Pollenfur's words strike a chord in Hyacinthbreath's cold heart, sends her reeling in thought as she speaks. This seems to be a pattern tonight, it seemed. She must have struggled, living out there alone with only herself to talk to. Hyacinth knew how that felt, but she also wanted so eagerly for Pollenfur to make sense in this moment. And then she does, such a miracle in doing so- Hya keeps her eyes on Pollen as she talks about her family, about her parents. She doesn't say anything, doesn't try to relate to the molly- this was her time to talk, and Hyacinth would let her.
It wasn't against the rules to ask questions like these.
In this moment, she wasn't Hyacinthbreath the Lead Warrior. She was Hyacinth, a cat of the past. She sees herself in Pollenfur, and that terrified her.
"I suppose this is my long-winded way of asking you... what is she to you, this mad woman? Why choose to soil your claws for her? Soil your soul?"
Pollenfur's question is heard, but not reacted to too much outwardly. Hyacinth seems to idle momentarily, as if processing the words- she'd never been asked that before, never been doubted on her moralities. She hesitates for a moment, hearing the follow-up soon after. "Because I fear that's what you are doing right now." Hyacinth's eyes shoot back up to look at Pollenfur, measuring the seriousness of this talk, of this conversation. Was it really worth it, baring herself to Pollenfur right now? A cat she barely knew that well?
Hyacinth takes a deep breath, gathering herself before she begins. "She's all I have left." She answers simply at first, eyes squinting as she tries to find a good way to explain herself, her position. Someone was giving her a chance to talk about herself, and here she was gawking like a shocked goose. The silver lynx takes a shaky breath in once more, struggling not to breathe like a child pushed into a corner. But she walks, and continues to walk- finding the multi-tasking rather calming after a while.
"I'm not from these lands, ja?" Hyacinth begins with a shaky voice, her normally stoic expression cracking- revealing the walls built beneath, the insecurities, the fear. "My homeland is far from here. We lived in a colony, back then. Not so much like the Marsh and Pine colonies, or the ones we live in today. We.. Lived under the Deity's rule, back then, my parents and I." She meows, already beginning to tell herself to shut up, just shut up!, as if that would help her feel better. She knew it wouldn't. The world flashes to black, and she's a young tom again, desperately trying to seek out the Deity and her mother's approval. Always desperate, always needy for recognition. She shakes herself from the flashbacks, struggling to focus with what to say once more. She's reminded, then, that Pollenfur might not know of the Deity. "The Deity was.. Was like StarClan is for us now, in a way. But he lived in our world. Walked where our paws walked. And we worshipped him, because he took care of us. Or.. Or I thought he did."
A shiver wracks down the molly's spine and she feels stupid for even talking about this. "My parents and colonymates died when I was still young. The Deity convinced them to eat.. Deathberries. Told them it would bring them 'home', back to where they came from. A test of loyalty, he said." She meows bitterly, lip quivering as she fights back the single, angry- mournful tear that slips down her cheek. She didn't cry, Hyacinth had tried to stop crying- STOP CRYING! She halts then, angrily wiping away the tear that dared slip down her cheek. "But this has nothing to do with the topic, does it?" She bitterly muttered to herself, violet-aquamarines stare up at Pollenfur, expecting her pity. Expecting her 'how does this have anything to do with your loyalty to sootstar?'. She was expecting it, but at this point she wouldn't blame her. Pollen hadn't come for the full sobstory, the full 'oh, poor hyacinth' moment. She came for her motivations behind standing with Sootstar, and the answer is stated as plainly as that.
"How can I stain my soul, when I already have? I have nobody else to follow, no other purpose in life. My purpose died when my family did. Sootstar is all I have left of people I can believe in. She.. She's j-just.. Going through.. A lot right now. That-That would explain why she's acting so brash lately." She shakily musters out, biting at her inner cheek. A reminder. "Even if I were to disagree with her, I would be just as bad as the traitors. Just- Just as bad as those who pose a threat to the Clan. Without unity, there is only chaos."