- Sep 9, 2022
- 614
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TW for very brief/minor mentions of SI beneath the ispoiler, feel free to skip past ths part
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wordcount: 1,070
LIKE A PICTURE IN A FRAME
WISH WE COULD'VE STAYED THE SAME
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periwinklebreeze ❀ 26 moons ❀ demi-boy ❀ windclan lead warrior
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Stars, how fervently he'd wanted too follow them - even now, heart aches at the memory of bing alone, abandoned by one loved one after another. And yet, he'd only stood still, complaisant and malleable, trembling like a leaf as though his cowardice excused his inaction - because it'd been easier hadn't it? To be the victim - to be the one who'd been left behind, and never the one who had chosen to stay.
" You- g-g-gravelsnap, bluepool, all of you - y-you seem to th-think that I went on the j-j-journey out of... of bravery, " Tears gleam in clear blue eyes, half blind gaze seeking... something from pools of ice, even if the smoke furred tom couldn't tell you what. Understanding perhaps? Or maybe, condemnation, to be upbraided for his faults - ever self deprecating. " B-but I didn't - I wanted to die, I think. I s-saw it you know, the b-b-blood that would st-stain my paws and m-my s-soul even as starclan shone overhead, m-mocking me, no better then the s-same monster who I feared so much, and s-so I r-ran away from it all instead, "
He was never supposed to come home - stars, how he'd entertained following Honeyjaws example, to leave it all behind when he'd somehow survived, despite the odds. He'd never felt more kinship then he had back then - surrounded not by his clanmates, but outsiders as they traveled. Sharpshadow had asked once, if they even wanted to return home - as though they'd set out upon a cheerful jaunt and not an arduous journey to save their sick and dying. As though they'd had any choice in the matter.
And how had Periwinklebreeze even answered? Glibly saying that they had too, as though there was never a question in his mind or a flicker of doubt in his heart. As though he hadn't wanted nothing more then to stay in those mountains.
" And then I lived, s-somehow, despite everything, and when I returned th-things had.... changed. WIndclan had- s-sootstar had- or no, perhaps I was the one who h-had changed? " Did it even matter which?
" Th-thriftfeather - he was so small when he j-j-joined, you know? J-j-just a ball of d-dandelion fuzz surrounded by w-wolves, " he interrupts himself, something hysterical creeping into his tone. " He was j-just... so small, and b-bleeding, and when I took him to be patched up I j-j-just felt... sorry for him, I th-think, to have been brought here "
It hadn't truly been just kindness, had it, that had guided his paws - it'd been greed. He'd been happy to have someone, anyone, that looked at him without knowing - without seeing him as the timorous hindrance that he was. That guileless affection, a naivety to match his own. " I g-g-gave him a f-feather, as though th-that would ch-change the fact that he- he was sc-scared and alone and f-far from home, " he says wistfully.
A feather - like a bandaid plastered to a broken bone, doing little to heal the wound - only serving to make himself feel better, to say 'hey, at least I tried' when really he'd done nothing at all.
" I wondered sometimes, if i had p-pleaded with him - if i had begged he d-do the right thing, t-to come with me and g-gravelsnap - if things would've ch-changed, " as the young tom continues his narration, smoke dipped tail rubs absentmindedly against the teeth marks that he now bears - a permanent reminder of the friend he'd abandoned. Perhaps it's only fitting now, that Thriftfeather will bear similar beneath his downy coat - the two of them inexplicably, inescapably tied together like dogs on a chain.
' Pain is inevitable, it is what we do with said pain that matters. '
" When v-v-vulturepaw told me the truth I... sh-should've told you, " Tongue scrapes against sharp teeth as hee gnaws upon hach like swallowed stones. " He g-gave Vulturepaw a f-feather, and brought h-him home - as though I hadn't tried to k-kill him, " He's crying again - why is it he always seems to be crying? Emotions writhe like serpents, but he refuses to falter - even as jaw aches from the sheer amount of words he's now laid upon his leaders shoulders.
" I should've c-come straight to y-you, but hearing that... I felt I owed him my s-silence - b-because it felt like that kit I once knew, who w-wanted to be g-good, like he was st-still there... " voice trails off into a laugh thats more of a hacking cough then anything, wheeze slipping past his lips as head tips to the side.
" I asked you once, why me - I am not g-good or brave or- " head shakes as voice peters out again, paws raised to rub against his now damp face anxiously. He is not immutable - far from it in fact. And yet, somehow he still manages to slip into the same habits, make the same mistakes and bear the same faults.
'How many secrets will you keep from me?'
" I am... unused t-to a leader who I c-can put my trust in. So I p-push, and I pull, and I wonder when you will d-decide enough is enough, th-that I have t-taken enough - when you will turn your b-back upon me j-j-just the same. And that... th-that is unfair to you, " he admits. It is unfair, he knows, that one moment he finds solace in a figure he can ask for trust from, and yet he still refuses to return that trust - as though sootstars shadow still lingers upon him even now.
" I'm sorry, "
" I am g-g-going to try hard - to learn from my mistakes, i-instead of repeating them, " Again and again, no end ever in sight. " I... do n-not expect you to forgive me " he admits tiredly, " But I... I want to p-prove that your faith in me was n-not misplaced - th-that I can be better. Will be better... " ears fold back against his skull as at last he turns away, feeling foolish now that he ha finally drawn silent.
━ actions & " speech, " & 'thoughts/quotes' ━
I ' V E - A L W A Y S - B E E N - R E A L - B A D - W I T H - C H A N G E
// @SUNSTAR