sensitive topics Why is it that every night I’m feeling so sleepless? ❥ Remembering pt. 1

[Petalnose]

I FIND COMFORT IN THE SOUND AND THE SHAPE OF THE HEART ⋆⁺₊⋆

//Recommend reading it all to understand her character more and a glimpse of her history but long story short she was mischievous as a kit and reckless which eventually near the end of her dream caused her family to crumble (dreaming is paragraphs 6-12)

Dawn crept up on the camp, A touch of gold bathing the territory. There was still plentiful of darkness within the morning. Some warriors wouldn't be up for a while but the other handful woke with the sun. The birds were still silent, leaving way to the frogs and crickets to finish up their chorus. Feral predators roamed the territory, racing the clock to get their last chance at prey. It was peaceful, almost silent except for the songs of the night.

Petalnose hadn't slept, she didn't try to. For her, sleeping was more terrifying than the thought of hallucinating. It was even harder for her after the battle of Sunningrocks. Even if her piece of the battle was called off early, she was still affected by it. It was her first battle after her memory loss and it terrified her to know that she didn't know her strengths and weaknesses. Instinct was all she had.

The battle hadn't just kept the tabby patched she-cat refusing shuteye. Nightmares had, that one memory had. She could still hear the roar of the monster and screaming echoing throughout her mind. She sometimes wished she completely forgot everything, no memory at all. Nothing to remember. This wasn't something she wanted to cling to. She wouldn't wish it on her worst enemy.

Petalnose was sat outside the warrior den, one of her shoulders gently pressed against it as she attempted to keep herself awake. She starred out into the stars, blinking tiredly and rubbing her tail against the ground back and forth. She zoned out in thought, thinking how her life would be if she remembered everything. If she remembered her family, her identity, love interests, friends… if she remembered how well she served her clan and if the clan took liking to her or not. She took a shuddering breath, her fur bristling. Her eyes ached but she refused to close them except for the slow tired blinks.

"Petalnose." A familiar voice called, so familiar yet so hard her mind to point a finger to. Her eyes opened a bit wider, tiredly pulling her gaze across the camp. "Petalnose!" The voice called out in frustration but with an amused laugh. Without knowing, her eyes slowly shut as if she was blinking but the sight of camp hadn't faded from her memory. She thought she was awake.

A figure loomed over her and she turned her head to look upon a brown tabby queen. Her blue eyes shone with amusement but they were also stern and motherly. "You shouldn't be out this late, owls are out during this hour." The queen scolded, picking her up by the scruff with ease and plopping her roughly down onto the nursery's nest. She sniffed, her scent brought her comfort, ease. She knew it, but she didn't. She opened her mouth to question but the queen put her tail over her mouth and pushed her down with her nose. "Shh.. Go to sleep."

Blackness swept over her and then she found herself being dragged into a leaf pile. "Rahh!" Shouted a kit, having a mouthful of her leg. "Shh! You're going to get us caught! They don't want us this far out of camp." she whispered angerly, kicking the white kit in the face but not enough to hurt them.

Then she blinked, finding herself looking up at scolding eyes. The body was only a blurry silhouette she could only guess was an authority figure, "You are breaking warrior code by leaving camp this young. You both should know that it's dangerous. I will leave the consequences up to your mother." Again, several times over she saw the scolding eyes and voice, echoing throughout her mind over and over again. She could only guess she was mischievous when she was young.

"You should know better not to cause an argument onto their territory, better yet- be on their territory! You should know better Petalpaw!" Yelled another familiar voice, another silhouette looming over her. Her chest stirred with anger and a feeling of being overwhelmed. The world around her suddenly went black. Everywhere she looked she could only see the disappointed eyes upon silhouettes, each different colors but all familiar.

And then she closed her eyes and looked up again, staring upon proud eyes. Her fur bristled with unease, expecting a scold. "You did well, Petalpaw. Thank you for defending my Kits." Her eyes softened, smiling with a purr as the queen licked her on her forehead. She dipped her head and aimed to bump her head against the queen but she fell and rolled over onto the cold hard ground. Pain pounded through her toes.

She looked up, horror striking her eyes seeing the first familiar face and the white kit laying in a pool of blood. A group of disapproving looks soon appeared, standing above the bodies. Some dipped their heads above the bodies but a handful pinned their ears at her with harsh eyes. "I didn't mean to!" She blurred out, feeling as if she had no control over her body. I didn't mean to.. what?

Tears fell from her eyes but she was frozen. Whimpers slowly escaped her throat until they turned into sobs. The world around her then went black, she begged and sobbed, reaching for the familiar lifeless bodies.

Petalnose then heard her warrior name be called, her body swaying, "P-Please.. mother." She muttered, still asleep even though the sun shined so brightly onto her tabby patched fur, "I'm sorry.. j..just.. forgive me." Tears fell from her eyes, body almost collapsing onto the ground the second time she heard her name. "I'm sorry."

// You can let your character do anything to wake her. :)

[⋆]​

​

 

[CRAPPIEPATCH]

Crappiepaw has taken notice of the sleeplessness that seems to plague RiverClan, the hustle and bustle that continues even through the dead of night. Of course, they have only recognized it because they have suffered themself, failed to fall asleep on many nights since the WindClan attack, since Koispots became a warrior and was all but ripped away from them. There is no staying up all night talking with their fellow apprentice, now; there is only silence within the den, marked by the shuffling of paws outside as Houndstride or Petalnose or whichever other sleep-fighting warriors pass by.

Speaking of Petalnose, though—what is she doing? They approach her with caution, both because she is sleeping upright under dawn’s early rays, and because she is… speaking? In her sleep? They would find it strange, label the warrior odd, except that she seems pained by the very words that she speaks.

He does not like the brown-patched warrior much, feels like their bluntness grates on one another like grains of sand. But she is still a clanmate—someone he should care about, does care about, no matter how distantly. So with a long-suffering sigh, the calico apprentice strides right up to her and aims to shove at her shoulder with a paw. Hey, shut up is the first sentence that comes to mind. "Hey, wake up. Petalnose, wake up," they say instead, voice laced with the smallest amount of concern.

Whether or not the she-cat awakes, Crappiepaw has tried their best, so they speak to her under the assumption that their shaking has drawn her back to consciousness. "Are you alright? You keep… saying things." Weird things. Like that she is sorry and wants forgiveness. Which, Crappiepaw does not think they have ever apologized or sought forgiveness from anyone in their life. Perhaps it is something they will understand better when they are older, much like the disappearances of their parents. "Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that, sweetie. You’ll understand when you’re older." Well, they want to understand now. "Why do you keep saying sorry?"
​

[ dancing in the panic room ]​

​

 

[Petalnose]

I FIND COMFORT IN THE SOUND AND THE SHAPE OF THE HEART ⋆⁺₊⋆

Quickly the dreams swept to blackness, her heart starting to race as her body attempted to wake up. She couldn’t open her eyes and become conscious to the world, still stuck in the deep blackness of her mind, murmuring more words. Then Petalnose shot up from the shove at her shoulder, her fur bristling and instinctively raising her paw to strike. She quickly blinked the tears away. Her instinct triggering fight. Although, the she-cat froze as her startled gaze landed onto the calico apprentice, her paw lowered and eyes softened to neutrality. Petalnose didn’t know how to feel towards Crappiepaw, the first impression she had with him and Ravenpaw was not the greatest but then again.. they caught her in the wrong moment. She gave them both the benefit of the doubt. But here he was, yet in another wrong moment.

There was embarrassment in her eyes but her nose screwed up as he started to question her. She was sleep talking. Her stomach dropped with fear. What had she been saying besides sorry? She attempted not to let that fear show and as much as she wanted to question it, embarrassment and annoyance overtook her. She couldn’t tell him. It’s none of your business, “I won’t say.” She answered with a tired grumble and narrowed eyes. She let her jaws erupt into a large irresistible yawn and let her fur lay flat, “Just another night terror. Guess I’m starting to remember things. It’s about time the poison leaves my brain alone.” She added mainly to herself, giving her head a shake from the stress. Her body seemed relaxed but there was a lace of trembling that came in waves and her heart raced with fright. She couldn’t believe she did such a terrible thing. Sadness loomed over her like a thunder cloud, her heart felt heavy under the quickened thumps. Her mind scolded her, I destroyed my own family.

[⋆]​

​

 

[SMOKESTAR]

He is no stranger to the sort of things that keep a cat up at night. Beneath the docile waves a stray fin will cut the surface and insight panic, fear, but just as quickly dive back down. There were always monsters beneath the depths, great coiling snake-like beasts a cat could keep buried their entire life and never show a sign of having; it was a show of composure, control. Some cats struggled, some didn't; he often had night terrors himself some time ago though they had all but stopped as of now. New sleeping arrangements helped, he wasn't going to deny that the solace of another so close by made resting easier and he felt foolish for judging nest sharers otherwise before when he was still new to the clan and company.

Petalnose was quick to dismiss the concerns. Crappiepie has already spoken to and attempted to console the other and he pauses just a tail-length away with a faint head tilt and a frown, "...everything alright here?" It is a question he knows the answer to but asks anyways. No one was alright right now. RiverClan was in shambles, licking wounds that never stopped bleeding, wallowing in misery and fear for the next thing to happen, for the next loss to hit and settle. Like the pebbles of the river they were being worn down, rubbed smooth and compliant; he despised the process, remained sharp as he could and set his focus on only the clan's recovery and not the worries that otherwise plagued every waking thought.
Petalnose remarks on her memory and he briefly the memory of the brown and white she-cat in the medicine cat den, teeth stained poison and Beesong having barely enough of a rare herb to save her life. To die in any other way than just a battlefield haunts him, but he feels as though he can strangely understand...
"Well, good to hear that. Have you been up this entire time? You'll be useless on patrols if so."
​

 

[CRAPPIEPATCH]

Crappiepaw does not know what to expect of Petalnose when they shove at her, but a raised paw, a threat, is not what they are expecting. They flinch back, hard, launching their entire body well out of the warrior’s reach—their eyes are wide, but their expression remains neutral otherwise. She nearly hit them, and she will not even give them an answer to their question. I won’t say, she says, as though that will appease them in any way. The apprentice is about to protest, but then Petalnose continues, claims that she has been struck with a night terror.

Smokethroat joins the both of them, asking whether everything is okay, and the little calico nods once, though they do not drag their gaze away from Petalnose to look at him. No, they are curious now, the need to know banging against the inside of their skull. "You were having night terrors about your mother?" They want to hear about what else she dreams about, has nightmares about, but they understand that they likely will not be receiving any further information from the bicolored warrior.

The black-furred lead warrior suggests that Petalnose’s sleeplessness may make her useless on patrols for the day, and Crappiepaw snorts, an ugly, muted noise. She is not very useful on patrols anyway, they do not say, because they are aware that such a comment would be seen as unkind, rather than helpful or observant. They do not want to anger her further, or actually receive a smack to the face. Instead, they raise their chin to look the she-cat in the face. "I hope you can still do your warrior duties." No one has been sleeping well, but they will all run themselves ragged anyway, will they not?
​

[ dancing in the panic room ]​

​

 

[Petalnose]

I FIND COMFORT IN THE SOUND AND THE SHAPE OF THE HEART ⋆⁺₊⋆

For a moment Petalnose was trying to calm herself, breathing long and deep through her nose silently. Then another question arose from Crappiepaw, she held her breath, eyes shooting wide. She was talking about her mother. She almost wanted to leap forward and cover the apprentices mouth before she questioned more. But she knew her limb would simply be chewed off. Pain struck her, she exhaled that breath and then shot Crappie a almost scolding look. But it was obviously riddance with pain and horror, her memories shooting back to the scene. Two limp bodies crushed on the thunderpath, pooled with blood that stretched a good length across it. The bodies' ribcages seemed smashed in.. flat. She had not seen so much blood come from a body. Two made it worse. She shivered and her fur bristled again, her words then meeting her scolding look. "I don't have a good reason for answering that." She growled, her voice cracking with pain. Stay out of my business.


Her stomach turned as her gaze landed on smokethroat. For a moment she convinced herself she was sick. Then she reminded herself it was just nerves. She was overwhelmed. Tired. Angry. Terrified.. her ears flicked at the question. She hadn't gotten enough sleep but she didn't see herself being able to drift right back after the night terror. Her body was already awake. Startled. Her heart was still trying to pump out of her chest. It would take a long while to drift off anyway. "I'm fine. I slept. That's what matters. After that scare I won't be drifting again. I'll go. Don't pity me." She dismissed the concerns quickly and bitterly, eager to go do something to get her mind off of it. She almost immediately stood to her paws at the inquiry, showing that she was commited to go. I don't even think I'll sleep tonight. Starclan, she hoped she couldn't sleep tonight. She didn't want to experience that again, especially around her clanmates. Luckily the she-cat had already knew how to run on little to no sleep. This wasn't her first time. Hopefully they didn't send her to Beesong. She didn't want to dream. Blackness... Nothing even sounded comforting but she didn't think her curious and questioning mind would ever allow her. It never left her bored.

[⋆]​

​

 

[SMOKESTAR]

"Crappiepaw, mind your business or I'm going to pretend I don't see her smack you." He didn't care about having talks about feelings or parental neglect right now and certainly not if Petalnose was already being so dismissive, it was clear she didn't want to talk and picking at her over it wasn't going to change her mind and then he'd have to explain to Beesong why he turned away when she knocked the usually sickly apprentice over with a cuff to the head and he was already in enough trouble with Beesong on his own. He didn't need additional things to fret over.

"Far from pity, I don't need cats about to pass out on my patrols and if you show even a slight sign of doing so you put your patrol at risk." Stars forbid she gets assigned to WindClan and tumbles into the gorge of he falling asleep causes them to take advantage of the situation. Not to mention the embarrassment of it, they'd be mocking them this blatant display of weakness. "But if you're sure, Crappiepaw can come along since he's so conveniently awake." And this is why most the apprentices avoided him early in the mornings, he did not spare them when it came to grabbing cats to drag along on duties or assignments. Now that he was mostly patched back up himself nothing was stopping him from getting caught up in areas he felt the clan were slipping on; temporary camp or not it needed to be better guarded. He could almost shudder thinking about a second attack in the dead of night, they would not be so lucky as the first to lose only one cat. Lucky...
It felt in poor taste to consider that luck all things considered. It could have been worse, but it still felt like it was. Even one loss stung sharply. The needle-like claws of grief left everyone in a poor state and if Petalnose could force it then he wasn't going to talk her out of it so long as she remained focused enough.
​

 

[CRAPPIEPATCH]

They did not like Petalnose before, and now they decide that they like her even less. They cannot help the feeling that creeps up into their chest, though—a sinking feeling, one that says they have overstepped somewhere. They have said the wrong thing, and only made her more angry. But they want to know, need to know what plagues the older cat enough to cause her to say things so clearly in her sleep. What if such a disease befalls Crappiepaw as well?

"I am being rude," he says, instead of defending himself. The way that Petalnose’s voice cracks as she speaks says it all; he may not like her, but he is not making the situation any better by digging more. Smokethroat grumbles out a warning—because apparently that is what Smokethroat does, grumble out warnings to cats who do not need them—and the calico lets out a sharp sigh. He does not fully understand what pity is, and why the she-cat does not want it, but he thinks it means he should shut up before she does smack him in the face.

Truthfully, they do not mind the punishment that the lead warrior bestows upon them. They awoke Petalnose from her awful-sounding slumber, they contributed to her sleeplessness, and so they should accompany her to ensure that she does not… slip into the gorge, or trip and make yet another one-eyed RiverClan cat by way of a stray twig. "I am awake," they concede, as though the repetition is in any way helpful. "I will keep Petalnose awake. Keep the night terrors away." The last sentence is said with a pointed look in the dappled she-cat’s direction.
​

[ dancing in the panic room ]​

​

 

[Petalnose]

I FIND COMFORT IN THE SOUND AND THE SHAPE OF THE HEART ⋆⁺₊⋆

Petalnose managed to wheeze out from amusement from Smokethroats remark despite the panic attack that was happening within her tall frame. "He's right." She warned, her voice dry from sadness but mischief gleaming in her eyes as of daring, but the deep ache of sadness still lurked over her. She could have let her instincts take over there and then from her startle of dreams, she wouldn't have regreted it. She was curious how it would have make the situation. Then, she would most likely get scolded in the midst of her panic and pain. She didn't want that and she didn't want the apprentice grouching over her more and spreading useless gossip. She raised her chin and looked down on him, not very fond of the other bombarding her with questions. Questions that felt like a fatal strike to her throat. She didn't want her mind wandering back to her terrors. She listened to Crappiepaws announcement, "Oh? No sorry?" She teased dryly, flicking her ears and looking to the sky then back down on him. "It's okay, I don't need it." She dismissed with a long sigh to herself, shaking her coat as if she was attempting to shake the emotions out of her body.

Petalnose then stretched each leg, listening to Smokethroats explanation and nodding in agreement and respect. "Sorry, sir. I understand." The she-cat answered with genuine respect. "I do really want to work and not be sitting here getting as fat as those trouts. So how about that second choice?" She glanced back down at Crappiepaw, the same mischief gleaming in eyes amongst her dull look and indifferent frown, "Just be ready to dodge my swipes, I can't help instincts."

A patrol had sounded nice, calming the crazy memories that rushed through her once viciously curious and blank mind. She wished for her mind to be blank of memories, even if she spent all of her days wondering- it was way better than knowing from her terrors. The scoldings, the trouble, the dangers and grief she put upon herself. Her heart seemed to stop, suddenly wondering if they were going anywhere near her mother and brothers place of burial. She wondered if she’d recognize it after. She hoped she wouldn’t, it would only constantly remind her of the pain stricken memory she had.

[⋆]​

​