sensitive topics TURN OFF THE TV &. panic attack

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

they wake up so startled that whatever they had been feeling in their dream seeped over. their chest is tight and their paws fling to their throat, eyes wide and chest heaving in and out. they can't breathe. they cannot breathe.

"n-no! it hurts, it hurts! stop it! stop it, pl-please!"

salt pours down their face, as they swear they're bleeding again. they could swear to the stars right now that they're dying again. they needed to see starlingheart. they need to see her. she... she would be able to stop the bleeding. but stars above, they cannot breathe. they cannot think. everything hurts, and they cannot shake the feeling that they're not okay. they shakily stood to their paws, wheezing heavily and stumbling out of their den.

their eyes are unfocused and their breathing is uneven. the way they step is uncoordinated and they even stumble into a couple of their clanmates on the way to starlingheart's den. they can't even be bothered to say sorry, they're just convinced that blood is seeping everywhere. they're bleeding, they know it.

"d...dying... pl...please make it .... make it s-stop, st..starls... i-i don't want... I don't want to die... pl-please..."

they gasped out in between rapid breaths, rapid blinks as they swayed unsteadily outside of the medicine cat den.

"i-i... can't... the b...bleeding..."

//tldr: this takes place after this thread! chilledstar is having a real bad panic attack and believes they're dying! anyone can be the cats they've bumped into! tagging @Starlingheart but no need to wait !!

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[Snowlark.]

[ ༻❄༺ ] What could one do in a situation as such like this one? Seeing their leader stumbling about, wheezing and... overall thinking they were going to die. Snowpaw sure didn't, all he could do is stand there frozen in fear while yellow eyes trained on Chilledstar, their leader, and someone who hardly showed any emotions to show weakness now was here swaying in front of the medicine cat den. Slowly he'd approach with a worry look in his gaze unsure if he should try and give support to their leader but certainly he couldn't just watch.

He was no healer, he didn't know how to comfort anyone like Starlingheart could or... be calm and handle a situation as such like this like Magpiepaw could have, a sharp breath lept from his chest glacing into the den, knowing Starlingheart had heard the pleas of their leader. It was best to wait, wait and see if Starlingheart asks for help or shoo him away, yet he didn't want to leave Chilledstar here while many could just be... staring.

What did one say in this situation? Was Chilledstar even bleeding? What happened? Those thoughts dance in his mind before he swallowed harshly. "Chilledstar... uhm... please... lean on me..." his words came quietly as he attempted to move closer to the ebony and white leader if they'd allow it, seeing them sway like this made the boy uneasy.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── You ve wasted your life , but thanks for applying ──┐‎

• 
  "speak""Thoughts"
  
• 
  Snowpaw ❄ He/Him, apprentice of Shadowclan, 9 moons.
  ⭃ Lithe long hair blue lynx sepia with high white, and yellow eyes. Stubby tail, permanent resting bitch face
  ⭃ Hailfreckle x Mudsplash
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted (ask first) / / underline and tag when attacking
  ↛ see battle info here
  ⭃ penned by Ryn ↛ @/Rynnaro on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[Haretooth]

"INDELIBLE IS WHAT I NEED TO SPREAD THE WORD."​

Chilledstar was becoming a specter to Haretooth. They were always going to be a leader demanding respect, his sense of duty would ask for nothing less. Yet, seeing them at their more vulnerable moments such as this was haunting. A stain left on his psyche that he would take great pleasure in erasing, only wanting to know and remember them for their highest points… not like this. If he were a fool he'd take them for a mad elder, with the swaying and the half coherent rambling. All the hallmarks for a cat losing their grip on reality, madness staking its claim on another.

Long limbs strode swiftly to be beside his leader, on the opposing side to the apprentice. Unlike Snowpaw he didn't see an obligation to care for personal space. Blue eyes darted around Chilledstar’s form, he was no medicine cat but he had enough experience with being injured or viewing injuries to know where blood should be pooling from.

From his vantage point he saw no such thing, no deathly wound or blood could be spoken for. Clearing his throat he looked between the apprentice and their leader. “Death hasn't taken you yet. Allow us to help you keep upright so you don't wobble like a kit.” His words come across as cold as leaf-bare yet his eyes betray that steely, uncaring persona he tried to craft. He was scared, the unknown was terrifying and he had never had the displeasure to witness something like this, only hearing stories from elders.

Starlingheart could aid with this, surely. If there was anything that could be done, Haretooth wasn't so readily convinced that there was a cure to this. Yet he would be more than delighted to be proven wrong. Though he had his doubts he wouldn't be a dissenter, he had enough forethought to acknowledge that in the leaders current state his doubt would do nothing to aid the situation.
​

✯☽✯​

 

[Swansong]

⋆⁺₊ ☾ ⁺₊⋆ 　Death is far more familiar with the leader than any other cat among the marshes, and it is not a burden they bear easily. Such a thing is alien even to Swansong, who does her best to make death a friend - and yet they are unsurprised to see its spectre following the leader, even beyond times of bloodshed, clinging to their scarred form like a burr. Even then, to see the Chilledstar like this is unsettling. They stumble about and gasp like a bird with a wounded wing, a creature who has seen death coming and pleads with choked words. She is almost inclined to believe them, to mourn another loss of life.

...Is such a thing appropriate, for a cat who lives again and again? No one mourns the death of a leader until the ninth, and yet death claims them nonetheless. She supposes it would be a strange thing, to be grieved while still standing.

And oh, she is staring. Snowpaw's clumsy support has them moving towards the shaky form of their leader, hesitance coloring their steps. Their fate is merely to watch, to guide those already doomed. Chilledstar is not to die now, she realize belatedly, as they babble on about bleeding. This is beyond her domain, then. She can be of little help. She tries not to resent the powerlessness of a gravekeeper, but it grows more and more difficult with every passing day. "Haretooth speaks true... No blood stains your fur," she tells them, hushed and - she hopes - reassuring. Sympathy and sadness color pools of velvety soft blue in equal measure, yet she feels strangely out of her depth in remedying such feelings.

There is no threat of death for her to face, no divine secrets to guide her paws. All she has is her words, and so she continues in gentle tones, "Ease your breathing, Chilledstar..." This is something she knows well. Those gasping breaths are a sort harbinger, yet not an imminent doom. Death's cold grasp can be eased with the steadying, the refusal to let one's lungs give out too wholly. "You are safe here," they murmur finally, a quiet reminder. They are uncertain that it is enough.

‎‎┌── WE FOUND TWO DEAD SWANS ⋆⁺₊ ☾ ⁺₊⋆ AND FILLED THEIR BODIES WITH FLOWERS ──┐‎

• 
  
• 
  
  

  "SPEECH"

• 
  SWANSONG　⋆⁺₊ ☾ ⁺₊⋆　she / they, warrior of shadowclan, thirteen moons.
  ➳ a pale, silky-furred cream tabby with tired blue eyes.
  ➳ dreamy and detached, known for her perpetual sleepiness.
  ➳ halfshade x smogmaw, littermate to applejaw, garlicheart, & ashenfall.
  ➳ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ➳ penned by SATURNID ↛ saturnids on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[MIRESTAR]

Mirepurr lost count of their sleepless or interrupted nights, multiple in a row now. Perhaps it's all due to the song of frogs that never fail to fill the air and remind them of danger lurking within the shadows- and how terribly ironic that is, when it's ShadowClan themselves who should bring forth such feelings in others, not forcing them to cower in their own home. Perhaps it's just anticipation for the next thing.

Chilledstar's name is as fitting as ever when their voice strikes a cord within Mirepurr's nerves and sends a shiver down their spine. They have no idea of knowing for sure, but the way Ferndance talked of the fox winning the battle against their leader... well, paired with their appearance then, the loss of a life seems highly plausible. Now they call for help again, and Mirepurr wishes their paws were more than a mere mortal's, a pair that could stitch together a leader who has been coming apart at the seams for far too long now.

But of course, they don't posses such paws. Not even Starlingheart does; she has knowledge and the guidance of StarClan, but if that proved to be always enough, she would never need to remember what to say during vigils for the deceased ever again.

"Don't crowd them," Mirepurr croaks, joining the gathering of the concerned. They wish they could approach Chilledstar, pull them close, show them that nobody's touch comes away with blood if they touch the blackness of their fur.

Snowpaw offers help in the physical sense, but Mirepurr is not sure if that can be of any use just yet. Haretooth's words sound frigid, not matching his tone... Swansong takes the best possible course of action with verbal assurances, and Mirepurr joins in. "Nothing will hurt you here, Chilledstar. You won't die." If they all say it enough times, maybe they can will it into existence; Chilledstar's safety, that is. "Just- try to breathe, okay? I promise you, you can. Just in, and out."
​

 

[MARBLEPAW]

Her dreams are troubled tonight. She is in the Twolegplace, and the sky is gray and iron-dark as the concrete under her paws. Sycamorekit is here, too, but she can only sense him—he’s nowhere to be seen. Her own steps are unsteady; she cries out into the alleyway, cries out for mama, for Siltcloud, but her voice echoes, taunts her. She squirms in her nest, pushing tired eyelids toward her forehead. It’s a dream she has too often; it’s a dream she cannot outrun, no matter how fast her paws carry her. She thinks of Betonyfrost, yellow eyes glinting like sunlit ice, teeth flashing like a fox’s in her face. She thinks of Lilacfur, telling her that yes, her mother had been a monster.

The dream’s residual sleepiness drains from her limbs; there’s a commotion outside. Marblekit heaves herself to her paws and pads away from the nursery. Collapsed in the entrance of Starlingheart’s den is Chilledstar, and they’re circled by concerned Clanmates. Snowpaw, Mirepurr, and Haretooth all lend their shoulders for the ebony-pelted leader to lean on, but it’s the feline’s words that bounce around in her head: Blood, there’s so much blood, I’m bleeding.

Her movements are swift, but anxious, as she draws closer. She likes Chilledstar. She curls close to the stone the ShadowClan leader had given her every night. She does not want to see Chilledstar suffer. She lingers behind the limbs of the other cats, finally asking, “Is Chilledstar okay? Can I help?” Her mouth dips into an uneven frown.

『 out of character. 』 ✧･ﾟ:* 『 about. 』

• ooc: —
• 
• Marblekit, she/they w/ feminine and non-gendered terms.
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — 3 moons old, ages realistically on the 1st.
  — mentored by n/a ; mentoring n/a ; previously mentored n/a
  — shadowclan kit, formerly a rogue. siltcloud x lilacfur, gen 3.
  — currently mated to n/a.
  — penned by Marquette.
  
  
  sh fawn tabby with dull green eyes. courageous, curious, introspective, observant, judgmental, snarky.
  
  

​

 

[Duckshimmer]

*+:｡.｡ TW: mentions of suicidal ideation

Duckshimmer watches the display with a heavy heart. She can't say she's particularly shocked to see Chilledstar so upset - morbidly, she's...almost glad. Chilledstar reacted to their own death with such blasé it was bordering concerningly close to suicidal. Or at least passively so. Perhaps it was just the shock of it at first, but she couldn't imagine how dying multiple times wouldn't mess up a cat's perception of their own mortality. Especially for someone like Chilledstar who put their clan above their own life - their own wants and needs, their very hope for happiness.

With a sigh, Duckshimmer takes a step back, seeing as she doubts her added presence will be of any use to the situation. Instead, she focuses on Marblekit, gently aiming to place her tail on the kitten's shoulders. "No, they aren't " There isn't any point in lying when the kit can see with her own two eyes, "But they will be. Right now, the best you and I can do is give them space. What do you say you and I look through the fresh-kill pile for something special for Chilledstar when they're ready to eat, hm? I'm sure they'll appreciate your expert food choice"

Duckshimmer would start to walk away from the scene, hopefully with Marblekit in tow. She does her best not to look back or think about their awful comments about their own life that one night in the rain. The lifelessness in their eyes. The hopelessness. She sighs deeply, wishing that there was something she can do to help.
But these dainty little paws of hers are good for very little.

*+:｡.｡ Updated 12/15/23

• Interacting with @/marblekit <3
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ⚜ Duckshimmer
  ⚜ DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
  ⚜ 30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ⚜ Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
  ⚜ Shadowclan — Warrior
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ⚜Physically hard | mentally hard
  ⚜ Attack in bold #ffa98f
  injuries: None currently

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

snowpaw and haretooth try to keep them upright. keep them from falling over and collapsing. the touch feels almost painful but they're so disoriented that they can't pull away or do anything but look with wide and confused eyes. their gaze darts back and forth as they try to catch their breath but the hyperventilating only gets worse, only worsening their panic. they truly feel as if they're dying, and that nothing will stop it. however, swansong and mirepurr offer solutions. ease their breathing. in and out. in and out.

"...y...yes..."

they remember now. they haven't had a panic attack in so long but they do remember how to stop it. they do realize now that this was what this was. a panic attack. they're not dying. they're okay. they just need to breathe. they're safe, here. they're safe. the sound of marblekit's worried voice only make their stomach twist. poor thing did not need to see them like that, and thank the stars for duckshimmer taking her away. they take a few moments before trying to mimic the breathing of those around them. slowly but surely. they're still shaky, but at least now they can breath. their ears pin back with embarrassment and they do the only thing they know to do.

"s...sorry. I'm fine now so you... all can... go take some time off from your duties. thanks."

embarrassed. but leaders are cats all the same with just as many, if not more, problems than the rest of their clan. a hot pot will always boil over. they just had a moment where their body and mind was too overwhelmed. they'd... figure it out. they just needed to see if starlingheart had something to get them to sleep.

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[MIRESTAR]

Something seems to click then, in Chilledstar's mind, and clarity seeps back into their eyes. Mirepurr can only do so much to hold back a sigh of relief, especially with young Marblekit arriving to the scene as well. At least Duckshimmer thinks fast and tries to divert such fragile innocence from the worst of it. They make a mental note to thank her for it later.

And then Mirepurr frowns, tries to catch any other warrior's gaze to say something without words. Chilledstar manages to hold themself together - whether it's just for appearance's sake or more concrete is anyone's guess, although nobody would be surprised if it's the former -, but immediately focuses on the Clan. The Clan's well-being, to be more specific, and effectively pushing their own health to the side.

Such is the life of a leader... everything else always takes top priority. But Mirepurr would be hard-pressed to not even attempt giving back some of Chilledstar's care towards them. You deserve it.

"I was just about to go on a walk," they lie through their teeth, hoping that in this state, Chilledstar won't think twice about it. "Care to join me? The fresh air would probably help."
​

 

[MARBLEPAW]

A fluffy tail caresses her shoulders, and Marblekit instantly relaxes and looks up into Duckshimmer’s cool blue eyes. “No, they aren’t,” she says, and Marblekit’s mouth trembles into a frown. She can’t stand seeing Chilledstar in pain like this—and it is pain, even if it’s a kind of pain she’s never seen before. She feels helpless—and she hates it. Her head lowers slightly, and tears prick at the corner of her eyes. They are heavy tears—tears weighted with frustration, with sadness. She can’t help.

Duckshimmer’s kindness burns through the cloud covering Marblekit like the sun through a storm. She peers back toward the tortoiseshell point, who suggests they go to the fresh-kill pile and choose something good for Chilledstar once they can eat again. She brightens. “Okay! C’mon, let’s go, then!” She bounds toward the fresh-kill pile and finds a fresh, fat frog, and she knows Chilledstar doesn’t mind frogs, because none of them do. “How about this?” She tilts her face back toward Duckshimmer’s, smiling at last.

With haste, Marblekit grabs the frog and rushes toward Chilledstar. Proudly, she drops the bit of fresh-kill at her leader’s paws. “I hope this makes you feel better,” she mews, and then nods as Mirepurr offers to take the dark leader on a calming walk through the woods. Perhaps the combination would help them to sleep.

『 out of character. 』 ✧･ﾟ:* 『 about. 』

• ooc: —
• 
• Marblekit, she/they w/ feminine and non-gendered terms.
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — 4 moons old, ages realistically on the 1st.
  — mentored by n/a ; mentoring n/a ; previously mentored n/a
  — shadowclan kit, formerly a rogue. siltcloud x lilacfur, gen 3.
  — currently mated to n/a.
  — penned by Marquette.
  
  
  sh fawn tabby with dull green eyes. courageous, curious, introspective, observant, judgmental, snarky.
  
  

​