private wake and ache for your life || duckshimmer

Ahead of her, the marsh opens. Each squelch of mud against her dirtied paws is an embrace, the patter of rain against the needled canopy above her a lullaby. Ahead of her: the world. Betonyfrost's eyes are elsewhere, the ground and the slivers of silver-gray sky. There is something healing about it—an old comfort. A soothing poultice on the ache in her heart, but it doesn't heal her.

"I truly cannot stand you sometimes," Betonyfrost says without heat—she doesn't know why she says it.

Her companion is one born out of necessity; Betonyfrost remains fastidious to the rules, even when so many of her peers are lax to them. She had wanted to be out here, she had wanted the Newleaf scents and the green sights. She had wanted with an intensity not normally felt for her home to be a part of it, if only for a little while. Duckshimmer, perhaps to Betonyfrost's misfortune, had been available.

"You—" Betonyfrost starts as if she is going to say more. It is easier to talk like this, watching well-trodden mud rather than Duckshimmer's face, but it doesn't make it simple. She considers her words carefully, not to avoid offence, but to find the root of what she means. "What am I supposed to make of you?"

@Duckshimmer

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 30 moons | tags
 
*+:。.。 Betonyfrost is such a lovely, admirable figure. She's long since accepted that she's one of few, if not the only one, who believes this. Her affection does not cease when the pleasant woman beside her breaks through the silence with a dagger. A dull one, granted, but a dagger nonetheless. Duckshimmer simply can't help herself - a smile blossoms over her maw. Quickly though, she forces it away, dropping the beam into more of a twinkle as she shifts her gaze seemingly towards the horizon. But Betonyfrost remains in the corner of her sight, the only thing she can truly focus on. No, to answer your unspoken question, Duckshimmer doesn't enjoy the disdainful words presented to her. Betonyfrost's frostiness is as enjoyable as the mud squelching between her tones, tangling in her fur, staining it unfavorably ochre.
But my, how beautifully this dagger glows. One forgets to admire the shape and shine of a blade when it frightens them. But in a clan where camaraderie matters so much, a cat who's unwilling to sheath their weapon of choice - rather, to brandish it freely; waving it in the air and slicing at anyone and anything...why, it's such a breath of fresh air.

"Oh? Have I done something to earn your ire, my dear?" she asks, curious for the answer though believing it to be a superficial one. Was it her looks? Her confidence? Her open flirtatiousness with Chilledstar and other members of the clan? Could it be because she was the mother of some of Shadowclan's most obnoxious crotch goblins? Or did Betonyfrost have a whole new reason to detest Duckshimmer? Either way, she knows she'll be hearing about it soon - and how exciting it'll be!

It's Betonyfrost's remorseless honesty that intrigues Duckshimmer the most. The unapologetic way this woman exists, a weed among daisies and proud of it. How freeing it must be, to demand others step aside or be stepped on, a puppet for no one else. It's fun to watch from a distance, an amusing show that never ceases in its promises to entertain. To experience it up close, Betonyfrost seemingly playing nice with Duckshimmer for some tantalizingly unknown reason, leaves the woman helplessly hopeful. Perhaps this is the start of a wonderful friendship.

'What am I supposed to make of you?'

Duckshimmer's eyes twinkle. "Well, if you're open to suggestions" she purrs, all porcelain teeth and amused, upturned eyes, "why not a friend?" It's a wonderful day when sincerity can be turned into a weapon by another's hand.




  • GENERAL:
    Duckshimmer
    DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
    30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
    Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
    Shadowclan — Warrior



    COMBAT:
    Physically hard | mentally hard
    Attack in bold #ffa98f
    injuries: None currently
 
Why, Duckshimmer asks, without using that word. Why Betonyfrost doesn't like her—nobody has ever asked Betonyfrost that before. For anyone else, Betonyfrost would have a number of things to spit without thought. For Duckshimmer, Betonyfrost needs to turn her round head Duckshimmer's way, because there isn't an immediate thought that comes to her that doesn't sound pathetic to her own wilted ears.

"I'm not a dear," Betonyfrost answers instead. After a pause, she adds, "And neither am I a darling."

It isn't until Duckshimmer next speaks that Betonyfrost bristles. It starts at her tail and climbs her body, all the way to her pointed shoulders. She thinks of Frostbite, strangely enough. His offer to comfort her in her grief and her immediate refusal—the reactions of her listening peers after she had snapped, the embarrassment that had followed when Frostbite hadn't matched her in her anger.

Even remembering that, Betonyfrost's next words are accusatory.

"You're patronizing me." It would be just like Duckshimmer, Betonyfrost decides. Her fur settles in reverse to how it had risen, slower to fall than it had been to rise. "You'll need to find someone else to shove in the mud if you are looking for a laugh. It isn't going to be me."

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 30 moons | tags
 
*+:。.。 Duckshimmer is neither surprised nor is she upset. She merely blinks sweetly as Betonyfrost finally turns to look at her. The toxic green of her eyes, venomously bright, glows upon that stoney grey face of hers - like a sprout shoving through the cracks of a broken boulder. Just like the surprise of a life finding purchase in an otherwise infertile spot, so too does Duckshimmer see a glow of potential. A little invitation that might've gone unnoticed had she focused more on the snapping of teeth rather than the words they'd formed a moment prior.

"I haven't, then?" Her eyes glitter and gleam. It doesn't take a mind-reader to know Betonyfrost has nothing on tap against Duckshimmer. If she had, she would've said it. If she had, she wouldn't have taken this time to spend with Duckshimmer. Keeping in step with Betonyfrost, refusing to slow or fall behind, Duckshimmer can only chuckle. "My, you are truly your own worst enemy, my-" she pauses, catching herself. Resuming her smile, she continues, "Patronizing you? I could never. Pity you, on the other hand? Maybe, but only a tad. You just remind me of a wolf with its jaws stuck on a bone" A creature that has no reason at all to be so afraid, yet by its own doing...well.

Now it's her turn to survey her paws as they walk. She turns over the mud comment in her head. She notices a particularly deep patch of it where she plans to step next and lifts her paw away. Then, after a half-second of consideration, carefully presses it down on the mud patch instead. Her foot sinks, and she's spiked with the thought this is going to be difficult to groom later. Her smile drops in an instant.

"No, no, I apologize, I was incorrect," she lifts her periwinkle gaze, their glow a stormy blue now, trained towards the horizon ahead. "I neither wish to patronize you, nor do I pity you. No, no, I envy you." Flexing her claws in the mud, she images nameless cats jeering, maws upturned in disgusting smiles that make her skin crawl. "You believe you'd be a sight worth laughing at in the mud? Honey, you'd look like a proper Shadowclanner! I on the other hand..." She lifts her muddy paw, turning it over to look at all sides. Soft pads lost in the squish of filth, her carefully groomed fur scruffy and crawling with who knows what sorts of bugs. She...enjoys the feeling. Cold and thick on her hand, somehow keeping her cool and warm at the same time.
But she can't stand the sight of it.
"Now, if you push me into the mud, I'd cease to be Duckshimmer" the woman would meow, her voice carefully neutral, but the tinge of resentment still bites through. What could be funnier than that?

She turns suddenly and smiles at Betonyfrost, periwinkle eyes aglow once more, " Would it make you laugh if you threw me in?" she asks, genuinely curious.



  • GENERAL:
    Duckshimmer
    DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
    30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
    Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
    Shadowclan — Warrior



    COMBAT:
    Physically hard | mentally hard
    Attack in bold #ffa98f
    injuries: None currently
[/COLOR]​
 
Pity, Duckshimmer corrects, as if it is something different than condescension at its roots. Pity, at least, is something that Betonyfrost has grown used to. Comfreypaw is dead and Betonyfrost can be pitied if she remembers to be quiet for long enough that her clanmates forget her teeth. Betonyfrost is allowed pity as long as she doesn't take issue with the kits of her daughter's killer sleeping in the very same nursery that Comfreypaw had been born in. Duckshimmer can pity Betonyfrost and not see that it comes from a place of superiority.

"You don't even hear yourself," Betonyfrost's mouth curls unevenly, showing a single fang. It isn't a snarl, not fully, but it is disagreement.
x
But then Duckshimmer corrects herself. Betonyfrost slows without pausing and watches Duckshimmer. Envy, Duckshimmer says. She envies Betonyfrost—and Betonyfrost snorts, shakes her head despite herself. She's supposed to believe that Duckshimmer sees something in her that is worth wanting; she's supposed to believe that Duckshimmer finds something in the many misfortunes that have made her life that is covetable.
x
Duckshimmer focuses on her muddied paws; Betonyfrost hasn't paid attention to her own, not for a while. It is a part of living in the marsh: touching the world and being touched in turn. It would be unfair, had they been allowed to leave their prints all over the territory without being marked in turn. But Duckshimmer is pretty and clean and oh-so above the world. In her dreams, mud would slough off of her like water from her namesake. ​

x
"You would still be Duckshimmer," Betonyfrost doesn't say it to soothe—her thin voice offers nothing positive to the name, "No amount of mud would make you anything but what you already are."
x
But would Betonyfrost laugh?
x
No, Betonyfrost thinks. She wouldn't laugh. She wouldn't even throw Duckshimmer down into the mud, not unless she was dragging herself down along side Duckshimmer in a fight.
x
"From my gut," Betonyfrost answers; she doesn't allow her thoughts to leave silence in the conversation. She doesn't know the last time she's laughed genuinely—before Roosterstrut was taken, maybe. Before a countless number of things. "If I'm throwing you in the mud it's because you've done something to earn it, despite what everyone thinks of me."
x
A pause: she searches Duckshimmer, considers for the first time that Duckshimmer might have been serious—if not about being envious of Betonyfrost, then of wanting to be on good terms. "Is that what you expect from me? Cruelty without reason?"

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 30 moons | tags
 
*+:。.。 Talking to Betonyfrost is like treading the line along a cliff's edge. It's dangerous. One false move and splat, all efforts to get to the other side wasted in an instant. But my, how exciting it is! Normally when she plays so careful with her word choice it's to ensure a cat sees her as a delicate flower rather than a fragile mouse to be snapped up in a single bite. Today, the goal is simply to befriend the woman. A hard-edged, weathered down, withered husk of a woman. A boulder that has broken in two. A little, beautifully green weed blossoming through the cracks.

She can sense the other's eyes on her, the contemplation. As of late, Betonyfrost has been nothing but a snarling, biting mess - a wolf with its teeth stuck in a bone, cowering in the shadows. Why? Because she bit down too hard; because the bone wouldn't break? Her doing, the world's doing, did it really matter? Betonyfrost was angry, hurt, pitiable, and all so unnamably charming. Despite all that, she sticks around. Every chance she could've had to throw Duckshimmer off that cliff, she didn't take.

However, Betonyfrost does manage to finally hit a nerve.

Hurt flashes oh so briefly in Duckshimmer's soft blue eyes. There's a sudden, desperate need in her to disagree with the woman. To explain it all carefully so that even Betonyfrost speaks to her with a soothing kindness she inexplicably, hungrily needs. Dewy eyes glance at Betonyfrost's sullied feet and reflect with a twinge within her chest how there is not a care in the world for which part of Shadowclan she treads. She was welcome anywhere. She enjoyed all of it.
It felt suddenly all too silly of her to care so much where Betonyfrost walked, attention shifting to her own feet. Duckshimmer's paws, in contrast, were carefully dry. Each step had been calculated to ensure it. Moons of practice - far too many - made her aware of each step; the give of the ground, the right way to sidestep without looking clumsy- silly things, but they gave her results.
To avoid the mud was, of course, impossible, and Duckshimmer wouldn't waste her time on such efforts if she were hunting or fighting. But on a casual, relaxed walk, when she had no excuse not to care, the thought spiked through.
It'll be too difficult to groom out.

What if you stopped being Duckshimmer?

A prim and proper creature, so perfect that mud and grime slide off her pelt like water. One can't help but envy her. They have to. Her efforts ensure they look upon her as something to envy, to admire, to protect. A delicate flower to be plucked and treasured. That's Duckshimmer. Anything else would be a mouse with its twig of a neck exposed, laughably easy to snap in two.

She flicks her paw.

Shaking off some of the mud - and with it, the hurt - with ease. Oh well, it was an odd topic she shouldn't have started anyway. However, in a way, Betonyfrost's lack of understanding only enforces Duckshimmer's envy - her admiration - for the other woman.

Her eyes twinkle when Betonyfrost responds again. She reads the sarcasm, of course, but she's now picturing this snarky, scarred woman bending over herself, cackling for the first time in a long time. The mental image makes Duckshimer's smile grow just a little wider. "You're making me want to earn it, then" she shifts a little closer to the stony woman, eyes mischievous as she tempts fate, "If I call you 'my dearest darling', would that do it?"

But the moment grows quiet, and Betony's green stare weaves around Duckshimmer like a rope of vines. The woman senses the shift in the atmosphere and allows the playful gleam to fade. She lifts her head, meeting Betonyfrost's gaze. Studying her back, she considers the source of this suddenly heavy inquiry. Does Duckshimmer expect cruelty without reason from Betonyfrost?
Cruelty, sure.
Without reason?

She thinks about Lilacfur's kits, about Frostbite trying to comfort her, about her quick snap at Duckshimmer's efforts today and... " I've seen how cruel you can be, and I've seen the reasons behind them. Many of them I can agree with" She speaks matter-of-factly, almost with a dismissive shrug. But wonders, then, about Betonyfrost's view of herself. Did a boulder care about who saw it's cracks? Did that little weed loathe those who did not take the time to water it?

She smiles once more, lifting her slightly muddied paw, she purrs, " But this? Throwing me in the mud? I wouldn't label it cruel if it's in play" Glittering eyes dancing, and she aims to lightly dab at Betonyfrost's shoulder, "Right now, it's just you and I, no one around to stare or judge. Can't it be a clean slate? " Her attention trails, focusing past Betonyfrost to stare almost longingly at the puddle of mud. "Do you remember being a kit, Betonyfrost? When throwing each other into the mud had nothing to do with anything or anyone, only us and...just mud" she asks, almost afraid of the answer. Afraid that Betonyfrost still holds any memory of the past. Afraid, perhaps even more, that she doesn't.

She feels her age, then. These walls built of her pristine fur and carefully timed sparkling eyes - she feels them press inwards. Betonyfrost's irritated gaze, and the imaginary yet oh-too-real eyes of all-too-hungry cats pushing in from the outside. More than ever she feels so painfully childish. About the mud or the teasing, she isn't sure. But she finds herself licking clean her muddied paw, an itch of discomfort running up her spine.

This...she was acting improperly.
  • //disclaimer, it was 2am when I first wrote this, and 1:30am when I edited, so forgive me if nothing makes any sense aaghggh


  • GENERAL:
    Duckshimmer
    DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
    30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
    Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
    Shadowclan — Warrior



    COMBAT:
    Physically hard | mentally hard
    Attack in bold #ffa98f
    injuries: None currently
 
Betonyfrost knows even less of what she is supposed to make of Duckshimmer—something to do with the dawning realization that she is genuine in this. It isn't a drawn out and overdone joke to Duckshimmer: she looks at Betonyfrost and sees someone worthy of jealousy and, stranger still, someone to befriend. The disbelief lingers, despite that. Betonyfrost bends like the tufty grasses along the Thunderpath away from Duckshimmer's touch moments too late to avoid it. Her heart thumps in preparation for a fight that isn't to come.

It feels shockingly similar to horror.

Of course I remember,” Betonyfrost answers instead—it feels like an out, like the simpler thing to say, up until Betonyfrost abruptly realizes that it isn’t. There is a weight to the rosy days of her youth—the knowledge that it will be pulled out from beneath her and that her former bonds were doomed to wilt. There had been a day, if not in Betonyfrost’s youth, then in Duckshimmer’s, that mud became something more than what it was.

But I’m too old for play like that,” Betonyfrost concludes—there had been a day in her own youth where her usual games had become meaningless. She thinks of bronzed leaves and the sparse piles they make in Leaf-fall, and she remembers turning her young face away in what was then a new disinterest. Watching Duckshimmer clean her paw rankles something in Betonyfrost; she remembers the gulf between them. “I’ve spent long enough trying to be careful to know I’m terrible at it. You, however, have perfected it.

Duckshimmer would still be Duckshimmer under mud—and Betonyfrost considers that she may like Duckshimmer less for it. Perfection brought with it an intolerance for the world, and the pursuit of it made a clear divide in Betonyfrost’s mind. Better than the ugliness of the marsh—better than her. Betonyfrost lifts her own paw and aims to press it to Duckshimmer’s shoulder, as Duckshimmer had done to her.

Alright,” Her voice comes quiet, assessing her work, “I’m willing to… to have a clean slate, as you said.
shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 31 moons | tags