private WHY HAVEN'T I CRIED? \\ willowroot

[brookstorm]

Brookpaw idles by the stream in camp. Her tail is looped around her body as she watches the water lazily lap at her paws. Her mind is filled with too many false memories of this stream - of Buckgait and Lightningstone helping her and her siblings learn to swim, splashing in the shallows or pretending to fish. All things that never happened due to being displaced, the river formerly engorged by the floods. She was an apprentice by the time they moved home again - Lichentail taught her to swim, much to Brookpaw's disdain. And now Buckgait is...

The water by her paws is disturbed. A droplet, a single tear, leaves her eye and races downwards. A hot flash of fury surged through her and she slams a paw into where the tear landed, as if she could erase its existence. No - no, she hasn't cried yet, and she can't do it now. Much of her being finds itself suffocated by the fact that Buckgait is gone and she can't will herself to feel much more than nothingness about it. Crying now - crying now would ruin all of her lackluster progress of 'growing' without her mother. Not to mention how close she is to the nursery and many others in camp.

But the tears continue. They're slow going, and she has no sobs to accompany them. Instead, Brookpaw remains unsteady by the stream's edge, head hanging low as she watches it flow.

@willowroot ​

 

[willowroot]

( ☾ ) sometimes she looks at her life in riverclan and feels such immense regret that it almost punches her in the gut. she looks around camp, pads along the river, and sees ghosts of the past where her modern clan resides. clan cats taking trails that loners moons ago crafted, kittens learning to swim from some whose families have not been here for generations. every time the smoke feline passes a willow tree (which is unfortunately more often than she would like), it stings just a little in a corner of her heart.

it feels like every single big event in her life has her looking back at the past. she clings to scraps of those memories when everyone else has moved on. none of her original family remains- raccoonpaw has vanished, boarpaw along with them. buckgait... stars, buckgait had been so against the clans from the beginning. sometimes willowroot wishes she had supported her psuedo-sister better. how was an eighteen moon old cat with abandonment issues supposed to support their family against a whole group of cats? she had always believed that she had the best interests of raccoon, of boar, at heart. buckgait joining riverclan was supposed to be a thrilling win, but the molly never quite fit in. even as deputy, she was a contrarian- willow is convinced that cicadastar only made her deputy as a way to keep her on a leash. when she was demoted, stuck in the nursery, the molly barely even argued. willowroot realizes as the moons go by that her best friend had lost her fight long ago.

now, the spotted earthen queen is gone, stolen from those who love her by twolegs, just as ashpaw had been, just as willowroot herself had been in her kithood. buckgait is gone, leaving behind children who will barely know her, a mate with no one to help him, and a sister who regrets her choices every day. willowroot has noticed the way buck's children avoid speaking about her, how they veer away from those close to their mother. she lets it slide, but buck would never forgive her if she ignored the kits entirely. so she keeps an eye out, quietly hoping to aid whenever needed. she will never be buckgait, but she can help.

the low water in the river laps gently on the shore as willowroot lays outside of the nursery gaze fixed upon the small shape of brookpaw. hue so similar to their father, willowroot hasn't seen much of buck in them before they noticed the little white patches and the tall gait. now they see buck in everything the apprentice does. today, the girl sits, so very still, beside the stream, head bowed, shoulders slightly shaking. there is no outward evidence of upset until the queen moves closer, sees tears disturbing the water of the stream. softly approaching, willowroot purposely rustles some reeds nearby as to not surprise the girl. seating herself a tail length away, she gazes across the stream. "brookpaw," she murmurs, tipping her head to glance down at the storm hued apprentice. "can i do anything to help?"

// sorry this got longggg no need to match lol​