*+:｡.｡ Bugpaw loved Meadowpaw, there was no denying that.
She loved it when her friend was happy. She loved fighting beside Meadowpaw, trusting that she'd made the right decision in the end; loved when she held Bugpaw tight and close, choosing
her of all cats to cry into when she wasn't doing ok.
Bugpaw also loved how it
felt to love Meadowpaw. The butterflies, the way questions like "Can I twine our tails" buzzed like little fireflies bursting into light, filling her cheeks with warmth that exploded pink through her ear-tips. She loved having someone to seek out in the crowd, a spot beside her always reserved for Bugpaw and vice versa, loved how soft her fur was, how warm she was, how comforting...
But it wasn't as easy anymore as it had been...before.
Although Bugpaw made a point of pulling their nests back together, the distance between them still felt so dreadfully uncrossable.
In truth...she
couldn't forgive Meadowpaw.
As much as Bugpaw tried desperately to ignore it, her thoughts always swiveled back to Meadowpaw shouting in support of Skyclaw; how she didn't immediately take her words back even as Bugpaw's mother was thrown to the ground by his supporters. Although Bugpaw wouldn't describe her anger as anything fiery or consuming, not when it was so quickly doused just by looking at poor Meadowpaw, devastated by her actions and frightened of every new step forward...
grieving...Bugpaw also couldn't deny that it was still
there.
She was still so unbearably mad at Meadowpaw.
But those feelings had to be stomped down. As badly as Bugpaw was hurt by everything, she couldn't say her pain was worse than Meadowpaw's...so few could claim that. So right now, Bugpaw's first priority would be to make Meadowpaw feel better! And...hopefully...along the way...Bugpaw can figure out how to heal herself. Or, at the very least, not be so burdened by that little gremlin of anger tangled in the fur of her shoulder.
"
Hiyah Meadowpaw!" she trills when her friend approaches. She's not surprised by the way she hangs her head, or how Meadowpaw's voice has since been snuffed down into a whisper, but it still hurts to see. Bugpaw, of course, is determined to be brighter than ever, hoping that, eventually, it'll inspire some of Meadowpaw's own light to return. "
I got us something to eat, wanna share with me?" she purrs, pushing forward the sparrow she'd grabbed from the pile.
Meadowpaw doesn't answer her question. Meadowpaw doesn't wish to share. Meadowpaw doesn't want...to be...
Bugpaw blinks. Then blinks again.
"
I'm not pretending" she says, confused, especially when something invisible reaches through the earth to dig frighteningly sharp claws deep into her stomach. She meant it when she asked Meadowpaw to be her mate, just as she meant every hug and every 'I love you!' before patrol or giggling into each other's fur at night...back before their sleep-overs ended so abruptly with the line Bug drew into the sand.
Is that okay?
The claws dig deeper, this time into her shoulder, the little monster she imagines perched there suddenly finds itself strengthened. The blood that should've drained from where invisible claws tear instead rushes into Bugpaw's cheeks - but this is nothing like the times when Meadowpaw made her blush. Instead, Bugpaw feels red-faced and whiny, like when Sunpaw bit her tail to get her to move and Flamewhisker was too sleepy to properly mitigate.
Is it okay?
NO! Bugpaw wants to scream, no it's
not okay! What did Bugpaw do to deserve this?
Pale yellow eyes search Meadowpaw's, but she finds no malicious intent behind her pretty - stop thinking they're pretty! Stop it! Stop it! - green eyes. The rational part of Bugpaw believes Meadowpaw doesn't want to hurt her, but it
does! It does because what did Bugpaw do wrong? Did Meadowpaw think this was all a game? Did Bugpaw hurt her feelings so bad she didn't want to "play" anymore? But that's not fair, because Bugpaw was doing so much to make things better
for Meadowpaw!
Was that not enough?
Was Bugpaw not enough?
Did Meadowpaw just not need her anymore?!
Did Bugpaw not play the game right, was Bugpaw in the wrong, was Bugpaw the bad guy and she just didn't realize it?
How can that be when
Meadowpaw was the only bad guy here?
Bugpaw takes a sharp, shaky breath.
"
Oh um - ah! Yeah! It's okay" she swallows thickly and blinks hard, but her throat still feels tight and her vision still blurrs. It hurts, and she's so angry but...she can't deny that a piece of her is relieved. The part that's still mad at Meadowpaw rages on in the back of Buggy's head and, truthfully, that...wasn't fair to Meadowpaw, either, was it? To be mates with someone mad at you, even though they tried hard to stop it...that wasn't nice.
But...but still...
Bugpaw wanted
not to be mad, wasn't that enough?
She wanted to find a way to go back to the butterflies and the fireflies and she wanted to find that path again
with Meadowpaw by her side she...she wanted....
"
We're always going to be birds of a feather, don't you worry!" Bugpaw purrs, smiling so hard she has an excuse to close her eyes as she lifts the sparrow she brought for them to share. "
I guess break-fast is the best time for a break up, huh?" she adds, giggling. She wracks her brain for more jokes, but all she can think about is that gap between their nests, if Meadowpaw will still want Bugpaw to hug her when she's sad, if Bugpaw's allowed to ask
Meadowpaw for a hug now that she's sad. It had been fun figuring out what they can and can't do as mates...Bugpaw wasn't excited to figure out what was and wasn't allowed now that they weren't.
No more finding eggs together...no more being
plant-tonic no more having a special person to twine tails with.
Oh, Starclan...they never even got to touch noses yet. Bugpaw had been too excited to finally ask to nuzzle her first mate so badly and now-
"
Oh um - hear that? I think - ugh - I think Falcon-h-heart is calli-ing me" Bugpaw giggles, backing away, failing to hide her sudden assault of hiccups "
You eat up, oka-ay I'm - ill be - ill see you - um - later"
There are a lot of reasons why this needed to end, and though no longer being mates didn't mean they couldn't still be close...for right now...
Bugpaw just wanted to cry.
-
-
GENERAL:
♫ Bugpaw
♫ DFAB— She/Her
♫ 6 moons — Ages
♫ Daughter to Flamewhisker and Flycatcher
♫ Sibling to Falconheart, Stormfeather, Lilykit, Butterflykit, Scorchedpaw, Squirrelpaw, Sunpaw
♫ Thunderclan — apprentice
♫ Apprenticed to Falconheart
COMBAT:
♫Physically easy | mentally easy
♫ Attack in bold pink
injuries: None currently
