There’s a lingering sense of grief in Toadpaw’s form today - one that seems to stick around a little more than it usually does these days. Of course, he mourns - Ragwortpaw’s death will probably stick with him forever, the thought that his sister now lives somewhere within the night’s sky, adorned with glimmering stars while he stands in the oak forest on his own without her. Taken too soon, she was. She should be here too.
And when Howlingstar calls for a meeting, the grief only grows in twisting lonesomeness - a sudden realization of what’s to happen this moon. Of course, Toadpaw is old enough now; has been working diligently towards this moment despite all that has happened, pushing himself into his training in search of a distraction. He’s to become a warrior today, he’s certain. Though Stonepool hasn’t told him such, he hasn’t told him otherwise, either. His mentor’s too busy these days anyways, his head swirling with thoughts of another. Forgetful, distracted - just as Toadpaw feels like he is as of late.
But, he’s been doing good, he thinks. He’s been training so hard.
And Ragwortpaw, she would’ve been training hard too. She would’ve been here beside him, today - earning a name suitable for her livelihood, for her curiosity and cheerful demeanor. Ragwortheart, maybe. Toadpaw thinks it would be fitting.
His scrawny form moves toward the Highrock, lingering towards the front of the crowd. He ought to be up towards the front - it’ll be easier to step forward when his name is called.
And there are many apprentices, Howlingstar says, that will be graduating today. Toadpaw knows this, knows how many of his peers have been training hard too. Little Wolf’s daughter, Sunfreckle and Rabbitnose’s first litter - it would be no surprise that they are becoming warriors today as well. He’s glad for this, to be honest. Glad his peers will become warriors today too, glad that he won’t be alone in moving out of the apprentice den.
But, his relief is short-lived. The loneliness he feels weaves a web around him, and tangles him within it.
His name isn’t called. Oh.
Moonpaw, Mousepaw, Frecklepaw, Sparkpaw and Lightpaw are all called to step forward, and he is not. Another name missing from the list, just as Ragwortpaw will forever be. Toadpaw will not join them this moon, as he should’ve been.
His heart sinks, and a cerulean gaze lowers. How could he be so foolish? There was a reason Stonepool hadn’t said anything to him, and this was it. Not forgetfulness, not him being too busy spending time with Nightdust instead. All of his hard work, it feels like it’s been for nothing, now. How could he be a strong warrior - a good warrior - if he’s to be made one later than his peers?
His ears are ringing - a tone nearly sharp enough to drown out the remainder of the ceremonies. They are named; no longer apprentices but Moonwhisper, Mousenose, Freckleflame, Sparkwing, and Lightstrike. And Toadpaw remains as is.
He should be up there. Ragwortpaw should be up there. One of them, at least.
Half-heartedly, he repeats their names and tries to be happy for them. They deserve this too, despite the envy gnawing at him, the melancholy. They’ve worked hard. Harder than he has, he supposes.
He doesn’t hear the rest of the meeting, wrapped up in his own thoughts. Next time, he’ll assure himself later. For now, he just wants to curl up in his nest, to cower away in the apprentice den for a few moments before the new warriors arrive to collect their things.
