upon the same fatigue ⸸ chilledstar

[Magpiepaw]

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He had not seen Chilledstar's first death. It was at the time that the bear had lumbered its way into their camp and the clan had made the unfortunately foolish decision to try and fight it off to no avail. Magpiepaw had long since evacuated then with several other apprentices, had not been a medicine cat at the time and it was this incident as well as Starlingheart's pregnancy that had given her the idea to reach out to him to be her student at all. The first time the black and white tom saw a spirit outside of StarClan it was Little Wolf. Her body broken upon the cold mountain top, Hailstorm's looming form bowed over her at his side. He'd registered movement in his peripheal and raised his head to see the dark molly simply get up and walk away from the corpse she had once inhabited, striding onward into the stars with a gray tom at her side. Gray Wolf, Howlingstar had said his name was.

The second time it had been...Chilledstar. He had not spoken of it, had not brought it up or thought of it since the current situation at hand had left him with more pressing matters to attend to; such as his leader bleeding to death under his paws. Outside the leader's den yowls of outrage and grief poured out, but inside it was quiet - alarmingly so, only the whisper of the wind trilling through the stone as he frantically tried to stop the dark feline from losing more than one life that day and that was when he'd seen it. The hazy flicker of an outline rising up, jeweled edged like snow caught beneath a sun beam; a pale shadow, an echo, a reflection - he watched Chilledstar's star-ladden figure rise up and vanish in a flourish of ethereal light and then they came back.
A life set free, a life returning back to StarClan to await the rest of the pieces of the cat that made them whole.
Magpiepaw had shoved the vision away, refused to acknowledge it then, but it was getting harder to pretend like he didn't see it. Like he couldn't look at Chilledstar and know for a fact how many lives they still carried. That he would be able to see each and every one of them rise up and snuff out like an ember in a harsh wind.
Maybe that is why he ventured to the leader's den that morning, leaving Starlingheart resting still in the medicine cat den, uneven steps carrying him along to pause outside the hollowed stone with a fretful expression and wide blue-violet eyes. "Chilledstar? Are you awake?"

————— ⸸ looks like the stars won't shine much longer ———— ⸸ so give me your hand

• @CHILLEDSTAR.
• 
  
  
  Magpiepaw
  —⊰⋅ MCA of ShadowClan
  —⊰⋅ He/They
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  —⊰⋅ Black tom w/a white throat and blue-violet eyes.
  —⊰⋅ Has mild cerebellar hypoplasia (Wobbly cat syndrome)
  
  

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

they won't ever get used to that. their death. watching their body lay lifelessly, helpless from the stars. they can't get used to it, and the idea that they have to do it over and over and over again makes them sick. blessing and curse. to live and die over and over again. a blessing to come back but a curse that they will inevitably die yet again, and it's never painless. the pain hardly goes away, lingering with every step. their gaze sticks to the wall as they stare and think about... everything and nothing at all. they're numb, to a certain level. they aren't one hundred percent sure that they've even refueled to their body. everything seems so... weird. they can barely feel what they're touching, and hardly hear anything but distant echos. where were they right now?

"huh? oh, yeah. yes. come on in, little bird. do you need something?"

magpiepaw's voice sounded so far away but they shake their head, trying to latch on to it. focus.
​

 

[Magpiepaw]

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His throat feels suddenly tight as if something had looped itself around him in a vicegrip and squeezed, his mouth opens to speak but not a sound comes out as he flounders there for a moment under his own unease. It was very hard to ignore the still very visible lines of gnarled pink wrapped around the leader's neck and looking very much like the roots of a tree burrowing deep into the earth. Magpiepaw feels sick suddenly, an oddity for him as he's never really batted an eye before at injuries but this one is fatal and his mind know its. He knew what death looked like, what sort of seeping wound and burst flesh would signify a cat not long for the world and to see those signs on one still living made his fur prickle along his back in horror - it was hard to wrap his head around it.
"I wanted to check on you." He says finally, tone thick with weariness and he swipes a tongue around his maw as if the gesture will soothe the sudden dryness in his mouth; it was a little upsetting. "I...saw you touch StarClan."
In the same way Little Wolf had rose to walk away from her body, Chilledstar too had lifted an ethereal and star-crusted head only to be drawn back down unmoving; what kept them anchored, he wondered, what was it that made nine lives work? They were thoughts that plagued him often since, was it painful to have your soul split in such a way, to die and not die? Death itself was painful, yes. Dying again and again, truly. But what of the spirit? How did it go unbroken?
"....are you okay?"

————— ⸸ looks like the stars won't shine much longer ———— ⸸ so give me your hand

• OOC can go here.
• 
  
  
  Magpiepaw
  —⊰⋅ MCA of ShadowClan
  —⊰⋅ He/They
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  —⊰⋅ Black tom w/a white throat and blue-violet eyes.
  —⊰⋅ Has mild cerebellar hypoplasia (Wobbly cat syndrome)
  
  

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

sometimes chilledstar forgets about how deep that the connection to starclan is for medicine cats are. maybe they're supposed to have one, too, but it's not nearly has connected like a medicine cat. the mention of seeing their soul makes them blink curiously, head tilting at the thought. their gaze focuses in and out and they can still see it. their own body laying on the floor, like magpiepaw did. difference was, he saw their starry form like they did. watched them leave and return to their body. they... don't quite like that. it couldn't have been a fun experience for the medicine cat, as it certainly wasn't for them.

"stars... i didn't realize you could see that, magpiepaw. I'm sorry."

they twitch their tail, with a soft shrug.

"i... am okay as i can be. not every day you see your own dead body on the cold floor, unable to come back until starclan heals the very wound that takes your life in the first place. it's... weird I guess. are you okay? you had to witness it. I've seen it before. I'll see it again. I can deal. how are you dealing?"
​