private don't talk about this // owlpaw

SUNPAW.

SUNPAW.

this is my attitude
Sep 4, 2024
26
5
3
Again, Sunpaw finds herself unable to sleep. She didn't use to have this problem, even when she first came to RiverClan. Mostly because the transition kept her so busy, that by the end of the day she found herself ready to crash. But maybe after three moons, she's finally getting used to the routine - no, she definitely is. And with everything steadying out, maybe it makes sense that her mind keeps lingering elsewhere, too unoccupied for her own liking. Tossing, turning, closing her eyes, opening them. Knowing that doesn't make it any better.

At some point, she's yawning, stretching herself out of her nest. A while passes, then another while longer before she groans softly, knowing she's not falling back asleep any time soon. Instead she hauls herself up out of her nest as carefully as she can with the other sleeping apprentices around her, carefully stepping over nests and bodies until she can push outside of the den and into the camp. She has no grand plans of escape nor adventure, but as she gazes into the quiet spaces of the camp, she finds herself moving anyway. Away from the heart of it all, towards the outskirts, the border of camp. There, she just sits, gazing out into the areas beyond this invisible little line, her tail tucked neatly over her paws.​
 


Owlpaw was already out of the den. He had never even settled down for the night, but the chocolate apprentices eyes burned with weird feelings, weird feelings that he couldn't seem to get down on this night. A lodge in his throat, as he was loafed on the side of camp. Nestled in his nest, in a safe spot- was the shell he refused to let Sunpaw take for the lower parts of the den. But going to his nest caused a burden on his heart, his bicoloured eyes watching the stars, just feeling heavy with weight he couldn't let go.

And there she was, but he didn't think she saw him. Buried in the shadows, and her form settling not far from him. And for once, he didn't fake a gag at her presence. But even still, begrudgingly, he dragged himself forward. "Can't sleep?" He asked, flicking an ear at the gentleness and quiet of his normally loud and overbearing voice.

​
 


Sunpaw has to bite back her startled yelp when Owlpaw's voice suddenly materializes next to her, the sound awkwardly dying in her throat as a squeak as she jumps. Her ears immediately flatten, mood shifting in embarrassment as she trudges the last few steps. "Why are you out here?" she huffs back, but her voice is whispered too, and for the few seconds where she's staring Owlpaw down, her expression slowly drops. There's no point in fighting now or they really will get caught.

"...No, guess not. You can't either?" she guesses, and slowly shifts her original target a few steps closer, so she's sitting by Owlpaw instead. "...I don't normally see others come out this far when they're up late so... it's why I pick it," she adds, like it's defense that she wasn't trying to cross the camp's boundary or anything like that.​
 


He ignored her rudeness. Just for tonight. But he wouldn't let go of the fact that he absolutely about scared the dung out of her. Hell mention it another time, but for now, he longed for peace between them. As much as he wanted to play, he already had to go pick ticks off the elders tomorrow. And honestly, he wasn't really in the mood to be goofy silly right now.

If she looked close enough, he was scared she may see that his eyes were just a bit more watery than they normally would be. So they shifted away from her, back up to the stars. "I like the stars, and my pelt blends in the shadows better. Im.. up often, late. I imagine-" his eyes drop to his paws, frowning slightly. "I imagine my mom's watching down on me when I look up there, and she's smiling and-"

He sighs, frowning. "Everyone tells me that she was the sweetest cat they ever knew and that she loved me. She d- she left when I was little. To.. starclan." She died was just too hard to say. "That- shell I kept, it was, the same one as the last one she gave me. But, I broke it." No longer was it sandpaws fault, because he acknowledges that if he didn't fight her, it wouldn't be broken.

"Sorry." He shifted uncomfortably. He didn't normally talk about this, to anyone but those who already knew.

​
 

It's... weird. An intrinsic way that she knows that tonight is different somehow. They're putting aside their banter - and arguments - and it's just... quiet. Quieter, somehow, in the spaces between them. Maybe it's because they have to whisper. Maybe it's something about the subdued tone in Owlpaw's voice that sends her ears flickering, trying to pick up on the tone she doesn't understand out of him.

I imagine my mom's watching down on me.

Oh, it's that kind of night. For a moment, Sunpaw freezes, glances out of the corner of her eye to Owlpaw but, she's never known what to say or do in situations like these. Not that she's run into them often. She bites into her cheek, keeping her mouth shut for once and letting Owlpaw talk.

She doesn't feel bad about joking about the shells with Owlpaw, or being snarky about it. They had a job to do, and it wasn't like they had ended on a bad note anyway, but... it does make her pause. Should she feel something about the way she acted? And actually, there's something in her heart that twists instead. A shell. A tangible thing. Owlpaw had that of his mother, broken or not and -

"Ew, don't-" she starts reflexively, but she catches herself and exhales a little breath. "Don't say sorry for that. That's weird. Don't make me feel weird for being ... honest."

Ugh, Starclan above, what did people say in situations like these? She shifts on her paws, resettling as she tries to think. But it keeps coming back to that weird, stabbing feeling in her chest; half the reason why she's up so late now. What do people do in conversations? Share something back, right? That's normal, right? It's probably sad it takes this much emotional effort to respond. It's still a long pause before she takes a breath in.

"At least you have something, even if you broke it," she mutters. It's a feeling of jealousy she can't quite pin down. But she mulls it over anyway, tail flicking as moments pass, the gears in her head turning. Is there anything helpful here she can say at all? "I'm jealous you know that she's dead," it falls right out of her mouth and even she blinks as she rewinds that sentence through her mind. "Wait, that sounded stu- whatever. You get it. You know what I mean."
​
 


Awkwardness was heavy in the air. He shouldn't have said anything, but, it was tight in his throat and it slipped out before he could stop it. And she seemed only tense beside him.

And then she says it. I'm jealous you know that she's dead. His eyes hold sympathy, but he does not face her. He does not show her more weakness than he already has. "You don't know?" He questions, his eyebrows furrowing a bit and his eyes finally flicking towards her. He almost said I'm sorry again but it would make her feel weird. And his mouth opens, then closes. Opens, and a sigh escapes his tiny jaws.

"I think I understand you." But unfortunately, questions ponder his mind. He never actually knew where Sunpaw came from, if she was born here- if she showed up at the border- He simply suddenly started noticing her with their bickering. She was quite the annoying one, wasn't she? "Its- stupid. But I hope she's not. I hope she shows up, and it was- a misunderstanding, but if I were you, I'd be mad at her still. Or I'll be mad for you. Because, she wasn't there and the least she could have done was be there. But then- you would get to know her. And, eventually, you know, you get to bond with her and-" his jaws suddenly clamped shut.

"Yeah. Anyways- uh, the stars are very pretty tonight. You, see the blinking one? Why do you think starclan blinks?" He asked, his whiskers twitching as he gives a miserable attempt to change the subject.

​
 

You don't know?

Somehow that echo of her own statement makes her instantly feel stupid. Stupid, she's so stupid. Why is she even talking right now? Honestly, why is she even out here in a vulnerable moment when Owlpaw is clearly going through it? "No," she forces out past her lips, at least to answer.

But then Owlpaw talks. And talks, and talks, and it grates at her more. I think I understand you, but how could he? He clearly doesn't - everything he says is just... a guess. Projecting maybe, and it's not that her hackles rise, but she shakes her shoulders, lashes her tail, tries to hold her body still when she can feel that simmer, hot, burning down in her chest. "You don't-" she has to stop herself, because her voice starts to raise and it can't right now.

Because it hurts, too. Is she mad? Should her mom have been here - could she have been? Would Sunpaw want to get to know her, was it still possible? Was this just Owlpaw, hoping for himself? It's dizzying, and she's centimeters away from turning and cuffing Owlpaw right across the ears - but he stops first, and the paw that was starting to raise against her will shoves itself back down into the earth. "You don't know anything."

And she exhales heavy through her nose. Inhales, too, processing as best as she can when her shoulders start to tighten again. Owlpaw says this too, and in another circumstance she would laugh.

"Wow. Smooth, Owlpaw," she deadpans. But it's impossibly soft, the only way to keep her voice from choking with an emotion she doesn't want to portray. Many beats pass before she huffs, rocking back and forth on her toes, pressing them hard into the earth. "Dunno. Maybe you're right and it's someone looking down."

"She wasn't a Clan cat. My mom." Maybe it's stupid, that she feels the need to defend the image of her mother, herself, somehow. Like her mother didn't abandon her, like... like things were different. "We were loners. When I was born, obviously but," Well, it's not like it's not known around the Clan. She forces her gaze up to the sky. The stars, StarClan. It's weird to think that so many people's long-since-passed family is up there in the Silverpelt. It's a nice thought. "Then I was a kittypet and... then here. So. You don't actually know anything Owlpaw so... don't talk like you do, okay?"


​
 


The knot in his throat was heavier, the sinking in his stomach just- heavy. Maybe he thought they were having a moment, but there he was, messing things up. At first her words went through one ear, then the other, but as he finally stopped hearing himself, and listened to her, he quickly realized and felt the weight that he messed up.

Owlpaw always avoided that feeling. His eyes blinking as she spit the words and tensed on her toes, rocking. And for a moment, he wants to turn away. To end it there, pretend none of this happened. To avoid her, like he avoided Shellpaw since her outburst towards him. He'd veer as far as he could from the other child since she yelled he was annoying. Even if it was moons ago. It was weird he liked being annoying, but he was not a fan of others being stern with him or letting their feelings of hatred upon him.

His gaze instead moved back away from staring, trying to gulp down the rock in his throat. And then she finally spoke, shrugging off the star thing as it, it didn't really matter did it? "I won't. You're right. I didn't know. It wasn't right of me- I wanted to know, I guess, but I didn't want to ask. I shouldnt- I won't do it again." His words were probably the quietest he ever spoke. His gaze would not meet hers. "Dont- don't yell at me though." Am I only trying to be close to Sunpaw because.... No, she's just a clanmate. She's not my friend. She doesn't like me. But the feeling was, it was all confusing. "Or I might tattle," he threatened, a mischievous grin on his face, masking the pain in his face. The grin masking the rock in his throat, and his heart dropping at the idea of Sunpaw turning away from him in this moment. What even are these feelings? She's just a- cootie ridden girl. Something flickered in his gaze. No, she doesn't have cooties at all. Guaranteed.

​
 

"'You wanted to know but you didn't want to ask?' That's stupid, Owlpaw," she combats easily in return. And maybe it's wrong of her, to make this about herself when it was Owlpaw who was sharing first, but she huffs an exhale. She doesn't know what people do in these sitautions, and maybe she's messing it all up too. Definitely - Owlpaw's entire expression changed so quickly. Even now, he's so quiet and it's... weird. Yeah, it's definitely weird.

"If you want to know something, just ask it. That's better than you making something up about me, you know." But he's trying to be nice too. Even she knows that. "..Yeah, I know you won't. It's fine," she murmurs softly in response. Because somehow at least him she trusts with that weight of his own word. He's serious about it. And if Owlpaw is serious, then he'll do it. He's always been easy to read like that.

Until he says this, and her brow furrows in confusion. Tattle? She snorts, moving to shove her shoulder into his lightly. "What are you going to go tattle about, huh? Me yelling at you isn't something new, you know." That simmering feeling in her chest hasn't exactly gone away, but it simmers down to her toes, which she still rocks on, back and forth and back and forth, but she's not leaving. She just finally turns to meet his eye; something weird in his eye too, before she shakes her head. "You look spooked, Owlpaw. I'm not-... I'm not mad at you. Well, I'm trying really hard not to be mad at you. 'Cause like... you don't really deserve that." She turns her gaze away quickly having said this. "I think I just get... angry. Or something."
​
 


If you want to know something, just ask it. But he blinked, unsure how to ask the questions. Where did she go, if Sunpaw became a kittypet but not her mother, where would her mother have even gone? Did she ever share words with her mom? Did she remember her mother's scent? Or anything that happened? No, they weren't questions he wanted to ask aloud.

And he was serious. Because she was right. But, his lips pulled back, and his ears flattened against his skull. He had never had to fight so hard to not spit out the words that rose in his throat. It was first nature to spit out what was on his head. "D-do you know, anything about her?" He finally asked, as softly as he possibly could, his voice probably even more gentle then it had ever been in his life. But hopefully, too quiet to even hear. It barely escapes from his throat.

His body froze as she didn't budge into him with aggression, but a gentle bump, and his gaze locked onto hers. She was reading him like an open book, and he absolutely hated it. His mask has never broken before, or maybe he was easily read as she read him. "I get.. mad too. But I turn it into, play. Because, well-" he shifts, and gently, he feels her warmth against his side as he accidentally moves into her, pausing his speech as he laughs uncomfortably, pulling away quickly. "I'm not actually, aggressive. I don't, like to see people hurting. Nor to feel hurt myself. It's easier that way. To pretend pain doesn't exist. To laugh it off or play it off as nothing."

​
 
He's processing. She can tell, and she doesn't push it as she lets him take it or leave it with what she said. Sure, the questions were... kinda personal. And honestly, she wasn't even sure how she felt about answering them. But... in a way it felt better to be asked than to just have Owlpaw make up some tragic thing about her.


So her gaze flicks to the side at him when his ears start to flatten back. "Huuh?" she leans her head in closer, flicking her ears as though it could help her pick out the mumbled, tiny words. Honestly, she thinks she kinda gets what he's asking anyway - there's really only a few things that anyone would realistically ask after everything she had said anyway. "Jeez, Owlpaw. Don't mumble." Well, she still doesn't know exactly the question he asked, but...

"Do you remember what your mom looks like?" she questions back instead. "I don't," it concludes. And even stating it out loud, her ears flick. "I used to, I'm-... I'm not really sure when I forgot but.. I was thinking about it. And I don't. Remember. So," she trails off a little awkwardly, but she doesn't want to just... talk, either. It's not some story time where she's here to dump all of her problems on Owlpaw and besides.

Even Owlpaw is feeling a little offput by all of this. If the fact he's so trying to pretend he's not leaning into her is anything to go by. She flicks her tail his direction, purposefully batting him in the side like a, 'I saw that.' But she keeps her mouth shut, because... well what he says is kind of close to home. Sort of. It makes her head tilt a little bit as she thinks about it. And thinks about it. "You know, when I was training with Brookpelt - y'know, before he got tired of me and gave me to Foxtail - he used to send me off and tell me, 'Sunpaw, go think about your attitude!' Like I was making a choice about it, y'know? Except I'm really not."

And she's tried and tried and tried to pin down the feeling ever since, and this is really the closest she ever got to it. "I think you're a better cat than me because... I do kind of want people to hurt?" She cringes saying it out loud. It sounds really bad, worse than it does in her head. She exhales awkwardly, "When I get annoyed or angry or... whatever, it feels like I'm burning. Like... Like when you go in the river, and your paws get all numb, and then you go and stick them in a sunbeam and then they start feeling really hot and tingly and weird. And I don't even think about it but I think I really do mean to hurt somebody because then I don't have to feel it, you know? And I'd tell Brookpelt that and he'd just-"

But now her words ring out in the air, and as they settle into the sky, she suddenly feels her fur growing hot. Embarrassment. How embarrassing. How could she just admit something like that out loud? She shoves into his shoulder again, a little harder this time. "Don't you dare ever repeat that out loud or I'll box you over the ears."

​
 
Last edited:


Owlpaw actually took the time to listen. The time to understand as the orange apprentice spoke, the time to blink and actually consider her words. The time to learn about his clanmate. Something he had never ever done before. "No, I don't. She smelled sweet. But- I never, could remember what she looked like," he responded with a sigh. "Curse my inability to pay attention to things." He about made another joke to ease the air, but he bit his tongue. He really did enjoy this moment with her. Especially the way she said his name.

Her tail flicked against his side, and he snickered. But he listened, yet again. And this time, she rambled. But he did not judge. And then she stopped, and bumped into him harder. He looked taken aback, lifting a paw to his chest and scoffing. "We're having a moment, Sunpaw, and you think I would tell someone this? Ha! Hahaha! No, they would taunt us," he responded, completely serious.

"Brookpelt didn't understand you. You're not the first to do that, I'm sure. To try to... Pass off your pain. I don't blame you. It's okay," he tried to assure her, offering her a crooked smile, his teeth hanging back over his lips as he stopped. Thinking for a moment, searching the ground intently.

"If you're ever feeling angry... You can spar with me. I can take it, you couldn't hurt me if you tried though," he said, laughing in a taunt.

​
 
Owlpaw makes another joke on his behalf, and Sunpaw exhales sharply, politely in response. It's a little bit funny, even if it's a little bit morbid considering what they just talked about. "Well.. We're little, I guess. Even now," So little. "It makes sense we don't remember. Even if it kinda... sucks." But this is curious too. "I... kinda remember what my mom smelled like? But I mostly remember her voice." And there's a pause - because actually she doesn't know how much she wants to share, but there is also something about this moment. Like as soon as they leave it, they'll probably never talk about it again. And if they're never going to talk about it again, now is the only time she might ever get to talk about her mom somehow.

"She named me Sunny. So that's what I remember. Sunny, sunny." She tries to mimic the voice, but it's her own. It'll never match what's in her head, but the memory's there anyway. "The Twolegs named me something different. I don't think it really meant anything though. Just a Twoleg name."

Owlpaw's snickering, but he's also listening, which feels kind of nice too. Especially since she's spent a lot of this time just kind of talking about herself. "Oh, we're having a moment?" she can't help but tease back. It sounds so official, or so not like them that it stands out as something funny. But it makes her feel better too, that this is his immediate reaction, and even she flashes a hint of a smile. "Good. I guess I won't be boxing you over the ears then. That's too bad."

And Owlpaw says something which sounds way too wise coming out of his mouth and for a second Sunpaw can only stare at him from the side. But the second she looks and makes eye contact, he's giving her a crooked little grin, and just for a second she has to bite her own back. He's... really nice. She always knew that, in the back of her head, but now it was an irreversible fact. "You sound old now, Owlpaw," she teases softly.

And then she snorts. "Please, I could hurt you if I tried hard enough. I'm faster than you." But she doesn't really know what to say to that offer, so this is what she defaults to. It's not like that's all she would want their friendship - friendship? - to be. Her just beating him up when she's angry, no. But.. she thinks she gets it, too, what he's actually offering.

"Well... Thanks, Owlpaw."

And then she pauses, lingering in that awkward silence before she takes in a deep breath, and it's her turn to make a terrible segue of topic. "So uh... What else do you remember about your mom?"
​
 


He doesn't remember her voice, not anymore. He was barely hearing voices back then. He could barely speak back then. Turtlepaw helped him a lot with that, or he wouldn't speak that well now. Maybe he would, but he never was really interested in it. But here he was. "Sunny... It's, nice. Pretty," he cleared his throat, muttering the final word before rolling his shoulders. "Aren't two legs scary? I've heard they're big and clumsy, and just grab you whenever they want-" he shuddered, clenching his teeth at the thought.

He snorted, his eyes dramatically rolling. "As if you won't find three thousand other reasons to box me over the head! I'll breathe wrong and ohhh nooo," he pretended to fall over, pushing his weight into her. "See, now you're about to!" He tried to call her movement, dodging if he has the opportunity to avoid her strike- if she even does.

"Old?! Is that an insult or what?" He scoffs, swiping at her gently. But a smile crossed his face again, and his ears felt heated a bit. This wasn't the embarrassment he normally felt- and it was weird. "You're welcome, Sunpaw." And he meant his words as they were, though. He genuinely did.

She asked the question and he frowned. "My mother- she was really sick when she.... I- seen her body, but I, blocked it out so I don't remember too well. I just, she was so... Cold. I don't, really remember her warmth because of that cold I felt. She smelled like- flowers, not her." He said, shrugging, sending a chuckle to the air, but his eyes, his ears flat down again, it was definitely not something he wanted to say. But he did.

​
 
"Oh, thanks," It comes out a little more flat than she means it. Because what does he mean, pretty? It was muttered, but even with him clearing his throat there's no way he could think that she wasn't going to hear that after the last time he had mumbled. She feels her fur ruffle a little in embarrassment anyway. And so she takes the segue a little more readily than normal. "Twolegs... uh..." Well, he wasn't wrong there. Her ears flatten for a moment, frown on her face as she shudders involuntarily. "When they grabbed me it was-... Well, you're right. They're pretty clumsy. Kinda dumb too. But also kinda annoying and just... Weird. And their kits are so loud, and grabby, and ugh. Oh, and don't even get me started on the food," Even now, thinking about it, makes her entire face twist up in disgust. "Dry. So dry."

It's not even a full assessment of the awful things she was fed in that twoleg den, but if she got started on it she probably wouldn't stop tonight.

And it's his snort that gets her to break into a laugh. But then he's dramatically falling into her side and she stumbles a little. "Hey!-" she whines her complaint, starting to raise her paw, but even as she does he's calling her out too and the swipe she attempts to land doesn't even hit. She gasps, somewhere embarrassed and playfully annoyed, and she darts out another swipe right over his ears to make up for it. "I can't believe you! You're right though. I would find a reason."

But he swipes her right back, and this one was probably deserved. "Yeah. You're old. Look, you even have the gray!" It's not a true elder silver, and more an off-brown-gray of his pelt, but she bops a light paw forward into his chest anyway to make her point. "See? Elder Owl."

And then he says 'you're welcome' like that, and her entire paw, face, body, freezes all in one. It's too genuine for the way they've been playing and she slowly retracts her paw with a tiny nod. Acknowledgement, maybe, something else - it prickles across her body something weird.

But it's her own small mercy that she got him started on talking about this so she could just listen, let her thoughts roll. It's brave of him to say all of it. "I mean something happy about her but... Yeah, sure. I think I get it," she murmurs softly. Maybe this is all that Owlpaw remembers. That's kinda sad. But then again maybe so is her own. "But you know, maybe..." She hesitates. It feels weird to comment on something so... fragile like this. " It doesn't sound like she would have left you just like that. StarClan itself had to come down and drag her away before she would leave you, so... She must have been a good mom."
​
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back