private you don't have to love me, i love me.

[hyacinthbreath]

♚ Encrusted with scabbing and herbs, Hyacinthbreath looked a bit odd walking around all patched up. The scar would heal nicely thanks to Dandelionwish's hard work, though she was intending to re-fetch the herbs he had used on her. Wasted on you. The voice whispered into her ear, making it flick in response. She exhales a breath as she turns to look at her apprentice, examining her worried, conflicted expression. She's been like this ever since her resignation, was she worried for her? How adorable.

"If you keep frowning like that, you'll get wrinkles." Accented tune cast from pearly lips, the molly leaning down to nudge her apprentice's ear with her snout. "I'm not going anywhere, little ghost. It's merely a demotion, you are still very much stuck with me." She reassures the molly, her tail coming to rest on Spiritpaw's back. She remembered when she met the molly, so sure that her mother hated her. Hyacinth could relate, in a way- though her outcome was much more different.

"Becoming a mother changed my obligations. I have to be a good role model for my children, and for you."

@spiritpaw ​

 

[spiritpaw]

Conflicted feelings, fear, its all so much for her and shes not quite sure how to deal with it. It hurts, it hurts to know that shes utterly lost right now, because Judas never was. Why was she confused now? Spiritpaw wasn't supposed to be confused, shes supposed to be stronger than Judas, so why does she feel so small besides Hyacinth? Shes brought out of her pondering as her mentor speaks up, a joke that immediately causes her to scoff in amusement, a strained smile tugging at the side of her lips. She says shes not going anywhere, and that shes stuck with her, but Spirit still feels off. Can't lose the one good thing she has in her life.

I have to be a good role model. It's then she finally cracks, tears breaking their barrier and flooding down her cheeks. "I don't want to lose you! I don't like seeing you hurt." her voice is full of sorrow, agony as she relives the slash over and over again. "Mother, she never really loved me, and I don't- don't know what to feel anymore. This is too different." Hyacinth was so much kinder, patient, never put outstretched claws against her cheek, never thumped her over the head. She cannot use her old coping mechanisms on this anymore. It's no doubt Spirit has become unfathomably attached to the woman and its no doubt that her time in Windclan has changed her. "Why did she hurt you? Why did she send Duskfire to hurt you? Coward behavior..." her lip puffs out but shes lost, doesn't mean what she says, shes searching so hard to find someone to blame for all of this, but finds no one in return.

"speech"​

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[hyacinthbreath]

♚ I don't want to lose you! I don't like seeing you hurt. The little tears that weeped from the child's eyes makes Hyacinth's own eyes widen in momentary surprise, unused to a child showing her such adoration still. Coldsnap definitely wasn't like this; he admired her, sure, but he kept his pride to himself. She'd led him down a path of unwavering loyalty to Sootstar, shaped him into a great Warrior all on her own. But the flaws that came with that were evident in his inability to cope with his emotions when they became strong. Shove those emotions down and focus on your job. She'd tell him, shoving them under the rug alongside his own. Mother, she never really loved me, and I don't- don't know what to feel anymore. This is too different. Hyacinth huffs at her statement, leaning down to lick the top of her head to comfort her. This one, born to a cruel mother- was this how her own children felt? Guilt ate at her skin, though she quickly shoves it down. She could make it up to them, they were still young. Love was an endearing thing.

"It is the cost of not living up to Sootstar's expectations. She chose me in the beginning because I was unshakeable in my resolve. The scar she gave me originally was a source of pride for me, but pain for others." She's reminded of the reactions to such a ceremony; she thought it was normal, to be scarred for the sake of loyalty. It didn't take long for her to realize that it hurt more people than made them proud. "Duskfire was only carrying out her will. While I would have preferred Sootstar do it herself, she must enforce loyalty somehow. Duskfire won't disobey an order." She remarks with a hum, silently agreeing that it was cowardly, lazy to make her Deputy do it for her. But it made an example out of Hyacinth. That was what Sootstar wanted, deep down. Her expression is cool, leveled as she watches a few cats pass with a nod to her. "I hurt someone I cared about without meaning to. Words are painful, I've realized. Hurt far more than claws." She mutters, turning her attention back to Spiritpaw. "Are you angry with me, for stepping down, little ghost?"​

 

[spiritpaw]

Hyacinth licks her over her head, causing her to sniffle- shes not used to this, she isn't, and these new emotions are so confusing. Judas! Get your shit together! she had half expected Hyacinth to explode, but she only treated her with such kindness and slowly the tears begin to slow to a trickle. Shes speaking again, talks of her scar being pride for herself but pain for others, something that makes her wrinkle her nose in slight confusion. "Why for others? You... You were only doing your job?" Spirit hates how she sounds right now, meek and small. She finds herself wanting to run away but her time here has taught her that running away from your problems only brings heavier consequences. She continues to speak, say words are painful and Spirit finds herself instantly agreeing. Words hurt more than any pain wounds could bring, and she had witnessed this firsthand. The words her own Mother would shout are still ingrained so deeply within her.

Then she asks the dreaded question: are you angry with me? Spirit exhales through her nose, a long, drawn-out sound. "I don't think I am." she admits it after a few heartbeats of silence. "But- But i'm... Is she going to take you away? She seemed, really mad. Does it mean..." she almost doesn't want to say it, because Hyacinth is too important to her. If its something Hyacinth hadn't thought about, then it could potentially crush her, and so she hesitates with the words on the tip of her tongue. "...You're no longer important to her?" she swallows hard, looking away as she starts shuffling her paws in the dirt below. It's not fair, not fair, she had seen how Hyacinth worked her ass off to get where she was. Not fair.

"speech"​

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