private when we say goodbye // needlefam

[splashdance]

Snowypaw has spoken to Ferndance, though she knows that she would've proceeded with her wants with or without her mother's blessing. She continues in a manner that makes most sense to her - to gather her siblings and mothers in a place safe for them to speak, and unleash the unfortunate upon them: that she is leaving.

"... Lichentail, I think is her name. I saw her at the last gathering - she's the deputy, so she's supposed to be at all gatherings," Snowypaw details her plan as if she's practiced every syllable a dozen times now. Her smile is unwavering, as is her hope that no one in her family will harbor dislike for her for making this decision. Once she goes, she knows the border will deign them enemies - she knows that their love may very well be tested. But... she hopes that it will transcend the limits of their territories all the same. Ferndance still loves Pikesplash, after all.

"I'll speak with her," she continues. "And say something like, 'Hi, my name is Snowypaw. My father lives with you.' They'll have to take me in then. After all - what Clan would deny an apprentice of their blood?" Snowypaw quirks a grin, yet her chest hurts regardless. Her ears turn back as she continues, "If she takes me with them, then tonight is the last night I'll see you guys. If not... well, don't clear my nest so soon, okay?"​

 

[SHADEPAW]

Shadepaw was still processing his heritage. For so long, his parents had been Ferndance and Needledrift. Only Ferndance and Needledrift. Then a third one was added in, and that wasn't the problem, really. If Chittertongue had lived, Needledrift's litter probably would have had three parents, so that was within the realm of reason. What sent muddled thoughts tumbling through Shadepaw's head was that this third parent had his blood running through his veins and yet lived in a different clan. Until recently, clan boundaries and ties of loyalty never crossed Shadepaw's mind. His home was the marsh, with its frogs and its mud, and the other clans were indistinct smudges, snatches of stories, afterthoughts. With each carefully-planned word, Snowypaw made them seem all the more real, all the more important, in the worst way possible.

"What? So you're- you're really leaving?" He stared at Snowypaw with wide eyes and tufted ears angled back, unable to match his sister's smile. "I- I don't- why do you want to leave so bad? Did something happen?" Shadepaw's gaze darted from Snowypaw to their other family members, desperate for a good answer from someone. A sharpness twisted around her gut, like she had smelled a bad piece of prey, but colder, harsher, and it slithered its way up into her head.

Shadepaw wanted to meet their father, too. She wanted to, to see if she was like him, to see if he was as great as Ferndance thought he was. Maybe he had dark fur like hers, or the same webbed paws. Maybe he even laughed easily, and liked hunting just as much, and tracing forms in the clouds... or maybe she was all Ferndance. However, she could learn all that at a gathering, no need to up and leave. ShadowClan was her home, with her siblings, her mothers, her mentor, with the marsh that Shadepaw herself looked like she had been carved out of. It was still full of places to explore, frogs to catch. If Snowypaw wanted water, there was a stream somewhere, and pools dotting the territory, no boring river needed. It was good, or at least Shadepaw thought so.

A thought, sharpness now stabbing- "D-Did I do something?" It would be awfully childish, but maybe she had tracked mud onto Snowypaw's nest one too many times, or not spent enough time with her since training began.​

 

[Bonechill.]

*+:｡.｡ The revelation that he had a dad had been a very difficult hairball to swallow, and Bonepaw still wasn't sure he wasn't still choking on it. Family was everything to the young boy who grew up with the tales of how he'd almost lost them all before he'd even taken his first breath. His siblings were his everything. Bloodpaw, his ferocious sister with the best wrestling moves. Shadepaw, with his ever-present smile and sense of fun, and Snowypaw, the darkest of the three, the one who's laughter shined the brightest. The one who clung hardest to Needledrift's nest when they all had to leave. The one who's long fur made for the softest pillow when Bonepaw couldn't stand not sharing a nest with them all. The one who asked about snow bleaching pelts, and who was such a great sister to the triplets, and made everyone smile with such enviable ease she...she...
She was leaving?

Bonepaw is left cold. Ice must have crawled up from his paws, because he can't move. It must've climbed its way over his limbs, atop his chest, and dug it's chilly tendrils into his heart and lungs because he just can't breathe. Words are lost to the boy of so few of them, so he's both grateful and left agonized when Shadepaw takes the lead, begging Snowypaw for an answer to unchain them of their grief.

He snaps his gaze to Shadepaw, though, at the last question, for a brief moment wondering if he had been the one to speak out loud instead of his sibling. Shadepaw couldn't possibly have done anything wrong, but the feeling that one of them could've suddenly taken a massive and painful bite out of Bonepaw's chest. He struggles to find his breath.

Was...was Snowypaw kidding? This was just a silly joke, right? He wishes so desperately to believe that, but turning his shaking eyes upon his sister's features...there's no doubt. He knows when his sister is teasing...this isn't a joke to her. This was serious.

Pain ruptures through his rib cage and finally, the boy lets out a ragged, quiet wheeze. She was serious. She was so serious. He'd never her seen her more serious. What - what was he to do? Deny her of something she felt she needed so badly that she had to abandon the entire family for it? Snowypaw was a silly girl - that's what he loved about her! - but he knew she wasn't taking this decision lightly. Who was he to deny her? He promised, curled up at night with his nose stuffed in her unique, beautiful ebony fur that he'd always, always love her, his littermate, his sister, one of his best friends he...he had to support her. Right? He had to?
Because that's what a good brother does, right?
Even...even if she...d-doesn't...want him...to be her brother anymore he...he had to still love her, he would always still love her...and loving meant supporting...right?
Right?
Right?!
Please, anyone, Starclan, mamma, mom, anyone give him a reason not to!

"Do...do you h-have to?" voice thick with unshed tears, he has to know.

*+:｡.｡ Updated 4/2/24

• 
  
  GENERAL:
  ☠ Shadowclan — apprentice
  ☠ DMAB— He/Him — Unsure
  ☠ 6 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ☠ Son to Ferndance x Needledrift
  ☠ Littermates with Bloodpaw, Shadepaw, Snowypaw
  ☠ Half-brother to Gigglekit, Morelkit, Branchkit
  ☠ Apprenticed to Nightwhisper
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ☠Physically easy | mentally hard
  ☠ Attack in bold #738171
  injuries: None currently

​

 

[splashdance]

She's not entirely sure what she should have anticipated with her siblings. Each are wily, entertaining and domineering in their own ways. To Snowypaw, she cannot compare - not to Bloodpaw's courage, Bonepaw's wit, Shadepaw's curiosity. She's foolish, an overgrown child forced from the nursery in more ways than one. Her first mentor would not bother with her, and though she likes Fleabounce, she feels like nothing more than... well, a flea in the woman's fur.

And yet, being ignorant to how they may react does not make their reactions any easier to experience.

"No, Shadepaw, no!" Snowypaw had struggled to put into words why she must leave - wanting to live with her father felt like enough reason in the moment. Plus, explaining her self perceived inadequacy felt unnecessary, as if she needed to wound herself for a reason to escape. The marshlands will always be a part of her, she could say, but then her sister chokes out something akin to a sob, and she's quick to try and bandage the pain she's inflicting. "Nothing you've done could make me leave... but nothing you could do could make me stay, either. Please understand that." She struggles to smile and so, for as long as she needs to, she doesn't.

Bonepaw is quieter - where Bloodpaw sobs and Shadepaw bubbles with questions, their stoic brother simply stares. His sage green gaze begs to weep but he does not let go, not yet. His own inquiry bleeds through trembling lips and Snowypaw nods. "I'm not for here, Bonepaw. Mama... wasn't born a ShadowClanner, and I think... I think I got the bits of her that don't care for the marsh. I don't mind it, don't get me wrong! But maybe the parts of me that are RiverClanner... maybe they're stronger. I'm sorry, I..."

She tries to explain and she falls flat instead. Her ears fold back, "I'll miss you. I don't know when I'll see you guys again but - I'll love you, always. I'm sorry, but I have to do this. You can hate me if you need to," borders will divide them, separate them forever more. But she cannot turn back. "I won't be upset."​

 

[SHADEPAW]

Shadepaw heard Bonepaw's teary murmur, but her gaze didn't waver from Snowypaw. It didn't waver when Snowypaw protested, or reassured her, although she breathed a sharp sigh of relief. Her eyes stayed on Snowypaw as she walked them through why she felt that she needed to go and said what was ultimately the start of a final goodbye. She watched the expressions on her sister's face shift, from the desperate upward twitch of her lips to the way her face fell as she finished her words. She tried to memorize them. Her sister, with her feathery coat, her round cheeks, her white freckles. Hit by a snowball in the face as a kit. Right before Shadepaw told that lie, Snowypaw had marched so confidently toward the exit of the camp. The memory suddenly wasn't as funny as it had once been. Maybe she really wasn't for ShadowClan, and never had been, and this was just the inevitable conclusion. Yet Shadepaw could find a parry to each of Snowypaw's blows, an argument forming on her tongue- "If you aren't for here, why can't you be for us?" "If Mama grew to like it, you can too!" "No, you don't have to do anything!"

The sharpness inside her turned itself outward and pointed itself at Snowypaw. She raised her chin and shook her head furiously. "N-No, I can't hate you! I can't believe you even said that. I can't hate you, not-" Her shadow-striped shoulders slumped, the argument sliding back down her throat. "not if it won't make you stay." If Snowypaw wouldn't even be upset, then she certainly wouldn't stay. It was so strange. Snowypaw had been the one to cling to the nursery. She refused to get up and go into the next phase of her life when Shadepaw was dying to. Evidently, she had been crouched, waiting, funneling power into a pounce forward that she finally took and that sent her springing all the way to a whole new clan.

For a second, she thought about going, too, gathering-meetings with their father cast aside. They could go to Lichentail together. They could stay curled at each other's side for the rest of their lives. Yet Bonepaw and Bloodpaw were staying, and so were their little siblings, and their mothers. One unknown father and littermate, no matter how beloved, could wrench Shadepaw from ShadowClan's marsh. Not now, anyway. Maybe they had taken all the love for it from Snowypaw when they were still growing, or maybe they just understood it differently. Their gaze finally dropped to their paws, which they flexed in the eternally-damp soil.

They looked up again and surged forward, pressing their face into Snowypaw's wispy cheek fur like they had so many times before. "I'll miss you so much." A shuddering, shaky breath. "I love you. I hope the fish taste like rotting frogs and the cats all smell terrible and it turns out Pikesplash's just getting ready to come here." They couldn't even summon a giggle, just had to hope Snowypaw found the humor in their words.​

 

[Bonechill.]

*+:｡.｡ It was funny.
Snowypaw was still here, standing right before him, and yet Bonepaw...

Bonepaw felt like she was already miles away.

Something in Bonepaw had been battered when Bloodpaw had returned to camp with a missing ear, her namesake trailing little red berries behind her. He had yet to recover from whatever wound had opened inside him, even now when Bloodpaw had long since recovered. Growing up with the legend of Sprucepaw dying so that his litter could live had been eye-opening to the boy who'd only just unsealed his vision. How closely death lurked, especially for his family. How much he hated the idea of losing even just one of them...how devastating it would be.

Bonepaw wasn't funny. He wasn't charming, or mischievous, nor did he find the world particularly interesting. Bonepaw was...boring, to put it simply. He had no goals, no wanting of them. He saw no reason to explore the world or learn anything specific. The boy didn't sustain himself with experiences or friends, nor was he bound by laws or honor. He was...nothing, and he knew that since he was a small kid. A ghost trapped in the land of the living, a whisp with no voice.

But his siblings? Loud, and creative, so full of light and love and passion. The way they tore holes into the nothing and carved out whatever exciting pictures they sought fit...Bonepaw lived for that. To watch them, his siblings and moms, and vowed to do everything in his power to ensure they had every opportunity to paint the universe to their liking.

Could he hate Snowypaw for wanting to use a whole different canvas than the one Bonepaw held? Could he hate her for following a dream that he'd promised he'd treasure with her, even if he wasn't allowed to see it come to fruition? Could he hate Snowypaw...for being Snowypaw?

He lifts his head towards the sky as Shadepaw gushes his love and affection. Bonepaw couldn't tell you if there were clouds or not, if it was dark or not if they were in a den or outside - Bonepaw saw nothing through the moisture that lightened his dull green eyes to something so saturated it burned.
Bonepaw was nothing without Snowypaw...
But...Snowypaw...well, she would be everything without him so...

He couldn't possibly hate her for that.

"Love you" he says, dropping his head to reveal a soft smile on his pale features. And though he only said two words, he hoped his sister could hear the paragraphs of meaning behind it. I'll miss you. Be safe. I'll never hate you. I'm so excited for you. You're going to have so much fun. Riverclan is going to be so lucky to have you. We'll be okay, but we'll always hold a spot here for you, no matter what. No matter how far away you go, you'll always be my sister, and I'll always be your brother.

You're everything to me.

Padding forward, he presses his forehead against Snowypaws. He memorizes the feeling of every wispy strand of uniquely dark fur, her smell that reminded him of lotus flowers and rain showers before a rainbow, the way she breathed, the way she smiled, the way she lived and would live so free and joyfully.

And he let that piece hollow itself out in his chest.

*+:｡.｡ Updated 4/2/24

• 
  
  GENERAL:
  ☠ Shadowclan — apprentice
  ☠ DMAB— He/Him — Unsure
  ☠ 6 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ☠ Son to Ferndance x Needledrift
  ☠ Littermates with Bloodpaw, Shadepaw, Snowypaw
  ☠ Half-brother to Gigglekit, Morelkit, Branchkit
  ☠ Apprenticed to Nightwhisper
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ☠Physically easy | mentally hard
  ☠ Attack in bold #738171
  injuries: None currently

​