private ultraviolence || sunnyday

[crowflower]

In the wake of Sunnyday's terrible deeds, Crowflower is forced to reevaluate how she feels about the old warrior. For several days, she picks apart everything she knows about the sun-furred tomcat, examining each piece of evidence and fact with careful scrutiny. Fact: Sunnyday is compelled to do what he thinks is right, for better or for worse. Fact: he seems to be ashamed of his actions. Fact: he has a concerning penchant for violence. Crow is forced to admit to herself that she has witnessed very little outward display of the goodness she believes exists within him. Disappointment threatens to crush her belief in him completely, but her meddlesome nature refuses to let it go. Why would Howlingstar allow him to stay, why would his punishment not be more severe, if he did not have the potential to do better? And why, in the face of their leader's mercy, has Sunnyday seemed to accept his role as the clan's parish and sink into a state of self-disgust and guilt? Crowflower is consumed by the desire, the need, to understand why. Why, why, why? She doesn't want to believe that there is nothing in him except an irredeemable monster.

Perhaps she is a fool. Perhaps Sunnyday is too far gone to recover from the severity of his downfall. And, yet, Crowflower is compelled to try. She resolves to give him the chance to tell his story, at the very least. It may not help anybody else, but, hopefully, it will help her figure out how to feel about him.

It isn't hard to locate his nest. Self-imposed exile has been rough on Sunnyday, and his scent is easy enough for even the most novice tracker to follow. Crowflower is silent while she waits for the older warrior to wake, content to observe the birds fluttering through the sun-dappled canopy and testing her ability to identify them. Robin, goldfinch, song thrush, wren. A quiet noise catches her attention and she turns just in time to notice Sunnyday stir. "Oh, good morning," she greets casually, pretending as if she weren't ambushing him at his nest. "Will you join me on my morning patrol?" It's clear from her expression that she wants to talk, but she's trying to be kind about it.

@Sunnyday​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
As rough as Sunnyday had become in terms of appearance his nest didn't entirely reflect it. Unlike himself it was well kept, lined comfortably with leaves, moss and feathers in order to keep him comfy and warm during his nights of solitude. It wasn't like he had the body fat in order to keep himself warm during the night so having a suitable nest was vital for his sake if his self-imposed exile from the camp was going to hold up. He hadn't expected to have any visitors swing by, so when he finally roused and was greeted with a voice he just about launched out of his bed.

Groggily he pushed himself up onto his paws and he shook the debris of his nest from his pelt, though he made no attempt to lick his fur flat which left it clumped and spiky. Chaotic bed-fur at its finest, or least finest to be exact. "Crowflower? Oh... um... sure." Barely awake and already being dragged off on patrol duty, very well, he'd do so without verbal complaint. Though as he lifted his head up just high enough to look at the she-cat he saw the way she looked at him and he sussed pretty quickly that it wasn't just a patrol. Internally he cringed and he wished he could just hide away again, just so he wouldn't have to talk. The tom let his head hang low again as he prepared to follow the she-cat's lead. "Where are we heading?"
​

 

[crowflower]

Immediate acceptance is not exactly the response that Crowflower is expecting after surprising the senior warrior at his next, but she doesn't question it. Sunnyday has become rather meek and submissive in his self-imposed exile. "Toward the Skyclan border, if that's alright with you?" the ashen molly is always careful not to over-hunt and keeps a (somewhat) organized mental list on which locations hunting patrols visit the most. Plus, her particular interest in all the creatures sheltered within Thunderclan's great oak forest often leads her to avoid the most populated areas in favor of quieter territory where she is most likely to observe something particularly interesting. "I brought you something for breakfast," she says with a sheepish smile. "I already ate, though. Hope you don't mind." Crowflower had intended to split prey with Sunnyday to be polite, but she ended up eating and sharing tongues with her sister in the nursery instead.

While she waits for the tomcat to scarf down his food, the young warrior entertains herself by flipping over rocks in search of beetles and centipedes. Large grubs always make for a quick and delicious snack, while the adult insects are always enjoyable to watch. She often wonders what it would be like to be a bug.

As soon as he's finished, she smiles and leads him through the undergrowth toward their destination, fuzzy white ears flickering to and fro in a constant search for the sounds of prey. Soft rustling in the distance alerts her to several mice scurrying in the leaf litter somewhere nearby. With a flick of her tail, Crowflower parts from Sunnyday and disappears into the brush so that they may hunt their own quarry without disturbing one another. Despite how branches and leaves always seem to snarl in the untamed mess of Crow's skunk-colored pelt, she manages to successfully catch both the mouse and a squirrel that had been distracted by cracking open a seed.

It is only when the molly finally regroups with Sunnyday that she decides that she's ready to start asking questions. She gazes at him for a long moment, observing the sunken valleys where his bones seem to jut out from beneath his ungroomed pelt. "I'm concerned for you," she says finally. "Is this really who you want to be?" Someone who lives in exile? A pariah? Scorned by cats who used to be both friends and family? A person who unleashes his anger on the people he's supposed to protect? Crowflower may not be personally involved, but she worries that Sunnyday may be traveling down a path from which there is no return. And it may already be too late.​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
The SkyClan border was perhaps the safest area, if you ignored the potential risk of twolegs and their traps. Though from what he knew there hadn't been any reports of such things on ThunderClan's territory yet, thankfully. So he was prompt about offering a nod of agreement with Crowflower's choice. However, before he could move to set off he finds himself being offered some prey. The tom looked at it with uncertainty, though not wishing to be rude he decided to give a polite nod of his head before settling down to eat it. The final few mouthfuls were a struggle and he could already feel his side pulsing with the familiar dull ache that had ruled his life for a great many moons. "Thank you." He mewed before moving to follow the she-cat.

As they departed ways whilst they hunted he instinctively dropped into a hunters crouch and slipped away into the brush, using the thick newleaf foliage to help conceal his bright pelt. It wasn't long until he came across a few promising scent trails, one of which led him right to a fat vole feeding on young blossoms. By the time he was finished he had added a blackbird to his successful catches. Keeping his kills by his paws he then looked to Crowflower when she reappeared with her own catches.

Any hope of simply heading to the camp to drop off the prey were dashed as he found himself confronted by the questions, and he was swift to lower his gaze in obvious avoidance. He just didn't want to deal with the matter at all but he knew that she wouldn't just drop it. The tom let slip a defeated sigh as he considered his answer. "Look, Crowflower, it's better that I don't live in the camp. I can't hurt anyone else if I'm not near them, it's for the best. I just... I just want to do my duties and that's it." At this point he didn't feel like he could fix or salvage anything. ThunderClan wasn't the sort of place that ever forgot things, they had made that very clear, and it wasn't just towards him either.
​

 

[crowflower]

A radiant beam of golden sunlight pierces through the emerald canopy, casting the forest below in pale yellow dapples. Crowflower welcomes the warmth of late morning, eyes half-shut in serene contemplation. She is utterly still, content to bird watch while Sunnyday considered his answer. As important as this conversation is for her, there is no urgency to her mannerisms. She will ask her questions and she will receive her answers, no matter how long it takes. When the tomcat finally responds, Crowflower flicks her gaze to meet his, trying to gauge his expression. To look upon Sunnyday is like watching the merciless heat of Greenleaf burn the life out of a once proud sunflower, leaving only wilted petals and a dry husk behind. Tragic and disappointing.

"It's better," she counters with a solemn question. "or is it easier?"

By staying out here, Sunnyday is definitely avoiding the scrutinizing glares, the whispers, the sly comments (Wolfwind a likely culprit). It definitely saved Crowflower the discomfort of wanting to speak up for him (because, certainly, there is no one else who would) but choosing to allow him to suffer his punishment. Moral dilemmas are the bane of her existence, and she suffers from quite a lot of them. If Sunnyday were to ask, she would answer truthfully that Sandpaw's injury horrified her just as much as their clanmates. However, it is also true that she worries for him because she cares about him. She feels a sense of obligation to help him. To challenge him to want to do better, try harder.

"Because none of this--" she makes a vague gesture with a muddy white paw. "--feels like the right thing to do." Crowflower pauses to take a grounding break in order to resist the ever-increasing urge to lecture the tomcat on her philosophical beliefs of moral and ethics. It's an irritating, albeit tantalizing, impulse. "Are you so afraid of your clan that you will hide out here instead of facing your consequences?" She can feel herself beginning to preach, and she checks her tone before continuing earnestly, "You can do so much better than this, but you have to be brave enough to try."​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
"Both." Sunnyday shot the word a little more sharply than he liked which caused him to snap his ears back as he looked even further away from the she-cat. It was better, and it likely made life just a little easier to bear for the time being on all sides. Though he knew that living rough was going to get harder once leaf fall rolled around again, so he was facing the falling sands of the hourglass, and once it ran out he would have to decide to either return to the camp or simply perish like a bad memory in the cold.

Quietly he listened as he sat as still as a tree on a windless day, his body language gave nothing away as he took the time to process all that was being said. After a short time he turned his gaze towards Crowflower and he let his dulled blue eyes study her for a moment before he started to speak once more. "And what do you deem to be the right thing to do? Because yes, I am afraid of this clan. I'm afraid of myself." He knew that she was trying to do something to salvage his life, but he honestly didn't feel convinced that such a thing was even possible.

"What would you even do in my paws? When you're known as the tom who fell for a murderer? The tom who takes in strays and puts the clan at risk? The tom who cares about the neighbouring clans? The tom who stupidly mocked his own leader's horrific injury? The tom who couldn't even save his best friend and killed in the name of revenge? The tom who hurt his own apprentices? The tom who lied to protect his own appren-..." Abruptly he cut himself off before going any further. In the end the last point didn't matter, Crowflower didn't have any business knowing about the lie he had told that day to cover for Lichenpaw's burst of anger. Not when the anger had been justified, even if it delayed getting Sandpaw help. "Crowflower, nothing that I do now will ever fix what I have done. You can't save everyone."
​

 

[crowflower]

The sharp prickle of Sunnyday's tone doesn't appear to bother Crowflower. She flicks an ear, wordlessly bobbing her head in acknowledgement. What does she think is the right thing to do? Not even she knows, but she suspects the question is a rhetorical one, so she deigns not to answer. A thoughtful silence befalls the young molly as she listens to Sunnyday's speech. Occasionally, her gaze flickers to observe the senior warrior, but, mostly, she watches the dapples of sunlight piercing through the emerald canopy. The rich scent of damp earth and decay fills her nostrils. The sensations ground her, granting her the freedom to retreat within her mind while she puzzles over what she's hearing.

Admittedly, Sunnyday's list of transgressions does give her pause. She doesn't know how to think, how to respond, or what to believe. Mocking Howlingstar's wound and injuring your apprentice on purpose...it's terrible. It makes her stomach churn. But caring about the other clans? Crowflower loves every opportunity she gets to interact with the other clans, despite the underlying hostility. She's always imagined a world where they could be united together as allies rather than always at each other's throats, but Crowflower has learned to keep such progressive thoughts to herself. As for loving a murderer, well, she cannot count that against Sunnyday either. Matters of the heart are rarely so simple as right and wrong, good or bad. They just are.

Her unspoken conclusion is that she can't say what she would do in his position, because she believes she never would be in his place, even though she might make similar choices. His anger is what gets the better of him. As for Crowflower, it is her bleeding heart that is her downfall.

You can't save everyone.

At that final statement, Crowflower returns the full intensity of her soulful gaze to regard Sunnyday with an enigmatic expression. The white tip of her feathery tail flicks with something akin to agitation. "I know," she says without hesitation. "I can't fix people. And you can't take back what you've done." I'm not an idiot, she wants to say, but refrains from letting her emotions get the better of her (for now). "But Howlingstar has chosen to let you stay. She has given you a second chance that nobody expected you to receive." She frowns and shifts her weight. "Look, I don't have the answers, but I don't think you're beyond redemption..." A stance that automatically puts her at odds with everyone. Another frown. She hardly believes her own words. Her initial confidence is beginning to ebb away. The more she talks, the more unsure of her actions she becomes. She doesn't want to be hated simply because she doesn't hate Sunnyday. But she also knows that there are very few cats aside from her who may give him the encouragement he needs to change himself for the better. An image of Sandpaw's pained expression flashes in her mind and she looks away.

With a steadying breath, she squares her shoulders and speaks with conviction. "You have earned the way most of the clan feels about you. But that doesn't have to be all you are." Do better. Stop hurting people. Prove that you actually regret your actions.​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Sunnyday found himself letting his shoulders sag as the exhaustion of the exchange set in. Ultimately he didn't believe Howlingstar letting him stay was any form of act of kindness or mercy. Exile would have been cleaner, easier, but it would have condemned him to death. In his youth he would have stood a good chance of surviving on his own, but with age and his worsening health he simply couldn't make it out alone. The tom exhaled sharply through his nose as he turned his gaze away from Crowflower with his ears folded back. "You'd do well distancing yourself from me from now on." It was probably for the best in truth. It would spare some of her reputation, and her sanity.

"If there's nothing else that you wish to talk about we should get our catches back to the camp." He was more than ready to drop the subject at that point, especially if it would only run in circles from that moment. If they kept going then surely the prey would decay from time before they were through. To push the matter he even began to gather up his catches so he could pick them up. He was tired and he just wanted to move on now without every little wound being picked at. If the clan wanted his anger to reduce then they could just start by not poking at his sore spots at every opportunity. ​