private we grew up too slowly .. hazecloud

[lichenstar]

The idle hum of crickets and cicadas was near obnoxious.... They were so loud and in such great number. It wasn't unlike the clans; they took up the entire forest between the five of them, not including whatever strays mingled about without any allegiance to a group. It was a cycle of possession that wouldn't avoid bloodshed because greed always won out... greed and selfishness. A small frown tugged at the corners of their lips, gazing blankly across the river where one might find ThunderClan on just the other side. The sour loss of Sunningrocks was not lost on them... it was just another painful reminder of that greed and selfishness, what it had cost... who it had cost.

The Great Battle was doomed to repeat itself for time immemorial. No one seemed to realize that. The memories of that time were haunting, the coppery stink of blood that coated the battlefield, the screams and yowls of exchanged blows, whispers of dying breaths. The terrible sound of teeth meeting flesh.

Ripplesnap hadn't come away from it unscathed... and with a fury they couldn't quite remember completely... it blurred out most of it.

Letting out an exasperated breath as a blink finally pulled an escape from that train of thought, the RiverClan cat looked down at their reflection in the moving water. It was recognizable enough... Not much had changed since then. Scrunching up their nose in frustration, the molly dashed a paw their the water in irritation, watching the way it distorted their face. They'd placed so much faith in this clan and it was failing... losing...

They were failing too.

Standing up and stretching to release the tension in their shoulders, the blue point glanced around before deciding to follow along the shore's edge for a spot where they hadn't already scared off the fish. Might as well not waste the entire afternoon sulking around...

@hazecloud​

 

[hazecloud]

Home had begun to feel like a mixed bag to Hazecloud, and it had started long before they had to relocate from the flood. The marsh colony had been admittedly easier to live within than the new Clan lifestyle they had begun to adapt to. Though Briar had been rather bloodthirsty and violent, life wasn't... awful? She would have easily preferred Briarstar over staying wherever her parents deliberated anyhow. They had made the choice for her and her siblings at a young age to live in the marsh. Had encouraged them to gain the favor of the now late leader. Hazecloud had despised the methods they used to gain recognition through their children's skill, but ultimately followed through with it.

Despite how much she tried to rebel against her parents even then, she would never have anticipated the cat she was now. So much more confident in herself, so comfortable with her place in the Clan. Without the threat of her father, who she had feared far more than her mother, Hazecloud rarely found herself missing him anymore. Maybe just the occasional twinge when talks of the Great Battle occurred. Remembering how her family had watched his demise, subsequently the reminder of how vicious Chicorybite had turned for their favor.

There was, of course, another loss that easily rivaled, if not exceeded what she endured from that war. One that simply couldn't be forgotten over time. Only ever avoided by distance.

Moments between the two were often fleeting, interactions entirely indirect. Hazecloud was sure Lichentail only ever tolerated being in the same general vicinity of her out of obligation. With how things had gone between them, she couldn't blame them. She had been scared, maybe she would even now too, from the reactions they would receive. Foolishly she had admitted Lichentail wasn't worth the scorn of someone who might as well be a stranger to her. Now she had earned their ire as well as her mother's disappointment still.

But where else was there to go? She couldn't leave RiverClan, would never think of it. Once she had thought she could wait for her mother to join the stars with her father before seeking Lichentail's affections once again, but that was hardly fair. Not to herself, especially. Not that she believed she deserved fairness.

When she had paced down the bank, keeping her shadow opposite of the river, she noticed Lichentail's approach by scent before seeing her. A thick patch of reeds separated the two, she wouldn't have even noticed the other warrior further down the river. The silvery cat glanced around, unsure of what to do. Would Lichentail even entertain conversation with her? She doubted it. They hardly even looked at her anymore. She didn't want to hide though, it would be obvious she was running away, and that would make her look even more pathetic.

It's a gamble, but she would take it. Hazecloud would continue her hunt, remaining where she was and keeping herself focused on what moved below the surface. When Lichentail would finally break past the reeds, she would make the move to greet her. Subtle. A small twitch of her tail in acknowledgement. "This side of the rivers been fuller lately." An unspoken invitation. She wanted Lichentail to stay.​

 

[lichenstar]

It was exceptionally unfortunate the wind had chosen to blow the way it did this moment. It had dragged her scent down the river, as it was wont to do, and shared in her presence with one she'd rather avoid. It was a cruelty of fate to constantly force them into proximity and Lichentail was honestly unsure if she'd ever be willing to let go of the subject. It was always at the tip of their tongue when that pretty pale molly was nearby... Questions with answers that wouldn't do anything to sate her anger... her grief.

No 'How could you?' or 'Why didnt you?' would have a reply that would soothe them.

But still she always wanted to ask...

Was it ever going to be worth it?

The surefire response would be a frustrating 'it's complicated' and complication only proved to drive her absolutely mad. It didn't have to be complicated, as far as Lichen was concerned. In fact, it was incredibly easy! She'd hardly been able to keep her mouth shut in her gushing to her twin, certain it was real. Certain it would last forever.

Her brows furrowed as the other spoke... an open-ended invitation that begged for a moment of her time. Eyes that yearned for just a second to explain, to apologize... or maybe she just missed the quiet company the blue point used to offer her.

Thinking about how dourly Dovepaw had hissed back at Ravenpaw when the apprentice was only trying to offer support, she wasn't seeking to have that kind of permanent feud. As much as Hazecloud was selfish and stupid and stubborn.... she was still beautiful. Even from a distance.

It made her entire chest ache.

But she would be mature. And feign a sense of confidence and just a general amount of 'I've moved on' energy that would send the message that mattered. Hazecloud had her chance and had thrown it away. That wasn't anyone else's fault but hers.

Padding closer, she twitched an ear to try to dismiss some of the tension already building back up in her shoulders. Why was it still so difficult to talk to her? "I would loathe to get my paws wet for nothing." Sitting down harshly and rigidly, Lichentail couldn't name the last time they'd bothered to sit so close together. Probably since before the move to the temporary camp? Even longer still... Had it really been so long as the Great Battle? It was entirely possible; as selfish as it was, Lichentail had been more than happy to leave her to suffer the loss of her father all on her own. If she'd rather fear him than love her, maybe it was cosmic justice.

"Water's getting warmer..."​

 

[hazecloud]

The moments the spread between her invitation and Lichentail's response held Hazecloud's breath. Cowardly still she didn't take her sights off the waters, masquerading her avoidance with intent focus. Truthfully she had lost track of anything she might have been ready to pounce on before. A single simmer of scales in the sunlight hardly distracted her from the tightness in her throat. Predictions spiraled, would she even entertain a response? At this point Hazecloud would take the scathing words Lichentail reserved for the cats across the river if it meant she was speaking to her.

The breath she was holding finally exhaled when she heard steps come closer, and at last a voice to pair. Hazecloud was surprised at how short the space between them was. The sweet scent of tree sap once comforted her. Eased her anxiety into little pebbles to skip across. How pitifully sweet, the memories helped the pressure even now.

She can't help but read more into Lichentail's words. Poor habit from her mother, but she wondered if it was any sort of dig toward her like she anticipated. Still, she stood straight while rolling her shoulders back. "I know." She swallowed the words she wanted to say.

I've already wasted your time before.

She doesn't want to mention anything first. In case it put a risk to her time, even if it might be brief, with the other. Any moment she had to approach on what had happened, to try and make amends, Hazecloud always turned away last minute to run from the conversation. Sand filled her mouth the moment she found the courage to take the first step. Now it had been so long, so much had changed since, Hazecloud doubted it would even be worth the discussion. She couldn't imagine Lichentail hung up on a cat like her, she was confident the blue point had little to feel about their relationship now.

She gave a small sideways glance as the smokey she-cat tucked her paws in closer. "Warm enough there's been more cats than fish lately." Her weak attempt at some jesting. Though her voice fell a little flat she still drew a small giggle from herself. A mix of her nerves and actually humoring herself. "The iris have all bloomed for the year, did you notice? They're gonna wilt soon... I was planning on visiting the fields to bring some back before sundown."

A quick swipe of her paw sends a small splash. Her balance goes a bit unsteady, but just for a moment, and the she-cats paw ascends with a young perch. Hazecloud took a deep breath as she held the fish down, keeping it from flipping back into the river. "If you aren't busy after this," She continued, her voice breathy from the poach, "would you like to come with me?"​

 

[lichenstar]

Lichentail wondered if every word tasted like poison the way that Hazecloud seemed so meek now. Her normally proud and projected voice shrinking to that hardly above a mouse's gentle squeaks. There was a part of her that relished in that thought.... That Hazecloud felt small and pathetic sitting next to her. That it was a sour reminder of just how much she'd lost in that single dumb choice.

That isn't fair.

It was cruel... and not worth considering further.

The struggle to have and hold a conversation was as tense as one could imagine. Words squeezed out just barely past nervous lips, body stiff and uncomfortable as they struggled just to sit so close. It made her feel queasy... and stupid... It was just Hazecloud. Why did that matter still? The breath of a more carefree girl pulled her back to the reality of the conversation. It was a laugh. Had they shared a genuine one recently?

Without even realizing it, a small smile had found itself on her face, pale eyes still gazing at the river and the lazy shadows of potential prey below. Hazecloud strikes a well-placed paw towards those dark spots and finds purchase in the side of a fish. It is at this same time that she murmurs quickly about her plans later in the evening. Something about the blooms... visiting at sundown.

Leaning forward slightly over the water's edge, the molly waited with baited breath for two reasons. One, to wait out what Hazecloud was getting at, but also, two, not scaring away this fish. A small splash in the water creates a messy arc towards the shore, prizing them a second catch and a question for her to answer. Busy was such a funny word to pick, knowing how Lichentail was about working. It hardly seemed like there was ever a moment where it was done, that leisure had a place for her. She thought fondly of when her and Pikesplash had found a moment to screw off in the river...

Maybe... it wasn't such a harm to rest sometimes. Just for a moment.

"I think I can spare the last bit of daylight," she answered, bending down to end the wriggling shad's floppy life. Would be a waste if it just jumped back into the rapids...

"These should suffice to buy us a break..."​

 

[hazecloud]

Is she pushing her limits? The moment she admitted wanting Lichentail to spend time with her, the feeling of guilt made itself comfortable. Tucking itself into the pit of her stomach. She knew she had no right to ask for the molly's time, that Lichentail had the authority to reject her. Selfishly, once again, she acted on what she wanted.

She wanted her friend back. Even if it wouldn't be all the same as before. She missed her, the time they would spend either in long stretches of silence or raised voices of excited chatter. Lichentail knew more about her than her own siblings because she had held full faith and trust that she would honor that privacy. Even when things had gone so terribly between them, she never heard a hint of her secrets spread. She had remained honorable. She wanted Lichentail to know she was sorry, that she still valued her as a friend, or even just a peer if being friends was too much.

The words were always difficult to find. Silly. Hazecloud could talk her way into the crowds of her Clanmates and make friends with a fox if she tried, but she was spinning for the right thing to say now. She's going to say no. The thought persisted while she sank her teeth into her catch until it stopped writhing beneath her paw.

"Yeah?" The surprise showed from the lilt in her voice. She looked between their prizes and nodded in agreement. "We can keep one to share. The other can go to one of the riverside patrols to carry back to camp." Hazecloud felt jittery from the unexpected turn. She had doubted so much, the surprise had lifted some of the guilt that had settled. Already she thought of the fun they would have in the fields, jumping to anticipate trailing back into calling each other friends.

"There's a bit more than iris there, too. Could bring back a whole bouquet to surprise the apprentices with. Okay, let's head out then!" Hazecloud's voice sounded airy as she spoke her thoughts. Her presence now in whatever future she was imagining rather than present.

She lifted the perch in her jaws, head high from the excitement as she made her path before Lichentail had time to change her mind. She carried herself lightly through the reeds and tussocks, politely resting her catch in the small pile the patrol had begun. Of course she couldn't leave before making idle chatter with the patrol lead, warmly passing greetings and good wishes before leading Lichentail onward. She doesn't wait for it to fall silent between them.

"So... what have you been doing lately?"​

 

[lichenstar]

The shrill raise in octave of her voice was almost enough to make them flatten their ears against the sound. It was.... akin to a child shrieking in delight. Quirking a brow slightly before dragging sky-colored eyes back to the fish they'd caught, letting Hazecloud ramble. They moved so casually to move their catch and wander away from her excited chittering one could easily question if they were properly listening. The scaley creature hung lazily in their maw as they turned an expressionless mask back towards her.

Did she expect Lichentail to answer with her questions with dinner in their mouth?

A lazy ear flick was all they offered to communicate this suggestion... 'Am I supposed to answer now?'

The two moved down their path towards field of delicate flora as the cheerful girl engaged in idle passing chatter with the hunting patrol; any trace of awkwardness she reserved for the blue point was not to be found in the harmless exchange they shared. Then it was back to the business of entertaining her ex (Hazecloud likely found this a practice in emotional burdens).

There was hardly a moment of silence before the gray lady had to speak to break it... an inquiry.

She shook her head, grumbling around the fish between her teeth, "You live here too.. you tell me."

It wasn't like Lichentail had a secret double life somewhere hidden inside of RiverClan... Hazecloud went to the same gatherings and meetings and patrols that she did. How was one even supposed to answer that?

"You and I both know the answer is 'making sure Ripplesnap doesn't get faerself into trouble.'" A little softer... a little kinder.. a little more patient.​

 

[hazecloud]

Hazecloud had realized a little bit too late she was making conversation in a very inopportune moment. A shad between her jaws, of course it wouldn't be easy to speak. Her ears flattened sheepishly, keeping her eyes on the paw-trodden path ahead of them. There's an agonizing pause, and another bubble of nervous laughter chokes at Lichentail's first reply. So nothing had really changed, after that? Over-imaginative from her pressured doubts, Hazecloud had pictured something... bigger. Something that would have had Lichen spurn the burned bridge between them.

Her softer cover-up fell flat, already steeled from her stale tone.

She left it to fall silent after that. It felt like thunderstorms spinning in her chest. Clouds hung low as gloom stretched around heart.

The scent of flowerbeds greeted her, and their journey closes to an end. Alongside the iris grew peonies, blooms bright and open in loud welcoming. "Oh, wow...!" Bigger and better than last years blooming! She hurried her pace into an eager skip and she rushed to graze her pelt across the stems, knocking down some of the more ripe blossoms down to her paws.

She pulled a string of ferns to lay their fish on, the towering iris bushes protecting their eyes from the setting sun.

"You can put it down here." Hazecloud made enough room for Lichentail to join beside her. "Thank you for coming with me. I like having you around." She purred. "I miss knowing what was going on with you..." Her voice went quiet. She took her fair few bites of the shad, her ears turned to Lichentail as no sound came from her. She licked her paw to brush against the dirtied bit of fur around her muzzle. "Lichen-?" Hazecloud paused at the expression the met her sights, leaning away from Lichentail.​

 

[lichenstar]

Though it is a constant battle with their own mouth, the efforts to try to undo the sharp tone they projected did little to protect the dandelion-fragile heart of the blue lady beside them. Though it was hard to speak around their lunch, it didn't change that it felt... awkward... that Hazecloud was so silent. Had they been so brutal as to shove her back into a little shell? Like a clam dug up that spun equally fast to bury itself back in the sand?

They flick a frustrated ear, scolding themself for not being more thoughtful with their words. If they truly wanted to improve as an individual (for more than just Hazecloud's sake) they would need to temper it. It was not a long-lived silence though- the wafting scents of idle blooms told them before they could even see that the field had found itself lucky this spring. The water ways always made it easy for flowers to grow...

And how she moved through them like a breeze- floating by as they shifted around her. She belonged there, Lichentail thought fondly... a pretty rose amongst the field of petals.

Gingerly placing the shad on the ground, the point glanced around to admire the view of the sea of irises and other flora... It was a lovely sight. One they were glad to see even if it was at the behest of someone they struggled not to hiss at. They were about to settle in to take an eager bite (the smell had been overwhelming the entire time they were carrying it honestly... it was a torture of its own design) when Hazecloud started speaking again.

They tilted their head up to look at her from under a lidded gaze when they found their teeth gritting. Why... why did she always have to-

"Lichen-?"

"Stars damn it Haze, why do you think it's like that," they snap, voice icy as tension pulls their face into a scowl. Claws grip the dirt, trimming thin stems as their fragile host whisks to the ground with a scented cry of its demise- all over that short burst of anger. Snapping their head to look away, the tip of their tail twitches in agitation.

"Pretending this wasn't a choice you made is just.... just...."

They stand before they realize they're moving, stepping out of the pelt-brushing closeness they'd been willing to share a moment prior. "You still don't even get it." A comment made hardly loudly than a whisper, not really meant to be heard but it could be anyways- an exhale of a pained confusion.

"This was a mistake. Clearly things haven't changed. Why don't you go bother someone else, go have your fun with a new toy? Haven't you had enough fun running me around by now anyways Syren?" The hot sting that burns behind their eyes tells them it's time to leave- and quickly, if only to spare themself some humiliation. Refusing to cast a glance back for fear of how it might pluck their last string of control to see those wide leaf-green eyes staring back with just as much hurt as they felt too.

"Enjoy your lunch... and the flowers."​

 

[hazecloud]

The moment their voice snapped, Hazecloud had rushed to meet the ground with her chin. Her ears flat, tail curling tightly around herself. Her eyes darted between claws curling into the ground and glowering blue's. Both sufficiently struck her chest in panic.

-why do you think it's like that. Did they really believe she was blind to that?

Why do you think I said anything?

"I wasn't-" But she's gone. Paws already picked up to stomp away. Lichentail's harsh whisper sent her sinking into her own regret. "I do!" She begged to be heard. But the pointed blue was a wind tunnel of bitter seething. They had reached the threshold of tolerating something like her, and now came the consequences. She glanced away as Lichentail spat her former name. The last name she had lovingly called her by. Hazecloud was a name stranger to anything fond from her.

The silky-furred cat stumbled after a few paces, but didn't go far. The heat of anger was palpable, sending her reeling in place. The strings holding together any belief they could go back to what things were had snapped.

"It's not- Lichen! Lichen please come back?" She pleaded again, voice hoarse and choked from sniffles. She's selfish, she knows, because she could only think of how unfair it felt. That she had to beg forgiveness from someone who didn't want it. At least, not in any way she knew to give. "I-I want to fix things... I miss you."

She's already disappeared through the brush. Hazecloud sat in the silence, the sound of her own breaths louder than anything else. Maybe this was beyond fixing. Maybe the only solution was to live with what was left.​