backwritten VISIONS OF A LIFE ⛧ FLINTWISH

[ASHENFALL]

˚₊‧ ⛧ The air is balmy and humid, cicada-song has long joined the symphony of the marsh, though Ashenfall thought he noticed their drone fading as the days passed by. Maybe it was just in his head, though. Cicadas were stupid little bugs, they didn't have the awareness he did of the impending close of Greenleaf, of the silence that was bound to follow.

The warmth that seeped through his chest was not merely a side effect of a sun-warmed marsh, though. He purred, chin resting on the cloud-gray of Flintwish's shoulder, the sway of the ferns they'd settled beneath dappling them in the hazy orange light of sunset. 'For a long time', they'd said, and he'd been stuck like a burr ever since. For as long as he'll have me, Ashenfall amended internally when their shared nest had been built, and he so quickly realized that he could no longer imagine falling asleep without the warmth of her beside him.

He knew it was difficult, he'd assumed that Flintwish would eventually figure out that he was too much trouble than he was worth, grow tired of him in all his crassness and fascination with morbidities. Maggotfur, much as he could not stand her, was correct in her assessment of him. It would be much easier if he was someone different. Flint, quick to bristle and then reasoned afterward, would assumedly have a low tolerance for the glaring faults he wore so plainly on his pelt. But days passed and Flintwish still sought him out, and Ashenfall couldn't help but entertain the thought of forever.

"I love you."

He says this, and perhaps it is the first time he's said it out loud. He shifts to nuzzle their cheek, and basks in the truth of it. It was a strange thing, to have someone to love, it overwhelmed his very being. Ashenfall was glad to have found her in the hollow of that tree all those moons ago, he would follow him anywhere he went to bring him back home, if she needed him to. He wanted to linger in this moment forever, but a too-cool breeze washes through the undergrowth and he blinks at its chill, anxiety creeping in to make a familiar nest in his gut. Greenleaf was coming to a close, it was this time last year that Halfshade had lain in her deathbed. When she and Smogstar were rearing Ashenkit and his siblings those precious few months before, did they think they had much more time than they did? A more recent memory, of Jaggedbite and Orchidbloom, newly-made mates, senselessly murdered by some phantom rogues. They thought they had forever.

Fate didn't seem too keen on allowing them their "forevers".

Ashenfall sits up, head spinning with his unfortunate cocktail of love and dread, and meets the blue-and-green glimmer of his mate's stare, "I'm-uh going to say something." It wasn't something he'd considered for long, quite honestly. Ashenfall didn't ever think himself capable of being that selfless, nurturing individual the task demanded of him. But he didn't think he was capable of being much of anything before, and perhaps he was being a lovestruck fool, but how much of that mattered? Leafbare was approaching. (His mind unintentionally flashed to the hisses and resentment Ferndance was met for kitting during the cursed season) He wanted...

"I want a kitten. Us to have one, I mean. Or two. Or however many-uh..." Ashenfall spoke. And kept speaking as the thoughts arrived, "I can carry them, 'cause you have Branchpaw and all and- if you want. I know it's..." Sudden? Impulsive? Stupid? "It's alright if you don't I just..." Am scared to lose this. "I think it'd be nice. To be a family."

YOULL ASK WHAT CAN I DO? ⭒☽⛧☾⭒ AND THERE WILL BE NO ANSWER

• OOC: @FLINTWISH
• 
• 
  — ashenkit . ashenpaw . ashenfall
  — he/him. 17mo warrior of shadowclan. formerly mentored by smogstar. mated with flintwish.
  — smogstar x halfshade. littermate to applejaw, swansong & garlicheart. older brother of halfsun and laurelgrin
  — a stout, longhaired blue torbie w/ pale blue and amber eyes
  — sarcastic, sharp-eyed, sulky, nostalgic, faithful, impulsive, candid, provocative, remorseful
  — "speech", thoughts
  — penned by eezy
  

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[FLINTWISH]

Flintwish's eyes are closed against the soft sun kisses. Training Branchpaw isn't easy — though Flintwish is supposed to be the experienced warrior, the truth is that training Chittertongue's kit takes the wind out of the both of them. Maybe it is a remnant of his yellowcough, or maybe it is the fact that he has no earthly idea what he is doing. But StarClan, it's so nice to come back to this, his and Ashenfall's purrs rumbling in deep chorus. Even in the humidity of late greenleaf, Flintwish savors the simple pleasure of the swaying ferns and singing cicadas. He wouldn't trade it for the world.

And thank StarClan he doesn't have to. For a long time, she'd said, and she'd meant it. Even if Wormwatcher and Maggotfur would rather see them separated, even if the universe itself sometimes seems hellishly intent on ripping them apart from one another, Flintwish would hold onto this like a branch in a raging river, his only lifeline. And it sort of is, isn't it? If he didn't have Ashenfall... he would be so lonely. Without an anchor. If he didn't have Ashenfall, he would've left ShadowClan moons ago, maybe even with Granitepelt — even if they hadn't known what they'd eventually become back then. If Ashenfall hadn't found him in that hollow, if Ashenfall hadn't coaxed him back to camp, if Ashenfall hadn't supported him through so much... who knows where Flintwish would be in some other miserable life.

But now he is resting beneath the chin of his mate. His mate. He'd never thought it possible before, but now they sleep in the same nest, and he knows he could never go back. Quietly, almost unconsciously, he stretches his white-dipped limbs, happy with the small aches of a hard day's work shooting up his joints. And then, so soft and sudden he almost doesn't register it, the simple admission: "I love you."

Blue-green eyes split open in pleasant surprise, only to squint shut beneath the force of his smile as Ashenfall nuzzles his cheek. It makes his chest stutter in equal parts joy and... something else. Something he would prefer not to name, cold and withering, but by StarClan he will not let it ruin this moment. She says it with all of her sincerity: "I love you too," and she presses her nose into him, just like she had the day they'd finally said it first and forever.

But there is still a chill in her gut, a cold salt spray of ocean waves against her spired soul. Flintwish's mind follows Ashenfall's through forevers cut too short. Through the graveyard to Nettlepaw's corpse, his brother who never even had a fair chance at love or warriorhood; through Starlingheart's perfect romance gone sour; through Jaddedbite and Orchidbloom, gone at the genesis of their life togheter; through Halfshade, a cat who had died as a direct result of Flintwish's selfish will to live. He tries to shrug the guilt away, but stars, is has always lain so heavy on his back. And now he becomes aware of it anew, understands Smogstar's grief in retrospect. He would do anything to avoid it. He has already been through so much — and so has Ashenfall, their lives braided together by tragedy.

But he doesn't want it to just be tragedy that brings them together. The fear in him bristles as Ashenfall begins his thought, insecurity tugging at Flintwish's shirtsleeves. "Okay," she murmurs, ears twitching as she waits for what's to come.

And when it comes, it is as shocking as it is... exciting. She is sure it is excitement, warm and spilling through her limbs, her ears. Flintwish shifts into a seat of her own, no longer entwined in her mate's warm downy fluff. "Kits?" she echoes, the corners of her mouth unable to decide whether to make a round little 'o' or break into a wide smile. Kits would mean a lot of things — would mean responsibility, and nurturing and care, and is Flintwish any of those things? Sure, he and Branchpaw are doing okay, but... kittens of his own? His mind floats through the past, his own childhood. He had been so alone. His littermates had been all he'd really had, and both of them are dead or gone now.

But maybe... maybe kits could be a chance to change all that. He could make it different for them, could coddle them in a way Granitepelt never had, could keep them close. Her heart speeds its pace. It's a big change to make, a big responsibility to share, but... that's sort of the thing, isn't it? It would be shared, something she and Ashenfall can do together, a first time for the both of them. Wouldn't it be wonderful to share that? To restart, to reclaim the things he'd never had, and do it with the one cat that loves him?

Ashenfall blurts whatever logistics he's thought of, and Flintwish's face finally settles into a warm smile. It's probably the most he's smiled since Ashenfall had said yes to sharing nests, to being mates. He leans forward, touching his nose to Ashenfall's ear affectionately, an action he'd never thought he'd take in his apprenticeship (he'd never thought he was very cuddly at all, but it just feels right now). And despite all of the fear that still leaps through the gaps in his ribs, Flintwish utters, "I, um, yeah." He nuzzles a bit deeper, purring over the second guessing. It would be nice, and he'd savor the moment, stars damn it. "Let's, um. Yeah. I want that, too. A family."

But the fear reaches its peak. It climbs its throat, constricting it, and Flintwish must focus to steady his breath. Cautiously, he ventures, "but, um... how do you think...?" They aren't exactly compatible, in this sense, but Flintwish knows kit-napping is below the both of them. Lest he end up like... oh, StarClan. "And I don't, um..." his breathing interrupts him, coming in quicker and quicker bursts. "I just, I don't want to be like, um, like...." And he can't quite get it out. This terrible guilt that has plagued him since kithood, the terrible mirror that he is. "... Like my dad."

used to be one of the rotten ones ( and i liked you for that ) //

• ooc.
  
• FLINTWISH —— warrior of shadowclan, mentoring branchpaw . granitepelt x starlingheart . littermate to nettlepaw, ghostmask . mates with ashenfall ✦ penned by meghan
  
  ✦ a small, slate-blue tom with mismatched blue and green eyes. hard to approach and harder to enjoy, but beneath his spines he seems to have a good heart, and cares for his clanmates
  ✦ unlabeled gender / he, she, they pronouns / 16 moons & ages every 12th
  ✦ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / underline & tag account when attacking
  —— will start fights / may flee / may show mercy. tends to fight dirty on account of granitepelt's teachings. will fight tooth and nail to win, as this is one of the few ways flintwish can prove his worth to himself
  
  ✦ "speech", thoughts, all opinions are in character
  ✦ full biography — msg on discord for plots — toyhouse
  

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