private for a war drum ☂ amberhaze

[Puddlepaw]

There shouldn't be an idolization of war, Moltface is very upfront about the harsh reality of fighting. Where she might not have then Snowlark had filled in those gaps back when she asked him for near death experiences. Puddlekit still finds a way, that disconnect she carries towards those around her turns to the drastic. While she doesn't idolize the war and the costs she thinks there is something thrilling there, a glimpse of excitement over the concept of fighting. She tries to understand the grief around her, she just can't though, it's fuzzy and just out of reach. A puzzle that she can't seem to connect, fortunate enough to not lose anyone close to her in her young life. Puddlekit understands the concept, can see that it hurts her clanmates but she just can't feel it, it's numb to her. She doesn't understand violence either, that feels more tangible though, violence and tragedy are laced in every life lesson or story she is taught and told.

Maybe that's why she seeks out Amberhaze, planting herself by the medicine den and waiting for him to leave it. She finds this to be her task for the next few days, only leaving to eat or sleep. It becomes a short lived obsession, one that has her undivided attention. To her delight it isn't something that lasts long, instead the jittery ebony form of the warrior finally greets her. Tired and manic simultaneously, his demeanor is a confusing one to her. A poor match with someone who barely understands to recognize the most basic of emotions within the others at her current stage. She pays it no mind, this is just how he is and he can provide her what she wants.

There is no greeting, no pleasantries, seemingly not caring if he is okay at all. Though if that was the case she wouldn't have sat out here for as long as she has. "Did you kill anyone?" She knows he was there, at ThunderClan. Did he see any death himself? It's weird to think about, she isn't too sure what she should think. Puddlekit just seeks to knowledge on a concept that seems a little closer to her reality than the bleak one that settles over the clan.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎﹏﹏ ooc ☂ I got all the power ﹏﹏‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• 
  @Amberhaze
  

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• PUDDLEKIT || She/her, kit of ShadowClan, 5 moons
  ♡ A short haired fawn rosette tabby and black rosette tabby chimera with copper eyes. Always seems to be judgmental.
  ♡ Adopted child of Moltface || Littermate to Runningkit, Cloudkit, Buzzardkit, and Nightkit.
  ♡ Penned by Juice || message on discord (Ouijeejuice) for plots!
  ♡ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking.
  

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[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ Finally, Amberhaze felt good enough to emerge from the confines of the medicine cat's den, his metaphorical shackles coming loose to allow him to brave the biting chill of the Leaf-bare air, which he was surprised to find he had come to miss. A deep intake of breath drew in the cold greedily, his lungs contorting with the billowing ice that flowed into it like a cascading waterfall before transforming it into hazy smoke once breathed out into the open again. The moment was serene, peaceful, and Amberhaze relished it for everything that it was in that moment. It was rare for him to ever experience such a thing, the abyssal figure corrupted by a fear so immense it was ruthless and crippling, wounding him day and night like a predator playing with it's prey- only battering it about enough to cause it harm, but not merciful enough to finally lay it to rest- that was his curse, his burden to bear, similar to the curse and burdens bore by all of those in Shadowclan for different reasons. It tied them all together, one web of dysfunctional but beautiful mess.

"Did you kill anyone?"

The tiny voice caught him off guard, and he jumped with a hitch of his breath that made him cough- though it was much less violent than the week prior, the bulk of his illness having subsided into something much more dull and manageable- Marblepaw had informed him the coughing was just residual and would soon be gone with extra rest. His eyes would scan the terrain desperately before turning downwards to lock onto the tiny yet uncannily well-built form of Puddlekit, who had been waiting rather impatiently at his feet for...well, who knows how long really. The girl was practically a ghost, phasing in and out of existence at any point in time. Her perpetual silence made him nervous, and for a moment her question was completely lost on him.

"Um- N-No- ...No, I didn't...kill anyone." His panicked expression lingered for a mite longer before it transformed into one of quizzicality. "Why do you ask?"

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: —
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 19 MOONS ･ WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.

 

[Puddlepaw]

Out of instinct she grimaces at the cough leaving Amberhaze, was he actually better then? It sounded somewhat dry, which is pleasant since she hates when coughs become wet. It sounds gross, Amberhaze can be gross enough without the cough so she's glad that his is manageable. It's not an uncommon sight for him to jump whenever she makes her presence in his vicinity clear, it's become normal to Puddlekit. So much so that she's just convinced that's just how he is, as such in a rare moment she doesn't really judge him for it because why would she when he clearly can't change it. Disappointingly he hasn't killed anyone, her expression remains passive but the soft exhale is enough to dictate just how displeased with that answer she is. "Oh" she states bluntly, tone lacking any disappointment or surprise. Rust eyes scrutinize the panicked expression that lingers on his face, is her question truly that alarming? No one seems to react well when she asks about these things. Aren't they just a part of warriorhood? How weird.

"Why not? Were you not close enough?" She's heard stories in the nursery, you have to be pretty close to kill someone right? It seems intimidating, maybe exciting? She's never really heard that feeling be described so she assumes the butterflies in her stomach and the queasiness she feels to be just that. She can't imagine why the midnight warrior wouldn't have been able to get close enough, then again he does seem aphrensive about being around her. Maybe that's heightened in situations like that? The chimera doesn't budge from the entrance of the Medicine Cat's Den, making it clear that he will have to either go around awkwardly or move her to escape the conversation. Even then it wouldn't save him since she would just follow him wherever he went to anyways, not understanding that her company may not be the greatest right now.

"I want to know what to expect when I kill someone" not if, when. Why lie to herself when it seems every story ends in bloodshed? Especially given the state of ShadowClan right now, they're never friendly with WindClan and aren't they locked into hatred with ThunderClan right now too? A dark spot of Mirestar's short lived legacy, she grimaces at the thought. "Have you ever killed before?" Maybe that would be a better question, or should she be broader and ask if he's just brutally injured someone? This is frustrating to think about so she chooses not to.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎﹏﹏ ooc ☂ I got all the power ﹏﹏‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

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• 

• PUDDLEPAW || She/her, kit of ShadowClan, 6 moons
  ♡ A short haired fawn rosette tabby and black rosette tabby chimera with copper eyes. Always seems to be judgmental.
  ♡ Mentored by Wormwatcher.
  ♡ Penned by Juice || message on discord (Ouijeejuice) for plots!
  ♡ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking.
  

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[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ Amberhaze's brow furrowed with a mixture of concern and confusion at Puddlepaw's rather disappointed and even mildly disgruntled reaction to his response of no, almost as if she were hoping he would say that he had. He couldn't imagine a reality where that could be something to celebrate, something worth being excited for, much less yearn for...and yet, the cats of the forest saw it as something like an honor. Honor...such a tainted thing in Shadowclan, something that Amberhaze wondered if he even possessed himself.

"Why not? Were you not close enough?" His gaze shifted back and forth, eyelids twitching with a swiftly building sense of unease. "No I- I was close enough...I had him, even. I-In my grasp I mean. I just- Um...I d-didn't think I needed to- to kill him to uh- to- to make my point." It was true. His goal was to save the apprentice Addersnap had targeted and ensure he would leave the territory with half a mind never to return lest he feel the sting of raking claws once again. It had proven to be a much easier feat than Amberhaze had anticipated...almost embarrassingly so, the look of desperate terror that etched the crevices of the Thunderclan warrior's face still flashing clearly within his mind should he ever choose to recall it. But he didn't. He would prefer to forget about it entirely, something that Puddlekit clearly did not understand- or perhaps she simply didn't care.

"I want to know what to expect when I kill someone." The silence that ensued was overwhelmingly deafening, but not entirely uncomfortable... Not to him anyways, not when Puddlekit was...as she was. He had gotten used to it to an extent, although sometimes her intensity did get the better of him. He supposed he couldn't blame her for her curiosity...her hunger to learn about what she had yet to experience. Would he have been the same, if he had been born in the same manner as she? In the same world as she? "Have you ever killed before?" Amberhaze's harvest-moon eyes would bear down into the other's the moment the question hit his ears, but his expression was...strangely unreadable.

"No." A simple word. One that rang true. "But I have- I've seen it. A lot of it. Death. And- And-" The grimace had returned, turning his angular features into something much more animalistic, his posture lowering and allowing an arching back to grow sharp with rising fur. "And you don't. You- You can prepare for it but- but you can never exp- expect it. It'll c-come for you...y-you may think you are ready for- for it but- but..." Vacant eyes saw something that was veiled to all but him. He looked at Puddlekit but did not see her. "...The way th-that it takes you...y-you can never truly expect it. Never."

With a heaving chest, he would slowly but surely regain whatever form of consciousness he seemed to let slip away from him. His ocher orbs brightening with renewed clarity and his posture slowly relaxing alongside the smoothing of abyssal fur. With a heavy sigh that ended in a wheeze- the remnants of his illness, no doubt- he would conclude with a much softer, more resigned; "I have never...k-killed anyone." I hope I never have to.

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: —
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 20 MOONS ･ LEAD WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.

 

[Puddlepaw]

Amberhaze confused her, how could you not think that killing someone would make your point? What point was he trying to make anyways? "What was your point?" To excercise power blood shed must happen, right? That's how it always seemed to be in the stories, there is a certain expectation of the world that Puddlekit carries and almost devastatingly the warrior in front of her doesn't affirm them. It's troubling, she's convinced that he's an outlier and while that should frustrate her to no end she unfortunately finds this intriguing. There is a struggle to read his expressions as well, her difficulty interpretating emotions was a road block at the best of times but right now it created destruction over any hope she had of reading through the lines. That is what frustrates her, why can't everyone just answer every question they're given? Isn't curiosity healthy?

She stares up at him as his eyes bore holes into her pelt. Bright hues battle against dull tones in a momentary battle of expectation. Surely he would answer that one. And he does, it's a simple answer, a no. He's seen death, that much isn't surprising as he is a ShadowClan cat is he not? There are times where she forgets he isn't clan born. Chilledstar's reign had come to an end before she achieved sentience, so any cats that came before she knew to register words and repeat them back are always chalked up to being clan born. "Did you see it before the clan?" Puddlekit is never shy, never knowing when a question crosses a line. There is a new hunger, a curiosity targeted at his past as she attempts to rake claws down his walls.

"Are you prepared for it?" her dull meow cuts through his words as if she carried a sharp tongue. It's a genuine question, she can understand that one can never expect it but surely someone as prepared as Amberhaze was prepared for it. He always seems prepared for any changes in the weather, if there's a prey shortage or an outbreak of anything. His plans are bizarre but they are ones he seems to meticulously plan. It's intimidating to see him like this, she isn't scared by any means, she doesn't know how to be. But it is unnerving, while she can't describe it there is an annoying churn of her gut as nerves are tickled.

He seems to reclaim himself, bristling fur settles and she finds relief in that. "Hm... but you've really hurt others right? I guess that isn't the same." There is no conviction in the last part of her sentence. Isn't that close enough to killing? What if they passed away because their wounds got all infected or something? "So you're not dying then?" She asks, squinting and craning her ear for any signs of his coughing, not that she could really do anything but that curiosity strikes again.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ You have so ☂ much left to learn‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• 
  

• 

• PUDDLEPAW || She/her, kit of ShadowClan, 6 moons
  ♡ A short haired fawn rosette tabby and black rosette tabby chimera with copper eyes. Always seems to be judgmental.
  ♡ Mentored by Wormwatcher.
  ♡ Penned by Juice || message on discord (Ouijeejuice) for plots!
  ♡ Peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking.
  

​

 

[Amberhaze]

⚛︎₊˚‧ She would continue to persist, continue to pester in a way that made Amberhaze feel uncharacteristically animalistic. Her curiosity was common in those her age, she was young and impressionable, the walls within camp being the only world she had ever known. Of course as she grew older she would yearn for more, but the knowledge gained from within would only ever be a sliver of what the vast outward world had to offer. But he still couldn't help the feeling of wanting to silence her, if only to escape her barrage of invasive questions about something he had tried so hard to forget.

"What was your point?" She would ask, and he found the answer to come easier than expected. "My point...was t-to warn him. If y-you scare someone enough, h-hurt someone enough...It-It's a demonstration of w-what would happen if- if they tried t-to pull that dirty stunt again. A-And it'll be worse. M-Maybe...maybe next time t-they will die, y-you know? But-...Everyone s-should be given a chance t-to right their wrong b-before then. If they can. We don't kill j-just to kill. That- That's not what m-makes a warrior." He didn't know what she was taught or what she was told. He didn't know what Moltface may have preached to her during her upbringing, or what her clanmates had spoon fed her about the other clans and what should be done about them. Shadowclan was not popular, it was true. They had many enemies, all of which would surely relish the opportunity to sink their eager claws into any marshland pelt if given the chance. But that wasn't how it should be, not in Amberhaze's eyes. It wasn't how it had to be, and yet it was always how it was. Black and white.

"Did you see it before the clan?" Amberhaze's eye twitched at this, many times he had almost forgotten that he were not born to Shadowclan himself. It felt like so long ago that he had come here, stumbling across the road between his world and theirs. What could have become of him had Chilledstar not found him? If they had looked towards him with all the malice that was so commonly shown to their clan now? He remembered so little of that time...only the best and the worst. His response was curt, so quick he was to let the word slip from his twitching maw it seemed almost aggressive. "Yes." And now he began to will her to ask something else, anything else, just to avoid having to look back upon what he had willed to keep hidden.

"Are you prepared for it?" He opened his mouth in response, but to his surprise no sound fell from it. His expression had gone blank, and as he stood there with a slackened jaw he was shocked to find himself wondering; ...Am I? He always assumed he was, at least in theory. All of his strange habits that he exhibited throughout his life ever since that...How could that be anything other than preparation, than preventative measures for his safety and the safety of others? But after the recent war, the feeling of flesh splitting beneath his blood-stained talons... "I'm uh...prepared for t-the idea of it." But not everything it was. Not truly.

Amberhaze would not entertain her next question regarding whether or not he had hurt others. He was reminded then that she was still a kit, the way she almost seemed to gloss over the fact that he had cementing in his mind. He thought it was obvious, that it went without saying. He had harmed Addersnap whether intentional or not, the serrated edge of teeth and claws being anything other than gentle or harmless. It was almost...foolish to think that it wouldn't hurt. But hurt was not the same as dead. Of course it wasn't the same. And then...

"So you're not dying then?" The dissociative fog that had been threatening his clarity during their entire interaction almost immediately began to fade away as her voice cut through it. What kind of a question was that? He was standing on all four paws, cognitive enough to entertain her barrage of morbid nonsense wasn't he? Did she secretly hope he would say yes, say that he was suffering from some hidden terminal illness and now he would sporadically drop dead any day now as it progressed? A pink nose scrunched as he considered what on earth was even going through her mind. I'm sure she'd like that. But alas; "...No. No I'm not-...dying." With a sigh, his body would lose some of its tension, exhaustion beginning to settle inside his lanky form like stones. "Anything else?" The slight bite of attitude that sharpened his question was uncharacteristic of him, but he had never experienced an interaction such as this- interacted with a kit such as this- and he found himself utterly drained and...tormented.

✧ ° . ⚠︎ . ° ✧​

ooc Information

• ooc: —
• 

  AMBERHAZE — HE/HIM ･ 20 MOONS ･ LEAD WARRIOR OF SHADOWCLAN ･ PENNED BY SLOANE

  black oriental shorthair. a short but lengthy black cat with a boney build and striking ocher eyes filled with unveiled trepidation.