private wander free // ferndance

[splashdance]

The reveal, for Snowypaw, had been grand. For one, the she-cat was forced to confront the fact that Needledrift, in some way, wasn't her mother. She is, with all intents and purposes, a dutiful parent and a well loved one at that - but she hadn't been a part of the pair that created the black furred she-cat. Secondly, she's not firmly ShadowClan, however not dissimilarly to how many cats are not purely of the shadows, either. Chilledstar has let so many rogues in recently that the revelation would've meant nothing if her sire was a mere passerby - but (and for a final take,) he is a RiverClan cat. Separated by tall oaks and other Clans, she has family out there. And all at once, her world fractures... but it does not shatter.

It's been weeks. She joined the gathering in her sixth moon in hopes of seeing her supposed father, however to no avail. She wants to meet him, to share her experiences as the final apprentice made at the youthful age of four moons. She wants to experience the pride and excitement of a third parent - for surely if ShadowClan doesn't care much for her, then he does. Her existence is irrefutable and surely the love meant for her must be out there, somewhere, if not held terribly by her mothers and plethora of siblings.

"Mama," she greets Ferndance in a way that's unlike herself. She's already made her decision. A child once foolhardy, a follower for every meaning of the word, never meant to forge a path that was not already predestined - she longs for the world outside of their marsh. She longs to swim, to fish, to eat something other than frog (though she knows she's long to miss it.) Snowypaw does not fear the way her mothers or siblings may react. She knows what she will do, and unfortunately she will do so regardless of how they feel.

"I want to meet him," she says, softly, without prying ears erring too close. She leans against the warm furred shoulder of her mother, "I... I think I'd like to live with him, too. If they'll have me," she continues. Snowypaw looks up towards Ferndance, and doesn't let her gaze waver. "I want to explore, Mama. I hope you understand?" ​

 

[FERNDANCE]

Revealing the truth of her children's lineage to them had been a risk that the she-cat herself had been anxious about taking, but keeping secrets felt harsher than risking the consequences of her actions. Her own parents had lied about why they'd put her in a clan, even if she didn't love them any less, it was difficult to forget about them whenever she saw them over the borders; a part of her should've been mad they'd hidden something from her, the same part she feared would be more present in her offspring. A soft smile appeared on Ferndance's maw as Snowypaw walked up to her, her head tilted curiously at how she addressed her. 'Fleabounce's training?' They often said that apprentices would begin to take after their mentors, but... Fleabounce never seemed that assured. Then, Snowypaw opens the floodgates.I want to meet him. 'Pikesplash.... you'll love him. We can sneak out and-' I'd like to live with him too..

The she-cat fell back on her haunches, one paw wrapped around her daughter, likely to bring the apprentice tumbling closer. She looked down and stared wistfully as if the she-cat had already become a figure of her distant imagination. Her blinks were slow, unsure of which one would be the last before Snowypaw vanished. Her heart fluttered with a funny feeling of loss, the pangs doubly painful as she realised it was a loss of her own making. Wanderlust had not left the ticked tabby, even as she was stuck in the same routine within ShadowClan. She didn't doubt that, one day, it would be her seeking to explore again, but... knowing her children wished to flee the nest before her was an odd sensation. She wanted to go with Snowypaw, she wanted to take all her children with her to live a life only possible in fantasy. "The second best thing in my life was exploring, living without borders, having the freedom to eat when you please, and sticking true to yourself, it's... wonderful. To experience it once is to never wish for normalcy again. But, the first best thing will always be my kittens. When they're happy... I'm happy. I'm sorry your happy place was not with us, but... I'll learn to understand." A part of her already did - ShadowClan was a beast best tamed by escapism or escape, if one could not commit to the former, then the latter was the only way.

Her ears flattened, her eyes growing blurry as she finally allowed herself to blink, confident Snowypaw would not slip away as her paws remained on her. "Sorry, I feel... weird." 'Why am I grieving? She is doing nothing wrong.' Her legs shook somewhat as the realisation kicked in, her long tail wrapping around them to still them. 'I cannot see her again in the same way... We can no longer hug or laugh or cry, I cannot comfort her when she gets sad or make her laugh when she gets angry. It'll all be up to Pikesplash...' Pikesplash, who had not yet been told about Snowypaw's plan. "I... will always be your mother, but... I don't know if RiverClan knows I'm Deacon's sister, but... my sibling killed Smokestar and RiverClan Warriors... it puts you in danger to be related to them... and to me." Besides, if the nature of their secret got out, StarClan knew what would happen to Blood, Bone and Shade, all half-clan, all just unorthodox enough to be cast out for the codebreaking of someone who cared very little for codes.


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[splashdance]

Her mother drags her in closer - an embrace so impossibly tight that it makes Snowypaw rethink her incoming actions. She will miss this, she is certain. She will miss her mother's laughter, the warmth of her siblings after a long day, watching her younger three tottle about and learn the land... She'll miss every second of it. But Snowypaw wants to think she knows herself better than to be so flimsy. She's sat on this idea for days, weeks even - she cannot change her mind so easily.

She holds herself close to Ferndance, a sorrow filling her heart despite the excitement that tries to chase it out. Her mother regales her in a short tale, of a lesson to be learned; that happiness manifests itself in funny ways. And although she will miss her dark furred child, she will be happy knowing that Snowypaw is following her heart. "I wish my happy place could be here, Mama, I really do," she murmurs, and she settles with her weight against the other. The embrace doesn't end, and much of her hopes it never will.

"It's okay," she breathes, not realizing how tears have started in her eyes, too. There's a long silence between them and Snowypaw debates falling asleep, then and there, when Ferndance speaks again. There's a spark of concern, fear, confusion - but Snowypaw does not let it frighten her terribly. "I won't mention you. As far as RiverClan will know, you're faceless. I... I have siblings to protect here," she insists, presses on, "If they're even half as kind as a badger, then they will live and let live and not push me for more. I pray that I will be enough..." though now she worries if she will ever be.​

 

[FERNDANCE]

'I wish my happy place could be here too...' She had everything most could ever want in ShadowClan: a mate, kittens, and enough trinkets to be a fire hazard. But, it was the only thing that kept her going in the clan, the only thing that tethered her to their ideals. A cruel reaction to pregnancy had been enough to sever the feelings of loyalty that culminated during her time as a Lead Warrior, now all that remained was a desire to do right by those she loved. "I wish I wasn't faceless..." Her ears drooped sadly. "I don't want to hide my pride in you for being true to yourself. You deserve to know your family loves you, even if we can no longer say it every day. I'll miss you... little one... and... perhaps in the future... if I can change the rules... We can meet again, everyone can." Pikesplash deserved to know Bonepaw, Bloodpaw and Shadepaw too - she wanted to curse the stars for their restrictions, to shout insults at them until they had no choice but to revert their strict ways. Perhaps not for everyone... just for her family - a chance to be together was the least that they deserved.

Ferndance listened to her daughter, the sudden worry that seemed to accompany her words, and felt her paw instinctively squeeze the fur upon her back harder. She let the thought linger, so heavy she felt it choke her windpipe as she tried to find the right words to say. "Snowypaw... look at your mother." The cinnamon tabby moved back less than a mouse length, but the prick of cold air against her chest was a dagger all the same - what if that had been the last time she would ever get to hug her daughter? Her limbs felt empty without anything but the floor to grasp onto. It was important, however, for blue eyes to meet green, so Snowypaw would know the whimsical she-cat's words came from a place so personal she doubted anyone else had heard it before. "You are enough. Anyone who will ever tell you that you have a home so long as you behave and be the 'model' RiverClan cat is hurting you. Be without fear in your new home, you may not be able to tell them what you are, but who you are is much more important than any of that."



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