- Dec 1, 2022
- 29
- 3
- 1
WARNING FOR DISCUSSION OF FAMILIAL DEATH AS WELL AS DISTURBING, CATASPROPHIC THOUGHTS FROM LILACPAW
Dad, Mom, Slitherpaw….Bonejaw.
Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.
Her family breaking, cracking under their light, where shadows grow weak.
’I hate them.’
”I can’t do this.”
It’s their fault. It’s all their fault. Monsters, thieves, murderers. ”Its not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR!” Starclan’s chosen, their blessed and beloved. What a fucking joke. If this is what being in their favor was like she didn’t want it. ”We were supposed to be happy, they were supposed to grow old, they were supposed to stay with us. YOU TOOK THEM! YOU STOLE MOM AND YOU STOLE DAD AND YOU PUSHED SLITHER AND AUNTIE AWAY FROM US!”
She’s screaming alone, not wanting anyone to hear, not wanting to be influenced by anyone else’s ideas but her own. Her throat feels frozen and raw, tears being saved from freezing only due to the heat of her anguish. The night air is awful, but she just wants to feel okay again. ”It’s all your fault.” Lilac sobs, curling claws into the snow until her feet feel numb. ”Now you’re taking Starling and Pitch away too.”
Her sister, dearly beloved little twittering bird, caught up in their lies and madness, too far for Lilac to reach. She was afraid to try, afraid to drive her further away into their claws. Her brother, the blinding eclipse, crushed under the weight of her mother’s clan, his clan. Too young was his little sister to take any burden of her own from him.
Helpless, useless….
”You are weak.” Nightwillow says in her memories.
”I am weak.” She whispers into a star studded winter sky.
She is weak, and she cannot help them. She cannot even help herself.
The apprentice curls in on herself, and her mind, solace and warmth in her darkest hours, turns on her.
Pitchstar, ripped apart over and over on the battlefield, starving over and over as he pushes food to his clanmates, succumbing to his own madness over and over. Dying over and over as Starclan has cursed him to do for them.
Starlingheart, alone and overwhelmed by sickness, alone with a bleeding heart as she sends clanmates to their deaths because the stars say it’s their time, alone because they suffocated her aunt. Eternally doing their bidding because she has become their puppet.
Teasel and Twilight, deemed useless by unseen, undead eyes and led onto the thunderpath like their mother. Deemed useless and having bodies torn open by enemies. Deemed useless and coughing up blood. All because of the pressure.
She doesn’t want it, it can’t happen she won’t let it she won't lose anyone else but....who is she but another pawn in a game she never wanted to play?
”I wish my parents were alive.” Her teeth are chattering, and her breath is no longer as visible as it was. ”I wish Fogpaw and Wolverinefang didn’t leave, so Bonejaw didn’t need to leave us either. I wish you had never chosen her as a medicine cat. I wish Pitchstar didn't have to become leader so early. I wish-”
’I wish I wish I wish I wish-’
Its hard to breathe, snot filling and freezing in her nose, clogging her throat as cold air stabs her lungs. She grits her teeth, tears still streaming down her face and turns her mother’s green eyes towards those who had wronged her.
”I wish you had never existed at all.”
Dad, Mom, Slitherpaw….Bonejaw.
Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.
Her family breaking, cracking under their light, where shadows grow weak.
’I hate them.’
”I can’t do this.”
It’s their fault. It’s all their fault. Monsters, thieves, murderers. ”Its not fair. IT’S NOT FAIR!” Starclan’s chosen, their blessed and beloved. What a fucking joke. If this is what being in their favor was like she didn’t want it. ”We were supposed to be happy, they were supposed to grow old, they were supposed to stay with us. YOU TOOK THEM! YOU STOLE MOM AND YOU STOLE DAD AND YOU PUSHED SLITHER AND AUNTIE AWAY FROM US!”
She’s screaming alone, not wanting anyone to hear, not wanting to be influenced by anyone else’s ideas but her own. Her throat feels frozen and raw, tears being saved from freezing only due to the heat of her anguish. The night air is awful, but she just wants to feel okay again. ”It’s all your fault.” Lilac sobs, curling claws into the snow until her feet feel numb. ”Now you’re taking Starling and Pitch away too.”
Her sister, dearly beloved little twittering bird, caught up in their lies and madness, too far for Lilac to reach. She was afraid to try, afraid to drive her further away into their claws. Her brother, the blinding eclipse, crushed under the weight of her mother’s clan, his clan. Too young was his little sister to take any burden of her own from him.
Helpless, useless….
”You are weak.” Nightwillow says in her memories.
”I am weak.” She whispers into a star studded winter sky.
She is weak, and she cannot help them. She cannot even help herself.
The apprentice curls in on herself, and her mind, solace and warmth in her darkest hours, turns on her.
Pitchstar, ripped apart over and over on the battlefield, starving over and over as he pushes food to his clanmates, succumbing to his own madness over and over. Dying over and over as Starclan has cursed him to do for them.
Starlingheart, alone and overwhelmed by sickness, alone with a bleeding heart as she sends clanmates to their deaths because the stars say it’s their time, alone because they suffocated her aunt. Eternally doing their bidding because she has become their puppet.
Teasel and Twilight, deemed useless by unseen, undead eyes and led onto the thunderpath like their mother. Deemed useless and having bodies torn open by enemies. Deemed useless and coughing up blood. All because of the pressure.
She doesn’t want it, it can’t happen she won’t let it she won't lose anyone else but....who is she but another pawn in a game she never wanted to play?
”I wish my parents were alive.” Her teeth are chattering, and her breath is no longer as visible as it was. ”I wish Fogpaw and Wolverinefang didn’t leave, so Bonejaw didn’t need to leave us either. I wish you had never chosen her as a medicine cat. I wish Pitchstar didn't have to become leader so early. I wish-”
’I wish I wish I wish I wish-’
Its hard to breathe, snot filling and freezing in her nose, clogging her throat as cold air stabs her lungs. She grits her teeth, tears still streaming down her face and turns her mother’s green eyes towards those who had wronged her.
”I wish you had never existed at all.”
