private WE CAN LET IT ALL FALL // hawkspine

[spicepurr]

Spicepurr waits. There's a rattling in her chest, an uncomfortable clench in her lungs as she takes one breath after the next - seemingly normal by all accounts, but a painful existence to be.

Edenberry had let her be, after their short conversation. It seems bringing up the new kitten had wedged discomfort between them. The younger sibling rarely held the elder at an arm's length yet as soon as the misunderstanding is placed between them, it's all Spicepurr can give. It's as if claws are scored into their hearts, but perhaps thankfully for Edenberry, Spicepurr had found herself to selfish to focus on the pain that formed in emerald greens. She could only focus on her own splintering heart that her niblings were still missing, scattered to the wind by twoleg paws. Would they ever return home? If they did, would Edenberry tell the truth - would she, if she must?

And now, with the other wandered away, she waits. Her dull gaze floats over the entrance to camp, her fur ruffled at the shoulders as she waits for mottled and striped fur to make an appearance. Hawkpaw, she had called him. An epithet only a few moons to old, yet by Wolfpaw's law, is seasons apart. Did Wolfpaw know Hawkspine as he was today? Had he always been boisterous, eager to chat and form bonds - or was he at one point meek, was he someone else before Spicepurr began paying attention?

Does it matter? Why is her heart beating so fast?

She sees him shortly before he bids farewell to his patrolmates, and the pain in her chest blooms greater. Spicepurr almost mocks business, almost twists to find a new duty to tend to - Wolfpaw is safe, she tells herself. I've given myself a week. Hawkspine doesn't need to know yet... Selfish. She wants to be selfish, she longs to be selfish. If she tells him her tall tale, her truth of locating his lost sister... If they somehow are able to bring Wolfpaw home - then what does that mean for her? What does that mean for them?

Hawkspine wouldn't have time for her anymore. Their short talks as the sun sets, discussing the validity of birds enhancing one's jumping ability, or chatting about the fun in names. Their occasional patrols together, stealing glances but ultimately saying no more than necessary. (He's walking towards her. As her mind runs, races, trips and stumbles with fears and worries of losing someone else - he closes the distance between them and she hasn't any clue of what to say.) He would be wholly and entirely consumed by reintroducing his sister to Clanlife, securing her comfort in the Clan once more. He would be enjoying time with her, his long lost family, and -

Who is she to ruin that?

If Ari or Miz shown up one day - wouldn't she do the same?

You can lie. Her jaw tenses as they trade noncommittal greetings. Her stomach churns and the urge to build a tall tale of a fruitless adventure burls in her mouth, threatening to spill the longer she stays there. You can lie. Do it. Do it. Do it.

She thinks of Wolfpaw, and how happy she appeared when Spicepurr said she'd return with her family. To be selfish in this moment would be to ruin the lives of many more outside of herself. She would never begin to forgive her silence or new web of lies. Even if Hawkspine abandons her to the wayside, even if he never looks at her again... it's the right thing to do. To tell the truth and face reality for once.

It hurts. She feels her heart sinking to her stomach and despairs over the sadness that remains. Happy living is rarely for her - but at least she can provide it for others.

"Hawkspine," she says, quietly, her voice crackling under emotion. I like you, she can't say. It would only hurt more. "I found Wolfpaw."​

 

[HAWKSPINE]

As always, Hawkspine is happy to see Spicepurr. The tawny she-cat is a friend to him now, someone he takes comfort in the presence of, to the extent that he seeks her out for conversation. His efforts in finding a sparrow for his first meal of the day haven't shown any particular results yet, but he's determined to find some truth to the silly gossip they'd once shared. Especially now, when he's caught a fresh one to add to the prey-pile, the topic of which he muses on light-heartedly as they exchange greetings.

Spicepurr, however, seems on edge, and Hawkspine feels the need to tread lightly. He doesn't fear the other warrior's anger, but he is concerned by it, and the croak of her voice makes him ache in sympathy. Why was she hurting? Why was he hurting in sympathy?

"I found Wolfpaw."

All at once, his world grinds to a halt.

Wolfpaw had been missing for moons now. They'd barely been halfway through their apprenticeship when the Twolegs had stolen her away. Hawkspine barely remembers that day, the wound stinging when his thoughts brush by, recoiling from the memory as fleeting flashes of his littermate's yowling and Coyotecrest disappearing into the undergrowth reach out to him in reply.

Hawkspine remembers the tassels of fur hung from her face, the ears that he'd chewed on hard enough to earn a yelp more than once. He remembers the games of warrior they'd played, Wolf ... oh, StarClan, he can't remember the name they'd used in those mock battles so long ago. The exact colour of his eyes eludes his brother, and Hawkspine's chin dips under the weight of that knowledge.

He feels sick. Should he go and get Howlfire? Blazingheart? Orangestar? But Spicepurr had told him. The day stretches before them, Hawkspine's spiky pelt bristling with a nervous energy that he hadn't shown in some time.

The words feel like gravel in his mouth, but he has to know.

"Show me?"
​

 

[spicepurr]

She watches it - the way his expression falls from grace. The way he greets her with a jovial smile, with a tale to follow behind no doubt, and yet she cuts it all short. Is it selflessness that drives her? To push him to an edge that clutches him with gnarled claws, to inflict him with a reminder of his pain? Or is it selfishness, to force him to embrace the suffering with her? To acknowledge the want to be close with him, but force him away so brutally so that he may collide with a thorn-trestled wall instead?

She lowers her gaze as he ruminates in his thoughts. Spicepurr cannot discern her own weeping emotion, only that in some way, she is doing this for him. She is doing this because she is tired of lying (but is she not still, in sending her sibling away with a promise, in denying him her truth?) She commits to the struggle because it is all she knows.

"Tonight," and this promise she will keep. "It's... a long way, Hawkspine. Eat a full meal. I'll see you before the daylighters leave," and before he can inquire anything more, she turns and parts on her own, her short tail sweeping low to the ground.​