west coast — blazestar

[DOEBLAZE]

❝ SUNFLOWER, CAN'T LET YOU GO ✿°.✦ ————————————
Bobbie's tired of thinking about how tired she is of laying about camp at this point, honestly. The lilac queen shifts uncomfortably; it feels as though her swollen stomach grows more every day, and the uncomfortable prickle of stares on her flesh doesn't help. Nothing draws eyes—and remarks—like a pregnant belly, she's quickly learned, and she's perceptive enough to notice the looks. Privately, the queen worries that the reason cats stare at her is that she looks and feels so lazy just spending her time strewn about camp; the nagging worry in the back of her mind that she'll be kicked out of the Clan has yet to leave her, unfortunately. It doesn't exactly help that for a cat with such an apparently good reputation, the leader is more than a tad intimidating to the lilac queen; Blazestar's towering frame and seeming absolute power within her new home leaves Bobbie a touch scared of the flame-point leader.

Hopefully, Bobbie thinks, once her kits are born and weaned she can start thinking about developing some actual skills, and become a proper warrior once they're apprenticed, assuming the Clan will keep her. Upon initially joining, she thought about staying long enough to have the kits and then leaving, but the welcoming environment is a safe haven; not nearly as nice as her oldest home, but certainly better than the loner lands. Still, if she's staying, she wants to be an actual asset to the Clan, not just to earn her keep, but ... Bobbie can distinctly remember how horribly vulnerable she felt those first terrible days out in unclaimed lands, even before the attack. It sends a shudder that the lilac queen barely contains down her spine: alone, not knowing how to hunt or fight, she'd never felt so distinctly and awfully helpless. She didn't want her kits to ever feel that way, she wanted to be able to defend them, and more than that she didn't ever want to feel that way again.

The queen makes an effort to wrench herself from her thoughts, aided, as she often is, by the sharp smell of the holly-bush by the nursery. Now's not the time to dwell on that kind of thing; she'll think about crossing that bridge when she comes to it, after she's had her kits. She casts a tired green gaze about the camp, hoping for conversation to distract her.

[penned by dejavu - ✿]

———————————— ✦.°✿ HOW DID YOU GET SO COLD? ❞ ​

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// @BLAZESTAR

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar remembers the day Bobbie had joined SkyClan. Belly swollen with kits, eyes wide with fear, haunted and hunted. She's been a quiet addition to their ranks, keeping to herself behind the holly bush guarding their nursery. Withdrawn, but not unkind. Blazestar has been watching her, wondering when the young queen might come out of her shell, but it hasn't happened yet. Not really. And he wonders if there's another reason she hasn't attempted to talk to him.

The flame point spots her sunning herself, looking tired and lost amidst the bustle of camp. Blazestar pads closer to her, dipping his head before he gets too near. "Bobbie. Nice day, isn't it?" Newleaf is fiery today, a reminder of what's to come next moon. The warmth seeps into his sand-colored pelt, down to his roots. He settles his enormous bulk beside the lilac queen, blinking in what he hopes is a friendly manner her way. "I don't think we've had a chance to talk much yet... and I apologize for that."

He flicks his tail tip before bringing the entirety of the bristling rose-gold scarf to wrap about his lower half. "It's a leader's job to get to know every single cat in the Clan. I hope you're feeling welcome in SkyClan?"​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

❝ SUNFLOWER, CAN'T LET YOU GO ✿°.✦ ————————————
Speak of the devil; as it so often has been in the busy camp, Bobbie's silent call for conversation is answered. For a beat, she almost wishes it hadn't been—for a reason she can't quite manage to place, the sight of the leader's towering frame approaching her douses the lilac cat's heavy exhaustion as thoroughly as though cold water had been poured over her, nerves rattling. Before she can even notice to stop it, the fur along her spine raises slightly, another one of those chills threatening to roll over it. Bobbie suppresses it, barely, forcing her fur to lie flat; she doesn't know it, but for a moment—for a moment Blazestar's massive flame pelt, shaggy with fur, had been another. A stupid association, she would think if she could remember that split-second fear, but ... she scolds herself. Blazestar is the Clan's leader; his word is basically law, according to Orangeblossom anyways, the least she can do is speak to him civilly.

Still, Bobbie can't stop the slight shake that rises to her paws, the subtle widening of her already-big eyes. He's being perfectly polite, friendly even (Even if only because it's his job), and she has no reason not to return it. She sighs under her breath, softly, steeling herself (Why?), and mews, "Oh .. uh, you have nothing to apologize for," the small queen dips her head, "If anything, I've been being a ... a hermit since I joined. So it's on me."

Her low, soft tone is shaky, but amusement tinges this last remark. Bobbie's ears twitch at the leader's last inquiry; debating. What she should say is that his Clan is wonderful and feels like home, which is half-true (Nothing else will ever feel like home again, she thinks)—what she actually feels is ... out of place, at best. Haunted by old ghosts, real and imagined; etched in every tall, fluffy pelt she spots in camp, in every time she hears the news a patrol found dog-scent, however stale it may be. She decides on a half-truth; there's civility and then there's being vulnerable with a cat who still scares her, "Um, y .. yes. It's always tough, I guess, changing your whole life, though, you know? New faces. New names ..." Bobbie scrambles to add, "Not that I'm complaining, o .. obviously. I'm lucky to be here."

[penned by dejavu - ✿]

———————————— ✦.°✿ HOW DID YOU GET SO COLD? ❞ ​

​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar can sense Bobbie's nervousness. Perhaps it's the rank that scares her. She tells him he has nothing to apologize for, that she's purposefully been keeping to herself since joining SkyClan. He tilts his head. "Where did you come from before this?" He wonders if she'd been a kittypet, used to Twolegs and dogs and the odd garden companion, or if she'd been a loner with few interactions with others. "I'm sure it takes some getting used to, being around this many cats."

The lilac queen seems to ponder his question, and her hesitation speaks volumes. Blazestar's brow furrows just a fraction. "It is difficult to change your whole life." He frowns. He knows very well. Kittypet to Clan leader in the blink of an eye. A happily mated tom with five kits to a lonely cat with a scrambled family in another. "Did you... live alone, before?" He tries not to point his eyes in the direction of her swollen belly, but it's difficult not to be curious.​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

Bobbie winces; her fur suddenly feels tight, as if too small for her bones. The questions feel pointed, even if they're surely innocent ones, logical questions to ask a newcomer; she didn't feel ready. Hadn't been expecting this sudden questioning, hadn't thought herself ready to tell anyone about him yet. Maybe ever. She still doesn't want to, but ... Blazestar is the Clan leader. If she lied to him and he found out, she'd be thrown out, wouldn't she? Left once again to the horrible mercy of the loner lands? She can't go there again. She won't go there again.

"I was a ... what you all call a kittypet, I suppose," she begins shakily, feeling horribly vulnerable. It feels as though her avoidance of Blazestar, conscious or not, was clearly a smart move. Because she doesn't want to tell anyone about this, but even more than that she doesn't want to be kicked out of the Clan. Bobbie steels herself and continues, "I lived with, uh, .... I guess he's my ex-mate, now." She tries to laugh, but it's flimsy and dies fast in her throat. Where the word burns like acid. "We knew each other since we were kits. He left when I fell pregnant."

She's barely told anything of what had happened; a short but honest description. It still feels raw to tell someone though, and her rounded ears burn with humiliation; telling her new Clan's leader about how she hadn't even been good enough for her kits' father to stay around? Much less anyone else? Bobbie looks down, avoiding the other cat's surely-disgusted gaze. This all felt too soon, even if it was probably the right thing to do; she just wasn't ready.
​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar sees her expression change, and he immediately feels bad for distressing her. The pale queen’s voice all but trembles as she confesses her heritage. A kittypet. “You’ll find that’s the case for most of us here,” he assures her gently. Surely she knew that, though. Surely that isn’t what’s bothering her. He waits, pensive, and when she delivers, his ears lower with sadness for her.

“I lived with uh, … I guess he’s my ex-mate, now. We knew each other since we were kits. He left when I fell pregnant.” His blue eyes are round and soft with sympathy. How heartbreaking, to be abandoned by a cat you’d known all your life—a cat meant to be the father of your kits. She’d been left all alone, stranded, without the skills to survive or keep her kits alive.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs. He leans close to press his nose against her shoulder in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. “For what it’s worth, your ex-mate sounds like a sorry excuse for a cat.” His mouth tightens, hypocrisy dripping from his jaws. Has he not done something similar to Little Wolf, who’d raised her half-Clan kits in the nursery alone, unclaimed, unsired?

He looks away, shame dark in his gaze. “My own mate and I were close. I never had to experience the abandonment you did. But she and I are no longer together, either. It’s… it’s against the warrior code.” He leaves it at that; she’ll no doubt find out about his sordid history from her Clanmates. He tries to brighten, though it’s as sad as the laugh she’d given him. “SkyClan will be home to your kits, though. They’ll not have to know the pain of abandonment. This Clan will become their family, just as it has mine.”

His family, his mate, his kits, his pride, his pain, his shame. All of that is what SkyClan has become to him. He does not tell Bobbie this.
​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

Bobbie feels a nose bump against her shoulder, a low sympathetic murmur rising in the air; which itself feels drenched with sadness, like a damp pelt that never dries. She stiffens, her spine rigid, mingled feelings rising in her heart: the old comfort of touch warring with that horrible nostalgia. The queen welcomes the sympathy at the same time as she feels guilty for doing so, heart throbbing sorely in her throat. Blazestar turns away, eyes dark; Bobbie wonders for a moment if she's done something wrong, but ... his own story unspools in words as halting as her own.

"I ... I'm sorry," She mews softly, that nervous stutter she hates creeping into her voice as it always does when she's upset; it always comes back to haunt her every time she thinks she's beaten it. How fitting. Bobbie's gaze follows the big tom's turned form, her own eyes puddles of shiny sadness, too tired for tears now. The story he tells in short words sounds almost worse than her own, she thinks; him leaving at least gave her some kind of closure, however painful. Blazestar must still have to see his ex-mate, whoever she is, at the Gatherings Bobbie's heard about. The queen's head turns down slightly as she continues, half-unsure of her own words, "That almost seems w ... worse. To love someone and not be able to be with them. I'm s .. sorry that happened."

Despite her initial misgivings of him, despite his own sadness, Blazestar still tries to console her. Bobbie's head lowers, shame burning low in her belly: she'd avoided him, been skeptical of him, and for what reason? None, really, and yet he comforts her. It's strange to the queen, to be this vulnerable, but not unwelcome; she'd been wary of the flame point (perhaps she still was), but this odd trading of sadness felt like it had bridged a gulf. The lilac cat glances over and nods, swallowing heavily, "Their family. Th .. thank you, this wouldn't be ... real if it wasn't for you."
​

// srry this is so late argh