- Sep 2, 2023
- 205
- 60
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šš¼ I should have done what Flycatcher would have done.
The thought pounds at his head like a relentless thunderstorm. Over the rumbling of thunder and the rattling of rain, he can hardly hear his own thoughts. Heās messed up. It isnāt totally unforgivable, he thinks, but he messed up badly enough that Gentlestorm snapped at himāthatās as close to unforgivable as it gets, isnāt it? The medicine cat, the cat who talks to StarClan every month, thinks that heās setting a bad example for the kits. For his younger siblings. What would Flycatcher think of the example heās setting? His stomach turns just thinking about his fatherās hypothetical disapproval. Will Gentlestorm return from the next meeting of medicine cats, only to tell him that his father up in StarClan hates him? The wondering turns his stomach again, and for a heartbeat the tom is convinced that heāll need to go see the medicine cat for a sudden medical issue. But he knows, really, that the rioting of his stomach isnāt sickness, but shame.
Guilt has made itself into a good friend, a shroud of self-hatred settling onto his shoulders. What kind of example is he setting? Not only for his younger siblings, but for his apprentice? For his clan as a whole? Doesā¦ does it really even matter? He isnāt a role model or a member of Howlingstarās council, heās justā¦ a warrior whoās trying to live up to the greatness of both his parents. And heās not his father, heās justā¦ a big brother whoās trying to do right by a litter of younger siblings who lack the care of two parents. He isnāt anything important, anything to look up to. Why does it matter so much if he messes up? Is it really that bad? Heās just a warrior.
Heās justā¦ a failure.
Maybe it would have been better, he thinks, if it had been him. If snapping teeth and merciless jaws had taken him in their grip, and pulled him cleanly from the territory heās lived in for his entire life. Maybe StarClan wouldā¦ would have taken him instead of Duskbird, if he had just asked.
He wincesāand bites down on his tongue, hard. It feels like a sign. A firm no on behalf of StarClan, or of his father. Or maybe itās just a coincidence. The taste of iron spreads across his tongue, and Falconheart makes a decision. He may not be a role model, or a good warrior, or even a decent warrior. But maybe he doesnāt have to be. He keeps messing up because heās trying so, so hard not to be the same apprentice who failed his assessment so badly heād been held back for a month. So the only way to stop being the greatest disappointment ThunderClan has ever seenā¦ is to stop trying not to be.
The thought pounds at his head like a relentless thunderstorm. Over the rumbling of thunder and the rattling of rain, he can hardly hear his own thoughts. Heās messed up. It isnāt totally unforgivable, he thinks, but he messed up badly enough that Gentlestorm snapped at himāthatās as close to unforgivable as it gets, isnāt it? The medicine cat, the cat who talks to StarClan every month, thinks that heās setting a bad example for the kits. For his younger siblings. What would Flycatcher think of the example heās setting? His stomach turns just thinking about his fatherās hypothetical disapproval. Will Gentlestorm return from the next meeting of medicine cats, only to tell him that his father up in StarClan hates him? The wondering turns his stomach again, and for a heartbeat the tom is convinced that heāll need to go see the medicine cat for a sudden medical issue. But he knows, really, that the rioting of his stomach isnāt sickness, but shame.
Guilt has made itself into a good friend, a shroud of self-hatred settling onto his shoulders. What kind of example is he setting? Not only for his younger siblings, but for his apprentice? For his clan as a whole? Doesā¦ does it really even matter? He isnāt a role model or a member of Howlingstarās council, heās justā¦ a warrior whoās trying to live up to the greatness of both his parents. And heās not his father, heās justā¦ a big brother whoās trying to do right by a litter of younger siblings who lack the care of two parents. He isnāt anything important, anything to look up to. Why does it matter so much if he messes up? Is it really that bad? Heās just a warrior.
Heās justā¦ a failure.
Maybe it would have been better, he thinks, if it had been him. If snapping teeth and merciless jaws had taken him in their grip, and pulled him cleanly from the territory heās lived in for his entire life. Maybe StarClan wouldā¦ would have taken him instead of Duskbird, if he had just asked.
He wincesāand bites down on his tongue, hard. It feels like a sign. A firm no on behalf of StarClan, or of his father. Or maybe itās just a coincidence. The taste of iron spreads across his tongue, and Falconheart makes a decision. He may not be a role model, or a good warrior, or even a decent warrior. But maybe he doesnāt have to be. He keeps messing up because heās trying so, so hard not to be the same apprentice who failed his assessment so badly heād been held back for a month. So the only way to stop being the greatest disappointment ThunderClan has ever seenā¦ is to stop trying not to be.
- ooc: ā
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FALCONHEART āÆāÆ he/him, thunderclan warrior
ā shorter than average cream tabby with white spotting. seems gloomy and has few friends, but is a hard worker and never neglects his duties.
ā son of flamewhisker andflycatcher; brother to stormfeather, scorchedkit, mothkit, sunkit, squirrelkit, sparrowpaw
ā peaceful and healing powerplay permitted
ā penned by foxlore
