sensitive topics twice as many stars ☀︎ private

[Sunfreckle]

Tw: There is a single line referencing dead kittens in this post and further references of losing a litter in later ones.

Sunfreckle has moved his nest back into the middle of the nursery once more, before it had been gradually scooted to the mouth of the den so he could lay in it while peering outside but now he'd given up on bothering with being able to watch the camp; he didn't want to see his clanmates going about their business while he was left to rot in his own despair, waiting for the litter he was not solely convinced were even alive. He should notice, shouldn't he? He should be able to feel them by now, it was so close...and yet unlike his first there was nothing. No sensation, not fluttering movements, no indication they were even there. He was a graveyard, full of bodies; Sunfreckle tucked his nose down into his paws and took shuddering breath. The walk out to the border had been stupid but he'd wanted to know what was happening and it had only left him tired and in a worse mood than before.
A shadow falls over his hunched form, the den briefly dark as someone steps in to block the light and his voice is an irritable grumble only just muffled by the nesting material as he raises his head.
"...I said I didn't want anythi-" He's finally looked up proper now, mouth set in a frown but it quickly shifts into surprise at the site of the black tabby leader there instead of his mate as he expected. "O-oh...Howlingstar..." His greeting is quiet, lacking its usual cheer and he knows why she has come here; it is several things, his foolish trek to the border, his insistence on defending his mate no matter how stupidly he acts out. Sunfreckle's ears flatten, but he waits patiently for her to step in fully and to speak first.

---

[Ooc]
@HOWLINGSTAR & @Rabbitnose
​

 

[HOWLINGSTAR]

She doesn't know what Berryheart gave her for her migraine, but it's working. With the sharp pain subsiding, she's finally ready to approach her friend and counselor about the incident at the border...stars know she's stressed enough about the traitors running away from the clan, but Sunfreckle's presence had been the acorn that tumbled the squirrel's stash. She is worried for her friend, yes. Anyone can see he's not been doing well since moving to the nursery. Even still, disappointment ways heavy on her mind. She has to clear this up; she isn't the type to let this sort of thing fester.

She steps into the den, mouse in her jaws, and stares down at the swollen-bellied queen she casts a shadow over. He notes her presence and she nods in return before placing the mouse at his paws. "You don't have to eat it now, but you will eat it today." She's not asking. He needs to take care of himself. Which brings her to... "What were you thinking, going all the way out to the border? You're due any day to give birth! I know you're not this mouse-brained or you wouldn't be on my council. Do I need to assign a guard to you, Sunfreckle, to make sure you stay in camp until you give birth?" Her voice is scolding, like a mother reprimanding her kit. With ears angling sideways in irritation, she awaits his response.​

 

[Sunfreckle]

Howlingstar is hard to read, she is obviously upset with him and he can not blame her for that but he feels she may be more worried than angry and it hits him just a little harder than the idea of her just being disappointed and annoyed; it was not a feeling he liked to be the cause of and it made him feel more regret in his foolishness than sharp words she has not yet even said. There is a brief recoil, a small flicker of unease across his face at the mouse delivered to him but something in Howlingstar's tone made it clear he was not going to be able to just refuse or hide it like he had done with Rabbitnose's attempts so he only nodded numbly in reply; any attempt to be argumentative on this particular topic fading instantly. He's tired and she's right, but he does not know how to convey how much distance his mind has already pushed between him and this litter to the point he is not even convinced there is one.
"I...lost my head...it's no excuse, I'm sorry. It won't happen again..." A far cry from his earlier time in ThunderClan where he had stupidly wandered because he just didn't understand, now he had done so for lack of care entirely and he was not sure which was worse: this hollow feeling or the bliss of ignorance.
"..I guess I just didn't...think it mattered...they're already.." Sunfreckle trails off, his paw curled around the mouse to look down on it and for a moment he sees tabby stripes on the motionless prey; it warps for a split second to reveal to him the curled in form of a motionless kit with the same markings on his own pelt but his mate's pale blue and he has to resist the urge to fling it away. Instead his head lifts and he turns to face the wall, "You...don't have to waste a guard, I promise. I'll stay put." In his tomb, in his burial ground, it was what he deserved anyways. "...I'm sorry again, it was stupid of me..."
​

 

[Rabbitnose]

Rabbitnose followed Howlingstar to the nursery, their destination being the same. He wanted to check on Sunfreckle. His words at the border surprised him, he had never known him to speak so....Venomously. He was worried. Rabbitnose knows he's likely in trouble, and part of him wants to hide away somewhere, but he can't do that. He can't abandon his duties, and he can't let Sunfreckle waste away in the nursery.

He hears his mate grumble irritably and then correct himself, and he can only imagine he thought he walked in instead of Howlingstar. He quietly steps inside the nursery beside her. He wants to plead with Sunfreckle to eat, but he figures an order from Howlingstar is more than enough, and he doesn't want to push him too hard when he's in such a fragile state of mind.

The reminder that their kits were due any day fills him with anxiety. He's afraid. He's afraid of what might happen. Afraid of the kits being dead. Afraid of what it will do to the both of them. His jaw clenches and he tries to push his feelings away. He listens as Howlingstar scolds his mate. It's not his fault... It was Rabbitnose's.

"He wouldn't have left if it weren't for me. I'm the one you should be scolding." He says quietly.

If he had simply went to Howlingstar instead of escorting Spotflare and his children to the border, then Sunfreckle would have stayed in the nursery because there was no one to search for in the first place.

He wants to ask Sunfreckle how he's feeling, but he already knows. And hearing his mate speak makes his heart plummet. He believes the kits are gone. It was a possible reality that he didn't want to face, and he almost wants to cry. He moves to him to press his head against his.

"We don't know that for sure..." He says. They cant be dead. His stomach wouldn't have grown if they were dead, right? Dead things dont grow, right?

He wants to be reassuring. But how can he, when the future is so uncertain? "No matter what happens, I'll be here to help you through it."​

 

[HOWLINGSTAR]

He apologizes immediately, appearing as defeated as a downed bird. For once, she looms over the hulking tom as he seems to duck even further into his nest. He says something about the kits they carry, which causes tilt of her head. Already...already what? He doesn't explain, only apologizing again. After a few moments she exhales slowly in a sigh. "Now that that is settled..."

She turns her frustrated gaze upon Rabbitnose, who apologizes for being the reason Sunfreckle found himself at the border. He's got a long way to go before he can fully earn back the leader's trust. She gives her tail a last and her snout wrinkles, unable to hide her displeasure. "Escorting three runaway ThunderClanners to the border in the dead of night without telling anyone. Do you have any idea the implications of that? Why did you hide it, Rabbitnose? Why didn't you tell me, or anyone? Now ThunderClan is out two apprentices whose training has been completely wasted." Spotflare would have left no matter what she said. He'd hidden his disloyalty well, until the end. But the apprentices...maybe they could have given them more of a choice to stay. Now I'll never know.

// IC OPINIONS IM SORRY SHES ON EDGE​

 

[Rabbitnose]

Her displeasure and disappointment in him burns into him like a smoldering branch. He's always messing up. Why?

Why can't he just make the right decisions?

He pushed himself to meet her gaze. It was the least he could do instead of cowering.

"I.... I just thought....." He began. Anxiety twisted in his chest. " I just thought.....if they didn't want to be here anymore....W-why force them to stay...? Their minds were made up and I just....Wanted to make sure they didn't get attacked by the boars...." He said. Graystorms death was still fresh in his mind, and he couldn't see it happen again. He wouldn't bring it up though, if it was a sore spot for him, he could only imagine what it was for Howlingstar.

"It wasn't my intention to act disloyal." He finished. "I'll accept whatever punishment you choose....I'm sorry."

He feels small. He's afraid of being kicked out and separated from his family. Though if Sunnyday wasn't exiled, then surely he was fine.​