wish I could turn back time - flycatcher

[Flamestar]

( ★ ) It felt nice, to be laying out here. A few moons ago, she had spent awhile watching the clouds with Cloudypaw. It had been a pastime that she had found great relaxation in. The past few weeks she had been really focusing on making sure her apprentice was completely ready to become a warrior, and now that she was finished she definitely needed some time alone to relax. She had a feeling that once her she had an opening for an apprentice, it wouldn't last long, so when she had found out that Flycatcher wasn't on an evening patrol she had jumped on an opportunity to spend some time with him.

She laid on her back, her gaze lifted to the night sky. They had found a clearing in the forest where they could see the stars, which was fairly difficult to do in the forest. Stars had always fascinated her, just like lightning bugs had. Were stars actually bugs in the sky? Or perhaps the glowing bugs were stars that had simply fallen out of the sky? They were kit-like theories, but they made sense to her. What else would explain why lightning bugs glowed like the stars?

The warrior let out a long exhale, listening to the sounds of the forest around them. She could hear frogs croaking, crickets chirping, the leaves rustling as a gentle breeze touched them. It was nice to have such silence...even though she loved the clan, sometimes she missed the silence of being a loner. After a few moments, she turned her head to glance at him, before returning her attention to the stars. "Do you think they are behaving for Emberstar?" Her throat tried to tighten after she asked the question, but she forced a swallow down.

​

( WHEN I FIND MYSELF ; I'MA BRING IT ON HOME )

 

[Flycatcher]

It had felt like ages since the two warriors had had a chance to just sit and relax like this, no worries of a looming war or some disaster on the horizon. Flycatcher was always happy to spend time with his family, though he knew it wasn't always so easily done what with his many duties as deputy. It was even more difficult as of late with Flamewhisker working hard to ensure Cloudypaw was ready to become a warrior. Having fairly recently watched Roeflame become a warrior, he knew and understood how time-consuming it was preparing them, but how worth it would all be to see them gain their warrior name and become a full member of the clan.

The clearing they had found themselves in had been a lucky find, as had the weather tonight. It was not so often that the sky was so clear and the stars above were so bright and visible. In some regard, Flycatcher shared his mate's fascination with the stars. Some in the clan said that the stars were all their ancestors staring down at them, those who had died during the Great Battle and beyond. Flycatcher is reflecting on these thoughts when Flamewhisker's voice pierces the silence.

He ponders her question silently for a moment. "I hope they are," He says, a sad smile tugging at his lips. It has gotten easier to speak of Lilykit and Butterflykit as time has gone on, but even now, there is a sorrowful pang in his mind as he thinks of them. Of the cats, they might have become, of the lives they may have lived. "Although knowing our children, they're most likely scampering around through everyone's paws causing havoc." Flycatcher chuckles at that thought, thinking back to when Falconpaw and Stormpaw had first been let out of the nursery and had been unleashed upon their clanmates. "I think about them a lot," He says in a softer tone. "I like to imagine what they'd be like as apprentices and the kind of mentors they might have had." There are a few cats in mind Flycatcher thinks would have made suitable mentors for them. Sunnyday might have been included in that list once upon a time but he didn't like to reflect too long on that after what he had done.

"Do you think we might have more kits one day?" Flycatcher suddenly blurted out. His green eyes flick towards Flamewhisker briefly, studying her features to gauge her reaction. "It wouldn't be any time soon of course, and they wouldn't replace our daughters, but I don't know... it's just something I think about on occasion."​

 

[Flamestar]

( ★ ) I hope they are.

A flash of pain went through her eyes, but she quickly blinked it away...bottling it up for another day. It was so unfair...their two kits should be here with them...training and learning alongside their siblings. They should have all grown up together, sparring...hunting bugs, and playing moss ball. They should be eagerly bouncing into the camp, anxious to share with her and Flycatcher what new battle move they learned. She had been thinking about them a lot lately, even more so after Sunfreckle found out that he was expecting. His next words caused her to chuckle, and an image of the two sisters tackling other Starclan warrior's paws popped into her mind. She smiled fondly at the vision her imagination formed, and she clung onto it.

"Do you think we might have more kits one day?

His question hadn't taken her completely by surprise, it had been something she had been wondering lately as well. Of course she wanted more kits someday...but she hadn't imagined that their current kits could be upset about it. Mousepaw's reaction had been the total opposite of what she had imagined...to the point where she was worried what would happen with their kits. "Of course." she responded, glancing over at him when she noticed he was looking at her. "I always imagined we would...but not right now. I'm enjoying green leaf too much to sacrifice my freedom quite yet." Her voice started out warm, but the longer the sentence went on, the darker her gaze got.

Flamewhisker rolled over, and sat up, turning her attention to her paws. Sacrificing my freedom... She couldn't hold it in anymore. The guilt she had felt had never gone away, no matter how hard she tried to push it back. It was constantly following her, like a shadow. "I...I blame myself for their death." Her voice was strained, her throat tightening...but she was too weak to fight back. "Before I knew I was expecting, I fought in that border skirmish on the Skyclan border...I just know that had something to do with it...and I was too stubborn to stay in the camp after I found out...when Sparkpaw and I fought that fox, I'm sure that contributed somehow.." she lifted her head slightly to look at him, her eyes round with grief. "I messed up as a mother...and they paid the ultimate price.." ...what if I mess up again?
​

( WHEN I FIND MYSELF ; I'MA BRING IT ON HOME )

 

[Flycatcher]

He feels strangely relieved when Flamewhisker says she would like more kits one day. Of course, he would have liked more kits but given everything that had happened, he would have understood if Flamewhisker had flat-out said no. "Don't worry, you can enjoy your freedom from the nursery for a long time yet," Flycatcher chuckled, remembering how eager Flamewhisker had been to get out of there after a few weeks of confinement. "When we both feel ready maybe this can be something we can come back to?" He suggested.

When she suddenly sat up, Flycatcher felt the mood shift. Worrying that something was wrong, he sat up with her, though lingered back until she began to speak. "No, don't say that, Flame," Flycatcher begs when she starts to blame herself for the fate that had befallen their daughters. "You can't...don't say that please," He urges again, leaning his head against hers softly. "You cannot know for certain that is what happened, Flame. Do not blame yourself for what might just have been their fate all along."​