pafp what if you die and I'm still here

[Squirrel]

@leopardcloud

Time dampened the impact of many things. It made you forget how bad your pain had been, brought fogginess to memories from your past, and made loss into something tolerable. The knowledge of what was approaching was supposed to help; in a way, it did. Squirrelkit didn't think about her sister's impending death; she let the slow pace of time distract and lull her into a false sense of calm. She didn't have to worry about it because it wouldn't happen for a long, long while. Unfortunately, just like the tortoise and hare, the slow pace caught up to her and left her behind.

Squirrelkit didn't know what she'd been feeling the past few days. It was the tightening of her lungs and the sudden awareness of her heartbeat. The unending frantic panic struck in the middle of the night. She could be fine one moment and a wreck the next, unsure of what she needed to do to get better, to feel better. She had been so stupid and stuck in optimism. She couldn't move sometimes when her mind came alive and went at her, telling her everything she had done wrong. She could only huddle in place, in her nest, and focus on trying to breathe. Her sister was going to die, and there was nothing in the world she could do about it. Squirrelkit was going to lose her sister, just like her sister had lost her momma, and her momma's momma had lost hers.

Little grey paws took Squirrelkit flying across camp and into the elders den, her chest heaving under the weight of her worry and unsteady breath. She could hardly see through the haze in her eyes, tears close to following the already matted paths of fur beneath them. " I.. I, uh. M-Leopard? " Her usually upbeat voice was thick and dulled with an emotion she didn't even know how to name. " I... um- I, um, um... " She didn't know what to say, what to choke out, as she looked at her sister. Saw her prone and weakened. " Oh, Leopard... "

She couldn't help the scrunching of her face as she grew overwhelmed, nor the tears that flowed. She didn't even know if she could lay with her sister now. She was so worried about hurting her. " I-I-I-I... " She couldn't speak. The kit flung herself forward, burying her face in the fur of her sisters's stomach. What was she supposed to do when she was going to be almost all alone?
​

 

[leopardcloud]

Only the soft wheezing of barely-there breaths would be evidence of her hanging on to what she had left of lifeblood, her heart hammering in her chest as she hears her precious daughter call out to her. The cusp of 'mama' on her lips, a mistake but still the truth- Leopardcloud was her mother in reality, but was known as her sister. The very fact that Squirrelkit still saw her as her mother was heart-warming nonetheless, but it terrified Leopardcloud. When the time came, when she was ready to leave her body to Mother Earth and join StarClan in spirit, would she be able to let go? Or would she wander this world, without purpose? She blinks weary green eyes, groaning softly as her beloved 'sister' lays upon her stomach. She had no strength to flinch at the pain, thankful for it. "You're getting too big to be doing that, little one.." She hushes the child's soft sobbing, her tail shakily stroking over the she-cat's cheek.

She never thought she would die so early in her life, but her mother had- and so did her grandmother, and so did many more. She had told Thistleback the truth of her illness, of how it was genetic; that they needed to look after Squirrelkit, because she could be next. The idea of her beloved child going through the same thing she did, even if it wasn't set in stone- what kind of parent would wish that fate on their children? "Your brother.. He's with Thistleback, isn't he?" She asks softly in question, sick-blind green eyes shifting around the den but finding nothing but darkness in the night. Her head rolled weakly against the ground, and a soft hiccup of a sob left the woman. "Oh, Squirrelkit..." She whimpered out, her own sadness and regret evident. "I'm okay, I'm okay-.. No need to cry, little squirrel. You don't.. You don't have to say anything. I know." She meows softly, muscles twitching from the stress. She wanted to hold her beloved daughter close, wrap her paws around her and hug until Squirrelkit didn't have to feel sad anymore. How does one teach a child to say goodbye? She didn't understand how, either.

"Though soon it is goodbye, it is not forever. Do you want to hear a story?" She asks the little molly, sniffing away her own tears.

//Feel free to have your character sit around the elder's den to listen to her story! ​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

Blazestar knows what the Clan is seeing right now. Little Squirrelkit crying into her older sister's skeletal frame, pressing a tearstained face into pale patchy fur. The leader knows he's watching a dying mother trying to comfort her only daughter, though, and there's a silver sheen of grief over his blue eyes. He sits outside of the elder's den, despair drawing his face down.

Oh, it's selfish of him, but he is seeing Little Wolf in her place, emaciated and sickly, blood crusted around her nose and eyes, her attempts at comfort both ghastly and devastating to one of their daughters.

He has to look away. A single tear streams down his face, and he surreptitiously -- or so he hopes -- presses it into his cheek fur with a paw.

Blazestar takes a weary breath, his heart breaking for Coyotepaw, for Squirrelkit, for Leopardcloud, and he draws close to the mouth of the elder's den. He settles his bulk just outside. The impending scent of Leopardcloud's death lingers like a demon waiting to steal her final breath. "I'd like to hear it," he murmurs.

- ,,​

​

 

[Squirrel]

Soothing words did little to quell the tide of grief that Squirrelkit was experiencing. She didn't know what to do or how to respond to something like this. She didn't feel like she would be able to do anything but cry. She was only a kit, she wasn't supposed to lose anybody! She wasn't supposed to lose anybody like this.

She could hardly bare to look her older sister in the eyes- her hazy, unfocused eyes. Squirrelkit managed to rearrange herself into some semblance of order, she lifted her head and tucked herself more to the side of Leopardcloud. She was shaking from the effort it took to keep herself from breaking down completely again. She didn't want anything more than to be a little kit again, tucked in like this with Coyotepaw.

" I... mhm. " She couldn't bring herself to speak, voice trembling with what she did hum out. This goodbye was forever. Squirrelkit didn't want her sister later, didn't want to have to go a long time without seeing her. Squirrelkit wanted her to stay now. She just wanted Leopardcloud to stay. Maybe if she held on tight enough, focused on her sister's words, she might get more time. She just wanted a few more minutes, if she couldn't get forever.​

 

[leopardcloud]

Blazestar's sniffling voice outside of the den makes a flash of pity cross half-blind eyes, though she doesn't say anything to him. A man burdened with the responsibility of keeping her secret, of taking care of a whole Clan. He would have to decide one day what mattered, if he truly believed her children were SkyClanners when their father came for them. She hoped he never did, hoped he would never see the two kits and recognize them. He looks nothing like either of them, so she hoped that kept her kits safe.

As Squirrelkit snuggled up beside her stomach, Leopardcloud let a deep rumbling purr escape her throat, tail tip barely twitching against the ground. She takes a deep breath, clearing her throat of encrusted blood and phlegm. "Long ago, the lands were barren of nature. No trees, no grass- just a wasteland of sand, desert for many tail-lengths. A molly and her children wandered these deserts, looking for a source of water to nurse on. Prey was barely present, and the family was close to starvation." She meows softly, a sad smile on her lips as she continues. "This molly was named Evergreen. She had a little son, named River. Her daughter, much bigger than her sibling, was named Cloud. Together, they wandered this desert for moons, surviving on bugs they find in the ground. It was a risk, traveling to find a place to live that kept them fed. But Evergreen kept going with her kits, until they came upon a lone stranger. Cloaked in fur black as night, he identified himself as Eclipse- and promised Evergreen the possibility of food if she did him a favor."

Leopardcloud coughs then, clearing her throat once more. "This favor was for Evergreen to give herself, to create a home for cats in the future. Eclipse told her, that there was no other lands outside of the desert. A life for a life, he said.. And do you know what she did, little Squirrelkit?" She asks the molly, smiling despite being unable to move.​