private I ONLY WANTED TO BE PART OF SOMETHING [🐦‍⬛] puddlepaw

[LAVENDERPAW]

⋆⋅☽✪☾⋅⋆ As soon as she gets a moment away from Buzzardpaw and Marbleleaf, Lavenderpaw intercepts her. He stands there, tension coiled in his limbs and framing his spine, staring at the cut on her shoulder as if the force of his attention will reveal its history to him. Bugchaser's hesitant claws cut into his forehead again in his memory, a reminder of his humiliation. Had Puddlepaw fared any better?

"We lost," he observes, dragging his eyes back up to meet hers. She looks... stunned, is the word he settles on, but it's more than that, worse than that. It's the aftermath of the sickening surprise he felt when he first killed another living creature, but multiplied many times over. A crow's neck shattering between his teeth... he hopes he's putting the pieces together wrong. She's too young. It would have happened eventually, but... surely it's too soon. Mapletuft really did turn him soft, didn't she? Nonna would be cuffing his ears if she could hear his thoughts now. He should be relieved, and proud. Wormwatcher's training and his own advice had gotten her through this battle. But instead, he feels faintly ill.

"Are you alright? You look..." Unwell. Empty.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS REAL? ⋆⋅🐦‍⬛⋅⋆ 'CAUSE I'VE LOST MY WAY AGAIN ☾

• ooc ⋅ @Puddlepaw
  

• 

• LAVENDERPAW ✩ he/him, apprentice of shadowclan, 9 ☾'s.
  ⭃ a small, spiky-furred black smoke tom with odd eyes and low white
  ⭃ padding after no one / / mentored by none
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking ↛ see battle info here
  ⭃ penned by solaire ↛ @aurumbones on discord, feel free to ping for plots.

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[Puddlepaw]

How she managed to lose sight of Buzzardpaw she isn't sure, there is oddly a look of puzzlement across her features. Her sibling had been dragged away for apprentice duties she thinks, she supposes that it's fair since the day still needed to go on. There is annoying buzzing in her ears and she flexes her claws against the ground below. Swiping her paw at the marshland she squints as there is a slight pink tinge against the snow. Ah, it seems like it all wasn't washed away just yet. Instead of her sibling it is Lavenderpaw she finds, he was part of the battle too was he not? The memory is fuzzy already, anything other than Myrtlepaw's dying face is a blur. She believes she can see it for a moment reflected in the older apprentices eyes. Her gaze shifts down to her still flexing claws instead, not wanting to chance that expression again.

"We did" there is agitation laced into a normally monotone voice. Had it been for naught? Had everyone else truly been too weak to carry out what was needed? They needed that land didn't they? Then again according to Sharpshadow their leader had known they were going to lose, if she wasn't so stubborn maybe she too would question her. Instead she lets out a breaths she didn't know she was holding covering the tainted marsh with another pile of the muddy land, a blight no one else would need to bear witness to.

"I am fine" she cuts in where he questions. Why is everyone asking her that today? Should she not feel alright? Something is amiss but she can't name it, instead it just feels abyssal. "My claws just feel dirty is all." She huffs finally deciding to try looking at Lavenderpaw in the eyes once more. "Are you alright? Did your opponent survive?" Maybe that is the wrong word to use, she is curious though. Did anyone else lay waste to a life on the battlefield or was this something she would need to explore isolated? ​

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The song is loud and beautiful and I am so very afraid

PUDDLEPAWㅤBIOGRAPHYㅤ/ㅤTOYHOU.SE
: ̗̀➛ㅤfemale (she / her)ㅤ/ㅤunknown sexuality
: ̗̀➛ㅤ07 moons oldㅤ/ㅤages realistically, every 8th of the month
: ̗̀➛ㅤapprentice of ShadowClan for 02 moons
: ̗̀➛ㅤSister of Buzzardpawㅤ/ㅤApprentice of Wormwatcher
: ̗̀➛ㅤpenned by Juiceㅤ/ㅤmessage Ouijeejuice on discord for plots!

A slick rosette fawn tabby / rosette black tabby chimera. Quiet and calculating, struggles being able to describe or identify her own or others emotions. All opinions are IC as she can be quite harsh in her judgements.​

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[LAVENDERPAW]

She can't meet his eyes. It strike him as odd, unnervingly so; she's usually so unapologetic. "We did," and there it is again, another anomaly; agitation in her voice. As much as she insists she's fine, Lavenderpaw can tell she's really not.

His suspicions are cemented when she finally raises her eyes and asks about his opponent. What? "Puddlepaw, I wasn't in the battle." As much as he used to wish he was, hating how useless he felt stuck in camp instead of out there defending his Clan. Now he knows it was meant to be a failure. A show of resistance, Ternstar's desperate attempts not to make ShadowClan seem weak -- at least, not as weak as they would appear had they simply done nothing. Bitterness coats his tongue. She could have lost valuable warriors over a needless battle. Did it really matter, if the outcome paints then unfavorably either way? But what's done is done.

With a sigh, he shakes his head, focusing back on his friend. "The last battle I fought in was when we took the strip of land we just lost." His awareness of his scar grows uncomfortably sharp, the reminder of his weakness cut into his forehead for all to see. it's the reason he trains so hard now, eager to make up for his failure. He owes it to ShadowClan for feeding, sheltering and tolerating him for so long.

Puddlepaw is the same age as he had been in that battle. The thought strikes him suddenly in the gut, leaving him ill and embarrassed. "You killed someone, didn't you?" The look in her eyes, her insistence that she's fine, "Did your opponent survive?" Ternstar made a difficult decision, and the consequences are looking him dead in the face. Resentful warriors, a dead apprentice, and one who's felt a life drain away under the crushing grip of her jaws far too soon. Consequences, he thinks bitterly. As much as he respects the ability to live with them, it doesn't mean he has to like them.

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LAVENDERPAW. ㅤBIOGRAPHYㅤ/ㅤTOYHOU.SE
✦cis male (he/him)ㅤ/undetermined sexuality, padding after stonestrike
✦ㅤ9 moons oldㅤ/ㅤages realistically, every 16th of the month
✦ㅤapprentice of shadowclan for 3 moons
✦ㅤrosa x thymeㅤ/ㅤraised by his nonna
✦ㅤmentoring n/aㅤ/ㅤmentored by halfsun
✦ㅤpenned by solaireㅤ/ㅤmessage aurumbones on discord for plots!

lavenderpaw is a small, spiky-furred black smoke tom. the pupils of his sunlight-amber eyes are ringed in icy periwinkle. his paws and the bridge of his nose are startlingly white against his dark pelt. the tips of his ears are frostbitten, and a thin scar is visible on his forehead above his right eye. his clanmates know him as a reserved, solitary shadow around camp.