private Who are you really? || Chilledstar

[Snowlark.]

[ ༻❄༺ ] Snowpaw didn't know why or what compels them to go to Chilledstar about...these thoughts that kept flooding through her own mind, words of their fellow apprentice, Birdpaw keep eating and chewing at them but the anxious feeling they kept getting at the thought of mentioning it to Scorchedmoon, or her friends about things that were probably things made up to made Snowpaw doubt themselves, and that nervousness that kept flooding in that what Birdpaw had said could of been true kept knawing at her.

So, her best thought was to go to Chilledstar, right? They would know, wouldn't they? Chilledstar was much older, had experienced and...well, who better to ask than her leader? If she went to her friends about it and it turned out to just be Snowpaw doubting herself then...she didn't want to do that, not to them and the leader wouldn't tell, would they? Not without Snowpaw's permission of course, they could be trusted with a blabbing anxious thought of an apprentice of course they could.

"Ch-chilledstar...I-I...I have some... questions about well.. my dad" Those words slip out of Snowpaw's lips in a strange pitched sound, and soon Snowpaw's ears flattened on their skull feeling the pounding of their own heart vibrating in her chest and quickly the normally levelheaded apprentice shook her head as they began to awkwardly shuffle their own paws.

"W-we-ll th-that t-too, I...I wanna know about my dad, H-Hailfreckle but... Ho-how did you know y-you weren't...well, a-a she-cat o-or a tom?" Snowpaw continued to stumble their own tongue as warmth began to flush through her body at how awkward this was. Anxiety grappling through their whole body and she didn't know what to do. Would Chilledstar laugh? Or would wonder where all of this was even coming from. "E-everyone says I look like him, like my dad and..." they trailed off looking away from their own leader, her thoughts scrambling around in their head unsure how to even explain this whole mess without stumbling over every word once more.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── You ve wasted your life , but thanks for applying ──┐‎

• 
  "speak""Thoughts"
  
• 
  Snowpaw ❄ She/Her, apprentice of Shadowclan, 6 moons.
  ⭃ Lithe long hair blue lynx sepia with high white, and yellow eyes. Stubby tail, permanent resting bitch face
  ⭃ Hailfreckle x Mudsplash
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted (ask first) / / underline and tag when attacking
  ↛ see battle info here
  ⭃ penned by Ryn ↛ @/Rynnaro on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

@CHILLEDSTAR.

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

the apprentice's words were unexpected to say the least. they didn't expect to be a cat anyone really wanted to approach for their parent, and well... gender problems. their ears twitched as they settled down to sit, gently gesturing for the stuttering mess of an apprentice to do so as well.

"you do. look like him, that is. but that's about it."

they speak clearly, head tilted to the side ever so slightly.

"he was a very hardworker. a little nonsensical at times, but he lit up the place, surely. very kind and putting others before him. everyone could aspire to be a bit more like that, around here."

they hum with a twitch of their nose.

"you're great being you kid. we love you all the same."

oh, and the gender question. they didn't know how to answer that. how did they know?

"honestly, i was the age of a younger warrior. maybe around... 14 moons or so? i had always felt off in my head. but i ignored it. i had a lot going on. but more and more, anytime someone addressed me as a she cat, I felt sick. gross. occasionally, I got mistaken for a tom, too, and that didn't make those feelings go away. i asked my friends, pitchstar and needledrift, to call me gender neutral pronouns and it... felt right. for once I didn't wanna throw up when hearing myself being addressed. i know it's different for everyone, but that's how it went for me."
​

 

[Snowlark.]

[ ༻❄༺ ] Despite the swirling of her mind, thoughts so loud that it felt like everything around her was just caving in, and yet the words of their own leader cut through Snowpaw's own whirring thoughts, silencing them. She would listen, finding a place to settle down, calming the anxious feeling that screamed in her own skull. Hearing about her dad, Hailfreckle, hearing how selfless he was but at the same time a hardworker and perhaps a light to others made a slight smile appear on her maw. Oh how she sometimes wish they were still around, it made her wondered if they would be proud of her now.

Then, Chilledstar went to explain how they knew and Snowpaw's gaze drift to their own paws, unsure if it would be a good idea to tell Basilpaw or Thornpaw just yet about how she felt... off being called a she-cat, and... maybe Scorchedmoon would be the better option to tell first, he was her mentor and someone she worked closely with every day, and she was sure she could trust him with her own feeble thoughts. Yet, a sigh slip from her maw and she looked back up at Chilledstar.

"I wish I could have met them... truly, and... your friends. Needledrift and Pitchstar, its a good thing you had them to lean on when you asked...." she shifted awkwardly a bit, Birdpaw's question echoing in her head, and the feelings Snowpaw felt when being addressed as a she-cat or a molly which made a frown appear on her lips. "Its... probably silly, but Birdpaw asked if I preferred to be considered a tom, and... I guess that made me wonder so much, because... well, I don't like being considered a molly, but I thought maybe it was normal, and now I don't... know." they stated with a frown peered on her lips.

"Perhaps it was a silly thing to come to you first but, I didn't want to ask my bestfriend about it and... It could have just been her getting under my fur, make me uncertain..." Snowpaw shrugged a bit. The situation was awkward but, they trusted Chilledstar enough to discuss something like this, and Snowpaw was sure that Chilledstar would keep the feeble thoughts of an apprentice to themselves until they felt more sure of who they are or, well allow the apprentice to figure it out on their own.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── You ve wasted your life , but thanks for applying ──┐‎

• 
  "speak""Thoughts"
  
• 
  Snowpaw ❄ She/Her, apprentice of Shadowclan, 6 moons.
  ⭃ Lithe long hair blue lynx sepia with high white, and yellow eyes. Stubby tail, permanent resting bitch face
  ⭃ Hailfreckle x Mudsplash
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted (ask first) / / underline and tag when attacking
  ↛ see battle info here
  ⭃ penned by Ryn ↛ @/Rynnaro on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​