sensitive topics hello, hello // sandra

Jun 12, 2022
cw/ nothing explicit but some suicidal ideation and descriptions of a depressive episode

She's barely left the den since they've returned from war, cats christened ShadowClan with the blood of others. Her fur is short, so it avoids mats, but it's dull as Ash's had been when he was alive. She can't eat, and her last hunting excursion had ended horribly in a tearful breakdown far from camp.

Twilight feels like she has gone, too. That nobody has bothered to tell her yet. She is waiting for someone to say, "You're among the stars, Twilight. Your son is here."

But the only things people say are I'm sorry or Can I get you anything? Worse, most say nothing at all, avert their eyes when she walks by them. Ignore her when she does decide to speak. She's a dappled ghost among the living. She wishes she had been able to go away like one.

Twilight had once been the observant one, the cat who others went to for updates on colony life. She always knew who was pregnant, for certain--as a mother with a half-grown kit, she'd reveled in the chances to dote on babies again without being their full-time caregiver.

But Twilight has been so lost that she has not noticed the swell of her closest friend's belly. The quiet sweetness Sandra has always had replaced by something else, something the black and white molly cannot place.

She settles beside Sandra. It is only the two of them in the den--it's afternoon, and cats are hunting, building barriers. Working for Briar.

"How are you feeling?" Her voice is hoarse. But for the first time in what feels like moons, she meets another's eyes and feels seen.



Sandra ✧ She/Her ✧ Marsh Group. ░░░░░░░░░░░░░

The nursery felt so- bleak. Like the life in the den had been sapped by Ashs' death, by the colonization of Shadowclan, and Sandra could feel her own optism draining slowly. Ever since moving to the nursery she felt so disconnected from the rest of the clan. She didn't go out to talk to others, hadn't seemed to be eating all that much anymore and was watching her best friend destiorate before her eyes. Twilight suffered so much with Ashs' loss and her friends matted fur and lack of food intake proven that- perhaps they were both mourning? Though Sandra couldn't say if hers counted as a mourn and more so self-hatred and secondg guessing.

The black and white molly had joined beisde her and questioned how she was feeling. How was she feeling? Her interaction with Soot just before the split resonated with her- the stupid blue molly threatening her about her kits. Sandra could care less about those kits. Care less that Flint was their father and they'd never know it, and Sandra would make sure it was never known. Sandra felt helpless. Felt like she wasn't worth anything anymore now that Flint was gone, and her skills in the clan just seemed to lessen everyday.

The swollen she-cat looked to her friend with her soft green eyes and then down to her paws, "I feel- a lot," She answered softly which was the truth. Sandra felt so many things at one time and she didn't even know where to begin with most of it. Though part of her didn't want to bother Twilight with her issues. The poor molly was grieving the loss of a child- she didn't need the burden of Sandras' own problems on her shoulders.

A cinnamon body shifted slightly as her grow belly was weighing heavily on her, and she moved to face more towards Twilight, "A lot has happened and I just don't know what to think anymore," That happy tone seemingly vanished to be replaced with something more sorrowful. ​
Sandra's liveliness has been sapped away, a flower wilting and deprived of much-needed nectar. Twilight only frowns and watches her at first, her own problems briefly forgotten. Somewhere within her, an itch feels as though it's been scratched--that dreadful need to forget--and she grasps at it with feeble paws.

"Are you talking about Flint?" Twilight moves closer and reaches out to press her cheek against the tawny queen. "I'm so sorry, honey. I'm sure he died bravely." Tears threaten her vision but she manages to suppress them. Part of her wonders if that's what Sandra's truly grieving. Flint and Sandra hadn't seemed as close during the half-moon leading to the battle, though she isn't sure why.

Perhaps whatever that reason is, is bothering Sandra. Twilight pulls away and attempts to meet the cinnamon tabby's green gaze. "He'll be watching your kits, and I know he'll be so proud. You know... from the--the stars." She chokes on the word stars but holds it together. It's getting easier, she finds. As long as she focuses on Sandra and not--not anything else, she is fine.


Sandra ✧ She/Her ✧ Marsh Group. ░░░░░░░░░░░░░

'Are you talking about Flint The question left a sour taste in her mouth as Twilight pressed her cheek against her own. Was Sandra grieving Flint? Grieving the warm and welcoming blue tomcat she had met all those moons ago? Or was it just a memory she was greiving for as the image of him and Soot plagued her mind like a sick movie. Did Flint die bravely or was that just a ploy she was going to have to keep up for the rest of her life? Surely she could be honest with Twilight right? The black and white molly was her closest friend, Ash had been her psuedo apprentice of some kind- would she understand?

Twilight then went on to say he'd be watching their kits from the stars, and that he'd be proud of them. But did Sandra want that? Did she truly want to keep her promise to Soot of them being his legacy while he couldn't even be loyal himself? Was it all just words spit in anger and frustation with the blue molly? Sandra never truly understood why Soot was so aggressive with her, why she seemed to hate her when she had done nothing wrong to her- but suppose Flint would be somewhat of an answer. Even if Soot seemed to want his memory to be snuffed out like Ashs' life had been.

As composed as Sandra tried to be, her facade faltered and a few stray tears rolled down her cinnamon tabby cheeks, "I don't know if I want that anymore," She rasped as her emotions came flooding forward and Sandra put her face in her paws, "Flint left me to die on the battle field when we where fighting that point cat," The sobs made her voice waver and her words almos intangible, "Days before I saw him with Soot- she-shes having his kittens too," As the words tumbled from her mouth, Sandra fully broke down. Sobs racking her body as she swung her head and burrowed it into Twilights' shoulder, finding comfort in the mollys' scent and presence. If anyone would understand- it'd be her. Right?​
"I don't know if I want that anymore." Twilight's eyes widen, but she does not say anything. Sandra's voice cracks, and she lowers her face into her paws to sob. "Flint left me to die on the battlefield when we were fighting that point cat." Her body trembles with her sadness, and Twilight moves to put her paw on top of one of Sandra's.

Her mind races. Yes, she remembers the young point cat... she'd been preoccupied with him, rather than protecting her son from whoever had killed him. The flame point who'd refused to give up, no matter how badly they wore him down.

Flint had seen this, and had run away?

But Sandra isn't done. She cries that Flint had been seeing Soot on the side, and that her pregnancy had been the result of that.

"Bastard," she murmurs, heart hardening against him. "They're both foxhearts." Soot had never shown an ounce of shame despite being secretly pregnant with Sandra's mate's children. The queen had been haughty, proud, had even declared the moors her kingdom and claimed them under the guise of WindClan.

Twilight's frown is fierce. "I'm sorry, Sandra. I wish you had felt comfortable telling me sooner. I know I..." Green eyes fall to where their paws connect. "I've been... a bad friend."

It's true, but what was worse--being a bad friend, or being a bad mother?

She shakes her head, clenching her jaw. She won't cry. It's not about her right now. "Well, to hell with them both," she says. "I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. Your kits will grow up loved and happy in the marsh. In ShadowClan. I'll help you every step of the way." Her smile becomes sad. "I have experience, you know."


Sandra ✧ She/Her ✧ Marsh Group. ░░░░░░░░░░░░░

Those green eyes lifted to Twilight, watery with streams of tears down cinnamon cheeks, "No, no, you haven't been a bad friend at all, Twi," She assured her friend and pushed her head into the she-cats' shoulder, "You've been in mourning, and it took me so long to even wrap my head around it all," Twilight had lost her son, a cat who came from her and she had raised since he was just an itty thing of black and white fur. She had every right to mourn Ash for as long as she needed; he was her world. Sandra understood that more than anything.

Twilight then went on about how she would be there and help out in anyway she could, that she had been through it before. Those word relieved the pressure Sandra felt across her shoulders over being an only parent. She had never had kittens before and she hadn't even begun to prepare for them- they'd be due any week as of right now. The cinnamon molly gave a soft look through her tear-stained face, "I want to name one of my kits after him, no matter what they may look like- he meant so much to me, to Cloudy- to you of course," This look of determination crossed her gaze and she offered a watery smile.

"I wanna make sure his heroic actions and life are remembered for moons to come," Though Sandra couldn't bring herself to say his name. It tore so much at her chest to even think about that timid little face, the words of having no friends- catching prey. Ash was a one of a kind cat, even if his life was cut so short.​
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