunt honesty, violet-aquamarine hues staring up at the much larger molly. Normally, she was horrible with comforting people; Coldsnap was an excellent example of how she trained him well, but didn't give him the emotional development he needed. Now, he struggled with his own relationships and emotions- grief-stricken by Rosepaw's death. "You loved Honeytwist, and she left. You loved Emberfang, and she is gone. Everyone you loves leaves, in your mind. Romantic or familial, it doesn't matter." Hyacinth hums softly to herself, tail-tip twitching with her own hesitance. "You live for those you love. You stayed here for your mate's kits, your family- what do you want to do, Pollenfur? This is your life. You don't owe anyone your freedom." She meows softly, the feeling of jealousy eating at her gut; for what reason, she will never know. The deep love she held for Honeytwist, maybe- though, she isn't jealous of Pollenfur's position. Unlike Pollen, Hyacinth had a place in WindClan, a duty to it. The only thing that held the tortoiseshell here was family, blood of her blood. "Perhaps your soul longs for something more than WindClan, where your family would be safe. I would not judge you if you left with them. Things will only get worse here." She whispers, laying her head on her paws. She closes her eyes to think. "This is how life is here. As much as I hate it, there is nothing I can do. I only hope that one day.. I might be able to change WindClan for the better. That is my dream. And I know.. That I would be happiest with you by my side, Pollenfur."​

 

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

Hyacinthbreath moves close to Pollenfur, tucks her head under the calico's chin. She allows this closeness, the brush of their pelts. "For your family, hanging on to what you have left, I suppose." Pollenfur listens to her, thinking about those who have walked away from her in her life. Not by their own paws, but they had not asked her to go with them, and in her mind, it is abandonment all the same.

"The first one to leave me was my mother. Rose." She exhales. Her breath plumes white in the chill. Pollenfur pulls away from Hyacinthbreath, but the tears have stopped. Her eyes are dry now, dry and distant. "She did not mean any harm by it. We were old enough to fend for ourselves. But I think... I think I learned that's how we deal with our feelings, our grief. We leave."

She blinks at this realization. "I want to leave, Hyacinthbreath. I want to leave like Rose did, like Honeytwist did, like Emberfang did. Like I always have." She turns her face to her friend's striped silver face. "But you're right. My family is still here. Honeytwist's kits. Dandelionwish. And..." She hesitates.

"I only hope that one day.. I might be able to change WindClan for the better. That is my dream. And I know.. that I would be happiest with you by my side, Pollenfur."

She shakes her head, but her words are, "I can't leave you, either. You're chained here for now. Your own kits, Moonshadow, Sootstar. But..." She closes her eyes, kneads the earth with her paws. "You're not like her. Even when you convince yourself that you are -- I've seen the real you, Hyacinthbreath. At least..."

She opens golden eyes again and sinks them onto the lead warrior's face. "At least, I think I have."

- ,,​

 

[hyacinthbreath]

♚ Hyacinthbreath never believed that her family hated her; they were twisted in their own beliefs, but they didn't hate her. They only wanted her to be what they wanted her to be, judging Hyacinth for her decisions and the way she lived her life. They never vocally expressed their love for her, but it wasn't like she didn't know. As a child, perhaps she might have ached to hear the words every parent tells their children; I love you, little one. The soft whispers of encouragement, the cheer as their child did something right. Hyacinth was unfortunate to not have parents like that, but she knew that her parents loved her in their own way. Otherwise, they would have let her die in the wilds.

Silvery ears twitch atop the femme's head as she listens to Pollenfur talk about her mother; the loss, the leaving. Her mother had left her behind when she was old enough to fend for herself. Pity, Hyacinth felt in that moment. To be abandoned by the one person who was supposed to stick by your side until they die. Parents were odd like that, she supposed- she didn't want to abandon her children like that. Independence was one thing, but to never see your kids again? How does someone just.. Do that? Pollen pulls away from Hyacinth, and she doesn't mind the gap in space despite her longing to re-fill it. Her expression never shifts as Pollen explains her childhood, her horrible attempt at cheering the woman up met with her understanding of family in WindClan still remaining. She blinks in understanding, prepared for the molly to decide on leaving WindClan, the land where she was raised.

I want to leave, Hyacinthbreath. I want to leave like Rose did, like Honeytwist did, like Emberfang did. Like I always have.

But she doesn't get up to leave. Instead, she continues to speak.

But you're right. My family is still here. Honeytwist's kits. Dandelionwish. And...

She hesitates, then. Hyacinthbreath feels her breath halt, and she readies herself for something bad. How could it be something bad, though? Her mind fought with her constantly in those long moments of silence, only stirring to a silent halt when she finally speaks up.

I can't leave you, either. You're chained here for now. Your own kits, Moonshadow, Sootstar. But...

Hyacinthbreath swallows saliva that had gathered in her mouth, nervously adjusting in place- she didn't like being here, either, she realized. But she was chained here, by family that she was too proud of to leave. Moonshadow had told her to work for her affections back, to earn her love, and Hyacinthbreath took that as a challenge. Her loyalty to Sootstar was intense, but the seed of doubt had been sowed by Smokethroat and Pollenfur the moment she made a decision that cost them their medicine cat. Poor Dandelionwish had to deal with this Clan on his own, now. She half expects Pollenfur to say something harsh to her, to remind her of just who she chose to serve- but instead, she speaks soft words of sympathy. Of understanding.

You're not like her. Even when you convince yourself that you are -- I've seen the real you, Hyacinthbreath. At least... She holds her breath again, biting the inside of her cheek as her lip trembles with emotion. That distant, cold exterior begins to fall, no longer a Lead Warrior who was feared by those lower than her. She was not Nothing, never Nobody in this moment. Hyacinthbreath was a woman who'd lost everything, and yet found home in Pollenfur and many others. At least, I think I have. She was not Sootstar, not the cruel Queen they served together. Hyacinth was her own person, her mistakes didn't make her a failure. Hesitant to believe it, but still hit with the emotional downpour, Hyacinth gives Pollen a shaky smile, hiccuping past her own tears that began to fall. "Here I came to try and cheer you up, and you're doing it for me instead.. Shit, Pollen.." Hyacinth sniffs softly, wiping tears from her eyes. Her heart hammers against her chest, and something blooms inside of her.

"I.. Would love it if you stayed, Pollenfur. I know it's hard.. But as long as I'm here, I'll do everything I can to protect Dandy and Honey's children, your sister.. Mallowlark.. All of them. They're kind cats, they deserve a home they feel safe in."​