"WE ARE THE BROKEN ONES, WHO CHOSE TO SPARK A FLAME"
It was strange, to hear words that felt like bile in her mouth be called good. Stranger still, to hear the one that had split her gut open say that she didn't trust her. She didn't like this. Never had she been in a conversation where hatred was laid so bare and open, and it tore into her. It felt wrong to say it to someone else and to hear it said to her. Worse to hear it perhaps, if only because Cinderfrost was all too good at saying it. Laid out every grisly detail of what had caused her claws to burrow into the leader's belly that day.
Emberstar had not understood it, not really. The haze of adrenaline and fear that had clouded her thoughts during the attack had stopped her from fully realizing what her attacker was telling her. Since, she had not given it much thought. Had tried not to, really. Now though, it was impossible to deny. As word after word of anger was spit into her face she physically recoiled, ears flattening back against her head and eyes going wide. It was impossible for her to find her voice, even as the other mollies words turned away from vitriol, until silence had fallen.
That silence sat for a long time.
"I didn't." She protested weakly. There was so much for her to refute, but one felt important above all the rest. Tears threatened her, but she pushed them back. Even now, she didn't want to cry in front of anyone else. She'd do that on her own time. "I didn't turn a blind eye. I had no idea she would do that, and if I had I would have stopped her myself. Friend or foe. Letting an enemy kill her friend was unacceptable, but doing it herself? That felt better somehow. She would have tried not kill, as ever, but if there had been no other way. It was the standing aside that felt wrong. "I just-"
Words. Too many and not enough, all tangling in her mind. She wasn't any good at this, but right now it felt important to try. For some reason it was Cinderfrost, despite everything, that she needed to understand this above everyone else.
"I couldn't do anything in that battle. Everything was happening all at once, and I couldn't stop any of it. When I tore away from fighting you I went to protect Blinding Star, and before I had even gotten to him his eyes-" she trailed off. What she meant needed no explanation. "All I could do was provide cover for him to get outta there." The bloody scene hung in her mind, it was like nothing else she had ever witnessed before or since. It made her stomach turn.
"Did you ever meet Haku?" the words croaked out suddenly, and Emberstar cleared her throat after. "I mean, probably not. Before... it happened, I trained him. Because I could tell things were getting bad, even if I didn't really understand it. I thought that would be enough to keep him safe." She hesitated. What else was she supposed to say? "I don't know what happened to him. All I know is that I saw him come down from the stars after."
Desperately, she tried to find the other molly's eyes again. "If I could have done anything in that battle, no one would have died. On either side. But it was just all too much. Every moment someone else I had met was dying. So I just fought and I fought, fought with all the faces I knew and fought against all the faces I didn't. I didn't see Ash die. I only saw the body, after. Just another-" She cut herself off with a frustrated noise. The way she was saying that was wrong and she knew it, but she didn't know how to say it better. She was no good at this. At this heart-wrenching honesty. She was no good at it and it hurt her.
Eventually she caught on the word 'just'. That felt like the problem. All of the losses of that day were too big for that word. Still, she took another try at the whole sentence just to be safe. She spoke carefully, giving each word its due weight. "I am as responsible for his death as I am all the others I couldn't save." Which she was. Each and every life she had failed to save was her responsibility, at least a little. She knew there was no way she could have saved them all. That didn't mean she shouldn't have. It was for all of them, all those that were gone that she was reminded of every day, that she built this clan.
Her breathing was strange, now. She didn't want to relive those memories. Never had she forgotten all of that, but there was a difference between simply remembering and actively thinking about it all. One was a responsibility, the other was a torment. That was the reason for her smile, and not just for herself either.
"And I'm not fooling anyone. They were there, Cinderfrost. None of them are going to forget that bloody day just because I'm nice to them." Her tone was less defensive, less desperate this time around. Incredulity crept into it at the thought that her 'honeyed words' were going to do all that. "Thunderclan needs to be a nice place. It has to be free of the horrors of that battle, for the sake of the cats that are still here. I know not everyone who comes here will be a friend, but I want to give them all a chance to be. That's the type of place I want this clan to be. "
Even though her day had barely begun, she felt exhausted. Looked it too. The conversation had visibly drained her in a manner that was uncharacteristic of her usual energy. She looked emptier, more hollow than when she had began. The words she had spoken made her want to gag. There were a thousand emotions fighting within her and she hated them all, but couldn't name a single one.
"But good," Emberstar replied with a smile, her first since she had snapped at her medicine cat. "I'm glad you apologize for all that." Even if she didn't want to accept it. "I'm glad you agree to help this clan." Even if she wasn't sure she believed it. "And, I hope we can be friends, eventually. Even though we don't trust each other." Because of that, actually.
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